


Promise me, we'll be alright

by justanartist



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Drama, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Stockholm Syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-07
Updated: 2014-08-13
Packaged: 2018-01-23 22:27:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 172,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1581665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanartist/pseuds/justanartist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by Mumford & Sons :)</p><p>Kurt and Blaine were together for 3 years. They moved together to New York but then, they broke up. 7 years later Blaine remembers Kurt, remembers how perfect they were. But he forgot why they broke up or how they even lost contact. Until Kurt comes back to New York and not alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Seven Years

Chapter 1. Seven Years

Sometimes you meet someone in your life and you really believe, this is forever. We’ll be a part of each others life forever, we’ll grow old together, go through good and bad times and remember them together. And later when you graduate with this person and start a new life, get a job, go to college and maybe even get married one day, this person will be always there. And then we’ll watch our children grow up, doing the same mistakes we did, get to know all these wonderful and bad things this world holds for us. You’ll share everything with this person. And this person can be a friend or a partner.

Sometimes you really believe it could be forever like this, because there is no reason to have any doubts. But life isn’t black and white and life don’t always goes the way you want it to be. Sometimes life throws things at you, suddenly, and you have to decide quickly what is the right thing to do, to say and sometimes you do the wrong thing and lose, what you thought would be forever.

Seven years ago, Blaine Anderson made this experience and he doesn’t want to lie, it hurt badly to lose someone so close, so important. But it was senseless to move on together although there was never a sign of separation. He was seventeen when he met him and what do you know about life when you are seventeen? Not much but you think you do. However, he thought and put the glass down which he was cleaning and looked up into the small music bar he was working at. Strange how his life brought him here but he was happy. Well, so happy, that he didn’t walk around with a sad smile on his face. Actually he could smile, but now, listening to the music coming out from the speakers he had a sad smile on his face.

 _Where are you now?_  
Where are you now?   
Do you ever think of me   
In the quiet, in the crowd? 

There was no reason to be sad, because those three years they shared together were really beautiful and everything he thought he would never get. He was loved, he found a home and he found someone who supported him and someone he could support. They both found someone who changed them into good, while their life was pure chaos, pain and made no sense at all. But it changed when they met, when they began to talk and especially, when they both stopped the other one from doing silly and bad things. They became mature together, changed into better people and then they grew apart. Blaine couldn’t remember if it was his fault that this happened or Kurt’s fault.

_Kurt…_

He took a deep, shaky breath. It’s been years since the last time he thought about him, when he memorized his name. And only thinking about his name did things to him he hadn’t felt for a long time. His heart was beating fast, his mind echoing Kurt’s name over and over and only Santana’s hand dragged him back to reality.

“What is wrong Hobbit?”

“Uhm, nothing I was just focusing on the music.”

“Well hurry up and stop dreaming. You can do that later,” was all Santana said and walked back to the round tables and began to clean the surface. It was a small place but it was nice here and Blaine really enjoyed to play on this little stage or working behind the bar. Just a part time job.

As soon as he cleaned all the glasses he took the broom and helped Santana to sweep the floor, while all chairs were on the round tables so they had easier access. But he couldn’t focus on his work. Not with the music in the background and so he askd her something, he never asked anybody in the past years. And everybody was avoiding to talk about _that_ when Blaine was around.

“Did you hear something from Kurt?”

Santana stopped what she was doing, Blaine only swallowed the bitter taste down and she turned around to face Blaine with raised eyebrows, while he was chewing on his bottom lip, unsure.

“After, let me think… seven years you finally ask?”

“Just… answer my question, okay?” He was not ready to discuss why he was asking this now. Why so late, why so suddenly although his life was already planned. Maybe he should have been quiet because it wouldn’t change anything.

She sighed after some seconds and pushed the table to the wall while she took a hold of her broom again: “The last time I talked with him was a month ago. He said things were fine. That’s all I know.”

“Okay… thanks,” and more Blaine didn’t want to know. Kurt was fine, he was alive and that was everything he needed to know.

“Do you have some troubles in your private life?”

“No. It’s okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah.”

But it wasn’t. Not really.

~~~~~

On his way to his favorite coffee shop he took out his phone and chose the song he was listening, while they cleaned the bar. After all these years Blaine never deleted the play list he used to hear with Kurt, actually he added some songs after they broke up and heard the same songs for two months. Oh yes, he was living in a black hole after they broke up and Kurt left him.

 _It came to the end it seems you had heard._  
Cause we walked the city streets,   
You never said a word. 

He forgot why they broke up but it made sense as it happened. They had no real fight, they just went different paths while living together, here, in New York. Although they were walking the streets together, although they seemed to be happy, somehow all this happiness faded and they grew apart. And it was Blaine who noticed this and it was Kurt who spoke it out loud.

_We are not okay…_

No they weren’t and they both didn’t understand why it changed that way. They were walking together while everything was already broken, but no one said a word. Not Blaine nor Kurt. Probably they both thought it would pass by, this bad time, this time when they both lived for themselves and not together.

_When we finally sat down_

_Your eyes were full of spite._

_I was desperate, I was weak,_

_I could not put up a fight._

They wanted to be together, they really wanted to but it wasn’t meant to be. Blaine was desperate at that time, Kurt was angry, until they both were angry and avoided each other. He was too weak to fight with Kurt about something he didn’t understand where it came from. But he saw it in Kurt’s eyes, he saw it in his own eyes. At some point, although everything began like a fairytale, although they really loved each other their love wasn’t enough and all he saw was sadness in their eyes. They weren’t happy anymore. He looked up the blue sky, the spring sun shining down on his face and giving him the warmth he was longing for. All these memories coming back made him cold. All these memories when he was twenty years old and still a silly, young boy who wanted to be with the boy who saved him. Maybe, now, he was able to understand why it all went that way it was now. He was 27 years old, he had a job, he was living his dream and he made a lot of experiences. He was more mature. And maybe it was enough now. Maybe he changed enough to finally understand why they broke up.

_Where are you now?_

_Where are you now?_

_Do you ever think of me_

_In the quiet, in the crowd?_

Would it change anything? Would it make his life better even if he figured out why they lost contact? Why Kurt was no longer a part of his life? Probably not. He didn’t know where Kurt was or what he was doing. He didn’t know if he had a family now, or if he was married or anything. Blaine knew nothing and it hurt. How could Kurt, who was once the most important person in his life become a vague memory? Would he even notice him when he was passing him by? Here on the streets between all those faces? Probably not and this hurt even more. He asked himself if Kurt ever thought about him in the past years. If he asked how he was doing, where he was and if he found out why they are no longer Kurt and Blaine together.

_Maybe not._

Blaine crossed the street, opened the door to this old coffee shop and his eyes were looking for Tina. And there she was sitting at their usual table next to the window with two mugs of coffee.

“Hey,” he smiled and kissed her cheek.

“Hi,” she smiled back: “I’ve already payed for the coffee. It was my turn anyway.”

“Thanks, Tina. So tell me, did anyone called you?”

Tina was working for an art gallery and since Blaine was a painter and already sold some of his works he let her organize everything. Thanks to her he was able to sell his first painting and it was his first painting since he lived in New York. Central Park at fall and he earned a lot of money for it. Sadly Kurt wasn’t there anymore as Blaine finally found some ground as an artist.

“There were some people calling me. A couple who wants you to paint a picture of them after their wedding. They loved your Central Park painting. But instead of fall they want a ‘Central Park at spring’. And an old lady called me if you could draw her cats.”

Blaine laughed and nodded slowly. His paintings were not only places, like the beach or parks. What really hit him where those wonderful moments in life captured on canvas. Weddings, birthdays, the first child, all those things and he was happy that people loved his paintings and asked for his service. No, he wasn’t famous but he earned enough money to live without worrying about that. One thing he never had to think about, but money didn’t make him happy it only helped him to survive, to have a place to live, that’s all.

“Here is the phone number of the couple,” she handed him a small card: “And here is the one of the old lady. Just call them and check your schedule. And then Mr. Timson asked me about his painting. The one for his daughter and her new born.”

“Almost done. Give me two weeks and I’ll be done with it,” he said and took a sip of his coffee. It was a really lovely painting he was working at. A beautiful young mother, hours later her baby was born and both were smiling, so sweetly, so innocent and happy. He really loved it and sometimes it did things to him, he wasn’t ready to admit. Sure, he wanted family too, he wanted to be a father and with 27 it was almost time for that. He had money, he had a place to live, he had everything a baby needed. But Blaine wasn’t ready. His eyes moved down to his phone, the song was still playing but his headphones hung around his neck and he didn’t hear the song anymore.

“You look different today. Something happened?” Tina asked while she flipped her hair back.

“I… I was just thinking about Kurt.”

“Kurt?” she blurted out and almost slapped her mug off the table. If everyone would react like Santana and Tina did just because he mentioned Kurt, he wasn’t sure if he should even talk about it. But otherwise how should he find something out about Kurt? Santana, Tina, Rachel, Finn, they all lived here in New York and they all went together with him and Kurt to school. They saw how their relationship began, they helped them too and they also saw how they broke up. However it was only Blaine who lost touch with Kurt. Only him. Why?

“I was listening to a song and then… it just happened. I don’t even have his number or know where he lives. I feel kind of bad that it… became like this.”

They weren’t only a couple, they weren’t only in love, they were also friends. Good friends, best friends and somehow they were nothing but a vague memory.

“Well, I talked to him three weeks ago. He asked me out about some paintings because he was in Paris.”

In Paris? Blaine’s mouth dropped open and his eyebrows shoot up. Kurt was in Europe? In France? What on earth was he doing in France? Sure, he knew Kurt wanted to become a fashion designer, he knew that and France was probably a good place for this. But… how was it possible that he didn’t know that? And why was he feeling more hurt? What the hell happened, that things were like they were?

“He is doing fine, he said he likes it there.”

“That’s… good.”

But it wasn’t. Not at all.

~~~~~

_You were strangely less in pain_

_Than you were cold._

_Triumphant in your mind_

_Of the logic that you hold._

During the next two weeks he finished his painting and tried to remember why they broke up. It wasn’t easy because there were so many parts missing. Parts that were important to understand why. It was almost like someone erased some parts of his memory, important parts that made him who he was. All that was clear in his head were Kurt’s face, seven years ago. First there was anger, pain, then it faded and both were simply ignorant, both were cold. Kurt’s blue eyes never were cold but this day they were. And he said something. He said that they weren’t okay and something more. If he could only remember the words. If he could only remember what he said that convinced Blaine to break up with him. What made it so logical to break up with the person, he used to call the love of his life? Whatever it was, it made sense seven years ago. It made sense to his 20 year-old-self. But he wasn’t 20 anymore.

_You said no one would ever know_

_The love that we had shared._

_As I took my leave to go_

_It was clear that you didn’t care._

He remembered Kurt’s dad who was a really nice person and helped Blaine too. He helped him to handle the struggles he had with his parents. He helped him to feel like he belonged somewhere without asking for anything. And Kurt gave him the love he thought wasn’t there, and Blaine gave him the same love back. They were planning things, they were planning their life in New York, they even talked about getting married and adopt a child as soon as they finished college and got jobs. They were ready, so ready but when Blaine wanted to go and Kurt too, they both didn’t care. They let each other go, simply, without any goodbye, without any tears. Those came later. How could a love, they both shared, a love that was so deep they had no words to describe it but only breath it in and share it with kisses, with hugs, with sex, turn into pure ignorance?

Blaine didn’t understand and it bothered him.

_Where are you now?_

_Where are you now?_

_Do you ever think of me_

_In the quiet, in the crowd?_

It was almost the middle of April (a month later when he began to think about Kurt again) that he nearly gave it up. He asked Rachel if she knew something, but she didn’t want to share it. Not because she didn’t grant it Blaine, but because she wasn’t sure if Kurt would agree with that. And Blaine said that it was fine, that he understood that although it hurt. She only told him that Kurt wasn’t living in Paris anymore and it made things worse. So much worse. First he thought Kurt was just too many miles away, a whole ocean away from him which made hurt more when he remembered that he didn’t waste any thought about Kurt in the past years. And now knowing that he had no clue where he was made it worse. That’s why he gave up asking himself where he was, if Kurt was thinking about him. It was over, it was done. Kurt didn’t want Blaine back in his life.

But it wasn’t like that. To his surprise.

~~~~~~

It was a usual day at work. Blaine was standing behind the bar and waiting for the students, for the older men, for any customer but they wouldn’t come before 7p.m. That’s why he was really surprised as Finn came, a big smile on his face and sat down at the counter.

“Hey Blaine.”

“Hey,” Blaine smiled: “It’s been a while, Finn. How are you doing?”

“Fine, I guess. I mean, you know high school students can be pretty tough, but teaching is fun.”

Nodding Blaine took a glass out of the cabinet: “Bear?”

“Yes, please.”

He filled the glass up, feeling Finn’s eyes on him and he wasn’t sure what this supposed to mean. It’s not like they were strangers or didn’t saw each other often. Frankly they had their high school meeting every last Saturday of the month and laughed about their work, about their children, about the things they experienced. It was nice, it was always nice, but he had to admit, there was always something missing. And Blaine missed a lot in his life. Not only since he began to think about Kurt again, no, even before that. He already thought, he was happy, yes, but he wasn’t ‘happy’.

“Do I have something on my face or why do you stare at me like that?”

Finn laughed quietly, took the bear from Blaine and shook his head.

“No dude. I just think you should know something. Because I doubt someone will tell you this.”

“Okay?” His curiosity was written all over his face. Did Finn and Rachel expect another child? Or something about Puck?

“Kurt is coming back.”

“Back?”

“To New York, for good.”

There were no words, no clear thought, just a feeling hitting him cold and making him numb. Kurt was coming back, back to New York, back were they started a new life and broke up. Back here were Blaine was living. Back here were they could meet each other. Back…

“Oh…” was all he managed to say.

_And I hear of your coming_

_and your going in the town._

_I hear stories of your smile,_

_I hear stories of your frown._

“He… didn’t say anything about you in particular. But he said he wanted to see all his old friends. It’s been seven years for many of us too since the last time we saw Kurt.”

Yeah, that was true. Finn saw him from time to time because his mom and Kurt’s dad were married, but all the others only had some Skype conversations or phone calls with Kurt. He left New York after they broke up and Blaine moved out from their apartment because there were too many memories.

“That includes you, Blaine. And I thought I tell you this. I mean you two were together for three years and I don’t know why you broke up, but I think it’s fair to tell you this.”

“Yeah, thanks Finn,” he said a bit breathless and tried to smile.

“Anybody else doesn’t know a thing. He wants to surprise them.”

Blaine nodded, fumbling with his fingers and stared at them for some seconds, until he found the courage to speak again while Finn enjoyed his bear.

“How is he doing?”

“Good, he said. You know he doesn’t tell me that much, but he said he is happy to come back.”

“That’s good.”

“Can I ask you something? Because I know, Kurt won’t tell me why.”

“Yeah… sure.”

“Why did you two broke up anyway? I mean you were basically soul mates.”

“I… I honestly don’t know. I can’t remember why.”

~~~~~~~

_And the darkness can descend,_

_We can relish all the pain._

_But I know that’s what you love,_

_Cause you know I love the same._

 

Finn was right, Blaine thought the other day. Kurt was his soul mate, they loved the same things, not everything but a lot. And they both took the pain away the other one was living in. Blaine the troublesome guy who didn’t know what to do with his life, Kurt the boy who always needed to fight with others, who always wanted to be the one who was right. Both were always in trouble, it was like they had a secret magnet for this. And as they both thought, that was it, their life would never turn out good, they found each other. They began to share what they loved, began to do what they loved and fell in love with each other. They loved how the other one was their anchor, how the other one simply knew what to say and what to do. Soul mates, many people said, but both never really talked about how much they felt for each other. There were no words needed, people saw it. And then a new darkness came.

_How?_

It was Saturday morning when Blaine sat on his bicycle and had his basked filled with apples, grapes and other fruits. There was this market with fresh fruits outside and he really enjoyed being there and the fruits were delicious. Tonight should be a special night, he promised himself. That’s why he stood up early and bought what he needed. Kurt wasn’t back yet, or so he knew, because Finn said he would call him as soon as he was back in New York and for now Blaine wasn’t worried to meet Kurt accidentally on the streets or in a cafe or wherever. No, asking himself why and how was pointless and maybe, when Kurt was back, he could talk with him, maybe they would become friends again. Maybe not. But for now he tried to not think about it. He pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket, no new messages, nothing, just the song he loved to hear by now.

_Where are you now?_

_Where are you now?_

_Do you ever think of me_

_In the quiet, in the crowd?_

That’s why he didn’t hear the engine of the light orange moped. That’s why he didn’t hear the horn only as he looked up and saw how the other person almost lost control over the vehicle, how the person lost control as he drover over something big and fell over, Blaine jumped of his bicycle and caught the person, falling down but holding him – it was a man – close while the apples roll over the street, the moped fell to his side and went quiet and his bicycle made this ‘clak-clak’ sound while the wheel was turning. He waited, holding the body close, feeling the hands on grabbing his jacket while they laid on the street and then, as everything was silent, as no sound but his heart and their breathing found place in his head, he opened his eyes.

“You.. okay? I’m sorry, I was distracted.”

Well, what did people always say about phones and driving? It surely didn’t include only cars. He loosened his grip around the body, starring at his reflection on the black material of the helmet which hid the face.

“Blaine?” A muffled sound, the other person leaned abruptly back so that there was enough space to take the helmet off and as the stranger just did that Blaine stopped breathing. Blue/green eyes, clear, piercing, were staring at him. Blue familiar eyes, brown, perfectly styled hair, pink lips, pale skin, and those cheekbones he knew too good because he was used to kiss them for hours.

“Kurt…” he stuttered.

_Where are you now?_

_Where are you now?_

_Do you ever think of me_

_In the quiet, in the crowd?_


	2. Confusion

 

Chapter 2. Confusion

 

Life was a strange thing. You were caught in the moment of your life, focusing on your work, your friends or whatever you were doing at this moment. You didn't think about anything else because your mind was busy with different things. But then, the moment you are alone your mind went places you usually avoid. You begin to think about your past, the people you knew and know, the things you wanted to do and think about two things. My life is fine as it is now, or, maybe I should try this and that. You were 'fine' or you began to regret.

Regret was part of life. Regretting that you didn't ask the girl or boy to go out with you. Regretting that you didn't start to study art instead you studied law. Regretting that you couldn't stop a person from going although it was probably better back then. But then you end up telling yourself, I don't want to regret anything I did.

Life was a strange thing. The moment you think things won't change, things will be like they are now something or someone happens and your world turns upside down.

And Blaine's world was literally spinning as he helped Kurt on his feet. There he was, beautiful as always, not looking much older than 7 years ago, but clearly no more like the teenager he once was. There was so much running through his bones, so many feelings, so many memories filled his mind that he actually needed to take a deep breath otherwise he would just suffocate. What should he do? What should he say? What was the right thing to do when you meet your ex boyfriend after seven years not hearing anything from him? And Blaine did maybe the silliest thing ever. He turned around, picked up his bicycle kicking the kickstand so that it wouldn't fall and collected the fruits from the street. He wasn't really thinking anything, he just wanted to pick the mess up and then... then he would see what to do, right?

“Let me help you,” Kurt said and walked pass Blaine to pick the other fruits up which Blaine couldn't hold alone because his arms were already caring too much.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, went back to his bicycle and placed the apples and grapes back into the basket. Kurt did the same and they shared one short look, making them both tense and then he went to his moped and Blaine followed him to help Kurt to pick it up from the street.

“Does it work?” Blaine asked unsure.

“Yeah,” the other boy answered and left his helmet on the driver seat: “Nothing happened. Well, except that... I met you.”

“Yeah... yeah,” he breathed, his eyes on his feet until he looked up and both were just staring at each other. Why was it so hard? Why did it feel so awkward? And why did he feel like a teenager although they both were 27 years old? He was able to sign contracts and to understand them, he was able to talk and laugh with strangers about trivial stuff, he was able to sing right in front of a crowd in a bar. But he wasn't able to talk to his ex boyfriend, to the person he knew for so long and knew so much about.

One last look to Kurt and then he couldn't hold it any longer. A small smile stretched on his lips, then his tense body calmed down and slowly both began to laugh. The laughed quietly, the laughed all the tension off their body and like a shy little boy, like someone who still couldn't believe what actually happened, he pressed his hand against his forehead and grinned at Kurt.

“Some adults we are.”

“Yeah, well, some people never grow up,” Kurt smiled and it felt good to see him like this. There were old memories of Kurt's smile in Blaine's head. Like the smiles he gave him each morning they woke up, or the smiles when he was acting silly and childish, or the ones when they said they loved each other. Oh yes, the I-love-you-smile was always his favorite one.

“It's good... to see you,” Blaine said.

“Yeah... you too. I... I actually wanted to surprise everybody this weekend. Well, now you know it and Finn.”

“I won't say a thing,” Blaine assured him with a smile: “To be honest... I knew you were coming back. Finn told me about it.”

Kurt rolled his eyes with a deep sigh which caused Blaine to chuckle: “Don't worry. He only told me about it to... to avoid any awkward meeting between our friends.”

“Oh,” he avoided Blaine's eyes and nodded to himself: “Well... this already happened.”

It was awkward, really. After seven years meeting the person you once loved like this? This was like in a bad movie.

“I'm... kind of in a hurry but we can meet later? I mean, if you want to, because I want to... it's been.. a while.”

“Sure... yes. Just give me your number and I'll call you later? I'm still moving in but later I'll find some time to go out,” Kurt smiled weakly and handed me his phone. I looked at his background picture and somehow my heart felt lighter. There was no couple picture or anything, just the view on New York. I typed my number in, gave him his phone back and smiled.

“You'll be fine?” I tilt my head to his moped.

“Of course.”

 

* * *

 

What did you do when the person you once loved came back and did things to you, you thought were gone for good? Why did it feel so good holding him and feeling the familiar weight of his body in your arms? Why did all those feelings come back? Was it even real what Blaine felt as he sat in his kitchen and washed the fruits. After they broke up Blaine was lost. He remembered that time clearly. His heard felt cold and his soul empty because he couldn't understand how they both could be so callous. Kurt just packed his stuff and left him without any other word, without telling him where he was going, he just went and it felt like someone cut him down. Blaming Kurt for that was not right because it was also his fault that they broke up. Both were not fighting for their relationship, both were just eating all the frustration and, if his mind wasn't lying, they were even fighting. Blaine didn't like to fight and neither Kurt. But they were and broke up. After that he remembered how he still believed Kurt would just come back, say how sorry he was about their stupid fight and work everything out. However, this never happened. Days went by, weeks and Blaine felt like a coward because he was just sitting there, waiting, doing nothing. What should he do? At that time he thought Kurt really didn't want any contact with him so he gave him the space he thought, Kurt needed. And Blaine kept on being a coward. He didn't talk about Kurt in front of anybody, he hid everything that remembered him of Kurt and moved on.

“That's great!” he heard a voice from the living room cheering and it shook him out of his thoughts that two apples slipped out of his hands.

With a huff he bent down, picked them up and washed them again.

“No, of course! Dude, it's been a while, I need to see you! Okay, see ya later, bye!”

Blaine smiled to himself, wiping his hands dry in a towel next to the sink and heard the fast steps of his boyfriend until he saw him, smirking at Blaine and walking up to him.

“Guess what, sweetheart!” he wrapped his arms around Blaine, kissed his neck and then leaned against the counter his hands pulling out the phone of his pocket.

Jason was 29 years old, brown to the ears long hair and dark blue eyes. He was taller than Blaine and always wearing something in street style or casual and shaved his face only so far that there were still stubbles left.

“I have a meeting with someone from Vogue. An old friend of mine is back there working and he wants me for the upcoming photo shoots.”

“Aren't you busy enough, Jason?”

“Not really. Tomorrow I'll be taking the photos for a wedding and then three days for Calvin Klein. After that I'm not really busy with any other jobs.”

“And when do you meet him?”

“This evening.”

Blaine turned around, looking at Jason with disapproval.

“You forgot it, right?”

Jason moved his eyes away from his phone and looked at Blaine, eyebrows raised and then he looked behind him, seeing the clean fruits and his face showed Blaine that he remembered what was actually planned this evening.

“Oh shit. Sweetheart, sorry. It's not like I forgot it... “

“It's fine. I get it,” Blaine grumbled and opened the cupboard to pick out a white huge bowl. This became a habit in their relationship. Not that Jason didn't care about Blaine but he was always so focused on his work that he forgot so many things they had planned to do together, that after three months he gave up complaining and explaining why it bothered him so much. Maybe this was a usual thing after being together for four years, that at some point they moved apart because of work and after a while they would be closer again. But when? It's been three months like this.

“Blaine, I really did not forget it. But this is really important to me,” Jason explained himself and kissed Blaine's temple: “And a bit more money won't hurt. It's not like a wedding doesn't cost anything. And you want our wedding to be epic, right?”

“I didn't say yes, Jason. I said I want to think about it.”

They were silent for a while, Jason looking at Blaine and Blaine placing the fruits into the bowl, not smiling, not showing any emotion. He was tired, just so tired. It's been three months like that and yes, they both were busy but whenever they decided to do something actually together – like watching a movie or eating together or just cuddle together – it was always Jason who found an excuse to not do those things. Hell Blaine wouldn't even be mad at him when they would just watch a movie and Jason would – like always – fall asleep and Blaine ended up watching alone. He was fine with that as long as he could be close to him and just feel someone holding him and showing him, that he was loved.

“Are you unhappy, Blaine?”

“No... I'm just tired. I miss you.” But he was unhappy. Being with Jason didn't feel like being loved. It felt more like they were used to this, to be together.

“I'm really sorry, sweetheart. But I meant it when I asked you to marry me and I really try, Blaine. But I do this for us and I do this, because I love you.”

“I know,” Blaine breathed and felt Jason's lips on his cheek before he left the kitchen.

This proposal was also a thing that bothered Blaine a lot. Jason proposed to him while they were moving apart and he wasn't sure if he did it because Jason noticed how slowly but surely they lost each other, or because he really wanted to marry Blaine. It was no secret that people made decisions in their life out of desperation. Sometimes those decisions turned out into something good and sometimes they were the first stone to pave the way for their own unhappiness. Therefore Blaine wasn't sure what kind of decision this was.

 

* * *

 

There was always this moment in someones life, when you needed to take three steps back just to move forward. Meeting Kurt was one of those moments. He wasn't thinking about the break up but what happened after that. As he stopped being a coward and feeling sorry for himself he focused on his work and studies and went on the New York city streets to show his paintings. At the evening he was playing in the bar which Santana opened a year after he and Kurt broke up. At that time Blaine had to decide if he wanted to be a painter or a musician and he with some luck and hard work he sold his first picture and got more and more people who wanted a picture, painted by him. The music became a hobby and a part time job at Santana's bar. The nights when he didn't play he was working in the bar as a waiter. Even without Kurt he found a life where he was actually happy and distracted him from the thoughts about Kurt. Maybe that was the reason why he simply forgot about him and never even tried to find him. No, Blaine never wanted to forget him it just happened. All his attention belonged to his paintings and the people he made happy with those. Tina became his manager and helped him a lot so when he turned twenty four he had his first own art exhibition. Many people came to see his pictures, his aunt even came from Ohio to see them and it was really one of the most amazing days in his life. So many people were charmed, so many people praised him and he really hoped that this would happen. Not the praise but that people actually saw what he was painting. Couples, weddings, babies with their parents, people in parks, on the streets, important things in life, beautiful things in life captured in one moment with colors so close to their real beauty. He especially liked those pics in the park, between trees and flowers in the summer, or the fall scenery. He loved to draw people and moments in which they were happy.

And all this was only able because he met Kurt and actually found the best example to draw something. Their life and later, as it was only Blaine, the life from other people.

Blaine jumped off his sofa and looked around the huge living room, to hear his phone ringing at the window, laying on the window bench. He stood up, saw the unknown number and knew, this could only be Kurt. He gulped, breathed in and then accepted the call.

“Hello?”

“ _Blaine? It's me...”_

“H... hi.”

Again, awkward silent and he smiled to himself. Jesus, they were really like teenagers, not knowing what to do or to say although it was easy. He could have asked him, hey how are, where have you been, what have you done in those past seven years? It was so easy to ask something, to actually say anything, but he couldn't.

“ _so... meeting?”_

“Um, yeah... maybe there is a small park near my apartment? I still have the fruits from the morning plans have changed.”

“ _Okay, sure. I'll bring the coffee? You still drink coffee, right? With caramel?”_

Those words warmed up his hard and he couldn't help but smile, feeling his eyes stinging. Not because he hoped that Kurt would remember anything, but because he actually remembered such a little things and showed him, no matter what had happened in those years, they still care about the other in some way.

“Yeah, I still drink it that way.”

“ _Good,”_ he heard Kurt's voice and the slight sound of a smile: _“Send me your address and I'll be there in... two hours? Is that okay?”_

“Great.”

 

* * *

 

There were things in life, labeled by the society. Like having a picnic with a friend of yours could only mean that you have to be a couple, at least most of the people would assume that. Or if you are gay that each guy next to you must be they guy you are together with or you both are fucking with each other. Society was a bitch sometimes and made life even harder as it already was. And even if we don't want to be influenced by their opinion, we are at some point. We think about what might others think about us if we do this and that. What might happen? What would they say? And then we decide to not do something although we really wanted to because we don't want to earn some strange looks or whispers.

For Blaine however it was no big deal to go to the park and have a picnic with Kurt. This was something they'd done all the time when they were together and even before as friends. They walked together to the small quiet park and chose a place under a tree where Blaine placed the dark red blanket and his basket with the fruits. He tried to look calm but his insides were spinning. They weren't dressed special or anything extraordinary, just casual clothes because this was two old friends meeting each other after seven years. Well, he tried to tell this himself.

“So, when did you come back?” he asked as they both sat down while the sun slowly went down.

“Yesterday around midday. I was in Paris, working.”

“Working as?”

“Fashion designer. Well, still as an assistant but I hope I won't be an assistant anymore in the next months.”

Blaine smiled, picking a small bowl with strawberries out of the basket and heard Kurt chuckling.

“What?” he asked while he picked three peaches and gave them Kurt.

“You still love strawberries?”

“What? Just because I'm an old man doesn't mean I can't enjoy strawberries,” he smirked and watched Kurt as he took the peaches: “And you still like peaches, huh?”

“Guilty,” he answered and gave Blaine his cup of coffee.

“So, you are there were you wanted to be? I remember you wanted to become an actor?”

“That's true but after...” he gave Blaine an insecure look and said: “I moved out I changed my studies to fashion and I really liked it. After that I began to work for Vogue and traveled around with my boss. She is pretty awesome and very lovely. She helps me a lot, although most of the time I help her more than she actually helps me.”

Hearing his familiar voice, hearing that he was doing fine calmed Blaine down and made the guilt he felt for so long, because he wasn't running after Kurt and making sure he was okay grew smaller. Maybe it was better that they broke up so they both could focus on something else instead on their broken relationship. Sometimes things needed to be broken to start something new, something better with the person you once loved or without.

“What about you? Musician or painter? Or something else?”

“Mainly painter. Music is more a part time job. Santana has her own bar and sometimes I work there as a waiter or musician. But mainly I'm an painter and not just trying, I actually had my success and now I just get the jobs and each year I have my own small art exhibition.”

Kurt smiled with warm eyes and for a while they just ate in silence until Blaine remembered what Tina said to him some weeks ago.

“Tina told me you were in Paris?”

He swallowed the sip he took from his coffee and nodded slowly: “Yeah, for some months, working. It was pretty amazing there and I could actually use my french. Well it wasn't that good but it was enough. And now we are back here.”

“We?”

Somehow a bad taste filled his mouth and Blaine saw Kurt slowly nodding and finishing the peach he was eating.

“Me and my boyfriend. Well, fiance. We've been together for two years now. We met at college and then later at Vogue again and yeah, since then we are together.”

Sometimes you don't know that you hoped for something until you notice how this hope breaks and this was such a moment for Blaine. He was hoping for something and this hope broke as he heard that Kurt was engaged and as he looked to his hand he saw the ring. Silver, expensive and making it even more real for Blaine.

“Well, it's about time for us to get married, right? I mean now we can get married and I'm happy for you.”

He was and at the same time it hurt for whatever reason. They were not together, they didn't see each other for seven years and Blaine never really thought they would get back together like they used to be. But seeing Kurt, seeing what he left brought everything back and just now he understood what he had lost.

“And you?”

“Me? Oh, no I'm not engaged but I'm together with someone for three years now. He is a bit chaotic and busy but we are fine.”

There was no need to tell Kurt that they weren't fine, that he wasn't sure what their future was holding for them because right now it looked bad. But he wanted to work on it. What else could he do? He loved Jason and Jason him, it was not perfect but it was enough and Blaine knew that and Kurt loved someone and someone loved Kurt. Maybe his old feelings confused him and maybe it was the regret that made him wonder, what it would be like to be together with Kurt again. Perhaps he only needed some sleep, get his thoughts and feelings straight because obviously today happened far too much to handle it at once.

“Blaine?” He looked up and Kurt's eyes were wide, unsure: “We... can be friends right?”

“Of course. I mean, it's been seven years we are no teenagers anymore.”

“Good, because, you were my best friend despite all the things that had happen and... I'm sorry I didn't call you or anything I was just... so mad. But I really want my friend back.”

“No... I mean, of course. I think we both just... screwed things up but we changed, and... I really missed you and I'm sorry too.”

Sometimes, no matter how hard you wanted something, you had to accept that you couldn't get exactly that what you wanted. Maybe this little bit, this friendship was the only thing you really needed and nothing more. And Blaine was happy to get this chance and, judging my Kurt's smile he too. Even so... it didn't mean that it didn't hurt.


	3. Not Enough

 

Chapter 3. Not enough

 

Memories can be tricky, make us happy or sad and sometimes we remember something, but we remember it in a different way. We see this memory, whatever it is a good or bad one different. Which doesn't mean that we lie about the past, not always. It only means that we have changed and so has our view on life in general or specific things. We see things differently. The best way to look on our memories is to learn from them, from the past, from the mistakes we made and to keep on doing the good things we once did and still do.

Blaine was thinking a lot about his past since he and Kurt met again and talked about so many things he forgot. Like Kurt still knew what his favorite coffee was, or his favorite songs. He still knew many of those little things, and so did Blaine. He really thought he had forgotten those things but they came back with full force. Therefore he was actually happy that Jason was busy because most of the time he was painting in his apartment, listening to his and Kurt's playlist and remembering so many things. Even stuff before he met Kurt. But the memories after he and Kurt broke up were the most vivid one.

He stood in his room, in front of a white canvas waiting to be filled with colors. In one hand he held is brush and in the other the palette, with different shades of blue. In the background he was listening to a song, he was hearing for days now. Well exactly he began to hear it after the picnic with Kurt.

 

 _You were cold as the blood through your bones_  
And the light which led us from our chosen homes   
Well I was lost 

 

His eyes looked at his notes he stuck on the easel but his mind didn't catch the words because he was busy with old memories, running through Blaine's had like a movie. He remembered they had a terrible fight – god how could he forget that? - and the next day Kurt was standing in the corridor two suitcases next to him and saying he had enough, he couldn't do this anymore. Without even trying to stop him, without even saying that he actually wanted Kurt to stay here Blaine nodded and back then it was better to let him go, to break up.

Today, however, it was different. Of course he wouldn't ask Kurt now to try it again and this because of many reasons. He loved Jason, Kurt was engaged and happy – his boyfriend took him to Paris, he was with his boyfriend in freaking Paris, the town of love – and Blaine felt something for Kurt, sure, but those weren't the same feelings he had in the past. It was just familiar being with Kurt, with someone who knew you, your past and you could trust easily. It was probably really because he regretted his decision in the past.

 

 _And now I sleep_  
Sleep the hours and that I can't weep   
When all I knew was steeped in blackened holes   
I was lost 

 

The moment he noticed something was wrong between him and Kurt was, when Kurt stopped smiling. Usually he always smiled when he saw Blaine, or about his silliness, when he finished a painting and had some paint on his face or simply because Blaine smiled. One day he just stopped smiling and Blaine wondered what happened. He never asked Kurt that. Then later he felt that Kurt couldn't sleep next to him, so he went to the guestroom from time to time and giving Kurt some space. The day after that it was like always. They shared their good morning kiss in the kitchen, made breakfast together and accompany the other on their way to college even if it meant Blaine or Kurt would spent an hour longer, waiting for their own lecture. But still, something was between them and Blaine couldn't figure out what it was. They were cold to each other, even when they had sex it felt like they only had it to get off, to get some pleasure and that was it. The first weeks he cried himself to sleep, then he accepted it and then they were basically ignoring each other. He felt so lost, he didn't want their relationship to be like that. Because Kurt was and forever would be the love of his life. There were so many things he was grateful for, so many things only Kurt gave him, made him feel but it wasn't enough. So both were only focused on their studies, eating without the other and someday they were just fighting about stupid stuff. They never had big fights and mainly they were all pointless but there was just no way to talk with each other in a normal way. They didn't watch any movies together, never slept bed and then they had this one big fight which began because Kurt left for a week – later Blaine found out that he was at Finns place – and he was worried. He was just worried because he had no idea were Kurt was and as he came back they were fighting.

He remembered all the awful things they were saying. He was yelling at Kurt to just go because he obviously couldn't live with someone else together. He called him a stubborn child, always looking for a fight and making him feel like someone who did a crime. He said how immature Kurt was and that he would not only lose Blaine but also his other friends if he kept on being so focused on fighting with each person he met. And he remembered how he said that he was cold, heartless and not understanding Blaine at all. Kurt basically yelled the same back, but also that Blaine was too blind to see what was the problem, that he was more in love with his work, that he spent more time with his paintings and music then with him. It was just stupid stuff they said to each other.

 

 _Keep the earth below my feet_  
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak   
Let me learn from where I have been   
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn   
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn 

 

He sighed and began to paint, a light blue covering the white surface. When Kurt didn't come back it felt like he lost ground, it felt like he was falling into a deep dark hole and he blamed himself for this. Of course it must have been his fault because why would Kurt leave their apartment when everything with that was fine. So obviously it was because of Blaine and he tried to figure it out, he tried to see what he had done wrong. But he couldn't see it. How? He was only twenty years old, he was no teenager but also no adult. How on earth should he know what was the right thing to do, to make Kurt love him again? Because he loved him but he couldn't show it and maybe it was the same with him.

 

 _And I was still_  
I was under your spell   
When I was told by Jesus all was well   
So all must be well 

 

 _Just give me time_  
You know your desires and mine   
So wrap my flesh in ivy and in twine   
For I must be well 

 

He learned to deal with it, he moved on but he never forgot the feeling he had when he was with Kurt. He met some guys, he had some guys, he even slept with some guys but he never felt something for them. There was no one like Kurt. No one who knew Blaine as good as Kurt, no one who simply knew by looking at Blaine what he needed, what he was feeling, if he was thinking or simply hiding something. Not till he met Jason. Of course, Jason wasn't Kurt and he didn't see many things Kurt saw but that was okay. It was good, not perfect, not the same but enough. It had to be enough.

 

* * *

 

Everyday people need to make decisions, small decisions and sometimes big decisions but no matter if small or big, they all have some impact on our life. It starts with do I stay awake until 2 am to watch this episode from your favorite series and take the risk to oversleep, to, do I move to London because this job sounds awesome and I can get in? Each decision has some impact on our life but sometimes we don't feel the need to decide anything but people force us to make a decision or say something that sounds like that. And they do this because they know what is good for us, or, because they don't like something we want to keep in our life. But for you there is no need to give it up, whatever it is. The favorite music band, the painting on your wall, or a friend.

Blaine had to make this experience although he had no idea it would happen that evening.

It was the night Kurt wanted to surprise all his old friends – actually he planned to surprise them the first weekend he came back but they were all busy and Blaine told him each last weekend of a month they met each other in Santana's bar. So Kurt agreed on doing that and of course they all took their significant others with them. Which also meant that Jason was going with Blaine.

As Blaine and Jason went inside he already saw his friends. They were sitting at their usual place, a long table right in the right corner next to the small stage. Sam with Mercedes, Tina and Mike, Santana and Brittany and Rachel and Finn.

“I tell you guys, Finn is acting so weird since we woke up. He forgot his notes for his lesson today, later he broke our coffee machine and he even forgot to pick up our daughter from school.”

Santana rolled her eyes and the others were either grinning because Finn tried not to look guilty or where just amused by Rachel.

“Hey guys,” Blaine greeted them as they reached their table and hugged each of them, like Jason did.

“Everything is fine, Rachel. I'm just drowning in work because the final exams are close,” Finn tried to explain himself but Blaine knew what was going on so he said nothing and sat down, at the end of the table, is back to the entrance of the bar and Jason next to him. But Rachel didn't give in and tried to find out the truth but then Sam changed the subject and asked how their kids were doing. Sam and Mercedes had four year old daughter, Tina and Mike an four year old boy and Rachel and Finn had an six year old daughter and a son, almost a year old. It was one of those topics Blaine liked to hear because he really loved kids and sometimes I thought about when he could have some. The only thing was that Jason didn't want any kids. It wasn't like he didn't like them he just didn't want to have some which was another reason why Blaine didn't say yes to his proposal. He wanted to have kids, he wanted to have a family, with someone and driving his son or daughter to school, help them with their homework, show them how to ride a bicycle. All those things but Jason was against kids.

 

An hour later it was Rachel – she always kept a close look to the door – who opened her mouth and said nothing just kept it open and her eyes went wide. Of course everyone caught her expression and turned to look at the door and there he was, Kurt together with a blond haired guy, a bit taller than Kurt, dark blue eyes and looking really handsome. Blaine knew who it was and somehow he felt strange. Seeing Kurt holding the hand of an other guy, both wearing a silver ring on their right hand was... weird and somehow it hurt.

“It's Kurt!” Rachel exclaimed and suddenly the girls stood up, basically running to him, pulling him into a tight hug and he smiled.

The boys stood up and greeted him too and Blaine only saw hugs, heard them laughing, speaking and he just sat there, watching them and feeling something that told him, yes, this was right, it should be like that.

“Is this the Kurt? Your ex?” Jason asked him and Blaine had totally forgotten about him sitting next to him.

“Yeah,” he answered and gave him one quick look just to see that Jason was surprised. Good, because he wasn't here to have any kind of drama. He kept on watching them, seeing Kurt smiling, nodding to some questions, saying something, introducing his fiance – Blaine didn't hear his name but he couldn't care less right now – and just drowning in those warm feelings he felt.

“Holy shit! Hummel, you are engaged?!” Santana throw her hands up and almost pulled her hair.

Again, voices, questions and Finn calmed them down so they went back to their places and as Blaine met Kurt's eyes he stood up and hugged him too. For just one second he forgot Jason, he forgot Kurt's fiance and it felt almost like seven years ago. Just them, with their friends and planning their future.

“Blaine, this is Garrett. Garrett this is Blaine,” Kurt introduced them and Blaine tried his best to give him an honest smile and shook his hand. At least he looked nice.

“Hey, Kurt talked about you. Nice to meet you,” and Blaine hoped he meant it and wished, although he didn't know why, that he knew nothing about their fight or anything else. But, knowing Kurt he probably said nothing about them. They never really shared all those important things with anybody.

“Likewise. And this is Jason, my boyfriend,” Blaine said and turned around seeing a big grin on Jason's face as he looked at Garrett. Both, Kurt and Blaine raised their eyebrows until Jason said: “He is the old friend, Blaine. He works for Vogue and asked me to take the photos. We met some hours ago.”

“You didn't tell me that Blaine is your boyfriend,” Garrett said as they sat down, he next to Santana and Kurt next to him and me.

“Of course I did. He is my sweetheart,” Jason said indignantly and Blaine knew, he probably didn't. “Wait, so you guys actually met each other already?” Mercedes asked and looked at Kurt and Blaine who told her the story and Finn, Sam and Mike where laughing while the girls still looked at them, like they were unsure about this situation.

“And you both... come along?” it was Tina who asked it.

“Yeah, sure. We are no teenagers anymore and there is no reason to fight,” Blaine assured him.

“Yes, we talked about it and it's fine,” he said and we shared a smile.

 

Kurt told them about how he met Garrett and how he proposed to him when they were in Paris. He told them that he was working for Vogue as an assistant and that he really liked his work. Then the others told about their life's and kids and Kurt was eager to meet their children finally after so many years. Then it was Garrett's turn to tell a bit about himself but he only talked about Vogue and Kurt and that he is usually drowning in work and always at some important parties or fashion shows. Blaine however couldn't help himself and had his troubles to actually like him. And of course the reason was because he and Kurt were together and they were engaged, things he wanted to have years ago but now it was too late.

Luckily and Blaine was thankful that Santana started with it, they were talking about high school and as they all moved to New York and it felt really good to share these old stories were there was only Kurt and their friends. No Jason, no Garrett, only them and when things were fine.

“I remember how Blaine got lost and I waited for him for hours,” Kurt began.

“Hey, you wanted that scarf we once saw and I wanted to buy it and surprise you.”

“Blaine, you were gone for hours and I had no idea where you were. It was our second week here and I know you meant it good.”

“I even called you and told you I'll be back later that day,” Blaine laughed with Kurt.

“And I asked you where you are and you said at college so I thought it would only take an hour but you were gone for almost six hours.”

“And I was the one who found you,” Rachel said: “And he was acting like a child 'I need this scarf for Kurt! I likes it!' and then we were looking for this scarf and I swear my feet still hurt when I remember that day.”

They laughed and Blaine leaned back, pouting at Kurt: “And you loved the scarf.”

“Of course. After I didn't talk at you for an hour and let you sleep on the sofa.”

It was good. So good to be with all the people he loved and could laugh for hours. Especially that he could laugh and talk with Kurt the way it used to be. No, it was even better. He didn't feel like he had to pretend or even try, it just happened, it worked and he really had missed this.

 

* * *

 

Later they said their goodbyes and went on their way back home. Blaine and Jason walked home, no hand holding, nothing and it wasn't even awkward or anything. This was how things were between them. They didn't take a walk together for weeks, they didn't go out for dinner or drinks together for weeks. They didn't interact couple like that much anymore because Jason was always working or sleeping. Of course he tried, he kissed him, sometimes they were intimate when Jason was awake. But it didn't feel like Blaine wished it would feel. But then he remembered how it all started, how wonderful it was and how much fun they had together. It was different, it wasn't like being with Kurt but it wasn't bad. Just now it was exhausting.

“You were happy tonight,” Jason said and Blaine moved his eyes to his face to find curiosity.

“Well, yeah. They are my friends. I like to be with my friends.”

“Why didn't you tell me that you met Kurt?”

Blaine gulped, his mouth suddenly dry and hoping Jason didn't see it and shrugged. He didn't want to make a secret about this, he just never thought it was important because... they were just friends and Kurt was taken, like Blaine.

“Well, you were away or sleeping and it's not like it is important. We are just friends.”

“But you were happy, Blaine. I never saw you like this with anybody before. You were basically alone with him there.”

“Nonsense. You were next to me and the others were there too.”

Jason stopped walking and so did Blaine, turning around and staring at him. His boyfriend just stood there, looking back at Blaine and his expression was serious.

“What?”

“Do you still love him?”

“Jason, please, it's been seven years since the last time I saw him and he is engaged.”

“That doesn't mean that you don't love him.”

Blaine said nothing because he didn't know how he felt about Kurt. It was all new, strange and familiar at the same time. But if he actually loved him he had no idea. Sure, he liked being with Kurt because it was so easy and they have so much to talk about and they weren't fighting. Which was really important to him because he needed Kurt as a friend. Without him Blaine wouldn't be here today and without Blaine Kurt wouldn't be here too. They saved each others life.

“Is he the reason you didn't say yes? Because you are waiting for him?”

“No, Jason. I said no because we are not okay right now!” Blaine almost shouted and then he placed his hand against his forehead and sighed. God, he wanted to sleep, just sleep and figure their issues out. He heard Jason footsteps, felt his arms around his shoulders and how he pressed Blaine against his body.

“I'm sorry sweetheart. I'm just... trying so hard to fix all this. But seeing you with Kurt scared me.”

Blaine hugged him back, holding him for a while because he was so confused it made him sick. Even if there were any feeling left beyond friendship it was pointless. Kurt was engaged, he was with Garrett and he looked happy with him. And he loved Jason, he wanted to be with him. It wasn't perfect and it wasn't exactly what he wanted, sometimes he even felt like he couldn't breath. But it was enough.

Therefore Blaine said nothing, he wasn't trusting his own voice and words and just pulled back, gave his boyfriend a short kiss and took his hand. Somehow it would work out, right? It was enough, right? Because sometimes it was like that. You couldn't have what you wanted and you had to be fine with the things you had. Even if it meant it would never be enough but anything you needed to be happy, at some point.

 

 

 


	4. Assistant

 

Chapter 4. Assistant

 

We all have our dreams and we all want our dreams to come true. We try, we work hard, we do everything to get closer to our dream so we can finally live it. We always have dreams no matter how old we are. As a child you maybe dream about being a fireman, or become a princess. Later you dream about love, your job, some trip you want to do. We always have something that we are chasing after. But sometimes we have to let a dream go, to give it up. Sometimes our dreams change and we find something new, better or something we can accept.

Since high school Kurt wanted to be an actor and a singer. He wanted to be in theaters, he wanted people to see him and let him entertain them. He loved wearing the costumes, playing many different roles. But his dream changed and not because he thought he wasn't good enough to be an actor and singer. He just figured out that it didn't make him as much happy as fashion. First he tried to not to think about it because he was already studying for a year and wanted to finish his studies together with Blaine. But he couldn't run away, he realized more and more how much more he enjoyed fashion, creating his own styles and then, as he and Blaine basically grew apart and eventually broke up he thought, maybe it would be the best to start a new life. So after their break up he changed his studies and wanted to become a designer. Kurt changed his college, moved to another part of New York and remained there for three years. It wasn't easy for him knowing Blaine was close but it made it bearable because Blaine didn't know Kurt was still in New York. Of course he made sure his friends wouldn't say a word to Blaine. Studying was hard for Kurt because he was still sad about their break up and angry about Blaine and his only distraction were the things he had to study and creating his own clothes. He didn't want to spent time with his friends that much. Not because he didn't want to hear anything from Blaine he just couldn't stand it being around them while they were so in love, so successful and he had to start all over again, not to mention the pain he felt because he and Blaine broke up. But somehow he found enough to do, enough things to keep his mind busy and things that made him happy. Yes, he loved his new studies and was happy, although there was this hole in his heart. First it hurt a lot, later it was just there, waiting to be filled with something new. But Kurt knew there would be no one like Blaine. He met Garrett met him at Vogue. They knew each other briefly for two years, then got to know each other for another two years when they were working together for Vogue. It took Kurt four years to finally be able to date someone, to even consider this as something he wanted and could do. So, months before Kurt turned twenty five Garrett asked him out for a date and he agreed but was unsure still. It took Garrett six dates until Kurt agreed on being together with him. It was Kurt's twenty-fifth birthday.

 

Being with Garrett changed a lot in Kurt's life. There was happiness, there was someone who could hold him, kiss him and make him feel good and wanted. He had someone who worked in the same business, who knew what they were talking about and who helped Kurt to become better. The first year was incredible for him. His chef Isabelle Wright was a lovely woman, always helping him, always asking for his advice and treating him like anybody else and not like just an assistant. She was even so nice and agreed on, that Kurt would be his boyfriends assistant which made his work somehow easier and getting to know his boyfriend better. It was good, it was all he wanted and although the hole in his heart was still there he knew, after six years of hearing nothing it was maybe better to forget everything and move on. Maybe some day he would meet Blaine again, he always thought. Someone would get married in the future, someone would plan a Glee club reunion and they would see each other again and this time they wouldn't fight but be friends again. Yeah, he always missed his friend Blaine and he tried not to talk that much about him when Garrett was around. Sure he told him they were together, that Blaine was his high school sweetheart, but he never told him about how much they loved each other, how strongly they believed in their future. That they would be together forever. No, it wasn't like this anymore and probably it wouldn't be like that again.

Those thoughts were part of his first year with Garrett, with being an assistant and becoming an adult. College was done, he was working, he had a relationship, he got his own money. They stayed in New York, sometimes the left New York for some weeks because of work or just for vacation. And then, as they went to Paris for some months because of their work Garrett proposed and Kurt said yes. Things were fine, he was happy. He was.

“Tonight is a charity event, you want to come with me?” Garrett asked, leaning against the door frame while Kurt was sitting at his desk and drawing a new dress. His workroom was almost empty when it came to furniture. There was one long desk, a shelve and another desk with pencils and stuff. When Kurt wasn't at work or with Garrett he spent most of his time here, drawing all the ideas he had down and stick it on his wall.

“I think not. I have some ideas I want to draw them down,” he said without looking up from the dress he was drawing.

“Kurt, you used to go there, what happened? The last six months you weren't at one of them.”

His boyfriend sighed, walked inside and took a look of his art. Kurt didn't like it when he did that. Garrett had this habit of criticizing him although Kurt thought there was nothing to criticize. At least Isabelle always loved his work and compared to Garrett she had more experience in this business. But he was his boyfriend, he meant it good and Kurt knew this but it made him also feel like he would never be more than an assistant. He never said a word about it because things were fine like they were. He was an assistant and supporting his boyfriend and he was at least in this business he wanted to be, even if it meant he had almost no influence on anything. Therefore he loved Isabelle because she always took his opinions and advices serious and used them for her work. Of course she said nothing about this to Garrett.

“I'm just an assistant, Garrett. It's not like I'm good enough to be more right now.”

“I know babe,” he kissed Kurt's temple: “One day you won't be an assistant anymore. But this doesn't matter to me, Kurt. Even if you were working at a coffee shop or in the mall, I won't change he fact that I love you and that I want the world to see my boyfriend.”

All he gave him was a small smile and then he shook his head.

“I know but... those events aren't really my world.”

Actually he didn't want to go there because whenever they asked him where he was working and as what he was working the treated him like that, as an assistant. Also, Garrett saying that he didn't care about Kurt only being this and nothing more wasn't completely true. Of course he never said it to Kurt, he never acknowledged it directly but Kurt knew it. Garrett enjoyed it to be the one who brought the money in their relationship, he was proud of being able to do that and this is who he supposed to be since the day he was born. He always had the best grades, he always got what he wanted and he had everything under control, like his father. Garrett always made sure things were fine, things were like he wanted them to be and that Kurt had everything he wanted. Spoiling Kurt with gifts, with travels, with everything without Kurt asking him to do so. It was nice, it was good and each person would be happy to have something like this. At the beginning it Kurt liked it, but later he realized, this wasn't what he wanted, what he needed.

 

* * *

 

“She is lovely, Mercedes,” Kurt said with a warm smile as he held her four year old daughter: “And she grew a lot and became even more beautiful.”

“You hear that mommy!? Uncle Kurt says I'm beautiful!” the girl cheered while her curly, dark hair jumped up and down, together with her.

“I've heard it, sweetie,” she smiled at her daughter who jumped off of Kurt's lap and moved excitedly on her feet, her little hands turning to fists.

“Can I show uncle Kurt my new dress, mommy? Can I!?” she asked with wide blue eyes.

“Of course, Nora,” Mercedes said and with a happy squeak she ran out of the kitchen, into her room and slammed the door shut. Mercedes sighed, took a sip of her tea and Kurt chuckled.

“She is full of life, hm?”

“Oh yeah she is. Which can be pretty exhausting but the good thing is she sleeps the whole night through, so I don't want to complain.”

Sitting here, in her huge white kitchen and seeing her daughter made it clear for Kurt just how much time had passed since the last time he saw her. She was just a baby, some months old and so, so small and now she could speak and walk and wasn't the baby anymore he once knew.

“So, Garrett. How long are you together?”

“Two years now. We met each other at my college and later at Vogue so I knew him briefly before we became a couple.”

“And he is working with you?”

Kurt only nodded, not wanting to tell her that he was his boyfriends assistant. When he became Garrett's assistant he was pretty proud of himself but now it just felt like he never would be anything else. And he knew exactly why. For some weeks Kurt was thinking about working somewhere else so he could be a designer and not just an assistant but he loved Isabelle too much and all the other people at Vogue. And asking Garrett to change his workplace? No way.

“Come on, Kurt, tell me about the proposal,” she grinned and Kurt smiled back, looking at his hands.

“It was in Paris, in front of the Eiffel Tower. I swear I thought those things only happen in movies. Ridiculous romantic.”

“And you said yes? Immediately?” Mercedes asked with wide eyes and a bright smile.

“Yeah,” he tried to sound happy, he tried to look like he was deeply in love. But the truth was, Kurt had his doubts. Not because he didn't love Garrett but because he couldn't be who he wanted to be. It would hurt Garrett, make him angry and maybe he would feel like nothing when not only he but also Kurt start to work as a designer and get the same payment and same attention as Garrett. He never felt like this before. Whenever he had a goal he worked for it, he got there and made himself happy. He changed his studies, he worked hard to become a designer and now he was stuck because he didn't want to hurt his boyfriend and talking with Garrett about that was not possible. He did it once and they had almost a fight.

“Seems like he makes you happy?”

“Yeah, I mean of course we have our struggles but we are doing fine.”

“And when is the wedding?”

Kurt laughed and shook his head: “We haven't planned this far yet. Garrett is busy until November with work and then we wanted to actually plan something.”

It was almost July – Garrett's two week break was close – and then in August and September he would leave New York from time to time while Kurt would stay here and work for Isabelle.

“And you and Blaine? You are okay?”

He held his breath, tried to calm his heart down and shrugged. Blaine... he hadn't seen Blaine for years and then they met again, suddenly and on a pretty unusual way. Actually as he saw Blaine he lost control over his vehicle but didn't say a word to him about that. He couldn't tell him that his heart basically stopped the moment he saw him and that his mind went through memories he avoided or thought he forgot a long time ago.

“We are not fighting or something. We actually do come along but it's still... strange. I mean we broke up and we never called each other or anything. I haven't seen him for seven years and I knew we would meet again but I thought I would have been more prepared.”

It was confusing seeing Blaine, talking with Blaine. It was like nothing ever happened, like there was no fight, nothing bad at all like they were still the people they were seven years ago. Blaine still had his soft puppy eyes, his ridiculous long eyelashes and looking a lot younger than he actually was. He still laughed about the same things, he still enjoyed the same things and he still had this smile for Kurt. And somewhere, deep inside him he felt how this hole in his heart began to be filled again. It was good but it was also scary.

“You two talked about the past? I remember how bad your fight was.”

“We... didn't talk about this yet and that's why it's still strange for me and for Blaine too. I mean, I was together with him for three years and I know him. He hasn't changed much.”

A small, warm smile stretched on Kurt's face and he really liked it that Blaine was still Blaine. Sure he changed, he was more mature, more reasonable but he was still this lovely, helping guy Kurt got to know through the years they were together and as he found this out his heard dropped because of relief. As he and Blaine broke up Kurt feared that Blaine would fall back into his old habits, that the next thing he would hear from Blaine were some bad news in the morning news. It could have been anything, a fight, robbery, stealing a car... because this was also Blaine Anderson.

“I'm just... happy that we are friends again or on our way to be friends again.”

With a smile she reached for his hand, squeezed it and said: “I'm glad you two are fine.”

 

* * *

 

Saying it didn't do something to him when he saw Blaine would be a lie. Of course there were all those feelings from the past, the memories, everything that he and Blaine once had coming back and remembering him how beautiful the time was. But it was not only the time they spent together, or that they were each other first kiss, or first time and all the other first times they've shared. Before they were together, before they even knew each other both went through hard times and without the other both probably wouldn't be where they were now. And because of this, because of all the things they did for each other, went through together Kurt always thought they would be together forever. There was never a serious fight between them or something that made Kurt ever doubt they wouldn't make it. Until one day.

“Hey Kurt,” Isabelle smiled at him, her head peeking through the door with a bright smile.

“Isabelle, hi. You are back,” he stood up from his desk and walked to her to share a hug.

She went inside, closed the door behind her and Kurt placed two chairs in front of his desk showing her to sit down.

“How was Chicago?”

“Good, the young designers had some amazing ideas. It's always refreshing to visit those events.”

When he began to study fashion design he was the same, enthusiastic, having ideas and ideas and everything that crossed his mind was immediately drawn down. In the past seven years he filled seven sketchbooks with his ideas but he never showed them to anybody. Sure his teachers saw them and some of his fellow students and one time Isabelle caught a glimpse of them. She loved them, called them beautiful, said he was incredibly talented and asked him why he never made an application to work as an designer or even sent his works to someone because it was just amazing. Of course Kurt wanted to do that, of course he wanted people to see and wear his ideas. But things changed.

“And you are doing good? Happy to be back in New York?”

“Yeah, very. I met my friends, saw their kids and it was really good. I haven't seen them for so long. I... even met my ex boyfriend.”

Isabelle raised her eyebrows, nodding knowingly and smiled, not even trying to hide how curious she was.

“And you two are okay?”

“I think we are. I mean we aren't twenty anymore and the way we met again was kind of funny.”

It was so easy for Kurt to talk with her, to trust her and share almost everything with her. It was easier than with Garrett who had his values and his opinions and didn't let anybody convince him that he was wrong or did something wrong. Sometimes it was tiring and sometimes it was helpful. That's why he never told him about Blaine, or what they had, or why they even broke up. He only told him that Blaine was his high school sweetheart, the first love of his life and that was it. He never said that Blaine was the love of his life and would ever be it. Of course not, you don't say such a thing to your actual boyfriend and basically start a fight, a pointless fight and make him feel like a second choice. He told her about the way they met and Isabelle laughed with her beautiful voice.

“Sounds like from a love story. Well, I know it isn't like that but it's good that you have him back. I know you missed him, especially as a friend.”

And he really missed him. He missed their friendship, missed it to have someone around him who knew him better than Kurt knew himself.

“There is still some things we need to talk about sooner or later but for now I'm happy to have him back.” This happiness he felt around Blaine felt good and at the same time it worried him. It was so easy, so familiar to be with Blaine and he first realized this when Garrett said it. How happy he looked, how he was around Blaine, how they were together and Kurt kept on saying that there is nothing, that they are friends, that it's normal how they treat each other because they were a part of the others life. Kurt kept on telling this to himself but he couldn't deny it that there were feelings.

“I would really like to meet him one day. Maybe you can organize such a meeting?”

And Kurt nodded while Isabelle smiled, patted his shoulder and left. He knew this smile, he knew this expression. She wouldn't say it but Kurt knew she and Garrett didn't come along and she wished Kurt would be together with someone else but accepted his decision.

 

* * *

 

It was the first Saturday of July and Garrett wasn't at home. Another party, another event and he loved it. He loved to go there, enjoyed the high society, enjoyed the long nights about gossip, fashion and money. Maybe people like Garrett with his position and his fame liked those events and maybe, as an assistant you didn't. Or maybe it was just Kurt who always felt not right there and people basically made it clear for him just because of his status. Of course Isabelle was there too and he was sure she would only say the best about him and try to make him more popular inside the fashion design business, but he couldn't let that happen. With a sigh he turned off the TV, stood up and left his apartment. It was a warm evening when he walked outside, the sky clear and people walking through the city. They lived close to the city like Garrett like it so the way back home from work and the way to the events wasn't that far. It was always loud, always some light shining and it was really annoying Kurt the first weeks. Now he just dealt with it, stuffing his ears and trying to sleep. That's why he liked Blaine's place. It was a nice, quiet housing complex near a park and not that far away from the heart of the city. When they met – which happened like three times after their night with their friends in Santana's bar – he was once at Blaine's place, exchanging old stuff they had from each other, then in the city for a cup of coffee and later with Finn in a coffee shop too. But he really liked Blaine's place because it was not only placed in a quiet and really beautiful part of the city but also because it was so Blaine and he always felt good around Blaine. No matter how bad their fight was, no matter what they said to each other it wouldn't change the fact that he felt good around him. Those bad memories weren't as important as all the good one and he had many of those. Which is why he headed to Santana's bar knowing Blaine would be there that night an play something. Just because Garrett went out didn't mean that Kurt had to stay at home.

He took a cab, drove to Santana's bar and walked inside. There were people sitting at the tables – all tables were taken – and Santana was serving drinks, smiling at her guests she already knew well and as she saw Kurt a smug smile stretched over her lips.

“Hey, Kurt. Where is your fancy fiance?”

“At some party. Not really my world so I thought I come here instead of being at home and be bored as hell.”

“Well, I bet it won't be boring here. Come on I give you a drink for free.”

He followed her to the bar and sat down, turned around to face the stage were two guys were arranging the instruments. He didn't know those people but he knew the guy with the wide grin and gelled hair. Blaine was beaming, holding his guitar and wearing dark blue jeans, a white shirt and black vest.

“You are here to meet Blaine?” Santana asked as she gave Kurt a red colored cocktail with a cherry.

“No, he doesn't know I'm here.”

He didn't need to say that he wanted to see him, hear him play and sing and enjoy this good feeling he always had when Blaine was singing or just around him. Of course Kurt was curious if he would feel what he felt in the past when Blaine sang and also how good he became in singing. No, he had no doubt that Blaine became even better in singing. His blue eyes were focused back on the stage, seeing Blaine and the three other guys taking their places, laughing about something and then Blaine leaned to the microphone, holding his guitar and counted down.

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGKfrgqWcv0>

“ _one, two, one, two, three, four!”_

They began to play, moving slowly to the music, smiling, laughing and the small crowd was cheering with them, clapping and some jumped up. It was clear that those people knew Blaine and the other guys, that they enjoyed their music and not for the first time. Kurt smiled to himself, drinking his cocktail through a straw and watching Blaine from afar. His beautiful, happy, in love with art Blaine.

“ _Well I came home, like a stone. And I fell heavy into your arms. These days of dust, which we've known, will blow away with this new sun.“_

Kurt just held his glass, watched Blaine, listened and his eyes grew wide. He knew this song.

“ _But I'll kneel down wait for now. And I'll kneel down know my ground.”_

They stopped playing for a second and Blaine caught Kurt's eyes singing: _“And I will wait I will wait for you,”_ Kurt saw him swallowing, then smiling: “And I will wait I will wait for you.”

And they played again, Blaine grinning at the crowd and as he saw Kurt, as their eyes met they both forgot to smile for one second, Kurt forgot why he was here and where he was because this always happened when Blaine sang and he loved it, he enjoyed it. It was his heaven when Blaine sang to him. Remembering where they were, they shared a smile and Blaine sang again, looking at him.

“So break my step and relent. Well you forgave and I won't forget,” Kurt mouthed the song with Blaine, looking down for a second because yes, he forgave, Blaine forgave him: _“Know what we've seen and him with less. Now in some way shake the excess.”_

Those were one of those songs – _'Cause I will wait I will wait for you_ – he and Blaine used to hear when they met each other until the day they broke up. The last time he heard to those songs was right after their break up – _And I will wait I will wait for you –_ and he knew he did it only to have something from Blaine close to him. Something only they shared – _And I will wait I will wait for you –_ without any other. He remembered _– And I will wait I will wait for you –_ how Blaine sang this song to him when he told him that he wanted to be with him but he was still such a troublesome guy that Kurt told him he needed time and Blaine said he would wait. 

“ _Now I'll be bold as well as strong,”_ again they shared a look, a smile and Kurt almost blushed when he heard the other words: _“And use my head alongside my heart,”_ and his heart began to pound fast and heavy against his chest: _“So tame my flesh and fix my eyes. A tethered mind freed from the lies.”_

There he was, singing about the past, singing about the things that once were and maybe even still, somewhere were.

“ _And I'll kneel down wait for now. I'll kneel down know my ground.”_

Somewhere, deep inside his heart, hidden in the darkest place of his heart and min he wished that it would be the same, that he only needed to say yes and start again. Just to try it, just to see what it would be like but it wasn't right. He had Garrett, he was engaged and it was crazy what he thought. The thoughts of a young boy he once was believing in all those things they told in fairy tales.

“ _Raise my hands, paint my spirit gold. And bow my head, keep my heart slow.“_

But he would give a lot to just be free _– 'Cause I will wait I will wait for you –_ and say yes to Blaine when he asked him again _– And I will wait I will wait for you –_ and fix their struggles, talk about it _– And I will wait I will wait for you –_ and deal with it differently _– And I will wait I will wait for you –_ on a mature way because Blaine would always be the love of his life. 

 

* * *

 

Acting because of some feelings that happened suddenly, because of some things you didn't do in the past but want to do now, although it would only cause trouble, weren't always good decisions. Sometimes it was true, no risk no fun, but sometimes it was better to wait and see. And Kurt tried that. All the things he felt happened because of old memories, good old memories. Seeing Blaine singing, sometimes singing to him and one of those songs they used to hear made him feel like the young man he once was. They both were young, trying things out, acting after their feelings without thinking. But this was many years ago. He looked over his shoulder, watching Blaine leaving the stage and walking up to him with a big smile and Kurt smiled back.

“Hey,” he breathed, sitting down next to Kurt and waving to Santana who nodded. 

“You've become better and... it was good to hear this song again.”

He watched Blaine's smile grew smaller, his head slowly nodding and then Santana gave him his beer and turned around again.

“I've listened to our... songs the past weeks even before we met. And after I met you I couldn't stop. But, thank you.”

Kurt didn't listen to the songs but he knew what Blaine meant. After meeting him, talking with him brought so many things back that he wasn't sure how he felt, what he should feel and what was the best thing to do. Sure, Kurt wanted to spent more time with Blaine and be friends with him but not under those circumstances and not without talking about the things that happened. He needed to talk about their break up, make things clear and then move on with him. 

“I was thinking about the past too... and I think we should talk about it.”

“Yeah... I wanted to ask you the same. And I was thinking, maybe, we could meet with our boyfriends to a... movie night or something. I mean you are engaged and I would like to know him.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Well, Jason is worried that I would leave him because you are back. And I would like him to know you and see that there is nothing to be worried about. But I also want to know Garrett and make sure he treats you right.”

Kurt laughed, not because he thought it was funny but because it made him insecure. So, Jason didn't like him and Blaine wanted to know Garrett and see that he was right for Kurt. He was unsure what he should think about that. Yet this was Blaine who always cared about other people and wanted those people he loved to be safe and happy. Like a friend.

“Sure, why not. I think it would be good,” however, Kurt wasn't sure about that because Garrett didn't really like those things. He was no jealous person and he wasn't afraid that Kurt would leave him.

“Where is Garrett, if I may ask.”

“At some event. Not really my thing so I came here and...” he couldn't say that he wanted to see him: “...hoped I wouldn't be bored anymore.”

“Oh, this makes him look like a bad boyfriend,” Blaine smiled and Kurt knew he was joking. Actually... it was true at some point and this hurt. Garrett loved his work, did everything for his work and sometimes Kurt wondered – especially in the past weeks – if his work and those events were more important than him. 

“It's his job. But, to come back to your idea, I think it would be good. I don't want to cause any trouble between you and Jason because I want to see you.”

“Don't worry, Kurt. Just because we were together doesn't mean we can't see each other. You are engaged, I'm with Jason but that doesn't mean I can't care about other people or be friends with you. And I want to be friends with you.”

His voice sounded sad and his eyes were locked on his beer: “No matter what will happen or what happened... I've never stopped carrying about you and I won't stop. We are friends, we always were.”

He stared at Blaine, just breathing saying nothing and wishing, not even trying to deny it, that he and Garrett weren't together, that he was free, Blaine was free and they would just talk, talk for hours and try it again. But this was just a dream and maybe not a smart decision. His life was okay, he was engaged and he loved Garrett. It was enough.

“Me too.”

“So,” Blaine smiled at him: “Maybe next weekend? Jason and I have nothing to do and we could meet at our place.”

And Kurt nodded although he wished they didn't have to do that. He wished he could just meet Blaine, alone and talk and somewhere, deep inside him he wished Garrett wouldn't know about that and also Jason. No one and it would be just him and Blaine again. Just for some hours.

“You okay? You look a bit worried,” Blaine asked and placed his hand on Kurt's shoulder. 

“Yes... I'm just a bit tired.”

But Kurt wasn't okay. 


	5. Our Movies

 

Chapter 5. Our movies

 

People come and go in our life. Some are gone for good, some stay until the end and some go and come back again. They are part of our life and always will be. They have a special place in our mind, our heart and when we meet those people again we remember the good, sad and silly things and laugh or share some sympathy. It's good to meet old friends again. But your life is not the same, it changed, you have new friends in your life, a new job, new apartment, new partner. And sometimes your friends or your partner don't approve your old friend. Especially when you have a new partner and your ex is back in your life.

 

Kurt had to face this situation with Blaine's boyfriend. He didn't believe that Jason disliked him but that he was worried because of his and Blaine's past. Of course they laughed together and of course they knew each other. It was a natural thing for both of them because, maybe 3 years weren't long but for Kurt they were intense. He never got a person to know as good as Blaine and he never was as close to a person like to Blaine. Therefore it was no surprise just how much it hurt him when they broke up. But it was also no surprise how much and how good they knew each other. Surprisingly for Kurt was really that Blaine didn't really change. All the things he once loved about Blaine were still there and he didn't even look older. Sure there were some new things like he was more calm, mature and being in peace with life and himself. But he was still the Blaine Anderson he fell in love with so many years ago. Or maybe he didn't notice the change in Blaine yet because they weren't spending that much time together. Which was why he really wanted to change it and spent more time with him. Especially talk about their past and what happened because he still felt like he owned Blaine an explanation and also Kurt needed one from Blaine. Luckily Garrett was fine with that and also with the movie night and Kurt hoped that Garrett wasn't like Jason because he really wanted Garrett to like Blaine or at least accept him.

“Did you buy the wine I asked you to?” Kurt asked from the couch were he was reading the new Vogue as Garrett came out of his room.

“Of course,” he answered and sat down next to Kurt, typing something on his phone. It probably had something to do with work like always, Kurt thought and looked back into his magazine.

“Kurt?”

“Mmh?”

“Why did you never tell me about Blaine?”

He looked up from his magazine, staring at his fiance with raised eyebrows. What was that supposed to mean?

“I told you about Blaine.”

He never made a secret about Blaine or that they were together because it didn't seem fair towards Garrett. They were still living in New York and it was possible to meet Blaine anytime – well Kurt made sure he moved far away from Blaine and avoided the places they were used to go.

“I mean about how you met and how your relationship was. Also I have no idea why you two broke up.”

Oh, that, Kurt thought and took one last glimpse into the article he was reading but decided to close the Vogue and focus on Garrett. Even if he kept on reading Garrett would have taken away his magazine and waited for Kurt to say something. This was Garrett, he always got what he wanted and if not he took it.

“Because it doesn't matter.”

The truth was Kurt didn't want to share anything that he experienced with Blaine. It was his, his alone and too precious to share with anyone. The good times and the bad times, everything he wanted to keep for himself, with Blaine and Kurt knew Blaine didn't share it either.

“We were together, we had a great time but it didn't work out. And now you and I are together and about to get married. Isn't this what should matter now?” Talking about them, their marriage, what they have planned for the future always made Garrett quiet, smiling and he stopped what he was doing. Kurt hoped it would work this time too, but Garrett didn't jump on that and looked at Kurt, turning his phone off.

“I just want to know who he is because I doubt he'll be out of our lives, right? I saw how good you two get along although you haven't seen or heard from each other for seven years. And you know I give you everything you want and need. Even if it's Blaine.”

Discomfort was all Kurt felt. Garrett didn't mean that he would let Kurt go if this case would ever happen. He meant, that if he wanted to be friends with Blaine he wouldn't be against it or do something against it. But Kurt knew Garrett and his strange ways of dealing with something or wanting something and he was sure many ways Garrett decided to go he had no idea about. His fiance could be an asshole, he could be cruel and he always had this fake smile when he disliked someone. So far this didn't happen when Blaine was around because right now there was no reason to act that way. However, the future was unclear and Kurt was a bit worried, even scared it could be like this. What if he had to make a decision? What if Garrett asked him to stay away from Blaine? Although Garrett gave Kurt everything he needed what if Blaine made am exception? No, Kurt mentally shook his head. This would never happen because Garrett and Jason were friends and if he could be friends with Jason so could Kurt be with Blaine.

“Blaine is a good guy and a good friend. And we two should get ready.”

 

* * *

 

This meeting, Blaine, him and their boyfriends was never something Kurt imagined. In his dreams he was always with Blaine, married, living together and having a little family. Never had he dreamed of that one day he would meet Blaine and his boyfriend and Kurt with his. It was always Kurt and Blaine and it felt like forever. Still somewhere in his head he liked to keep this memory because there were so many good memories with Blaine and this was one of them. It always sounded so good and so easy on his lips when he said Blaine and I or Kurt and Blaine. Also he couldn't change the smile he had for Blaine. This one warm smile when he saw him, not even after seven years.

“Hey! Welcome,” Blaine greeted them as he opened the door and shared a hug with Kurt, smiling like he used to.

They both greeted him, went inside and took their shoes off, following Blaine to the living room where Jason was waiting and grinning wide and happy when he saw Garrett.

“Dude! Hey! I need to show you something.”

And then Jason simply left, not saying hi to Kurt or paying any attention at him which made Kurt feel uncomfortable and a bit sad. His boyfriend followed Jason, giving Kurt a look who only shook his head as for saying he was fine. The door to Jason room closed and Blaine sighed annoyed.

“Sorry about that. I tried to talk to him but we ended up fighting.”

“I'm sorry if I was the reason for that.”

Blaine gave Kurt an earnest look.

“Don't be sorry, Kurt. It's not your fault that he can't act like an adult. I met his ex boyfriends before and I never acted like an idiot. Because that's what he is doing. But, whatever, he'll calm down.”

Kurt really hoped that. Being the reason for their fight made him even more uncomfortable and he wanted Jason to at least accept him because he wasn't planning to stop seeing Blaine. They went to the kitchen where Kurt saw a huge bowl with popcorn and Blaine opened the cupboard to get the glasses and he remembered how it was when they were still together. Sometimes Kurt came home late while Blaine was already there and prepared everything for a lazy movie night before they would go to bed and just sleep, snuggled together and make the other feel safe and loved. Before he met him, before they began to know each other Kurt never thought he would ever find someone like Blaine. His life was such a mess 10 years ago that he was so sure he would end up working in a coffee shop or wherever. Then he met Blaine and suddenly things began to change. They went through high school together and decided to go to New York and although Kurt's life was better he was still scared. Here, in this town where they had only each other and some of their old friends, Blaine was Kurt's anchor, the hand he knew would never let him go and get used to this life and make it through college. He really enjoyed this domestic life they had, this life where they weren't some high school students anymore and struggling with their young minds and trying to find out who they were. And never had he thought they would break up one day.

“What are you thinking? I guess something good judging by the way you smile,” asked Blaine and tugged Kurt out of his memories. He wasn't aware of his smile.

“It's just familiar. I mean it's still kind of awkward that we are... here, you know? You and me. But it's also familiar.”

Blaine put the second bowl down as he wanted to fill it with popcorn too and even he had to smile. It wasn't as warm as Kurt's was but he obviously knew what Kurt was talking about.

“You made the worst popcorn ever,” Blaine chuckled and made the tension go away because Kurt groaned and rolled his eyes playfully.

“Well, my cookies are still incredible.”

“Oh, I have no doubt about that.”

But Kurt wouldn't let him go away so easily. No matter how good it was to just be able to talk with him and be around him like nothing ever happened, he really wanted tot talk about this. About the past years, about what went wrong and just start at a new point as friends. Not talking about this would mean that he would never find closure. Never. He never did. The past years he always regretted that he and Blaine never talked about it but both just ran away from each other and distracted themselves. At least he did that.

“I was thinking, Blaine,” he began to speak and looked Blaine in the eye making sure he had his attention: “And I really want to talk about... what happened with us. What happened in the past years.”

He blinked, leaned his whole weight against the counter and cocked his head while Kurt inhaled deeply and exhaled.

“We've already said, that, we want to talk about this. But I want us to be alone when we do that. Jason obviously wouldn't listen-”

“No. He is too stubborn, sorry,” Blaine cut him off and smiled apologetically.

“And Garret doesn't know everything and I want to keep it that way. But... I want us to find some closure. Like really starting from zero because we just walked away from each other and there things I need to know and get over this.”

“Of course.”

Blaine smiled and so did Kurt. They took the two bowls of popcorn and the four glasses and went to the living room. Kurt really needed this talk with Blaine. He needed to talk about what happened, to find some answers and stop feeling like this. Before he met Blaine again he was so sure about everything, it wasn't perfect, not at all but his life made him happy, Garret made him happy and he was able to imagine a future together with him. They had a good life, loved their job, each other and that was all Kurt needed, right? Meeting Blaine was just confusing him and making him think the famous 'what if' questions. It was nothing that surprised him. They were together for so long, loved each other for so long and planned so many things together that the sudden break up and the not existing contact left nothing but questions and weird feelings. Feelings he never felt again with anyone. He told himself, as soon as they talked about everything and would start from zero again things would be just fine.

“Jason! We want to start!” Blaine called as they sat down on the couch and soon he heard the door going open and Kurt shared a smile with his fiancé as they both came to them and sat down. He risked a small glimpse at Jason who didn't pay any attention towards Kurt and sat down next to Blaine, placing his hand on his cheek and giving him a kiss and looking at Kurt for a second. Oh, okay, that said everything and Kurt almost rolled his eyes because Blaine was right. Jason acted like a stubborn child making sure people knew who Blaine belonged to.

“Jason,” Blaine mumbled a bit annoyed and his boyfriend smirked, wrapping his arm around Blaine's shoulder.

“What are we going to watch?” Garret asked and stared at his phone typing something down.

“Les Miserablés,” Kurt said and exhaled as his partner shoved his phone back into his pocket and smiled at Kurt. Good, at least he tried to enjoy this and not focus on work or anything.

“It's the musical, right?” Garret asked and Kurt nodded knowing he didn't like musicals as much as Kurt did but also that Garret wouldn't say no because it made him happy.

“Yeah, Blaine and I wanted to watch it together as we knew it would come out but we never got the chance to do so.”

“You saw it like how many times?”

“I stopped counting but it's... it's a tradition Blaine and I had.”

And then his fiancé smiled again, nodding and leaning back waiting for Blaine to turn on the TV and start the movie. Blaine just did that and Jason pulled him back next him, holding him close and Kurt could tell, judging by Blaine's eyes that he really didn't like that. Not because he felt uncomfortable or because he didn't want Jason around. No, he didn't like it because of the reasons Jason did that. Maybe it wasn't smart from him and from Blaine to be friends again. If it meant that he would ruin Blaine's relationship and cause only trouble he would step back and leave him alone. It would hurt, sure, and he really didn't want that but more than that he didn't want Blaine to be unhappy and fight with his boyfriend. He sighed, watching how the movie began and then back at his hand, watching the ring on his finger and sighed silently. They would figure it out and eventually Jason would understand that Kurt really didn't have any ulterior motives. All he wanted was his friend back who helped him to be who he is today. One last time he looked over to Blaine who was looking at Kurt and gave him a reassuring smile.

 

They were half through the movie and it was only Kurt and Blaine who really paid any attention to the story. Jason fell asleep like he always did during a movie and Garret was too busy with his phone, texting with someone. First Kurt tried to get his attention but he soon gave up and Blaine didn't even try to wake his boyfriend. He took the bowl with popcorn, placed it between him and Kurt and poured some wine – which Kurt brought – into their glasses and just enjoyed the movie with him. Both agreed on how awesome Javert was and how amazing Anne Hathaway performance was and when they begin to sing 'Do you hear the people sing' Blaine and Kurt couldn't help themselves but mouth the words along and grin at each other. The epilogue began and Garret patted Kurt's knee and stood up, going to the bathroom and accepting a call. Jason was snoring and wouldn't wake up anytime soon so they both just shared a look, telling how sorry they were about that and tried to enjoy the last minutes of the movie.

Kurt really couldn't believe it. He wasn't actually mad at Garret because this was his natural behavior but he really hoped he wouldn't do that, putting his work before him again. This meant really a lot to Kurt and it was something that made him happy and he wanted Garret to see it. He needed to know that Blaine was just his friend, a good guy and would never do anything that was not okay. And Blaine probably felt the same towards his boyfriend because when the movie was over he stood up and took everything from the table back to the kitchen. Kurt stood up, helping Blaine and following him watching how he let everything drop into the sink not carrying if he would break anything.

“Well that was just awesome,” Blaine huffed and turned the water on: “It's not like he did this on purpose, he really falls asleep when we watch a movie but I thought he would try not to.”

Kurt pressed his lips together, watching Blaine how he began to wash the bowl and glasses out.  
“Maybe they just need some time. They'll understand it soon.”

Blaine stopped what he was doing for some seconds, looking at Kurt and then he looked back down again asking: “What does Garret think about that?”

“He isn't worried. If you were a bad person he wouldn't let me see you but, I guess... he knows you aren't a bad person and just my friend.”

“Lucky you,” Blaine said and took the other bowl which Kurt gave him. Lucky, hm? Looking at this yes, Kurt was lucky that Garret didn't act like Jason. But he only did this because Blaine made Kurt happy and Garret never took something away from Kurt that made him happy. Nothing that was already there and Blaine was always there. Maybe not physically but in his mind.

“Look, Blaine. I really don't want to be the reason you and Jason fight over. If it's causing you just trouble to be friends with me I stand away from you.”

Again Blaine stopped what he was doing and stared at Kurt, this time with wide eyes and almost shaking his head. Oh, okay, Kurt was not the only one who desperately wanted Blaine to stay in his life.

“I don't want that, Kurt. You know what we've been through. You know it better than anyone.”

“I know,” Kurt whispered just like Blaine: “But I-”

“No 'but', Kurt. Jason will get over this. He knows it's not you or anyone who is responsible for us having a hard time right now. He is just looking for someone to blame.”

They had a hard time? Kurt didn't know about that and somehow – and he knew this was wrong – it made him feel some kind of relieve. Which was stupid because they weren't what they once were and he felt so much shame because he felt this way. He wanted Blaine to be happy and not unhappy.

“Look me in the eye and tell me you could just walk away from me, after everything we've been through. Because I... I can't. I wouldn't be who I am today without you and you know me, Kurt,” Blaine whispered and his tone was serious: “We helped each other, we saved each other and I really regret the past seven years. I regret that I lost my best friend.”

Friend. Right. They were friends. They were friends who knew each other so good that no matter if Blaine would cry or be angry or hopeless Kurt would just know what to do and how to help. And Blaine would know the same if Kurt ever needed someone.

“Me too.”

 

* * *

 

Was it a bad thing when your friend knew you better than your boyfriend? Wasn't your partner supposed to know how to comfort you and treat you so you could be happy and feel loved? Especially the person you were supposed to marry? Because that was how he felt right now. Garret gave him the physical pleasure, gave him love and everything Kurt wished to have. Everything that had nothing to do with emotions. Sometimes Garret did things that hurt Kurt but he never said something because Garret didn't know better. He had no idea about Kurt's high school years, nothing about what Blaine went through, what he went through and how they found a way out of their misery together. So it was no surprise that Garret did some things or say Kurt never liked. How when he had no idea about those important things that made Kurt to who he was. It would be easy to just tell him everything and make him understand but Kurt didn't want that. It was his and Blaine's he sharing felt just wrong.

“Jason really has something against you,” said Garret as they walked into their apartment.

“Well, I'm Blaine's ex maybe this is reason enough to dislike me.”

He slipped out of his shoes and wanted to walk to the bathroom but he felt his fiances hand stopping him by taking his hand and turned him around. Garret smiled at him, his dark blue eyes looking straight into Kurt's and he began to tremble slightly.

“I can talk to him and tell him there is no need to be worried,” he whispered and kissed Kurt's ring. Oh, he almost forgot that the ring was there.

“There is no need to be worried, right?”

“Of course not,” Kurt chuckled and tried to act normal because somehow, it made him uncomfortable. He didn't need his partner to go to Jason and tell him to back off and stop being an idiot towards Kurt. No, he really didn't need that he could handle it alone and moreover, Blaine already said they had a hard time.

“Good. I'm going to check my mails and then we'll meet in bed?”

“Sure,” Kurt answered, accepting the short kiss and Garret left.

No, there was no need to be worried. Not one. He just wanted his friend back. Just his friend.


	6. Trouble

 

Chapter 6. Trouble

 

**_10 years ago – McKinley High School – Ohio_ **

 

 

His pounding head hurt so bad he felt like he could pass out any minute and the smell of his own blood made everything even worse. But one thing satisfied him, only one thing and he wasn't even ashamed of it. No, this asshole deserved it. No one shoved him around, no one called him names and no one would go away with nothing if he did so. Luckily Blaine knew all these places at school where no teacher even thought about to look if things were okay and in the past two years not one teacher caught him here where he had his fights will all those assholes who thought it was fucking fun to treat him like shit. He stared down at the guy who was laying next to his feet and Blaine bowed down, hissing: “If you call me a fagot one more time, you'll regret it.” They dark haired guy groaned, curled himself into a fetal position and Blaine walked away from him, back inside the school to the bathroom. On his way people stared at him, his bleeding nose, his rumpled clothes and dirty face but it was nothing new, not at all. This was Blaine Anderson the guy who never ran away from trouble and was never afraid to do what he wanted to do. There was not one day which passed without a fight no matter if it was only verbal or physical. So it was nothing new, not for the students at McKinley. The best was to avoid Blaine Anderson if no one wanted to be in trouble because he literally looked for trouble.

Inside the bathroom he turned the water on, took his leather jacket off and began to wash his face and hissed because of the pain. Yet he went through worse pain compared to this. Blaine washed his face, his hands and took his shirt off. There was no need to show people the drops of blood on his white shirt and he could already hear some of the teachers sighing, complaining and taking him to Figgins. No, he really didn't want and need that. He pulled a new t-shirt out of his bag, the dirty one back inside and put it on. God, finally he didn't have to smell his own blood and the pounding in his head also slowly faded away. This idiot, he deserved it, Blaine thought and put his jacket back on, took his bag and left the bathroom walking to his English lesson.

 

What was the point anyway? He could also just drop his classes and go somewhere else and use his time like he wanted to. He didn't even pay much attention to what the teacher was saying. No, Blaine Anderson, seventeen years old knew he wouldn't graduate anyway, not with his list of how many times he got suspended, changed his schools, the two times they caught him because he stole beer from a shop and the many times he had fights with some guys. Sometimes he beat the crap out of them, sometimes he was the one who got beaten and it wouldn't be the first time he has bruises all over his skin. One time someone even broke his arm. And why he did that? Once someone asked him this and he had no answer. Honestly, it was none of their damn business. All he felt was anger, deep, red, anger and he needed to let it out. Oh the teachers at McKinley knew about that but luckily here no one ever caught him doing those things and he hoped it would stay like that. No, actually he didn't care if they caught him or not because he wouldn't graduate anyway.

“Mr. Anderson, please put your feet down from the table.”

Blaine shoot a cold look to the teacher but did that. He was too tired and his head still hurt from the fight an hour ago to argue with his teacher.

 

* * *

 

It was his second week at McKinley. His second week of being alone during lunch, doing his homework, walk alone through the halls and also going alone to school and out when it was over. It was nothing new, nothing changed. In the past year he changed his schools three times and it didn't help or change him. His parents could try this over and over again but it wouldn't change anything. He hated school, he hated to listen to people and he hated to live with his parents. But he had no friends or any other place to go so he was stuck in his misery and he really couldn't care less. He would probably end up in jail anyway and he was fine with that. Eventually his parents would get tired of him and stop carrying.

“I told you to shut your mouth, Rachel!” he heard someone shouting and then how a tray fell to the floor. Blaine looked up from the place he was sitting in the school canteen and watched a boy standing up and leaving the room with fast steps not carrying about the looks or how the girl with the brown hair called after him. Oh, maybe he wasn't the only guy who was looking for trouble here.

 

* * *

 

When you are seventeen you think you know everything and you think you can do everything. You are stuck in a circle of feeling mature and many confusing emotions. You feel like no one understands you or is smarter than you. Of course there are teenager who don't feel that way but being a teenager is really confusing. Because you are about to finish school, because you fall in love for the first time, because of all the different hormones and change of your body. You have to make decisions your parents can't do for you, you get to know who you are, you have to deal with all those strange things you never had to experience when you were a child. You have to deal with many different people, some of them are nice, some don't and you end up feeling misunderstood, lost and sometimes you do things you wonder why you are doing them. And sometimes you are just stuck because this is your life, this is how it will be forever and you can't see a way out of it.

 

Blaine felt a lot like this. Each damn day he felt this anger inside of him, this anger on the world, on his parents, people in general. The day he came out as gay was the worst day in his entire life. He was just fifteen, watching a movie with his friends and told them that he liked boys. And they began to laugh at him. The next day the whole school was laughing at him and, eventually, his parents found it out and told him he was just confused and he couldn't be gay. Blaine never said it again, never. He told himself maybe they were right, maybe it was just his confusing mind who told him that and it wasn't true. But once he said it the laughter, the weird looks never stopped and then the bullies began. First they called him names, then they began to shove him against the lockers and all he could do was trying to avoid them. Each morning he waited until everyone was in their classes and ran to his own. During school he looked for places to hide but he wasn't always that lucky. His life kept on being like that for six months and he really tried to convince them – and maybe himself too – that he wasn't gay. He was even so desperate he asked a girl if she would pretend to be his girlfriend so people would stop picking on him. But no, no one wanted to help him. Almost each night he cried himself to sleep, tried to stay strong during school and his parents never asked him again if he still 'felt' gay. They said he wasn't and everything was said and done.

But Blaine knew it better, so much better. He wasn't attracted to girl, he didn't dream of a girls body or wanted a girls body. He liked boys, he liked cocks and the night, when he turned sixteen he watched his first porno and knew it. He was gay, 100% gay.

Tired of being bullied and tired of all the people who knew him better than he knew himself Blaine began to take boxing lessons. Gone was the nice boy with good grades and this charming smile. Gone was the boy with slick hair and a huge heart. He was tired, tired and angry and he wanted to do anything so people would just stop bullying him. He found some 'friends' who helped him to know how he had to hit people so they wouldn't get any bad injuries but would feel enough pain so they were laying on the ground, groaning maybe crying and leave him alone. Yes, it didn't take too long and he had his first fight at his school and immediately his parents got a call and Blaine got suspended from school for the first time in his life.

He was sitting on a bench in a park close to his parents house and remembered that day pretty clear. His dad drove them both back home, clearly angry but not saying a word and Blaine paid none attention towards his father. As soon as the door was closed his father began yelling at him and Blaine yelled back, it didn't make much sense what words they threw at each other but his dad told him it was the bad influence of his so called friends. Oh, and not to forget that he was pretty much gay. Yes, Blaine understood it that his parents didn't understand him or what he was going through. All they wanted was a straight boy with good grades and no boy who began to punch people and look for fights.

 

The next day they decided to move to another city so Blaine could get out of this school, those people and find a better, nicer environment. Blaine never disagreed or showed any signs of interested. He didn't care about anything at all.

 

He breathed a laugh and thought about how he ended up here, his last school year and nothing really changed. His father still yelled at him, his mother tried to date him with girls and he still got away with robbery and still was fighting with people. Nothing really changed and no one cared. They just avoided him, tried to talk stuff out of his mind but no one really cared about him. No one asked him what was wrong, what he wanted, why he kept on looking for fights and doing all these wrong things. No one. His father even said it to him that, if Blaine ever ended up in jail because by the way his son acted it seems like he couldn't wait to go there, his father would gladly drive him there. Yeah, so much about his parents. So why should he change anything? It didn't matter at all. It was all pointless. He was gay, he was a troublesome guy and he would never ever made something out of his life. Not with all the things he had already done.

 

* * *

 

“Anderson!” he heard Karofsky yelling at him while Blaine walked through the corridors of McKinley minding his own business. He turned around, watching he tall man basically running to him and gave him a smirk, while he held his football jacket up in the air and Blaine could see the hole there, which he burned inside it some hours ago when they had football practice.

“I know you are behind this!” Karofsky hissed and grasped Blaine by his collar and pulled him up, off the floor.

“Hm, are you sure? I mean why would I go to the stinky room of you football players and ruin your jacket? I have better stuff to do.”

Blaine saw the people around him taking two steps away from them, giving them shocked looks, disgusted looks and he couldn't care about them.

“I'm pretty sure. You are the only one here who is looking for trouble.”

“Any evidence?” Blaine smirked and Karofsky only snarled something and let Blaine fall to the floor. He fell on his butt, pretty hard and then watched Karofsky go, smiling pleased. Sadly no teacher saw it then, maybe then he had told him that it was indeed him who did that. Whatever, he slowly stood up, hissed quietly because his butt hurt more than he thought and stared at the people who were still watching him. It was like something dragged them out of their stare and they pretended to be busy and, like always, ignored Blaine. Of course they did that. Of course they ignored him because they knew he was behind this, they knew he wouldn't step back if someone wanted to have some trouble with him.

Blaine smiled, took his bag and turned around and walked to his class but then a pair of blue green eyes caught his and he stopped smiling. This was the same boy who threw the tray from that girl to the ground, yelling at her and left the school canteen without a second glance. The same boy and for the first time ever he could see his face and noticed something he never thought about someone else before. This boy was beautiful. Like really beautiful and he didn't even look like someone who could be a bad person. He wore such beautiful clothes, had perfect styled hair and skin, so pure and pale that it looked like he was painted. But this wasn't as impressive as his eyes. They were blue and green and he felt like he was flying somewhere, somewhere in the cosmos. But despite all the beautiful colors of blue and green, all the little stars he saw there, Blaine saw something else. Something he knew far too good. Hurt and anger. He kept walking, passed the boy and before he turned around the corner he looked back and so did the boy and for the first time ever he didn't want to beat the crap out of somebody because he was looking right into Blaine's eyes.

 

* * *

 

This day when school was over Blaine drove straight back home and couldn't stop thinking about those beautiful eyes he had seen. They were really like the cosmos, bright blue and green but also so deep and sparkling that he wondered how it was even possible to have those eyes. But more importantly was that the boys was the first one who for sure knew what Blaine was doing and who he was but showed no sign of anger, or fear, or even disgust. Nothing but a calm look and questions, many unanswered questions. He didn't blink, he didn't look away he just kept his steady stare and let Blaine drown into those eyes. It was the first time in a while that Blaine didn't feel any anger or the need to do something stupid to be distracted from his fucked up mind. No, it was enough to just lay on his bed, remember those eyes and he was calm, so calm and literally scared him. What if this boy was just one of any other? He saw him yelling at that girl in the canteen, saw how he slapped the tray out of her hand to the ground without any hesitation. Maybe he was just one of many who waited for the perfect moment to fight with him? Blaine huffed because for some reason he really couldn't imagine that. There was something, something strange and it scared him. Since when did he let a pair of eyes confuse him so much? Since when did he let his walls fall and make himself vulnerable? He stopped doing this since he was sixteen and he had no intentions on going back to who he wants was. It wouldn't change anything his road to jail was almost finished and he only needed to do one or two bad more things.

He heard a knocking against his door and raised both of his eyebrows, staring at the white wood and, okay? This was new.

“It's me, Blaine,” his mother said and Blaine stood up, unlocking the door and letting her in while he climbed back on his bed. He looked so much like her but he had the eyes of his father.

“Can we talk?”

“Don't you think it's too late for this talk, mom? I know what you want from me.” They always tried to talk to him but instead of talking with a calm voice they were yelling at him and at some point they began to ignore each other and just live together. Each problem that happened got fixed in silence by moving to another city or paying the stuff Blaine stole. They did anything to hide who Blaine was and what he did.

“Blaine, we are just worried about you. About all the things you do and that you think you are gay maybe-”

“I don't think that I'm gay, mom. I am gay. I love sucking cocks, okay?” Oh no, he didn't care how he talked to her or what he said to her. They didn't do it either.

She winced by his words and exhaled to calm herself down: “But you never had a boyfriend. So how do you know it?”

“I know it, okay? Like you know it that you like men.”

“If you are so sure about it then maybe we should talk about it?”

Blaine scoffed and rolled his eyes: “By talking you mean yelling at each other?”

This was pointless, so pointless. His heart and mind was already broken by his parents and he had no interested in fixing things. Not at all.

“I want you to graduate, Blaine. I want you to have a better life than this.”

But Blaine wasn't in the mood to listen to her. Honestly it was more than weird that she came up with this idea after what happened between them. How they were fighting with him, with each other and slowly the three of them just grew apart and never found a way back to each other. He was fine with that, so fine he could even live without them.

“Think about it, okay? No matter what I love you and you are my son.”

And she left his room and Blaine froze. This wasn't his mother. No way in hell this was his mother. The last time she said that he was her son and that she loved him was years ago. Something was not right, he felt it deep down in his bones that something wasn't right.

 

* * *

 

Saturday night and Blaine was, like always, driving around and with no real goal. Sometimes he stopped at a bar, drank a beer and was driving somewhere else. He only did this so that when he would be back home his parents would already sleep and leave him alone. Sometimes he went to the theater, watched a movie and sometimes he just stopped somewhere, in the middle of nowhere and listened to the music on his iPod. He had no interested in parties or dancing and gave some people wrong ideas about what he wanted. He didn't want to have someone physically near but only when he was punching someone. He had no interested in being hugged, caressed or anything close to those gentle stuff. It confused him, like a lot but Blaine had to admit that since he saw those eyes of this pretty boy he sometimes really ended up thinking, what it would feel like. People said it would feel good, people said it was the best thing ever but when he thought about it and tried to imagine it he felt vulnerable and scared. His heart was so twisted, so cold and broken like his soul and he knew, if someone ever wanted to be with him like that or touch him in such a way he would hurt this person because he was so scared and confused. Yet it was so hard to forget those eyes, so hard to forget this beautiful face. It's been a week now since he saw this boy for the first time and to his own surprise he had not one single fight with anybody. No punches, no threats, nothing. That was not okay. Probably because he was so freaking calm the past week he ended up with thoughts like, how would it feel to be hugged or kissed or shit like that. What he needed now was a good fight with someone. Back in his car he drove to the place where one of the football players had a house party. Oh yes he knew that, it was almost impossible to ignore the football players at McKinley. It was almost 1 am and they were probably all drunk and for Blaine it would be just easy to go against them. They would stumble and fall, they would try to hit him but be to slow for him who was sober. He stopped his car, climbed out and walked on the small sidewalk seeing Karofsky and three other guys standing on the porch and laughing about something while inside the music was playing and he saw some people dancing through the window.

“Hey! Karofsky!” he shouted and immediately got their attention and saw how their smiles faded away. Oh, yes, he was probably still mad at Blaine for burning his jacket.

“Go home fairy!” he shouted back and Blaine smirked at him.

“You know, I burned the hole in your jacket. And I think I'll do it again.”

And like planned the three of them left the porch, walked to him and Blaine pulled his hands out of his pocket.

“I don't know if you are just sick of living or crazy. Go home, Anderson,” the other white boy said and Blaine sighed.

“Why? Because you are scared of me?”

“No one is scared of you, hobbit!” Karofsky said.

“Are you sure?” Blaine almost laughed and then shoved Karofsky away but didn't get what he hoped would happen.

“Don't make me, Anderson.”

“What, exactly? Are you scared of a small guy like me? Now you have the evidence that I'm responsible for what happened to your jacket.”

Blaine shoved him away, again and said playfully as they still stood still: “Come on, guys. You've been waiting for this.” And they did so.

 

* * *

 

It hurt so bad. So bad Blaine had no idea how much it could hurt. They really beat the crap out of him and he barley made it into his car and drove down the street until he couldn't focus anymore. With some luck he stopped his car in the middle of the street. There were only family houses around him, silence and not one single soul walking around. No one. He was completely alone.

“Fuck,” he groaned his voice coarse and mouth dry. Everything hurt, especially his belly, his lip and eye. Everything was pounding in pain and he turned the rearview mirror to take a look at himself and hissed. He looked pretty bad, really bad. His left eye was swollen and he couldn't really see much through it. His lip was cut open and bleeding and there was also blood running from his nose. This pain made him feel numb and exactly that is what he wanted. He wanted to stop thinking about all these stupid things, about the blue/green eyes and remind himself what his life was about. And he saw it when he looked at his reflection. This was him, this was his life and it would never change.

“Shit,” he blurted as he felt how his stomach gave a uncomfortable twist, his throat thick and he opened the car door, held himself up by it and puked on the street. Oh this was even worse. Not to mention how much each part of his body hurt he also had to do this. Fucking great. He coughed, puked again and when he knew he was done he slumped down, laying on the cold, wet street and the middle of the night beside him what he just puked out. He felt like shit. Not only because of the pain and bruises but because of everything. His life, his parents, his future. Maybe he would just die here in the middle of the night, in the middle of wherever the fuck he was and it would be finally over his joke of a life. Maybe his body wasn't able to take more punches, more bruises and would just give in already. But Blaine knew, he never had luck. Never.

When he was sure he wouldn't puke again and his stomach became calm he turned around on his front, wincing because it hurt to move and then he heart a voice. A beautiful voice.

“Come on,” he felt hands under his arms, someone helped him up and when he was standing and his head stopped rolling from side to side he was looking at those pretty eyes again.

“You look like-”

“Shit,” Blaine breathed and the boy made a disgusted face and wrinkled his nose.

“Your breath maybe, yes”

When Blaine was sure he could stand without falling down again he took his hands away from the boy, away from those slender shoulders, away from this beautiful body and leaned against his car.

Blaine mumbled something and tried to calm back into his car but the boy closed the door and looked Blaine right into his eyes.

“You aren't driving. Come on, I'll take care of you and then you can wash the mess away you left right in front of my house.”

His house? Blaine turned around and saw that he parked right before a house which was... his? Oh, whatever, he was really too tired to argue or do anything else and something just made him pretty calm and tired and he nodded slowly, feeling the arm from the other boy back around his body.

“Uh... thanks, um...”

“Kurt. Kurt Hummel.”

 

Blaine didn't notice when or how but somehow he ended up laying on Kurt's bed and staring at the white ceiling. His head was still spinning, his body hurting and the blood he smelled made him sick. He looked around the room, saw an open door and heard water running. This was probably a bathroom and he really needed a bathroom now to wash his face. Slowly, wincing and hissing he held himself up, moving his legs to the edge of the bed but then he saw Kurt coming back with a damp towel and a first aid box in his other hand.

“No, lay down,” he said with a serious voice that made Blaine immobile. Wow, okay, there was something in his voice that sounded so determined and almost a bit aggressive. But maybe it was just his tired mind telling him this.

“You should drive me to a hospital, seriously.”

“Yeah, of course and stay with you in those awful rooms. No way.”

Okay, this guy maybe was beautiful and maybe his voice was pure music but he had something that didn't fit with the image Blaine had about him. However, he followed Kurt's instruction laying back down on his back and watched Kurt sitting down, next to him, the damp towel on his shoulder and opening the first aid kit to place it on his nightstand. Then, without words he turned to Blaine and began to unbutton his shirt.

“Wait!” he hissed and grabbed Kurt's hands, holding them to strong: “What the hell are you doing?”

His eyebrows moved dangerously together and Kurt took Blaine's hands knowing he was too weak to fight against him: “Taking care of you.”

“As if you know how to do that. Are you Dr. House?”

“No, but it's not the first time I do this.”

Frankly, Blaine was just scared to let Kurt touch him. He actually wanted to not think about this stuff and now he was laying here and would get the real thing? No way.

“I can do this alone,” Blaine hissed and slowly moved so he was sitting and took the damp hot towel away from Kurt's shoulder and begin to clean his face although he couldn't see a thing.

“You are doing it wrong, just saying.”

“Shut up, okay? I know what I do.”

But it hurt. Each movement hurt so bad he winced no matter what he did and eventually Kurt got tired and shoved him back down on his back and Blaine almost cried out.

“Stop being an idiot and let me help you.”

Everything inside of him screamed to stop Kurt, to shove him away and then leave this place but Blaine was too weak, too tired and he knew, he fucking knew he wouldn't get very far in his state.

“Fine.”

He let Kurt do everything. He let him open his shirt, clean his open wounds, let him touch his skin and heard him hissing when all the hidden bruises were on display. He never let anyone see them and he never talked about those. If something like that happened he went to a doctor or took care of it by himself and after a while he became pretty good at it. There was no need to let people know what he was doing and no need to maybe worry someone. Like if someone would care, no. His parents saw it so many times how he came back home, a blue eye or bleeding hand and they only rolled their eyes and told him to take care of it. He never wanted people too see those things, never wanted people to know it because what would they think? That he was some twisted guy, with a cold heart, looking for trouble and not carrying what he was actually doing. No one would take pity of him or show him sympathy because he was gay, he was mean and they all said he would end up in jail anyway. Yeah, what a fucking great world he was living in.

But this here, this was completely different and he really tried everything not to like it. He tried to ignore those gentle fingers, to ignore the way they ran over his chest, over his cheek and arms, how Kurt slowly cleaned him and began to rub some ointment on Blaine's bruises and wounds. This was like being touched by someone, something that tried to take all the pain away. Or maybe it just felt like that because it was the first time someone that from outside, someone who could ignore him and walk took care of him. Just... so simple without wanting something. Someone actually noticed him and helped him and it terrified Blaine so much that he kept a close look at what Kurt was doing. This couldn't be real.

“Almost done, okay? Calm down,” Kurt said with a warning look and Blaine tried to calm down, he really tried but whenever Kurt touched him it felt so unfamiliar, almost wrong.

After a while he was done and Blaine put his shirt back on, making sure that nothing of his skin was seen. This was horrible, this was the most vulnerable moment so far for him and he didn't like it. Kurt could use this and tell the school how easy it is to beat the crap out of him because he was nothing but a gay guy, not able to defend himself. He could say so much that Blaine thought he would pass out by his racing thoughts and fast breath.

“Hey, Blaine. Calm down!” Kurt came back, quickly and placed his hands on Blaine's shoulders.

“No!” he whined, shuffled away from Kurt and slung his arms around his body: “Don't touch me. No one is allowed to touch me.”

“Yeah, well I already touched you if you haven't noticed,” Kurt snapped.

“What do you want? Is this some deal with Karofsky?”

Kurt looked at Blaine with so much surprise and almost disgust. Probably towards Karofsky?

“No. I just wanted to help you. Karofsky, please. As if he would let any gay boy live in peace.”

Gay? So... he was gay? Blaine blinked, three times and ignored the pounding in his head.

“I want nothing, okay? I only wanted to help you because I know how it feels like when you are on your own. I know why you fight and look for trouble.”

Blaine scoffed. Oh, was he some saint and knew everything?

“Yeah, of course. I've never seen you punching someone or do the things I do.”

“Look at me and tell me I could do that. I'm not exactly build for something like beating someone.”

He had a point, Blaine thought.

“Which doesn't mean that my life is any less fucked up than yours is.”

“Well, judging by your room and where you live it seems like a dream to me.”

And then Kurt made this angry expression and lowered his voice, whispering: “Don't underestimate me, Blaine Anderson. I could turn into your nightmare.”

 

* * *

 

Kurt Hummel was the biggest secret ever for Blaine. After he slept for some hours Kurt woke him up pretty early and made him clean the mess off the street and told Blaine to drive home. And he just did that because something in Kurt's voice was so determining that he really couldn't say anything against him. Not to mention that he was still far too tired to start a fight with anyone.

 

Monday morning when he entered the halls of McKinley nothing really changed. They gave him all these odd looks because his eye was still swollen and his lip still broken. Nothing new to be honest because his first day at McKinley began exactly the same way. Yet Blaine was too tired to look at anyone or talk to anyone and he even avoided Karofsky and his gang. No, his focus was on something else. Kurt Hummel because he was really curious about how he could turn out to be his nightmare. By what? Yelling at him? Blaine was already used to it that people yelled at him for many reasons. And he said himself he would never physically hurt someone. So what was the secret about him and being Blaine's nightmare? He needed to figure this out.

 

 


	7. Used

 

Chapter 7. Used

 

If you love a person, truly, with all your heart and soul it is a physical pain when this person is not by your side. Or so people say.

 

But Garret was gone for two weeks now and Kurt couldn't say this about himself. He actually enjoyed the time he could spend alone and work on his designs and work without his fiancés opinion. Not that it wasn't important to Kurt what Garret thought but in the last months of their relationship he said how much Kurt had still to learn. Two years ago maybe he had agreed on that. But not anymore. Whenever he saw the new designs by his boyfriend or any other person he knew what was missing, he knew how to make it even look better and sometimes he told Isabelle his opinion and she suggested it during their meetings. She never mentioned it was Kurt's idea like he wanted and it made her sad. But it was the right thing to do. Or so Kurt told himself.

 

It was August and it was still hot outside and usually he didn't like the hot weather but it made him happy. Really happy. He walked through a park, enjoying his cold coke and watched the people laying in the grass and enjoying the sun and their summer break. He still had some residual leave left and maybe he should use it for September when the weather wasn't that hot anymore. Maybe for the upcoming festival 'Autumn Dance'. Oh he loved autumn and he really couldn't wait to see the leaves turning into all those warm colors. Red, orange, yellow and the fresh autumn wind was just the best thing ever for him. Not to mention the new fashion for autumn. He already saw all the new scarfs, hats, coats and some of them would have a little thing he suggested to Isabelle. Some of the scarfs would have something only a Kurt Hummel could design. It wasn't much and it wasn't even worth to be mentioned but it made him happy. One day, when Garret thought he was ready and when they both were ready to work at the same league together he would have his own scarfs, coats, jeans, everything and people would talk about his designs, his clothes and love them. One day... He left the park, feeling the sweat on his back and under his arms – which he really didn't like at all – and decided he should maybe go home and enjoy the rest of his free day in his apartment and his best friend the air-conditioner. However, between all those things he could do and make himself happy there was also this one thing that he had to deal with each time he was alone with his mind. Blaine and their conversation. It's been a month the last time they saw each other and Kurt was too busy to find some time to meet Blaine. He wasn't running away from it because he needed this but somehow life was playing against him. Or maybe not.

“Sandra, if you keep tugging on my arm your baby brother will fall down,” he heard Blaine saying as the left Starbucks with a girl that looked a lot like Rachel and a baby in his arms laughing at his sister.

“But you said we'll go to the playground at my old Kindergarten!”

“We are going there, okay?”

“You said we do it now but you went to buy one of those adult drinks!”

Kurt chuckled because yes, those two kids were obviously Rachel's and Finn's kids. He saw some pictures of them but he never got the chance to meet them.

“Jeez, you are like your mommy.”

“I know! She always gets what she wants when she keeps on talking.”

Kurt saw Blaine rolling his eyes while the boy in his arms only laughed and tried to reach out for the cup Blaine held in his other hand. It was strange to be honest. He always knew that Blaine would look good with kids and would know how to treat them but seeing the real thing, although those weren't his kids was heartwarming and sad at the same time. It could have been their kids. This could have been their future. But Kurt was engaged and Blaine taken and they both wouldn't be back together. No, he really wanted to marry Garret and Blaine did anything to make his and Jason's relationship work again. He needed to stop to think about the past and all the 'what if' questions. Hopefully after their conversation he could focus on what was now and what was important and possible.

“Need some help?” Kurt asked him with a wide smile and Sandra held the hem of Blaine's shirt tighter, staring at Kurt with huge brown eyes.

“Hey, Kurt,” Blaine smiled and the small guy in his arms wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck: “Kids, no need to worry. This is your uncle Kurt.”

“Uncle Kurt?” Sandra looked at Blaine with quizzically eyes.

Kurt watched the little guy holding Blaine closer, making it hard to breath and with a chuckle he took the cup out of Blaine's hand so he could hold the baby with the cute dark blue hat to keep his little head safe from the sunlight.

“Daniel, it's okay,” Blaine gasped for air and pulled him back but the little boy kept on being shy.

“I could really use some help,” he gave Kurt a pleading look.

 

* * *

 

“Look uncle Blaine!” Sandra called as she was sitting on the swing set and swinging hire and faster.

“I see you! You are doing good!” he called back and sighed, holding the baby close which was playing with his hands and laughing happily when Blaine reacted to the small, clumsy pats of those little hands. Kurt really tried not to think how cute Blaine looked like with Daniel in his arms, playing with his little hands like he was used to it. He tried not to imagine all those 'what if's' so he thought it was the best to distract himself.

“I didn't know you were a babysitter.”

Blaine gave him a short look just to focus back on the small thing in his arms.

“Sometimes I am and I quiet enjoy it. I mean they are obviously Rachel's and Finn's kids but I enjoy the time with them and just to get away from all the adult stuff.”

“Rachel's busy?”

“Yeah,” Blaine smiled and laughed at Daniel when he was looking up to Blaine because he made all these interesting moves with his hands: “She has some interviews today and her actual babysitter got sick so she asked me. Finn's with her and like I said, I'm happy to be around the two. I mean it can be exhausting but I think it's a good practice until I have my own kids.”

Oh, yes, Kurt remembered how they were talking about that when they began to live in New York. It was nothing they had planned but they were just talking about it that maybe one day, when they both finished college and got jobs and saved some money they wanted to have children. Especially Blaine wanted to have some and Kurt knew exactly why.

“I think it's time for us to have our own kids. I mean we won't get younger.”

Kurt wanted to have kids, he really wanted to but he also wanted to stop being just an assistant. First he wanted to be the designer he dreamed about to be for so many years. Then maybe when he turns 30 and finally got there where he wanted to be it would be the perfect time for his own family. Garret was not against kids and he was already 30 years old so maybe he should really talk with him about that. Eventually they would get married.

“You and Garret already planning a family?” Blaine asked him with curious eyes and looked to Sandra as she began to laugh very loud because the jumped off the swing set.

“No. Not yet. There is still time. What about you?”

“Not gonna happen anytime soon. Jason doesn't want children. But we'll figure something out.”

But Kurt could tell by the corners of Blaine's mouth which he tried to keep up that this was one of the things he had really a problem with. And of course he had. When they moved to New York and settled down he couldn't stop talking about children. He was so enthusiastic about the future, so sure and ready to make things better and become a dad to be better than his dad. Yes, Blaine had some papa-issues but it was never something Kurt was worried about. He understood that Blaine wanted to have all these things back he couldn't have when he was a teenager.

“I hope you two will. I know how much you want to be a dad.”

Blaine gave him a warm smile, almost like he tried to say thank you because Kurt understood and he gave him the same smile back.

“Listen. Next week Jason will be gone for a week and I believe he is working for Garret?”

Kurt nodded. Yes, their boyfriends were working together. Garret designed the clothes and Jason took the photos of the models who were wearing those. They both met each other when Garret was in Italy and they became friends, before he and Kurt were dating and this was kind of unfair. Not that Kurt knew anything about their relationship but that it was okay for Garret to hang out with his old friend – or God knows what else he once was – but Kurt wasn't allowed to meet Blaine? This was unfair.

“And I think we could meet at my place and talk? Saturday? Jason is leaving on Friday.”

“Sounds good. Garret is already working in LA and Garret will be back in less than two weeks.”

“Perfect. Sandra! Come on we're going home!” Blaine called after her and she began to groan.

“But uncle Blaine!”

“You brother is tired. Come on, sweetie.”

“Fine!” she huffed and threw her hands over her head: “But I want to watch the little mermaid with you when Daniel is sleeping.” Oh yes, this was obviously Rachel's daughter.

“Deal,” Blaine smiled at her and cleaned her face with a tissue he pulled out of the small bag he had with him.

“You got this?” asked Kurt and stood up.

“Yeah, I'm fine. I'll text you later, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Sandra, say bye to uncle Kurt.”

“Bye uncle Kurt! You'll watch the little mermaid too, yeah?”

“As soon as I can.”

 

* * *

 

Blaine mentioned their songs, the songs they used to hear over the time they were together. Songs that sang to them, about them and brought them together but also apart. Kurt kept those songs through the years and sometimes when he felt lost and lonely or just missed something he couldn't really tell what it was he ended up listening to them. Each song had his own special memory, some were sad some were happy and some never happened and were just part of his fantasy. Music was always a big part in their life and music could heal wounds. Kurt knew it, he saw it and he shared together with Blaine a really deep connection to music. Not because they were in Glee club together but also in general. There were so many talented musicians singing about life, about the heart and soul and just touched you in a way only music was able too. After work when Kurt came home he really needed this. It wasn't a bad day, work was just fine but he felt really empty and missed so many things he had in the past but not any more. Being an adult sucked sometimes, really bad. He had all these responsibilities, he had all these things he had to agree on although he didn't want them and so many things that kept him stuck where he was. Like being the assistant although he knew he was talented enough to be more. Like missing his dad who would help his son to go through hard times. Like missing his friend who could hold his hand without hesitation and be there for him. Well his dad was in Ohio, Garret still was still convinced that Kurt wasn't ready to be more than an assistant and Blaine couldn't take his hand anymore. Maybe it was wrong to come back to New York and face all of this. Maybe it would have been better to stay in France but Kurt loved this city so much he couldn't imagine to live anywhere else. It was just that all this here didn't feel like home yet. After he and Blaine broke up he never felt 'home' no matter where he was. Or he just thought so because his past came back, hitting him like a fast train and making it impossible to focus only on Garret and their life. Kurt was worried about things he couldn't even name and he just wanted to be alone for a while, like really alone. Without a fiancé, without his work, just some time all alone and laying in his bed. Sighing he went to the living room and took his phone opening the music player and play list he used to hear with Blaine and without him. Maybe it would help him to organize his thoughts and make it clear for him what he should do and how he felt. He was about to get married and yes, of course it was normal to be unsure and have fears but why now? The moment Garret asked him he was sure about it. So sure or thought he was? Again a sigh and then he was laying on the ouch and listening to the song.

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8P6U_80r7Y>

 

 _I ran away in floods of shame_  
I’ll never tell how close I came  
As I crossed the Holland Road  
Well you went left and I went right  
As the moon hung proud and bright  
You would have loved it here tonight 

 

The day they broke up and Kurt left their apartment was one of the darkest moments in his life. He said something, Blaine answered and then he took his stuff and went out into the night, crying like crazy. He never told anyone about that because he felt shame, he felt alone and he didn't understand how all of this could happen. How could they break up so easily although he was more than sure they would be together forever. And even day, weeks later he still believed they would be back together. In each small moment in his life, when he was walking through a park, when he was cooking something, watching something he always thought: Blaine would have loved that too.

 

_Spin me ‘round just to pin me down on the cover of this strange bed  
Spin me ‘round just to pin me down _

 

It was strange to sleep alone. It was horrible to sleep alone and it hurt his heart so bad he was almost sure it would break and he would die because the hole was too big and hurt so much he couldn't sleep or eat sometimes but just cry. He missed him so much, so bad but Blaine never called him.

 

 _Wrap up your questions, keep them down_  
Let the water lead us home  
And I was sorry for what I’d done  
When you were young, I was not old  
But our story was not told  
But torn apart by greedy hands 

 

It took him a while to get over this, although he never got over their break up, but with his studies and the new place he was living in he found enough distraction to keep his mind busy with other stuff. Eventually he calmed down and found his sanity again and was sorry for what happened, sorry for what he did, how childish he was and thought about calling Blaine, thought about talking with him and maybe start again because this couldn't be it, right? There was more they had to do together, right? It couldn't break so easily. But it broke and Kurt soon stopped thinking about him and told himself, he needed to become more mature, to know what he wanted and where he wanted to be and then maybe, if fate or whatever thought it was the right time to bring the past back and face it, he would greet it like an old friend.

 

 _Spin me ‘round just to pin me down on the cover of this strange bed_  
Spin me ‘round just to pin me down  
Spin me ‘round just to pin me down I’ll be gone by the night’s end  
Spin me ‘round just to pin me down 

 

Somehow he found a life he could live in, a day with studies, with his fellow students, with the things he enjoyed to make it through but at night, when he wanted to sleep it was still strange and cold. Going to sleep was always horrible for Kurt, always. It felt strange to lay in a bed without someone, strange to not hear another person breathing, strange to not wake up to someone. So he only went to sleep when he was really exhausted. Kurt missed it, his home. He really missed this feeling of being home in the last years. Until he met Garret and after years of being alone in bed he slept next to someone, being held by arms. But it never felt like this- this feeling Kurt was used. It never felt like the home he once had.

 

_I’ll be home in a little while  
Lover, I’ll be home_

 

Maybe because he was never really over Blaine and never really ready to let himself fall into someones arms completely again. He loved Garret, but he loved him differently and he was sure, as soon as he was over his past, as soon as he had all his answers, that little something he was missing, he would feel _home_ again.

 

* * *

 

Every night he dreamed about something impossible. Every night he dreamed about him and Blaine being a family with a cute, lovely daughter. Kurt would wake up early and make the breakfast and then wake her up and waiting for his husband who was painting until late hours. And when he woke up he would come to the kitchen, still half asleep and kiss him good morning and their daughter would giggle because their daddies were still two idiots deeply in love. Every night he had the same dream and he began to worry about it and ended up wondering if it was the right decision to stay friends with Blaine. It were just dreams, of course but he wasn't supposed to dream stuff like that. He had no idea if he was talking in his sleep but luckily Garret wasn't there anyway so he tried not to worry about that. And maybe after their talk he would stop having those dreams, stop feeling so insecure and stop asking those 'what if' questions. Maybe this closure would make everything clear for him because he really didn't need this drama and insecurity in his life.

He loved Garret, he wanted to marry him and be happy. Garret was too good to him, too nice and cared so much about Kurt that he doubted there was someone else who would ever do that for him. And this issue with Garret not being okay with Kurt wanting to become a real designer? They would figure it out. He only needed a good idea to convince Garret that he was ready and his fiancé would smile at him, be happy with him and say; Kurt you are ready.

Saturday came pretty fast and somehow Kurt felt nervous about what was going to happen. In the past seven years he ignored everything, tried to forget, tried not to go back and he somehow did it. But at some point your past would come back and haunt you and when he met Blaine exactly this happened and he was tired of running away. He was wearing casual clothes, just a thin shirt and jeans and drove to Blaine with his car – Garret sold his moped. He parked his car, climbed out and walked to the entrance pressing the bell and walked inside as the noise came and he could open the door. Walking to the first floor he saw the door was already open but he knocked against it anyway.

“Blaine?! It's me!”

“Come in!” he heard Blaine calling from the kitchen, took his shoes off and went there.

“I just finished lunch. Sit down. Want some coffee?”

“Yes, thanks.”

Kurt sat down at the white small table and watched Blaine cleaning his plate and glass. He always did that. Whenever they were done with breakfast, lunch or supper Blaine immediately cleaned the dishes. It was just a habit and while they were living together it was a really good one. But then on the other side he was pretty chaotic when it was about his own work. As soon as Blaine was done he turned around, two mugs of coffee in his hands and sat down facing Kurt with a small smile on his face. Oh, suddenly Kurt felt the nervousness coming back because now he would get all his answers and hopefully his sleep back. Moreover he would be alone with him, alone for maybe hours and just be with the man he once loved so much. Maybe this was still a bad idea but he would never know without trying.

“So... you want to start?” eventually Blaine asked.

“Y-yeah. I had a lot of questions but I can't come up with one right now.”

His head was such a mess now that he would probably get the answers he wanted so bad without knowing it. He thought and thought but couldn't come up with one question and then he felt Blaine's warm hand on his and this feeling of his skin, his warmth hit him deep down in his soul. This hand once was the hand he loved to hold, needed to hold and always held when he felt alone, insecure. But this hand also took his own, helped him and made sure he had someone who would show him the way when he couldn't see it. And now this hand would just do the same like they never were apart, like there were no 7 years missing. Almost like nothing changed.

“It's okay. Let's just start with what we remember. How... you saw it and what I saw? Sounds good?”

Kurt nodded and took one last deep breath, exhaled and then began.

“I want to say it's not your fault, Blaine. Not entirely. We both take part in what happened. But the main reason why I left was because I was... unhappy.”

He saw Blaine's eyes going wide like he tried to tell him that he never wanted to make Kurt unhappy. Of course he never wanted to do that. Of course not. Kurt knew better than anyone that whatever Blaine was doing he did it to make Kurt happy. But back then he didn't.

“It was nothing you did or say. It was just... I was unhappy with everything. Especially with my studies. I saw you being happy with art and music. You were glowing and you knew what you wanted. And I was stuck and didn't want to ruin your happiness. And then I got angry and was frustrated about everything.”

“You... you never said anything. You should have told me about that, Kurt,” Blaine said with concern.

“I know. But we were young, everything was so new still. And somewhere I just lost myself.”

When he was young he thought he knew everything. Kurt thought he knew what he wanted, what he needed and which way to go. Back than he was wrong and probably too confused about how fast his life changed when he met Blaine for the first time. Their hands held each other strong and safe and then, when Blaine was moving on and he was just stuck because he didn't like what he was doing he began to lose himself more and more. He wanted to keep up with Blaine, be happy about what he had but his young, still rebellious mind showed him something else. Something that hurt them both.

“I... I felt it. You changed. I tried to fix things, I tried to give you your smile back but somehow I couldn't. I thought you... you were going back to who you were when we met and it made me angry because I couldn't help you,” Blaine said.

It was never ever something Blaine did. Blaine did everything right. He tried to fix things, he tried to be there but Kurt wouldn't let him.

“I think it was just us being young and stupid. Everything happened so fast, everything was new and then I became unsure about what I wanted to study because theater didn't make me happy.”

Blaine still held his hand, still squeezed it and they both looked down into their mugs.

“Sounds like it was really us being stupid and young, huh?”

“I'm sorry,” Kurt sighed.

“No, Kurt. Don't be sorry. I understand it, now that I know what was wrong and now that I'm older. Back then for me everything was perfect. I was with you, we were living together I loved my studies and then, it just changed. I tried to figure it out, to help you, to make us happy again but I had no idea how to do that. And I got angry, I was frustrated and I thought you couldn't stand me anymore. I thought you wouldn't love me anymore.”

Kurt gave him a small smile: “I was the same, you know? I thought you would see it anyway. I thought you would see it and just come to me and tell me things will be fine. But this was stupid. You can't read my mind.”

His idea what love was changed a lot. Years ago he thought love would tell everything, that Blaine would just know and feel it. For Kurt love was a magical thing, a fairy tale making all those impossible things possible. And he loved Blaine, he loved him so much and Blaine gave him just as much love back that he was sure it was enough. But it wasn't. Not communicating was the end for each relationship. He understood it now.

“But I'm sorry for all the things I said to you. Calling you all those bad things.”

“I'm sorry too about that. But you are right. Thinking about it I see just how much I was acting the way when we met. Maybe we were moving on too fast?”

Blaine held his hand, giving it another squeeze and smiled knowingly: “No. I don't think we were. I think it was the best we could do and what we needed. But I guess we weren't ready to be together like that. I mean we both were twenty, Kurt. Twenty and just began our new life after a long, long time when we thought we would never have a life. We knew nothing. Nothing about ourselves, nothing about life.”

Kurt smiled and squeezed Blaine's hand. Now, thinking about it he saw how right Blaine was and that he was thinking the same. He was young, he had all these dreams and ideas what his life would look like after all the bad stuff stopped. Blaine was with him, they were in love and because their love saved them he thought it would fix everything. Each fight, each problem, everything. He thought that love was all they needed and it would give them both the answers they were looking for. He still believed in that but seven years ago? No, he was too young, Blaine was too young and they both just were super happy but it was also too much to handle at once.

“It's not your fault, Kurt. It's also not my fault. We just... we found each other at the right time, we became friends at the right time and we... we gave each other what we needed to be... okay again, I guess. But it probably wasn't enough. But I'm really, really sorry that I gave up so quickly. I really missed my friend... a lot.”

“Me too,” Kurt said with a rough voice and felt a stinging in his eyes and Blaine noticed it. No matter how long they haven't seen each other, no matter what happened, he still could read him like an open book. 

“Come here,” his voice was calm, almost a whisper and he stood up, opening his arms and Kurt stood up too, wrapping his arms around Blaine's neck like he used to and let himself just fall into that embrace without any hesitation. Those warm hands rubbed his back in a way only Blaine could do it. He held Kurt in a way only Blaine could do it and it was such a healing feeling, such a safe place Kurt forgot how much he missed this. This body was so warm, so compact, his neck was the perfect place for Kurt and Blaine always fit so perfectly against his neck. It was like they were to pieces which belonged together. 

“You changed me, Kurt. And I... I changed you and we went through this together,” Blaine whispered and held Kurt stronger, closer and Kurt did the same: “We were friends, then we fell in love and we shared all the firsts. And I will never forget this and never forget you and I will never stop to be your friend.”

He swore he could feel Blaine's lips on his shoulder, or probably he wished it.

“I want that too. I want my friend back. We became better people, Blaine. Because of our friendship, because of our love. Without that we both wouldn't be here.”

Blaine chuckled and pulled back and Kurt almost protested because he didn't want to let go yet. But this smile, this warm smile, so lovely so honest and his honey eyes glistening like he collected all the warm lights with one look, he truly missed this view. 

“This is all we need. All we need to keep in mind and we won't lose each other again.”

Kurt nodded, sobbed and couldn't stop his tears anymore. Knowing why they broke up hurt even more than the fact that they broke up. It was a stupid thing, a young stupid thing and also a habit Kurt never could shake off back then. Keeping things for himself. Blaine always begged him to be honest, to tell him what's on his mind and Kurt soon found the trust he needed, soon told Blaine anything but then he couldn't and it was just because of that. Because he didn't talk with Blaine and expected him to know what was wrong. Because he didn't tell him how unhappy he was with his life choices that leaded to the break up. If he had told him what was going on, if he only talked to Blaine, sat down with him and talked with him they would have figured something out, they always found a way out of something together and made each other happy. Their love made it possible and Kurt never ever loved someone the way he used to love Blaine. He never loved someone so honest, so strong, without complexity, without any second thoughts. Just straightforward because there was no other way he could feel for him. Seven years ago, but now? He wished to get these answers after their talk because, since he met Blaine his mind was a mess. There were too many thoughts about him, too many things that confused him and made him question all those things he just accepted. 

“Don't cry, Kurt. If you cry... I'll cry,” and he saw how Blaine's eyes were filled with tears and slowly they fell down, down his rosy cheeks and they both began to giggle. 

“We can't cry at the same time, Blaine. You have to comfort me when I cry and I have to do the same for you.”

Blaine sniffed, wiped his eyes dry and nodded but couldn't stop crying and both hugged each other again. Just holding each other, crying silently and were happy to have their friend back. But sad about the reason why they broke up. A reason that had nothing to do with they way they felt for each other or how much they wanted the other. It was a stupid, stubborn, young move they both made and everything that was left was regret. 

 

* * *

 

Kurt was thinking about all of this for days and he was glad that he could do that while Garret wasn't around. He really didn't need his fiancé around him who could read his face and ask what was going on. Kurt didn't want to tell him what was on his mind. He couldn't tell him what was on his mind. All the regret, all the memories from the past, all the things he tried to hide deep down, tried to forget because if Garret knew just one bit of his thoughts he wouldn't be okay with his friendship to Blaine. He would understand wrong, he would tell Kurt to stay away if it made him unhappy or unsure because Garret didn't want to see him like this. He wanted him happy and obviously thinking about why he and Blaine weren't together anymore didn't make him happy. Probably he only needed a bit more time to accept all of this, to understand his feelings and see that it was just something he missed because he lost it too soon. He loved Garret, marrying him meant he would have a good life and find happiness, maybe he would never feel the way for Garret like he felt for Blaine but that was okay. Garret was not Blaine, they didn't go through the same stuff he went through with Blaine. They were different and because this love was different didn't mean it wasn't as good as his last love. It was just different. It was the first day of September, Monday evening and Kurt went to sleep pretty early. He dreamed about those times when he was young and began to fall in love with Blaine, began to let him heal his wounds, his heart and how lovely their first kiss was. It was just that this kiss felt so real he almost stopped breathing and when he opened his eyes he found himself in his adult bedroom and Garret being above him, kissing Kurt too strong. 

“Garret, what-” he mumbled but Garret grabbed his waist and turned Kurt on his stomach, pressing his body down on Kurt's back and he could feel the hard cock of his fiancé against his ass. 

“Missed you,” he slurred and Kurt couldn't tell if he was drunk or if he was sleepy. Confused he looked over his shoulder, watching the naked body of his partner how he moved his hips down and began to rut against Kurt. 

“Garret... something wrong?” Kurt asked and then he felt how he pulled his pajama pants down, opened the bottle of lube and coated his hard cock with it. 

“Missed you, Kurt. Missed doing this,” he breathed and then Kurt felt Garret's erection slip between his cheeks and just sliding back and forward. He couldn't help himself but moan quietly while his fiancè's breath turned faster and faster, almost like he was afraid to not get enough air and his hips moved faster and then he felt the hot cum right above his ass. And then... then he just rolled off Kurt and fell asleep. Kurt blinked, trying to understand what just happened and turned around, watching his sleeping naked partner and... he didn't understand anything. 

“Garret?” he tried to shake him awake but he only got a annoyed noise as reply: “What the hell?” This never happened before and Garret never was knocked out like this. Never. And he didn't like this feeling. Feeling like he was just... used? No, there was an explanation. For sure there was one. He wasn't drunk, he didn't smell like a bar so maybe... maybe he knew something? 

 


	8. Ignorance

 

Chapter 8. Ignorance

 

**10 years ago – McKinley High School – Ohio**

 

“Can I have your notes Kurt?” Sam asked him before their English lesson.

“No. It's not my problem when you forget your homework.”

 

“Kurt, you are better in French than I am and I wanted to-” Tina asked but Kurt cut her off.

“Then you should spent more time with studying French. It's none of my business.”

 

It was annoying and exhausting and Kurt really didn't understand why they kept on trying. He didn't want to help them nor was he interested in helping someone from those so called friends. Weren't friends supposed to be there when you needed them? Weren't they supposed to be there when your life turned into a mess? This was the idea Kurt had about friendship but it never happened.

“I'm home,” Kurt said loudly as he arrived home and walked through the corridor to the kitchen, finding his dad sitting there and rubbing his bald head. Kurt raised one eyebrow, eying his dad and as he came closer he saw a letter, a familiar letter.

“Kurt, what is this?” he asked as he turned around and handed him the letter. It was the second letter during his second week at school after summer break. Again a letter about his bad behavior.

“It's nothing. They just overreact.”

“You already have three weeks of detention, Kurt.”

“It's not my fault when they are all too stupid to do their homework and come to me for help. It's none of my business, dad.”

He knew this look, this look of too many questions and hurt and he didn't like it. His father shouldn't look at him like this.

“I'm sorry, okay? But it's not my fault.”

“Kurt... are you having any troubles at school? Can I help you?”

Kurt sighed and shook his head. There was nothing his father could do. No one could change society within a day.

“No, dad. Things are fine.”

But nothing was fine. Kurt got into more fights, more trouble and he knew, if he wouldn't change his behavior he would not graduate this year. Because he was constantly fighting with anyone. With his fellow students, with his teachers and he skipped classes, at least three times a week. Of course he knew it was wrong, of course he knew he was screwing up his future. But what future did he have though? Even the guys in Glee club wanted to help him and he ended up calling them stupid, names and avoiding the Glee club as often as he could. He didn't need their help anymore. He didn't need anyone. Their help was nothing but hypocritical.

 

School was one thing but being outside was another thing. Once he broke the window of shop because he was so angry about two guys making fun about him. They called his dad and he paid for the damage. And it wasn't just the times when he lost control over his own anger. Sometimes he obviously did bad things. Someone was wearing an ugly dress? He called the person out. Someone was listening to bad music – or what he thought was bad music – he called them out. Kurt took each opportunity to fight with someone through words and made himself pretty unpopular. For his dad it was all a huge mystery. At home Kurt never behaved like people described him. Around his dad he was more calm. The reason was clear for Kurt. He didn't respect and cared about anyone but his dad. And why? He knew why but sometimes he wondered if he actually knew why. There were two things that affected his life pretty much and all the other things, which he labeled as bad experiences were pretty small.

 

But here is the things with making experience and dealing with the hard stuff life throws at us. It's not possible to label something as a 'big' or 'small' bad thing because each person labels bad stuff differently. Some people go through really bad things that are life changing. Things that usually shouldn't happen because they destroy a person so much it's hard to find a way into a normal life again or some solid ground to walk on. So when those people get a bad mark at school it's not that big deal for them but for other people it might be the end of the world. It's unfair to play other people's problems down because someone else went through 'bigger' stuff. And for Kurt those two huge bad happenings in his life and the many small one were enough to change him. At least who he was outside his home.

 

Kurt was never someone who shared his worries or his soul, his thoughts, his heart. He understood pretty soon how fragile people are and how easy other people can break you without even knowing it. So he swallowed everything, put it somewhere hidden in his head but never ever found a way to actually deal with all the things that made him feel like there were to many black holes along his way through life. Don't think Kurt didn't try to reach out for help. He did and not just one time. When his mother died he was only 8 years old and for a kid it was just like that. His mother was gone and it was only him and his dad. Of course he thought she would come back because people just didn't disappear like that. But he understood very soon that she would never come back. Which doesn't mean he had a sad or bad childhood. With an amazing father like Burt Hummel? No way. His dad did everything to be mom and dad for Kurt and it didn't matter if he had no idea about the stuff only women do or not. Loving his son for who he was and being there for him was all Kurt needed. Yes, his dad was his hero and his personal sanctuary for a very long time. Until he went to high school. His freshman year was just a foggy memory but his sophomore year was almost to real. It was the year he came out as gay and his 'friends' knew it but they simply ignored the bullies. They didn't do anything when Karofsky was turned his life into a living hell at school. They ignored it when people called him names when they went out. They told him things would be fine one day it needs time. Time? Kurt was sick of that word. When he came out no one gave him notes, no one helped him, no one noticed the bullies. And even if they did they were pretty good at not showing that they cared. They were probably to afraid to get into trouble too. It was always easier to close your eyes and pretend nothing happened. But for Kurt it was the worst thing they could do to him. Then when his father had a heart attack it was almost the same although they showed him sympathy, although they actually did something like singing, sending cards and flowers. It didn't change the past. The past that was far too real for him. Even after his dad was okay again he thought maybe this time things would turn out to something better. He was willing to give the people around him another chance like life was kind to him by not taking his dad from him. He told them about the crushes he had on some guys. Guys who were straight and he had to hear his friends saying this to him every time it happened. _Kurt, he is straight don't embarrass yourself and him. Kurt, you should look for a guy who is gay too._ They told him shit like that like he had any control over how he felt for someone. Once again he had to understand how fragile people were, how fragile he actually was. And being rejected by all the guys – some where nice some not – wasn't helping. And what the fuck was embarrassing when you liked someone although you are gay and he is not? It should be flattering, right? But not in Ohio, not in Lima, not at McKinley. He stopped opening himself to other people, he stopped helping them, he stopped standing in the shadows of all these oh so wise people who were nothing but ignorant idiots and they called themselves Kurt's friends.

 

All of this happened during his junior year and at the end of it Kurt was no longer the one who would just stand there and swallow all the bad stuff, all the ignorance people threw at him. He began to fight, with words because he wasn't exactly build to physically fight someone and he really didn't want that. After all Kurt loved his clothes, fashion in general and never wanted his dad to see him with a black eye or bruises. At the end of his junior year Kurt Hummel was known as a mean maybe even heartless person who only cared about himself. Well at least by the people who didn't know him while his friends wondered what happened but he never told them that. He ignored them or ended up fighting with them.

 

Kurt was anything but heartless or mean. Kurt was frustrated, lonely and wondered how someone like he could go through his last year of school after getting detention, after being called to the principal more than one time within a month. The only good thing Kurt had were his grades which were all excellent. This was his joker, the card he used to play when people began to ask him what was wrong, why he acted the way he did and why he couldn't be nice, why he changed. His answer was always; it's none of your business! Now get out of my face. And when they didn't? Well Kurt never hesitated to call someone out. Life was a bitch and Kurt wanted to be an even better bitch. Enough of the pushing, the judging, the treating him like shit. But Kurt also knew, beside the good grades he had, despite how smart he was, his behavior was wrong and dangerous and if he wasn't careful he could end up in jail or get suspended and never graduate. And Kurt? He didn't care. What could a gay boy expect from the future? What could he expect from life? It constantly threw stones at him, rocks that hurt so bad he could just embrace his misery which his future would be anyway.

 

Senor year and Kurt simply forgot why he was fighting, why he cared so less about anything outside his home. All he felt was anger, frustration and desperation. Happy future? Things get better? In a world, a town, a school where everyone is ignoring you? For Kurt such things were unreal and just part of some stupid fairytale. This was his life and it was easier to just go the way he chose months ago.

 

Until a new kid transferred to his school. A boy with dark gelled sometimes curly hair. A boy who introduced himself while he and a football player were fighting in the hallways of McKinley. A boy who skipped classes the first day of school after summer break. Some people would call him a badboy some a troublesome guy and it all fit perfectly because people were avoiding him. Something Kurt wished people would do to him but they still tried to talk to him, reach out to him because he used to be so nice and helping. Yeah, but not anymore.

 

Of course he wondered who this guys was and he figured it out during his math class. His name was Blaine Anderson and during classes was the only time when he – for his standards – was quiet but still a badboy. Not listening to the teacher's explanation, being busy with his phone or something else and when the teacher said his name to get Blaine's attention he only looked up, smirked and remained quiet. Kurt never made direct eye contact with him during the first two weeks. He never talked to him. He was just observing, watching and figuring out who this guys was and why he did what he was doing so that when his friends tried – again – to reach out for their old friend he snapped and was even more furious and louder before summer break.

 

Don't get it wrong. Kurt didn't feel anything special for Blaine or some kind of attraction. He was just curious and felt a strange connection which also scared him. He soon found out that Blaine was gay – well everyone knew it because he never made a secret of it. When Blaine Anderson introduced himself he said his full name, how old he was and that he was gay. Proud and out and only added fuel to the homophobic school Kurt was living in.

 

It was his third week and Blaine Anderson was pretty 'popular' because there was no day which passed by without him being involved into an loud and often physical argument. It was also the time when they made eye contact and it was part of Kurt's plan to get to know him better. He needed to know if Blaine would fight with him, would call him names or do anything from the stuff he usually did when people looked at him. But he didn't. When their eyes met Kurt found something he didn't expect but it was the most familiar look for him. Beside that Blaine's eyes were beautiful, huge, golden and his eyelashes ridiculously long, there was also a shadow in them. A dark shadow with so much anger, with so much frustration that Kurt almost thought he was looking into a mirror. It was like seeing his own sad, exhausted but oh so angry look but not blue/green eyes were looking back. They were golden, hazel but without any shine. More like an old picture which lost its color. Like his.

 

* * *

 

After being rejected from all the straight guys or gay guys Kurt never ever wanted to feel any kind of attraction for someone. It was just that the heart and emotions never worked together with someones mind. Never. It just happened and no one could do anything against it. However, he couldn't say that he felt attracted to Blaine but plain curiosity. It must had something to do with the fact that Kurt never met someone who had the same expression in his eyes like he did. This boy was going through bad stuff, something that made him just as frustrated and blind as Kurt was and maybe, in some silly way his mind tried to lead him, they could be friends. They could understand each other and be there for each other. For some crazy reason Kurt thought that and laughed to himself while he was laying on his bed and staring at the ceiling. What was wrong with him? Why did he keep his hopes up to find someone beside his father he could trust? It wasn't like he had a glorious future anyway. No. If Kurt kept acting the way he used to he wouldn't graduate anyway. But seeing the hurt in his dad's eyes, seeing how he blamed himself for this hurt Kurt more than he was willing to admit. From all the people he never wanted to hurt his father but he was so angry, so exhausted from life itself – he was only seventeen! - it was easier to just keep it that way outside his house.

 

The thing was – and Kurt knew it probably too well for his own good – that even if you think you know how your life will end up it can change. Fast. It was the night he heard a car stop at his house and usually it was always quiet in the middle of the night. Which is why he often went out to take a walk just to clear – or at least he tried to – his mind. He stood still, his hands buried in the pockets of his jacket and watched the door being opened and a curly haired Blaine leaned out of the driver seat. He puked on the street, groaning and as Kurt got the control over his legs back he walked to him and saw a pretty beaten up Blaine Anderson. He hissed and felt how a sudden sympathy ran over his soul.

 

It was the night Kurt got to know Blaine Anderson. Probably better than Blaine thought. He took care of his bruises, of him and he wasn't surprised how Blaine winced when he reached out for him, how he tried to keep himself far away from being touched, from being hurt and Kurt got easily annoyed. Beside always calling people out and being mean to them he also literally forced people to do what he wanted and also to agree with him. Because he was doing the right thing and saying the thing to his own accord. Kurt being wrong? Never. Not in his world. And somehow Blaine gave in and let Kurt help him. He didn't know who Kurt was or that he was gay which kind of surprised Kurt but at the same time it didn't. Of course Blaine didn't care about him or who he was. He was too busy with destroying his own life like Kurt.

 

On Monday Kurt still wondered how he was able to do what he did. Helping. Actually helping someone and even care somehow about someone who was not his dad. It was stupid to do so because Blaine meant even more trouble for him and at the same time maybe he was the last thing Kurt needed to screw up completely. There was only one question for him, was he ready for this or not? No matter how convinced he was or how much he told himself that he knew his future was anything but good he still had this small glimpse of hope in his eyes. Hope? Kurt really tried to get rid of this 'hope' but he was only a human being and was too tired to blame himself for being a human with emotions and all those unnecessary things a human could feel. He needed no hope or love and he for sure didn't need Blaine Anderson. He helped him and that was all. Why was he even thinking about starting something like friendship with Blaine? Kurt didn't need that and screw his curiosity, screw his mess of a mind. Blaine made it clear that he didn't know Kurt, didn't care and Kurt should just do the same. Because like he told Blaine, he could turn out to become his nightmare – oh he knew what people were saying behind his back and how his friends sometimes defended him – and maybe Blaine was the lucky one from the both of them who would find this so called luck, this way out of his own misery. Maybe he was the one and he fore sure had a better chance to find a happy future without Kurt. Oh, now someone should listen to his thoughts and call him selfish because he was sacrificing his curiosity and his potential as-bad-as-he-was-friend for Blaine's own sake. Oh and his dad wouldn't approve Blaine too because he obviously looked like a troublesome guy with his clothes and the way he used to talk. So maybe it was for the better. At least Kurt wanted to keep it that way. But not Blaine Anderson.

“Hey,” Blaine said as he leaned against the locker next to Kurt's and looked at him.

Kurt raised an eyebrow while he closed his English book: “Are you talking to me?”

“Hey Blaine, how are you? Oh, my body still fucking hurts but I'm okay, thank you. How are you Kurt,” Blaine rolled his eyes and said dramatically.

“What do you want Anderson?” Kurt huffed and closed his locker, leaning against it and staring at Blaine's still broken lip and then up to his black eye.

“Is it so wrong to say hi and ask how you are doing?”

“You aren't exactly that type of a guy, you know.”

Oh, now, Blaine looked almost amused: “I'm not? Then, what kind of a guy am I?”

Kurt narrowed his eyes, watching him carefully and said: “Troublesome, that's what you are.”

Blaine chuckles and shrugged: “Well, I'm not the only troublesome guy here, right?”

“Okay, what do you want Anderson. Don't ignore my question again.”

He didn't like it when someone was playing with him that way. If Blaine wanted a fight like physically he was with the wrong guy. If he wanted to argue Kurt would give him this pleasure and it was like Blaine saw how Kurt thought this was turning into a challenge and held his hands up like he was trying to say: calm down, dude.

“Let's say you made me curious. Not that I want to jump into your pants or anything but you being my nightmare? Sounds like a ticket out of this place to me.”

He raised his eyebrows, still watching Blaine carefully and although this sounded stupid and crazy it only somehow confirmed Kurt what he already knew. Blaine wasn't very different than he was. As far as he knew Blaine that is because he actually didn't know him. While searching for the words to say a guy passed them by, mumbling something that sounded like: oh no, they are friends? Ew. And Kurt just snapped although he wasn't sure what the guys said: “Care about your fucking business you jerk!” And it was like Kurt said a magic spell the people around them turned away and pretended to be busy with something else.

His eyes back on Blaine he saw him beaming at Kurt. Okay, yeah, this guy really didn't care about anything, just like Kurt. He knew this face, knew this spark in Blaine's eyes. It wasn't warm, it wasn't positive. It was a spark of desperation and being tired of this life and finding someone who just thought the same way Kurt did.

“So what you are saying is that you want me to help you to get out of this school?”

“Well, it's not like I'll graduate anyway and as far as I see it you are just the same.”

Kurt scoffed and rolled his eyes: “I do not walk around and punch people.”

“True. Yet, you don't care about anything at all. Just like I do.”

Okay, this was true.

“And since we are both gay we could hang out together and help each other?”

“Are you asking me to be your fuck buddy?”

Blaine opened his mouth, closed it again and oh, was that embarrassment? Was he flushing? Was he a virgin? Not that Kurt wasn't a virgin anymore but okay, this expression, his flushed cheeks and how he tried to hide how uncomfortable he was was almost too adorable.

“Of course not. But since we live in a pretty homophobic state and school it would be easier for both of us? I mean our lives are fucked up anyway, right?”

Honestly? Kurt wasn't sure about that. Of course he wasn't positive about his future and he really had no intention on changing his behavior because fucking-homphobic-Ohio wouldn't show any mercy at him. Not to mention McKinley itself. But still, being with Blaine meant more trouble, like real trouble as far as he knew and meant that his dad would get hurt, even more. But on the other side, having someone who was also gay and knew how hard it was? Someone who had the same angry and tired eyes and probably understood how Kurt felt? Maybe a... friend? Oh God, if someone would hear his thoughts and how he could imagine to be friends with Blaine because it would fit perfectly because they both didn't care about anything at all, they would call Kurt crazy.

“Look. We think we know each other, but we actually don't. And before I decide to whether I help you or not I would like to know you.”

“Are asking me to become your friend, Kurt Hummel?” Blaine smirked and it wasn't the happy smirk, it was one that screamed for a challenge.

“Do you do 'friends'?”

“Haven't tried it yet.”

Okay, so maybe Kurt would give this whole friendship thing a chance again. But he had his doubts. He really doubted it would work out that way.

 


	9. Reminder

 

Chapter 9. Reminder

 

It's not always easy to understand a person or to understand how a person feels. This has nothing to do with you not being smart enough or not trying to do so at all. It's just that we are all different, our lives are different, our minds are different. But sometimes we come pretty close to how the person could feel or think and sometimes it's the same. Or at least we feel a special connection to this person because it might not be the same but it still is the same just different. Those people are often people who went through the same stuff you went or still go. Those people are like a rescue rope and you want to hold it just to not feel so lost and alone anymore. Because that's how some people feel when they are fighting with their troubles. Alone, misunderstood and lost, scared to tell how they feel, why they are scared because others might not understand it or hurt you even more without knowing it.

 

**10 years ago – McKinley High School – Ohio**

 

Kurt and Blaine actually felt that way and being young and not knowing who they were or what they wanted made everything look even worse. Two young gay man, living in a state where gay people aren't welcome, living in a school where they got their daily reminder how wrong it was to be gay and what a shame it was. For them this world was black and white. Either someone liked you or not. Either someone supported you or not. It was such a simple way of thinking and oh so wrong because both didn't understand that the world wasn't like that. But for them it was. Blaine's parents didn't like him, well, the way he acted that was and he was very well known to be a bad boy, a guy who always had to fight with his fists. A guy who didn't give one single fuck about what other people thought about his behavior. No one would support the gay kid, no one would help him and if he was weak they would use this and hurt him again and again.

Kurt's family maybe supportive and he really loved his dad and would never say or do the things to him he used to do and say at school. But it didn't change the past or present. As soon as he came out his supposed friends left him alone, let the bullies ran over Kurt, let the people call him names, they let all those bad things happen and were too scared to stand up for him but still wanted this whole friendship thing from him. Also the bad luck Kurt had when it was about to have a crush on someone. Finn, Sam and all those other guys who were straight and always kindly reminded him that he was gay and they were not.

These reminders, their friends, their family, the people all around them and even themselves when they looked into the mirror made everything look so bad, so pointless and they both ended up being angry and pushing all the people away from them. Everyone just for the sake to not get hurt again. Just for the sake to escape their daily reminder how big of a failure they were. And this with rude words or punches.

 

* * *

 

They both didn't really understand why they agreed on being, well, friends or something like that. Being friends with Kurt or Blaine meant nothing but trouble and they would get suspended from school faster than they could blink. At least if they kept up with their usual behavior which was looking for trouble like a cat waiting for the right moment to attack. The first time Kurt and Blaine actually talked was in the middle of September, when Kurt took Blaine into his house and took care of his bruises. The following Monday they talked at school together and agreed on getting to know each other. This sounded so easy but it wasn't. Both were not sure how to start this thing and mainly ignored each other while they acted the way they used to. Blaine having his three fights each week and Kurt snapping at all the people who got on his nerves each damn day. There were some visits at the principal office, more detention and even outside of McKinley they kept their usual behavior. But one thing was different. They both kept an eye on the other, watching the fights, the loud arguments they had with others and for some reason, when Blaine or Kurt were loud, fighting or whatever, the other one remained calm and waited for something. What it was both couldn't tell but it felt like they were waiting for something. Something that told them to do something. But neither of them would get between Blaine's or Kurt's fights because for them this was the thing they needed, had to do to show the world they didn't let people push them around. They didn't need anyone.

 

Their actual plan was to help each other get out of this school and finally make people stop caring about them. Because if someone tried to convince you to stop what you were doing, or told you it's not good they cared. And many people cared but they didn't it when both needed them.

 

But this plan changed. It was just that both had no idea it was happening or that it was going to happen.

 

It was the end of October, Friday and Kurt just got out of his detention not being in the best mood. It was late, it was cold and he still had his way home ahead. This detention was stupid because most of the time he was just sitting there, done with the tasks he had to do – please he wasn't stupid – and waiting for the hour to pass by and not watching his teacher who looked up from time to time and Kurt wasn't sure if he was a homophobic asshole too or not. Honestly, he considered everyone as homophobic until he knew if it was true or not. He left the empty halls, went to the parking lot and found Blaine there, standing next to his car which surprised Kurt. He cocked his head raised his eyebrows and watched Blaine and saw the little scratch on his cheek.

“What are you doing here?” asked Kurt because school was already over two hours ago.

“Starting our friendship,” Blaine smirks and Kurt watches him, closely. Of course his view on Blaine has changed in the past weeks. First he was just the bad boy, the one who felt probably the same things Kurt felt when it was about homophobic idiots and people in general. But their reason why they ended up acting the way they did is different. Still something he needs to figure out though and so did Blaine.

Kurt considered Blaine's words this whole thing about starting their friendship and leaned against his car, eying Blaine from head to toe, how this outfit, leather jacket, white shirt and dark pants were just nothing but a shell hiding what was happening inside him. At least this was the way Kurt saw him.

“And what do you have in mind?”

“Well I thought we could visit this music shop together. I need some new music to turn on so I won't hear my parents.”

Music? So Blaine liked music, huh? Kurt loved music that's why he joined the Glee club and also he loved performing and acting. He would rather enjoy it more without all these annoying people in Glee club. The people who used to be their friends but now he got easily annoyed just hearing their voices or seeing their faces.

“So you like music?”

“It's the best way to make everything else quiet. I used to play guitar and piano but not anymore. Not good for the bad boy business.”

Kurt almost chuckled but despite the small smile he could hold it back.

“And what kind of music?”

Blaine looked up like he was trying to see his thoughts above his head: “Everything acoustic I guess and loud. Really loud.”

Well, Kurt preferred musicals but he wouldn't share this. It was, how people said it? Too gay? And although Blaine was gay he didn't need to give him this information and fulfill the cliche.

“Well, then let's go,” Kurt said before Blaine could ask him and opened the door to his car: “Um, you have your own car or?”

“Ah, no. I usually walk to school although it takes an hour. My dad took it from me to prevent potential damage or shit like that.”

 

* * *

 

During the weeks he and Kurt didn't talk Blaine found more out about this Kurt Hummel and why he could be his nightmare. It wasn't only because Kurt was bitching and fighting with words. No, Kurt also had this strange need to make people do what he wants them to do. Whatever he wanted people needed to do so and if they weren't doing it he snapped at them and sometimes he throw their stuff to the ground. But he never ever harmed someone physically. Never. Even if he said he wasn't physically strong enough to do so Blaine knew there was something else. Blaine was a bit shorter than Kurt, maybe more muscular but he still was equal with Kurt and even he was able to knock people off. So there was only one reason why Kurt didn't punch people although he swore he had seen this need from time to time in his eyes. Kurt wanted to ruin them mental or at least hurt them on a mental level. Which wasn't any better then hurting someone physically. For Blaine that is. He also knew that Kurt was in Glee club, okay, used to be in Glee club but he never attended it during their weeks of just observing the other. Each week he saw Kurt who was stopped my William Schuester and overheard pieces like, y _ou should come back you are so talented_ , or, _we can help you_. Kurt didn't want any help to find the _right path_. For him, the path he was walking was right.

But Blaine wouldn't tell Kurt the things he knew because it made him look like some creepy stalker and, honestly, he only knew this stuff because he was listening. Listening to a lot of things that were said in the hallways of McKinley.

Kurt parked the car at a small parking lot and they both walked to the music shop which Blaine enjoyed visiting from time to time. It was the only place where he never came up with the idea to steal a CD or anything although the owner knew what he was capable of. Of course they knew because he got caught that one time and quickly people kept a close look at him. Inside he eyes the shelves filled with CD's, the posters of all those famous old bands and he loved the smell of wood and something only a music shop had. He went to the shelf with the newest CD's and Kurt walked past him to a different row of labels.

He flipped through the CD's checking the names and grimaced when some names were really weird or when their song titles were weird. He truly missed those bands from so many years ago. Bands like Queen, The Beatles, all those bands that still knew how to use an instrument and let this instrument live. But of course he would never ever say this out loud or hear this so other people could hear it. When he was at home the only loud thing he was hearing were some metal bands or anything like that just to not hear his parents. Even when he used to have a car he listened to this kind of music for the world to hear and fulfill the image of the bad boy. While his headphones played something different and then he found a CD and willing to give this band a chance. Petty unknown he thought because he hasn't heard about them. But something was there inside their band name and their songs and he decided to buy the CD just to give it a try. He paid for the CD and the small smile on the man's face made him somehow insecure. This wasn't a polite smile or a forced one. It was almost a thankful smile? Whatever it was Blaine looked away taking the CD and looking for Kurt who he found between the musicals.

“So you like this kind of stuff?”

Kurt almost jumped but then he gave him his best bitch glare and placed the CD back where it belonged to.

“Even if, it's none of your business, right?”

“Woah, calm down. I won't judge you.”

No, because it was Blaine's guilty pleasure and no one knew about it otherwise he would make sure if anyone knew about this to keep them silent.

After they left the shop Kurt walked back to his car while Blaine stopped by at a grocery to get something he wouldn't pay for. It's not like Blaine does this because it gives him a kick or something. He does this and literally hopes someone will caught him and call the police or anything. He does this without even trying to hide what he was doing but they never caught him. Maybe it was because they really didn't see it or didn't care at all. Either way he took two beers and went to the checkout and placed a package of gums there, paid for it and went out. Oh well, today wasn't his lucky day. Back in the car he sat down next to Kurt and pulled the two cans of beer out of the inside pockets in his jacket.

“How!? You are only what? Sixteen?”

“Almost seventeen,” he smirked at Kurt's shocked expression who was staring at the beer with such big eyes like they were dangerous: “Don't think I pay for this stuff. It should be for free if you ask me.”

“You... you stole it?”

Blaine only shrugged and Kurt made an angry noise like he was ready to jump on Blaine and shake him awake.

“You know you can get into jail for that? If they caught you? Do you want to go there? Or let me explain it this way, do you think it won't affect me when they catch you doing this?”

“What?” he said amused: “Do you actually care that it could ruin everything? I thought you didn't”

“I don't but I'm not planning on going into jail. I have my own way of dealing with things but not like this.”

Okay, seeing Kurt so upset about this was... not a good feeling. Blaine didn't need to understand why he felt so bad suddenly but he did.

“Just... if you want to do such things do it without me around you, okay?”

“Calm down, I get it.”

 

* * *

 

Kurt never told people how to live their life. He never told them to do anything for them. What he did was making people do what he wanted and for the rest of the day he ignored them. Anyone but his dad of course and somehow even Blaine. Which was super confusing. It was true, if they caught him stealing something and he would be next to him Kurt was immediately involved and this also meant they would call his dad. But it wasn't just that that made Kurt feel so... so strange. He heard enough stories about the life behind bars. What they did to young people and who knew what they would do to a young gay boy. Of course he had no first hand experience or someone he knew who was there but he was pretty sure this place was worse than McKinley. For some reason he didn't want Blaine to go there.

“Is this your plan? Going to jail?”

Blaine shrugged as they drove through Lima to a place Blaine wanted to visit. A park to be clear. Why the hell to a park? It was freaking cold and raining.

“It's not like I plan on going there but it will happen anyway. It's not the first time they caught me stealing something and it won't be the last time. Also I have a pretty long ABH list. So what's the matter anyway? I always had luck because my dad is rich and always paid for me but I think he is done with me.”

Being angry with people and giving them what they deserved – or what they both thought people deserved – was one thing. But truly doing those things to get into jail and ruin everything although he was only (almost) seventeen? Usually Kurt wouldn't care. Not for one second but the thought annoyed him so much that he couldn't stay calm.

“You know, I do not stop people from what they want to do for themselves. But this is insane, Blaine, and plain stupid. You can do other things instead of walking to jail with your arms wide open.”

It made Kurt so upset, so much he wasn't able to understand why.

“Okay, fine. Then no jail,” he grumbled and opened the beer can: “You can be pretty annoying, you know?”

“If I annoy you this much you can leave me alone and pretend we never met.”

But even if he decided to do so Kurt just knew he wouldn't let him go this easily. Not because he felt something special for him or because he was romantically interested. It was just the thought of having a gay friend, someone like him around him. And he... for some reason he cared about Blaine because – maybe he was the more mature one of them – he knew what it felt like to be alone. He knew how it felt like to face a world that hates or ignores you and judges you for linking boys as a boy. Love boys as a boy, yeah. Love was only for hetero people. But he was pleased that Blaine listened to him and it didn't even matter if he would keep his word or not. It was enough that he agreed on that Kurt was right.

 

They arrived at the park but didn't leave the car because it was still raining. On their way they stopped at a Dinner and Kurt bought some hamburgers for them – just to make sure Blaine didn't order it and then went without paying for it. Usually he didn't eat those things but he couldn't care less he was too hungry.

“So your parents aren't okay with you being gay?” he asked and Blaine chuckled as he finished his beer and threw the can out of the window. Kurt tried to ignore the smell of it.

“They try to tell me it's just a phase and that I'm too young to know what I want. Judging by the thinks I do it could be true but they are wrong,” Blaine swallowed clearly enjoying his hamburger: “When I came out it wasn't that bad. We basically ignored the fact and when I got bullied my dad blamed me for it. I chose this way so I had to deal with it. But I quickly got tired of all the bullies and began to defend myself.”

Kurt nodded slowly and finished his hamburger.

“Then we were fighting. There was no day without us yelling at each other and soon I figured out they didn't care like anyone else. So... what is the point of being a good student and doing good things although the world only waits for you to turn your back on it to stab you?”

“What you are saying is you only wait for that day?” and for some reason this scared Kurt. He wasn't waiting for that, for someone to come to him and kill him or anything. All he did was defending himself too and going his own way. Sure, it was a bad way for the people around him but he had no future anyway, right? He could also just drop school and work at a bookstore or something.

“Seriously, I don't know and I don't care. I know my future is just as fucked up as my presents. My parents won't support me, the people hate gay guys and I'm the bad boy, the troublesome guy. There is no glorious future waiting for me. Really, I don't understand people. They see I don't care but no matter how many times I ran away from home they were looking for me and in the end I was back at my parents place and they were yelling at me.”

“Because at some point they care,” Kurt said and he didn't mean to say it out loud. Blaine was staring at him, eyebrows raised and Kurt hesitated until he explained.

“My dad knows I'm gay but he doesn't judge me for it. He supports me no matter what which is... nice but you know what I do at school and he can't understand it.”

For a second Blaine looks like he had seen a ghost and then he composed himself and looked away, keeping himself busy and searching for something in his bag.

“At least someone cares, Kurt. It's better than having absolutely no one who gives a shit.”

“No. I rather have no one who cares. It's the worst when I get back home and I see how he reads a letter from school and all the helplessness in his eyes. The guilt and hurt. But I can't change and I don't want to.”

“Why?” Blaine asked and Kurt told him about just the same things. How they treated him because he was gay and how his friends used to run away instead of standing up for him.

“Well, fuck them,” Blaine said and pulled the CD out of his bag he bought that day: “It's not like we own them something. Even if we get thrown out of McKinley and end up on the streets, who cares about us? No one. Okay, maybe your dad but no one really cares about two gay guys. So better leave the school with an impressive and unforgettable fight.”

Kurt knew he was close to this that they'll throw him out but so was Blaine. It was just that, although he wanted it, although he wanted to leave this school he had one question he feared to ask himself out loud and his lips were trembling when he said it.

“And then?”

“What then?”

“When they throw us out and we won't graduate?”

And they both became silent, both of their eyes wide and face turning pale. They both knew, without graduating there was really no chance to get a good job and they both knew life would be even harder than it already was. Yet, saying it out loud and knowing it was not the same as only thinking about it.

“There are enough people who made it anyway. We can go to San Francisco and join a gay group and figure something out.”

“Our life is no movie, Blaine. Those things don't happen everywhere.”

“Hey, listen. We agreed on becoming friends so we can get out of this school and state, right? So stop bullshitting me with this nonsense. Or aren't you with me anymore?”

“I didn't say that. I understand why you want this to happen so yeah, I'll help you.”

“Great,” Blaine grinned and pulled the CD out: “I found this band and I think they are pretty good. Want to listen?”

“Sure,” Kurt said but he wasn't paying much attention to what Blaine said or wanted. He needed his dad. Needed to talk to him and ask him something and especially, he needed some time alone. Time alone to think about some things because he felt like he was about to puke.

 

* * *

 

Blaine put the CD inside the player and he really needed some distraction from Kurt's words. And then? What a stupid fucking question. It didn't matter if he was a good boy or a bad boy they would still treat him like shit and he prefers to be honest instead of pretending something. Of course it would be easier to just give in and make his parents happy but it wouldn't make him happy. Happy? Blaine hadn't felt happy for a long time. All the smiles and laughter he shared happened because of something that was just pathetic but not because it made him happy. Pretending wouldn't change that he was gay, wouldn't change that his parents didn't like it. It would change nothing but building lie over lie until everything breaks and Blaine would snap anyway. He huffed, leaned back and listened to the song in silence.

 _Don't let me darken your door_  
That's not what I came here for   
No it's not what I came here for   
  
And I won't hear you cry when I'm gone   
I won't know if I'm doing you wrong   
I never know if I'm doing you wrong 

Well, shit. This song hit him pretty bad and he needed all his strength to not gasp or show Kurt what this song did to him.   
__  
A constant reminder of where I can find her  
A light that might give up the way   
Is all that I'm asking for   
without her I'm lost   
But my love, don't fade away 

There was once a reminder. A positive reminder why he should be strong, why he shouldn't fight and just do his best.

  
 _So I watched the world tear us apart_  
A stoic mind and a bleeding heart   
You never see my bleeding heart 

  
But the world knew no mercy for him or for Kurt. No. They all were blind, ignoring them, ignoring what they did to them and kept on hurting them each damn day. So why should he show mercy to a world that had no mercy for him?

  
 _And your light's always shining on_  
And I've been traveling oh so long   
I've been traveling oh so long   
  
A constant reminder of where I can find her   
Light that might give up the way   
Is all that I'm asking for without her I'm lost   
Oh my love don't fade away   
Oh my love don't fade away 

 

Love? Yeah. Here was no love. No fucking light. Here were only his parents who ignored each other, the bullies and all the people who knew who he was and what he did. No one even considered that he might have some problems to solve or that, maybe, some people are crueler than he was. Actually he wasn't cruel he was just defending himself and showing people they were not allowed to call him names or push him around. He stopped the CD and placed the CD back in it's cover.

“Let's drive home,” was all he said and this time Kurt didn't argue.

 

* * *

 

The following two weeks Blaine didn't fight. He avoided each fight, each argument and went to all his classes just to have something that kept his mind busy. Kurt's words never left him and they affected him more than he wanted to. He was right. No matter how much he tried to deny it but Kurt was right. Did he want to die with only seventeen years old? Was he ready to give up everything before even starting his life? Because he knew Ohio was not the world, Lima was not the world. He knew there were places were people like him and Kurt were accepted and successful. But this meant to change, this meant to trust and he wasn't sure if he could let that happen. He had issues with people touching him in a way that was... nice, comforting. Blaine was able to take a punch, able to take pain but nothing hurt him more when someone was hugging him or being kind of lovely, nice to him. It opened so many wounds he feared he would just die on the spot from such a touch. Love scared him more than anything. Any shape of it. He avoided this topic with Kurt and mainly they ended up in his car, listening to the CD and they both began to talk about the songs, about things he usually didn't talk about. Movies, series, what he liked and what not that soon he was questioning if it was right to do what he actually had planned. Also Blaine was not the only one who changed his behavior and not the only one who knew it. All people at McKinley gave him questioning looks because he wasn't starting his day with a fight on the school ground. It was more like he and Kurt were gravitating to each other and the time they weren't together was like living in a bubble which only vanished when the other was around. It was like his body was acting on his own account and always seeking for Kurt's presence. This was no love he felt, nothing like that. It was something more complex, something he didn't want to name. But it was the only place he felt like he had some ground to stand on although Kurt was just as confused as he was. They both were and it scared the shit out of them.

 

_What then?_

 

Only those two words broke his whole mind, his plan, everything and they did the same to Kurt. Gone was the reminder why he hated the world, why he acted the way he used to, why he was so obsessed with fighting. He had a new reminder and it had a name. Kurt. And Blaine was his. This wasn't the plan. This wasn't what he planned at all and he had no idea if this was better or not.

“Anderson!” he heard Karosfky yelling his name through the hallway and Blaine rolled his eyes, leaving the building but Karofsky ran after him.

“What happened, fairy? You used to be such a bad ass and now you hang out with the other fairy?”

“Leave me alone, Karofsky!” Blaine yelled back and walked through the school grounds to the parking lot. Since he was calmer his dad gave him his car back.

“What is it, hobbit?” Karofsky was suddenly behind Blaine and grabbed his shoulder so he could turn him around and face him. He saw that Karofsky wasn't alone. There was Azimo and someone else.

“Nothing, just leave me alone. You already got your chance to get revenge,” Blaine hissed and stepped backwards so that Karofsky wasn't touching him anymore. Usually he wouldn't let this happen and fight but he... he was tired because of his mind. Because of the unending thoughts and the voices in his head. All he wanted was them to stop speaking to him.

“But you gave me just another reason to show you where you belong. Tell me, are you and that lady of yours planning your own little fairyland?”

“It's none of your business with whom I hang out,” he said, opened the door to the backseat and left his bag there: “Even if what does it have to do with you? Jealous, maybe?”

“Dave!” Azimo hissed as a teacher came closer and Blaine saw the warning look until the three football players went away. This wasn't over he knew it. Probably tomorrow they would follow him again and do whatever they wanted to do before they got interrupted. And Blaine? He didn't care. If they wanted to hurt him, fine. Maybe it would stop the voices in his head.

 

And it did. It was the last day at school before their thanksgiving break and Karofsky did what he couldn't do yesterday. The pushed him to a rather quiet part of the school and tried to make Blaine defending himself. They threw curses at him, shoved him, called him a faggot, a hobbit, all those things that made people feel bad and hurt but he just stood there and hearing on thing. _What then? What then?_ So he wasn't surprised when he felt the first punch, the second, the cold ground catching his body as he fell and he just took it because he was tired of his mind, tired of everything. He felt warm blood on his face, felt another punch below his chest and then he heard a voice yelling, a familiar one.

“Leave him alone!” Kurt yelled and ran up to them shoving Karofsky of Blaine who was coughing and trying to breath while his body was completely numb. He saw Kurt's worried and also angry face and he heard Karofsky laugh something about how a princess has to safe a bad boy and then they left. With a groan he turned to his side but no matter how he laid there each part hurt so damn much as the numb feeling disappeared.

“Hey, hold still you'll hurt yourself even more,” Kurt said and Blaine felt his hands on his shoulders, helping him slowly sit up but it hurt even more, even the hands, this helping gesture burned so much he wasn't sure what was worse. The punches he had to take or Kurt's gesture.

“Come one,” he whispered and took Blaine's bag until he helped him up and, frankly, Blaine was too tired to argue or shrug Kurt off. All he cared about was that the voices in his head stopped.


	10. Son

 

Chapter 10. Son

 

 

Some people destroy themselves without even knowing it. Some people are so hurt by life and society that their only way to escape this pain is to hurt themselves. This doesn't mean you can see the scars. There is the physical pain and the pain only you feel, only you can see. The cracks on your heart and soul. Some people hurt themselves and wait for the moment when the pain will just make them numb and stop someday because it's too much. Obvious or oblivious, you can't decide that. But this doesn't mean they are weak. Is there even such a thing as weakness? Like we all have our own limits so who decides what is weakness and what not? Why do people get hurt? And why is it so hard to share love instead of hate and pain? Because that's what we all need and should share. Love, smiles, happiness. All those things that are worth living.

 

Blaine and Kurt were those people. They were hurting themselves over and over again and didn't know it.

 

**10 years ago – Lima – Ohio**

 

Before Blaine came out he had all these wonderful plans for his future. Because he had friends and he was a good student and loved. He thought about becoming a teacher, or a doctor or maybe, if he was lucky and talented enough even a musician or actor. Of course his family wanted him to become something close to a doctor or lawyer but he was still young and had enough time to figure things out and even prepare his parents for his future plans. He had all these small plans and dreams and it was just so easy to dream and follow them because his parents and friends supported him. That was before they placed a label on him. One that was pretty unpopular and not respected in Ohio. Blaine for himself never thought it was wrong to be different, he never minded gay people and he told himself once, when he thought about all this before even knowing he was gay, that he wouldn't mind being gay. He never minded it, he never hated it, it was just the way he was but people just couldn't accept it. And there he was, becoming this bad boy, fighting, defending himself and getting to know the cruel and cold side of the world. It hurt so bad that he gave up at some point to even try. Try to change their minds, try to show them they were wrong, try to show them he could become anyone even as a gay man. It was hard for a young boy to fight against them all because this wasn't his responsibility, this wasn't his job. But ignoring was also something he couldn't accept and so the clear and glorious plan and dream he had fell into chaos. A chaos which was his life now.

 

Blaine thought about that when Kurt drove him to his place because his dad was still at work and they both went inside. He felt Kurt's hand around his back, felt him close and it was driving him crazy and made him so angry and uncomfortable that he wasn't sure how long he could control himself before snapping, yelling and shoving Kurt away from him. He didn't want to be touched. It burned through his clothes, right on his skin and sinking even deeper to his bones and soul. No, he didn't want that. He didn't need anyone or anything. As soon as they were right in front of the bathroom Blaine freed himself from Kurt's hands and saw the scowl Kurt gave him.

“You are hurt. Let me help you,” he said and reached out for Blaine again but he only stepped two steps away from him.

“Don't fucking touch me,” Blaine hissed and his whole body took a defensive position, his eyes staring at Kurt and they were too big, too scared and angry. Waiting, he was waiting and when Kurt said nothing and didn't move he opened the door to the bathroom, wincing when he felt a shot of pain running down his spine and for a second he thought he would pass out. Damn, it's been a while since the last time he got beaten up so badly. Blaine wondered if it was even worse compared to the last time.

“Don't be stupid,” Kurt said and followed Blaine when he was just inside the bathroom. It was hard to stay on his trembling legs and holding his aching body. God, he didn't even know where the pain began but the fact that Kurt was right behind him, reaching out for him hurt and scared him even more. With gritted teeth he tried to close the door and Kurt pushed against it.

“Stop trying to force me to do what you want me to,” he groaned because damn, he would pass out, he would pass out because of this indescribable pain.

“You need help. You can barely stand on your feet.”

Kurt pushed again and he was right, Blaine was too weak to fight against him. It was like his body was just too heavy to hold it, his arms too heavy to move them but the panic in his eyes was impossible to ignore so he shook his head when Kurt reached out again and searched for the strength to push him outside. It hurt, it hurt so bad.

“No! Get out! Don't touch me!”

No one was allowed to touch him. No one was allowed to take care of him. They would just hurt him again. Over and over again. He didn't need that. Love, sympathy, all that shit was just bad and it hurt.

“Blaine, stop it!” Kurt hissed and grabbed Blaine's wrist and this was it. Blaine shook his hand free, almost too violently and began to push Kurt towards the door, screaming.

“DON'T TOUCH ME! GET OUT!”

“Wha... stop screaming!”

“GO AWAY!” his breath was fast, hurting and too heavy he needed to get a hold of the door and stop himself from falling. Fortunately Kurt was finally out of the bathroom and all that needed to be done was close the damn door and lock it.

“I want to help you! You need help!”

“Shut up... just SHUT UP! I don't need anything! Don't ever touch-” and then he passed out.

 

* * *

 

After his mother died Kurt never really understood what that meant when he was just a kid. Just when you grow up and begin to understand you, for some reason, face more and more problems and see more and more bad stuff and eventually lose sight of the good things – although they are there. You understand more and more and maybe you even think you are able to understand everything. But Kurt didn't understand Blaine and what it was that made him so... so scared. Sure, he knew Blaine wasn't beaten up for the first time, and yes, he also knew that his family wasn't supporting and showing their love for him. Nevertheless he wondered if this was really everything that Blaine had told him. This anxiety, almost panic on his face when Kurt wanted to help him was not coming from just yelling and fighting. This was something serious and Kurt wondered if he ever got abused in such a way or if it was just an result of the way Blaine was walking so far. Yes, Kurt never got into those fights Blaine was going through, they shoved him against the lockers, yes, but it was different. So either he didn't understand what happened to a person who was punching people and getting punched or he just didn't understand Blaine. Honestly, he was sure he just didn't understand Blaine and still needed to figure out who he really was and what he was thinking. Which was pretty upsetting. Not understanding Blaine was so upsetting that he questioned his own intelligence. Well, maybe it was not about how smart he was but about how much sympathy he could afford for a person. However, what was he expecting? He knew Blaine for what? Two months? And in those two months they maybe saw each other and talked for three or four weeks? This was something he never liked. Not understanding someone or something. Not understanding anything. It made him so upset that he usually backed off before they could hurt him. Not knowing a person meant you couldn't work against the person and this was Kurt's life. Because he knew the people around him he was able to hit just the right places and hurt them with his words. For some reason Blaine was the exception and it have been unacceptable. It had been... but not anymore.

 

While Blaine was laying on his bed, eyes closed and sleeping soundly he watched him from the spot on his desk he was sitting on. For a second he wondered how Blaine looked like without any bruises, any scratches, any marks on his face. He never saw Blaine without any of them. It was like he was wearing a real mask to cover something and Kurt wondered what. Sad eyes? Old eyes? Hurt expression? Of course he knew that Blaine was hurt like Kurt. They both were hurt and angry and questioning their life, the way they were. In the past weeks, when he and Blaine talked, like really talked for the first time he thought a lot about his life, about Blaine but only when he was alone. Changing his behavior because he was unsure was no option for him. People would label him as weak and eventually hurt him again because teenagers were stupid and rude. Being a teenager was stupid and exhausting and he wondered – although he would never admit it because he was stubborn – if he was just too young to understand life in general. Blaine groaned in his sleep, turned to the side and hissed perhaps still feeling the pain. With a sigh Kurt jumped off his desk and left his room to get some water for Blaine. In the kitchen he almost ran into his father and stopped, staring at him with wide eyes.

“Kurt. I had no idea you were home already,” he said and closed the oven.

“I didn't hear you coming in, sorry,” because usually he greeted his dad whenever he came home.

Trying to act as normal as possible he opened the cupboard, taking a glass out and a bottle of water from the refrigerator. Hoping he could sneak back into his room without his dad noticing something was up was close to a miracle. Burt never met Blaine and didn't know about him. If he knew his dad would not approve that Kurt was friends with him and he would be even more worried because, first, Blaine was gay too and it was easy to imagine there was more between them than friendship, second, this would lead to more worries, more sad and hurt eyes from his dad. Kurt didn't want that but he also didn't want to stop meeting Blaine.

“What's up?”

Fuck! Of course he knew something was up and Kurt was not able to lie to his dad. Never.

“I... there is just a friend here.”

“A friend?” Burt asked looking at his son with this look like he knew there was more than that. So Kurt didn't even try to lie and hide anything.

“His name is Blaine.”

His dad's eyes almost fell out of his head when he heard the name. oh... shit... he probably knew who Blaine was because his dad was friends with some of the parents from Kurt's 'friends'.

“In the sense of Blaine who steals stuff, has fights at least three times a week at your school?”

Kurt only shrugged and wanted nothing more but to leave the kitchen and lock himself inside his room.

“Kurt,” Burt sighed frustrated and there it was again, the worry and hurt in his eyes: “I try Kurt. I try to get closer to you, to understand you but whenever I think I do you just... are you involved in the kind of stuff Blaine is doing?”

“No!” Kurt exclaimed and there was panic written all over his face. No, he would never do such a thing and hurt is dad even more: “I promise! I'm not stealing or punching people!”

“Shh, it's okay son,” Burt whispers when he noticed how Kurt began to shake and how pale he became. There was a difference between having nothing and getting used to it and having something or someone caring about you but losing it. Kurt didn't want to lose his dad, his trust, his support. But he made it hard, very hard for them both. His dad was right next to him and placed his hand on Kurt's shoulder, squeezing it and Kurt felt his eyes beginning to burn. Oh no, no way he was starting to cry. There was no reason to cry and he stopped crying months ago.

“I promise you, I'm not doing something stupid, dad. Blaine and I are just... we are friends... or something. It's... it's easier with him.”

“Easier because?”

Kurt took a deep breath, holding the glass with water way too strong: “He... he's gay too and he just... he knows how it feels like to live here and be who we are.”

It was easier with Blaine. There was something that made it easier although they both still didn't understand the other entirely they never needed to question things because they knew, they felt it why the other did all those things.

“Kurt. You know I don't judge you for who you are but-”

“I know, dad!”

“But,” Burt said more firmly: “If there is anything going on in school or wherever, if people treat you the wrong way, you need to tell me about those things.”

Kurt never did that. He never told his dad what happened at school or how his friends were acting around him. Not after his heart attack. He was too worried to cause him more trouble, more worries and maybe a second heart attack. Well, he worried him anyway and it was so hard to find a way out of this because this was his defense, this was his way of staying alive and not let people hurt him again.

“You know how people are here. This is Ohio.”

“Okay. I understand that there is something and you are not ready to tell me. But, I hope you will one day, okay?”

Kurt stared at his dad, those sad, tired eyes because he couldn't help him. Because Kurt didn't let his dad help him and he felt so much shame. For the first time he was ashamed about how little trust he showed his to his dad. He nodded unable to look at him anymore.

“Blaine is here, right? Why?”

“He... he got beaten up by some guys at our school.”

“He got beaten up or?”

Of course Burt asked this. Of course. He knew what people said about Blaine so Kurt was not even mad at his father to question it.

“He didn't do anything. Really. I stopped them and brought him here. He... it's complicated but I hope you are okay with that he stays here for the night, maybe?”

There was so much disapproval in his fathers eyes because, hello, there was a boy in his sons room, a gay boy and Kurt saw how his dad tried not to think any further. It made him smile a bit but also he knew there was no need to be worried. This wouldn't happen anyway. Maybe, after he and Blaine were done with their plan they wouldn't see each other anymore. This was high school for god's sake. People graduated and grew apart eventually.

“Door stays open, got it?”

“Dad... we are just friends and nothing more.”

 

* * *

 

When Blaine woke up the first thing he noticed was his aching body and hissed when he tried to move. Then he felt that he was laying on a mattress and a blanket covering his body and when his eyes got used to the darkness he realized this wasn't his room, not his bed and that he heard someone breathing in this room confused him and maybe even scared him a little. Still feeling dizzy from the pain and the sleep he pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned it on to look for a lamp and found it on the nightstand. Turning the light on he looked around the clean and neat room and found a figure laying on an airbed on the floor, a familiar figure. Kurt. Slowly he remembered what happened, what Karofsky did to him and that Kurt took him here and how he was yelling at him when he tried to help him. Yelling because he couldn't handle the situation, he couldn't let it happen that someone touched him and helped him and broke the walls he had been building around him for so long. Blaine groaned, taking a shaky breath and looked back to the nightstand and seeing the glass of water and some painkillers. Gratefully he took two and emptied the glass fast because his mouth was so dry it hurt. Maybe he should go to the hospital and let himself get checked but he knew alone he was way too weak for it. He wasn't even sure if no bone was broken and he was not ready to put up with his parents. His head already played his fathers voice of annoyance and disappointment. Then he would pay whatever needed to be paid, take Blaine home and maybe yell at him or leave him alone and Blaine would go to his room, alone and groaning in pain. God, this was all so fucked up he felt even bad that he yelled at Kurt but it scared him, so much he couldn't let Kurt touch him. Kurt who knew too well what happened to a person with a broken heart and soul but who knew so little about Blaine. For a second he wondered if Kurt felt the same way about being touched. Would he yell at him too? Run away? Was Kurt also scared about getting help? Maybe not because he had his dad who loved him, which was unfamiliar for Blaine and totally not part of his life. There was no love, no one who cared. Only people who judged him and kept on reminding him who he was. Yeah, fuck, as if they knew. As if! One last sigh fell from his lips and he moved his legs slowly over the edge and bent down to Kurt who was sleeping and looking... Blaine swallowed. Usually Kurt's face was always so tense, angry and controlled. He looked like he was always in pain when Blaine saw him. Now, though, he looked so calm, his face smooth and relaxed and so young and... beautiful. Beautiful? Blaine almost slapped himself for thinking that and went back to the business he had in mind.

“Kurt,” he whispered but nothing: “Kurt.” A bit louder but again nothing. Annoyed he mumbled something and placed his hand on Kurt's arm and oh... okay. He was warm, soft, he could feel it through the fabric of his pajama and he froze because this was nice. It was a simple touch, nothing special, nothing spectacular but for him it was the first time in a while that he touched someone in a gently way. This felt strange, almost wrong. He remembered his parents used to touch him like this... before he came out.

“Mmh... what?” Kurt mumbled, rubbing his eye and when Blaine saw the piercing blue he forgot to breath. Okay, this was scary, really scary. Something was wrong with him.

“I'm going. You can go to your bed.”

Like he pushed a button Kurt sat up and stared at Blaine.

“You won't go anywhere. You are still hurt.”

“I'm fine,” he said but couldn't stop the wincing when he stood up and wrapped his arm around his body. Well, so much about how fine he was.

“Yeah. I can see that,” he heard Kurt saying and watched him standing up but making no intention of touching Blaine. Good, he probably understood that this was a no go.

“I can't stay here. Your dad will freak out.”

“My dad knows you are here, calm down.”

Uh? His dad knew he was here? His dad knew about him and that they were... friends or whatever? More over, what did Kurt tell him? How much? Suddenly Blaine felt even more uncomfortable because he knew Burt meant a lot to Kurt and if he knew who Blaine was and what he did then... it wouldn't surprise Blaine if Kurt's dad told him to not see Blaine anymore. Yet, he was still here, still in Kurt's room and it was pretty late so...

“What... what have you told him?” asked Blaine, his voice almost a whisper and sitting back down on the bed before the pain was too much to handle. This made Kurt relax for some reason and he was just standing there, eying the free spot next to Blaine but eventually he decides to not sit down next to him. Well, okay, he had scared him, right? Though, Blaine wasn't sure if he liked that or not.

“I didn't need to tell him anything. He knows who you are or... who you are at school. I told him we are friends and that we... we somehow understand each other and hang out. Of course he wasn't pleased but at least we are here and not somewhere doing something stupid.”

Hearing this, that Burt didn't send Blaine away or told Kurt that he wasn't good for him was new. His dad would have never done that. If it wasn't Blaine but someone else around him and being a troublesome guy his father had just grabbed him by the collar and threw him out. Burt Hummel was seriously someone special, like his son.

“Oh... well, I can't stay here anyway.”

“Why not?”

Huh? What was that about? Why not? Because this was not his home, easy as that.

“I mean your parents don't care, right? So you can also stay here without getting into fights with them.”

“But it is about that. Maybe they throw me out finally. Or maybe I'll run away again anyway. I seriously don't understand why they even look for me when I do so.”

Of course his home was not something Blaine truly considered as home. Well, he actually had no idea how it felt to have a home anymore. Being inside this house with his parents was just like... like they were waiting for him to get out or something to happen that they didn't need to see each other again. It felt like that for a very long time but his mother for some crazy reason tried to fix thing between him and her. His dad though remained the same cold asshole he was since Blaine came out.

“Is it about that, Blaine?”

“What do you mean?”

And then Kurt sat down, next to him and Blaine moved some inches away from him. No, Kurt Hummel would not force his will on him like he does it at school. Blaine was no one who ever hurt him or deserved it.

“You could run away and never come back, right? But you are still there. You still go home. Why?”

Why? Fuck, why did he has to ask all these stupid questions. Why, why, why. Who cares? It didn't matter, right? But here he was, Kurt Hummel who maybe knew that he couldn't force Blaine to anything but for some reason he made Blaine think things he never thought about. For some reason Kurt touched the right places and Blaine became an open book. Though, was it good or bad?

“I... I don't know. I...” he huffed and glared at Kurt: “Stop manipulating me. I'm not one of your friends who hurt you.”

“I'm not manipulating you or anything,” he hissed, his eyes small and... was that hurt in them?

“I just... maybe we should... stop.”

Stop? Stop what? Panic crawled up his spine, making the pain less improtant and Blaine almost shook his head. What stopping? Seeing each other? No, for some reason he couldn't allow that. Sure they knew each other only for a short time but being with Kurt was... it made everything somehow easier to handle. Deep down he always looked forward to just be around him and talk. No touching, no judging just talking about simple things like music, like movies. And now they were here, having this serious talk in the middle of the night and he wanted to scream.

“Hey, breath,” Kurt said and Blaine saw from the corner of his eye how he moved his hand up, wanting to probably rub his back and sooth him but he grabbed it, ignoring the pain shooting through his body and stopped Kurt from touching him. But there he felt it, right under his fingertips, right against his skin. Kurt's skin was soft, it was warm just like the fabric had told him and... he gave him a steady stare and Kurt took his hand away.

“What do you mean? What should we stop?”

Eying Kurt's face he saw the insecurity, saw how his eyes stared at his own hand and how he wrapped his fingers around the place where Blaine had touched him.

“Ruining ourselves,” Kurt answered: “Stop ruining everything. I can't hurt my dad anymore and I'm scared he will get another heart attack because of me. And you... you obviously still wait for your parents to care about you.”

Was he? Was this the reason he couldn't just run away? Yes, it was true. All he needed to do was one stupid thing, one big stupid thing and he would go to jail or something and get what he wanted. But he avoided this, did all these small things and dealing with his home. Was this the reason? Because he hoped?

“I know you know this deep down.”

“What about you? Do you know why you do those things? Do you know the truth, Kurt?”

What was happening? Why was this like some huge realization? It felt like he was stepping out of his skin, the skin he used to wear for a long time and wanted to keep it and now he had to grow up and see how wrong he was? And Kurt? No, Blaine wouldn't let him go away with this. This was not only about him but also about Kurt. It was about them and when he wanted to push Blaine on this way, well, fuck you Kurt, you are with Blaine in this together, thank you very much.

“You can't expect your friends to understand what you are going through or to know what to do. Frankly, I doubt you even told them what you'd been through otherwise they had helped you, Kurt. I see it, I'm not blind. They care about you and you are shoving them away from you.”

And then they both went silent and just stared at each other because this was the truth. This was what they both tried to hide and forget. That Blaine wanted someone who cared about him and loved him and Kurt cared so much to not hurt anyone and get them into trouble that he got hurt and into trouble. It was the truth both weren't ready to accept but knew it.

 

* * *

 

Blaine went to the hospital at the same night – Kurt drove him without talking and even drove him home. Thanksgiving was only two days away and usually Blaine avoided his home because he didn't need to see this fake game. Especially not this year when their families came to his place. Last year he ran away and ruined thanksgiving while walking around Chicago where his fathers brother lived. They found him in the middle of the night, without fighting only giving him all these disappointment looks. This year though he had no intention of running away. This year he ended up taking a long walk through Lima and thinking about Kurt's word and listening to the music from his iPod. Still the same band he found with Kurt because, for some reason, he felt better hearing them.

 

 _The young man stands on the edge of his porch_  
The days were short and the father was gone   
There was no one in the town and no one in the field   
This dusty barren land had given all it could yield 

 

 _I've been kicked off my land at the age of sixteen_  
And I have no idea where else my heart could have been   
I placed all my trust at the foot of this hill   
And now I am sure my heart can never be still   
So collect your courage and collect your horse   
And pray you never feel this same kind of remorse 

He kept on walking, aimlessly and still deep in his thoughts. Kurt was right, there was no way to deny it but Blaine always ignored this thought, this hope until it was just gone. Of course he wanted to have the support of his parents, of course he wanted to have what all his friends had. But he went on a way that meant, trouble, moving to another and another city and more trouble. It was just so easy to walk this way, lose himself and wait for the final step that meant... well, Blaine thought freedom. But there was no freedom. Whenever he ran away he ended up being hungry, sometimes cold or drunk and then they would drag him back home and he hoped, maybe this time they'll care. They didn't.

 

 _Seal my heart and brake my pride_  
I've nowhere to stand and now nowhere to hide   
Align my heart, my body, my mind   
To face what I've done and do my time   
  
Well you are my accuser, now look in my face   
Your oppression reeks of your greed and disgrace   
So one man has and another has not   
How can you love what it is you have got   
When you took it all from the weak hands of the poor?   
Liars and thieves you know not what is in store   
  
There will come a time I will look in your eye   
You will pray to the God that you always denied   
The I'll go out back and I'll get my gun   
I'll say, "You haven't met me, I am the only son" 

 

He couldn't understand why. Those were his parents, he was their son and yet they treated him, treated each other like strangers. Like someone who ruined their lives. Thinking about it now it was totally insane how he and his parents lived together. Especially his father. His mother however showed some affection, tried, talked to Blaine and it was so confusing that he kept on rejecting her. Why now? Why was she now caring about him while he was so broken and lost? If she had done this years ago maybe things would be different, maybe even his dad could accept him for who he was. But now? Blaine couldn't help himself but think this was suspicious as fuck. Something was up and he even remembered when he told Kurt about that how he said, that his mother was trying and, well, she was his mother and wanted to help her son no matter who he was or what he did. She might not be fine with it and not support it, but she was still a mother who had him inside her body for months. And Blaine thought, maybe, she meant it, maybe he should give her a try. But his father? No. No way he was ready to talk or forgive his father. He'd ruined too much and Blaine was not ready.  
  
 _Seal my heart and brake my pride_  
I've nowhere to stand and now nowhere to hide   
Align my heart, my body, my mind   
To face what I've done and do my time   
  
Well yes sir, yes sir, yes it was me   
I know what I've done, cause I know what I've seen   
I went out back and I got my gun   
I said, "You haven't met me, I am the only son" 

 

* * *

 

That night, a day before thanksgiving he came home pretty late. It was already dark and it began to rain. Actually he wanted to meet Kurt but since the last time he saw him he wasn't sure what it would do to him or what he could do to Kurt. This wall between them was gone and suddenly he was as open as a book for Kurt and Kurt for him. Perhaps this scared them both and they decided without any words to keep some distance and time between each other. But he couldn't deny it that he really wanted to see him and talk to him before he would do what he wanted to do. Talk to his mother and give her this chance. What if it went wrong and they would just yell at each other or she hurt him again? What if he understood her intentions wrong? God, he really wished Kurt was here but probably, this was one of those things in life he had to go through alone and make some experience. Learn from it, grow from it and become someone... better? But Blaine had hope. He hoped this could solve everything and maybe he can go to school and focus on his classes and graduate. Maybe even go to college and make his mother proud? Oh, this idea was really nice. Then it wouldn't matter if he was gay or not because he was successful. Maybe this was all he needed? Just be a good student, work hard and be nice and his parents eventually accepted him and were proud? Uh, this sudden hope was almost too much to handle. Breathing in and breathing out he opened the door to his home thankful for his fathers absence until tomorrow morning and walked inside, feeling just how wet he already was because of the rain. Quietly he closed the door and saw the light from the kitchen. Of course, it was almost time for dinner and his mother probably prepared something nice because she was a good cook. But he didn't smell any food yet and maybe if he walked inside and helped her talking would be easier? Slow steps, he thought, ready to make a change in his life.

 

But life was cruel. Again.

 

As he stood in the doorway looking inside the kitchen and felt his heart beating faster, painfully, and how a cold shower ran down his spine. There she was, his beautiful mother, sitting on the kitchen table and kissing someone who wasn't his father, who was no one Blaine knew or ever saw before. But she was kissing him in a way she shouldn't. Her hands in his hair, he standing between her legs and Blaine dropped his keys watching them jump apart and eyes wide, staring at him. He wanted to puke, he wanted to breath but he wasn't able to do anything but standing there and staring at her.

“Blaine,” she whispered and he couldn't tell what her expression meant. It didn't matter because his mother was cheating on his father. His mother who tried to make him do the right thing, which was not being gay, not fighting, not stealing. She always told him those things, always reminded him how bad it was what he was doing and what was she doing? She was no saint, she wasn't innocent, she was worse. Worse because she knew what she was doing was wrong but tried to make her son right? For real? He thought this would hurt the most. Blaine was sure if he hadn't hoped, if he wasn't so damn naive about that he could get a happy ending, a family, a mother he would have laughed about this. But it hurt, it hurt so much more to feel his hope breaking, his heart and soul breaking instead the fact that she was the pathetic one. She was a hypocrite with all her stupid words what was wrong and right while she did the oldest sin of all time.

“Blaine, honey let me explain it.”

“No,” he breathed, getting the control over his body back and taking a step backwards.

“I wanted to tell you this. I wanted to tell you about all of this.”

“About what?” he found his voice somehow: “That you are cheating on dad? That you are doing something wrong while telling me how wrong I am?”

“Blaine... I'm...” he saw how she tried to defend herself but he also knew it would be even more pathetic so she shook her head and said something he wasn't expecting at all.

“I tried to tell you that your father and I get a divorce. He is cheating on me for a while now and it... it's senseless to stay together. I wanted to tell you this so you could prepare yourself to find your own place.”

Own place? Did... did this mean that either his mother or his father wanted him around? Was this the truth? Were is parents just the biggest liars, the most pathetic people he knew? Telling him how wrong he was, treating him like a thing while they were even worse? There was nothing wrong with being gay but a lot wrong with anyone else. It hurt... it hurt so much he even pressed his hand against his heart because the fast and uneven beating scared him. Without a clear mind, without really noticing what he was doing he turned around and ran. He ran to the front door, opened it and ran through the rain while his heart, all his hope just broke within his body.

 

 

 


	11. Awake

 

Chapter 11. Awake

 

**Blaine 7:34pm:**

 

_Remember our first day in New York?_

 

**Kurt 7:36pm:**

 

_You jumped on a bench and began to sing New York, New York, Blaine. I'm pretty sure many people remember that._

 

**Blaine 7:37pm:**

 

_True. The reason why I tell you this is bc I'm here. The bench is still here._

 

**Kurt 7:38pm:**

 

_Are you going to sing again? ;)_

 

**Blaine 7:39pm:**

 

_No. I'm waiting for Jason and not in the mood to sing anything._

 

**Kurt 7:41pm:**

 

_You guys okay?_

 

**Blaine 7:45pm:**

 

_idk to be honest. We haven't seen each other for a while and I was distracted with other things to focus on him. I was thinking about our talk. A lot._

 

**Kurt 7:47pm:**

 

_I'm sorry..._

 

**Blaine 7:48pm:**

 

_No, don't be. It's just I can't help myself and wonder. We were good, Kurt. We did so much for each other and I thought this would be it. You and I would be together forever. But I had no idea about what it took everything to grow up._

 

**Kurt 7:51pm:**

 

_I know... I was thinking a lot about that too. And you know now what happened and I have to admit that after we broke up I was hoping that you would come back or that... I could have called you but I was too scared perhaps. But... you know._

 

**Blaine 7:59pm:**

 

_I know. I know Kurt. We can't change what happened and our lives are fine now, right? I mean we are friends again and we have jobs and boyfriends and... we are fine._

 

Kurt didn't answer because he knew this was not entirely true and admitting this to himself was like a sin. Knowing that they didn't break up because they stopped loving each other but because they misunderstood each other hurt. It hurt so much that he thought about not seeing Blaine anymore, stop being friends and just live his life with Garrett and only focus on him. It would also be fair towards Blaine because he had Jason, Jason who cared about Blaine so much but never could reach him. He knew he was not the reason why Blaine's relationship was on the rocks but he was back and caused more troubles.

 

**Blaine 8:03pm:**

 

_I want to show you something. Are you free this Sunday? I mean I know from Jason that he and Garret are having a photo shoot somewhere in New York during Sunday. So... man this is almost creepy but I don't want to deal with Jason while he is rude to you and... this is not like I want to meet you in secret but... yeah_

 

Kurt smiled.

 

**Kurt 8:05pm:**

 

_I know ;) I'm free on Sunday._

 

It didn't matter how much trouble it meant for them both. It was not important what others thought because Blaine was his friend and losing him again was something Kurt knew his heart couldn't handle. Not a second time.

 

* * *

 

It was a pretty afternoon. One he and Jason didn't had in a very long time. They went to the little restaurant where they had their first date, later to the building where Blaine had his first art exhibition and this was also the place where they met for the first time. So many old memories were running through his head, so many warm memories that he couldn't help himself but fall into this warm feeling. They were smiling, holding hands, kissing from time to time and it felt really good to have this back, to share this without worries, without fighting. Blaine saw how hard Jason tried to fix things and Blaine wanted to fix their relationship because this was good. It wasn't perfect but it was good and he really loved Jason. And maybe, somewhere behind his clear thoughts was this one dark thought why he wanted and felt the need to fix this. But he didn't even dare to think it or say it. No. If he would think it, clear and on the spot he knew things would break again. Things they both just began to re-build. So Jason did just the right thing by taking Blaine to their restaurant, to the place where they met and talking about the past and how happy they were. And yes Blaine was happy when he began to go out with Jason.

First he knew a lot about art, about colors, positions and it was inspiring and awesome to have a gay guy as a friend and shared the same passion. Although Blaine painted pictures and Jason took pictures. He'll never forget what Jason said about his pictures when they met at his first art exhibition. He said his colors and the people he drew were warm, vivid and done by someone who really and truly loved what he was doing. Then later they shared among art private stuff. Jason also ran away from home and left his parents when he was pretty young. They also disliked it that he was gay and not to mention his wish to become a photographer. Luckily Jason had his sister Judith who took him to New York and since then he never left New York. Jason was only sixteen when he ran away and after some years he finished school, college and had his first own job and moved out from his sisters place. Blaine knew too well how it felt when your parents didn't support you although you hoped and hoped. Hearing Jason's story was like hearing his younger self and it immediately connected them both. Blaine never told him about the details or much about Kurt because at that time it hurt too much to mention or even think about Kurt. So all he did was falling into this relationship and find a love that made him smile. Yes, it was good and he wanted this back.

 

Back home they both kept on kissing each other through the corridor, inside their apartment and straight to the bedroom. Feeling this desire, sharing those kisses, touching this body made Blaine dizzy because the last time they were like this was months ago. It felt good to share this, to undress each other, fall on the bed and feel the warmth of another body. It was good to stop thinking for a while and just feel. Willingly he let himself fall on the bed, laying on his back and watching his boyfriend crawl up his body kissing him as soon as he was right above his face and pressing his almost naked body down on Blaine's. A small moan escaped from his lips when he felt Jason's half hard cock through his underwear and just as eager he bucked his hips up, wanting more of it.

“Sweetheart,” Jason breathed right into his ear and Blaine whimpered, running his hands up and down Jason's naked back just to slip them down and squeezing his ass slightly.

“Huh?” he asked unable for form real words.

Jason kissed his cheek, rutting against Blaine, giving their cocks the perfect friction for a while and Blaine thought he would go insane if Jason didn't do something soon. He was so close to coming, so close to take control over what they were doing but he stopped after Jason whispered the question he said more than one time.

“Will you marry me?”

And just with this all lust, all desire and all the need to come was gone. Blaine stopped moving, sank down into the mattress, trying to catch his breath and moved his arms away from Jason's ass. Instead he ran a hand down his face, sighing and felt his boyfriend leaning up and his eyes on his face. This day was so good, so nice and perfect and he didn't think for a second about all this getting married stuff, about their issues. Nothing. Frankly, he thought this was the beginning to solve their problems.

“Blaine?”

“Get off of me, please.”

Jason just did that and was laying next to Blaine still watching him while Blaine couldn't bring the strength to look at his boyfriends face. Hearing the same question over and over again was like someone put him into a cage and told him what a terrible person he was. Because he hurt Jason with his answer.

“Why, Jason? We had such a great day.”

“Because it was great and I thought this was the right time.”

He never really thought about getting married. Not after Kurt. Sure, while he and Jason were together he was able to imagine what if but there was always something missing that he didn't think much about it and was fine with how their life was. But Jason needed to ask, over and over again and Blaine would always say the same.

“I won't say yes until we are good, Jason. And one day won't fix the last months,” was all he had to say and climbed off the bed. He didn't want to hurt Jason but he knew with saying no he hurt him. Not that he didn't want to it was just not the right moment for them to make such a promise. And it had nothing to do with Kurt because he already said no before Kurt was even back.

“What is it, Blaine? There is more, right?”

Blaine sighed pulling his pajama pants out of the closet and a t-shirt. More? What more? Their relationship was nothing but some small kisses and not seeing each other because Jason was busy and the fire between them just vanished. It just happened and he tried to make it as bright and warm as it was at the beginning. Though, this was not the way a heart worked, how feelings worked. He had no control over the way he felt.

“It's not the right moment, you know that. You know what our relationship became. I'm sorry but I can't say yes while everything is still broken.”

 

* * *

 

Breaking up would be the best, Blaine thought many times. But breaking up wasn't that easy and he had no real reason to break up with him. Just because they had a hard time didn't mean everything was lost. And he cared far too much about Jason as to just let him go and break up. Maybe, when he had more free time, when they spent more time together and he and Kurt became friends, maybe then it would be easier and he could smile again. Nevertheless, Blaine knew it probably wouldn't work out that way. Whenever Jason proposed he said no and basically slapped him right in the face. He rejected his boyfriend in the worst way possible and he was surprised that Jason didn't break up with him. What if this was his way of trying to fix their relationship? What, if Blaine said yes things would turn out good for them and they would be happy and in love like they used to be? Yet, he wasn't ready to say yes because there was this feeling, screaming at him to not promise something he wasn't 100% sure about. The next day when Jason woke up and joined Blaine on the couch – where he spent the night – they just laid there and shared some lazy kisses, gentle touches and whispered how sorry they were. It worn him out. Why was his love life always such a drama? First he didn't notice how unhappy Kurt was, then when he met some guys he always thought, oh, maybe this time, but they only wanted one thing. And now with Jason it was the same. He had no idea what it was that brought him here where he was unsure, unhappy, almost unable to breath. Jason was awesome. He was smart, he understood art and he was funny and loving. When he called him sweetheart Blaine always blushed and now it was just annoying. What was wrong with him that anyone else, that all his friends were married, even parents or about to get married? Even Kurt. Even Kurt was about to get married and he was once just as broken and lost as Blaine was. Blaine didn't get it and this frustrated him even more.

 

Sunday morning he felt like he could stay in his bed all day long. Jason was working and wouldn't be back until Thursday and this gave Blaine the space to breath. Seeing his boyfriend so sad and then at times when he mentioned Kurt becoming possessive or angry was exhausting. He really wished that Jason could accept Kurt and see that there was nothing going on between them. Hell, he was friends with Garret and he knew how much Kurt and Garret where in synch, in love and engaged. They were engaged and Jason still feared Kurt could ruin something. This ridiculousness made Blaine even more upset. He was 27 years old, he was an adult and he wouldn't run after Kurt and ruin his life. Just because they came along and had a special bond meant nothing. It was in their past, it was done and it would always be a part of them. Blaine saved Kurt and Kurt saved Blaine and they both gave each other love. So much love that they were able to live and move on. If it had been enough love he maybe would still be together with him, maybe even married, maybe even a dad. But no and he didn't want to think about the 'what if'.

Kurt came to his place around 2pm and Blaine was actually excited and a bit nervous about what he wanted to show him.

“Hey, come in,” he greeted Kurt and they both walked through the apartment to Blaine's small atelier. Kurt followed him with raised eyebrows and when they were inside he stood still and looked around, staring at all the paintings Blaine had there. It was a huge room, white and along the walls were paintings with couples, kids, in the park, in the city and looking so vivid Kurt smiled at Blaine.

“You became better.”

“Thanks,” he smiled and crossed the room to the left side where he had some paintings hidden under a white blanket and a huge closet with probably more painting. There was also his easel and a huge desk with brushes, colors and other stuff. Blaine watched Kurt eying the easel and the canvas which was filled with different shades of red.

“I see you have a lot of customers. That's good. I knew you would make it.”

He felt his heart growing with pride and happiness because, yes, he always wanted Kurt to be proud of him and see that he could be successful. Way back when they were living in New York and had part time jobs he always promised Kurt to be successful so they never had to worry about money again. And he told him that he will be successful, the best performer ever but he had no idea how Kurt didn't want that anymore. But it was a good time. A time full of dreams and hopes.

“I wanted to show you this and tell you how grateful I am,” Blaine began to explain and opened the closet which was filled with also covered canvas.

“Grateful?” asked Kurt as Blaine pulled three of them out and leaned them against a free spot at the wall. His wide smile became less and he stared at the covered painting, almost showing how nervous he was and maybe even a bit sad. Yes, grateful he thought. Those pictures where the first ones he painted and Kurt knew them. At least one of them. The other two he'd never shown Kurt because he didn't get the chance to do that. Now he had his chance and Blaine almost felt like he was obligated to do that.

“I made those when we were still together. So... just you know,” and then he took the white blankets off and watched Kurt's eyes go wide, just a little and his mouth hanging slightly open. One picture he knew and Blaine could see it how Kurt remembered this painting. It was Kurt, all three paintings were Kurt but the one with him, walking around Central Park in autumn and smiling with rosy cheeks was the one he knew. It was his first painting ever and he loved the orange and red, the light yellow and the blue sky. Thought Kurt was more beautiful than anything else on this painting. He wore a dark brown coat, a gray scarf and a cup of coffee in his hand. He was looking over his shoulder, smiling at Blaine during the time when they were deeply in love and so happy that they couldn't control their smiles. The second painting was Kurt at the beach standing just so close to the water that it touched his toes and watching the blue sky. It was a nice summer Kurt remembered. He had enjoyed the sun – which he never really had but with Blaine things were always different – at how they went to the beach at night sitting in the still warm sand and watching the stars.

“This is... new,” Kurt breathed and Blaine almost blushed when they looked at the last painting together. It was again Kurt, sleeping in their bed, the sun just about to rise and the room bathed in a slight pink and making Kurt's skin look so pure and soft. Bed hair, eyes closed body hidden by a dark blanket. They were just twenty at that time, still too young to understand anything, still positive about their future, still so in love. Blaine watched Kurt, how his eyes wandered over the painting and decided to stop the silence.

“You were my... muse, you know? My inspiration. I loved to paint you and all those beautiful moments I could share with you. So... I wanted to thank you for showing me that and give you one of these. If you want to.”

Blaine kept those painting over the years. Not even Jason knew about them because he knew this would lead to nothing but trouble and this was also one of those things he wasn't able to share and didn't want to. When they were together, when they were in love he found out what he wanted to focus on, what he loved to paint and Kurt was always his favorite, always his inspiration and showed him just how much he loved to paint beautiful moments from life itself.

“These... these are beautiful. I had no idea you painted them. Well, the last one that is.”

“Yeah. I finished it while we... had a hard time and then... you know. But I needed to show you this and tell you how thankful I am.”

Kurt gave him a warm smile, eyes watery and Blaine shook his head: “Don't cry.”

“I'm not!” Kurt protested and they both laughed, although they knew just what this meant. A moment of regret, of questions, of memories and they were all bittersweet. Maybe it was wrong to show him this and open all these old wounds, all these old memories but he needed to do this. It was just a part of their past he never got to share with Kurt and though things turned out bad in the end now they were... fine. Or as fine as they could have been.

“You want one?” he asked to just have to do something.

“I'll think about it, okay?”

But Blaine knew that this meant something else. This was Kurt way of saying; please don't do this because you know it won't change anything or help us. And yes, maybe this turned out to be a trigger for Kurt. Not a bad one, but one that always summoned the old ghosts they both kept away from themselves in the past 7 years. And maybe it was a move Blaine took too soon or hadn't thought about it through. He really tried to understand what he was thinking when he decided to show Kurt those paintings and give him one. But there was no clear answer, only the sound of his blood running up to his head. Kurt was right, of course, it would cause too much trouble for them both. Kurt was living with Garrett and the chance that he would see the picture was pretty high. And then he would tell Jason about it and this would add only more fuel. No, Kurt was right.

“I should ask you to share your profit with me, since I was your inspiration,” Kurt smirks and Blaine laughed again although it didn't feel like... a good laugh. There was no was... Kurt would always be his inspiration and the reminder why he loved to paint, why he became better and better because he wanted them to have a wonderful future. Well, this was seven years ago and now he shares his life with Jason. This... wasn't any better when he thought about their situation.

“Come on,” Kurt said and placed his hand on Blaine's shoulder as he came closer and Blaine looked up knowing that look on Kurt's face. There was his caring look, his warm smile and this intense blue which told Blaine he had nothing to worry about because Kurt would listen. Because he still could read Blaine's face.

“Tell me what's on your mind.”

 

* * *

Blaine told him about his relationship, no details but just that since they both were successful with their work and really busy things just got out of hand and somehow, along the way, they lost each other. He wasn't sure if he should mention the proposals because it made him feel really strange thinking about it. Saying yes to a proposal meant that you wanted to spent the rest of your life with someone or at least you were able to imagine a future together with this person. A very long future and Blaine was not sure if he could promise that or even keep such a promise. To be honest, he couldn't even imagine a future with Jason being his husband. Not now with how things were. And then he heard Kurt talking about Garrets proposal, about how it felt like and why he said yes and it was no pleasure to hear that. From what he heard and knew Garret seemed to be a pretty amazing boyfriend and, yes, he was able to make each of Kurt wishes true. Wishes like clothes, furniture, decoration and stuff. Kurt was never a material person but he just liked those things because he wanted to feel good and comfortable. Years ago, when they were together Blaine wasn't able to give Kurt anything he wanted. Sure he had money – that was the least his parents could do for him – but they agreed on keeping to money until after college just in case. Thinking about this made Blaine somehow angry and jealous for whatever reason. Garret was a good guy, he made Kurt happy and Kurt deserved it. No one but him and Jason were responsible for their misery.

Eventually they dropped the topic and decided to watch a movie together or to say re-watch Le Mis because last time was a disaster. This time though wasn't any different. Blaine was too exhausted with what happened in the past days and Kurt's presence made him calm and sleepy so when he closed his eyes in the middle of the movie he only woke up because there was something moving on his chest. His eyes were still closed and he heard something in the background, some music and was not sure if this was a dream or not. Hot breath fell on the fabric of his shirt and he slowly realized this was no dream. But this was also not Jason laying half on him. Slowly his heavy eyelids opened and at first the sight was blurry but then, after some seconds he stopped breathing and stared at the familiar figure laying half on him.

If this were a dream Blaine would have done anything to sleep some more. If this were a dream he wouldn't want to wake up. Though, this was reality and he froze, still staring at the sleeping Kurt. His mouth was dry, his heart beating too fast and too many memories flashed like lightning through his head. Memories of happy days together with Kurt. Memories of how many times he woke up before Kurt and watched him sleeping. Memories of cold winter days and they curled up on the couch keeping each other warm. All those memories which were warmer, more vivid and more missed than anything else. And then it hit him and it was bad.

 _How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes_  
I struggle to find any truth in your lies  
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know  
My weakness I feel I must finally show

The time he was allowed to spend with Kurt was and would always be special and his favorite time. When he came back Blaine was scared, of course, so many things had changed. But then, week after week, month after month it just turned into 'how-things-should-be'. Ignoring Jason's worries, ignoring that Kurt was engaged, ignoring everything just for the sake to be with him. But this, this made it even more clear for Blaine and he felt like he should runaway. Just this simple things, Kurt laying on him, breathing against his chest, one hand on Blaine's belly the other under him and he remembered and felt everything again. Everything.

 _Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all_  
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall  
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see  
But your soul you must keep, totally free 

Jason could hold him a million times and he would never make him feel this way. He could say everything Kurt had said to Blaine and he would never mean it the way Kurt did. Only Kurt was able to make Blaine feel all these things. With one look he made him breathless, with one touch Blaine felt like on fire, like electricity was running through his veins instead of blood. Only Kurt could smile and hold him just the way he needed it and would feel safe and home and loved. And even now, although this was just an accident Kurt made him feel all these things. And it was wrong, so wrong but Blaine wanted to laugh.

_Har har, har har, har har, har har_

Kurt moved and Blaine felt cold sweat on his forehead. What should he say? What could he say? But Kurt slept on and Blaine exhaled with relief still chasing his thoughts and caught one. What was he dreaming about? Was Kurt dreaming at all? And if yes would it be about him? About them and their past? Blaine wanted to laugh again. Of course not. He was happily engaged and probably dreaming about the wedding and planning in his dreams what it would look like – though Kurt already had planned his wedding years ago. And he knew it wouldn't be him who would marry Kurt, it wouldn't be him who decides which flowers they wanted on the table or which place they wanted to celebrate their wedding. Once he had this position and now, feeling Kurt so close and going through all these feelings and memories he felt deep regret. How could he forget it? How was he able to forget how it felt like to finally breath again, to feel his own soul again and not like he was some machine only working just right enough that things wouldn't break.

 

_Awake my soul  
Awake my soul _

 

Blaine knew it. He knew it for a long time but he never dared to think it, or god forbid say it to himself. But it was clear, simple but oh so wrong in any way. He still loved Kurt.

 

* * *

 

It wasn't such a shock to figure this out. When was he supposed to stop loving him when it never happened? Just because they broke up and haven't heard from each other in the past seven years was not a guaranty that he stopped loving Kurt. Maybe stopped thinking about it, yes, but only because it hurt too much. Not to mention that it was impossible to control the way you felt for someone or for something. What now, he thought while he was sitting in his kitchen and staring into his mug. Waiting until those feelings just calmed down? Ignoring it? Of course he had to do this because how crazy would it be to go to Kurt and tell him all of this. It was also unfair on Jason who tried so hard. Yes, Blaine loved Jason but... maybe not enough? Maybe not yet enough? He knew he was happy with Jason and he knew he could be happy with him again. Finding the way to this happiness was just difficult. Sure, it would never be enough, never like the way it was and would be with Kurt. But it would be enough to make him smile. He was 27 years old, with Jason he probably will never have kids and never be a dad but that was fine, right? His boyfriend was lovely, a bit chaotic and maybe naïve, but he was good at his job, loved his job and understood Blaine's job. And Kurt? Kurt was engaged with a super successful guy who could give him everything and made him happy in the past three years. Blaine wasn't allowed and never would want to destroy this. In fact, he wasn't even able to do so if they were meant to be. If...

 

He groaned and ran his fingers through his gelled hair. This was the way life sometimes just... was. People agreed on doing things because it meant less damage, although they were 100% fine with it. Sometimes people gave things a try and what first looked like a bad thing turned out to be a good thing. Deciding to be with Jason and ignore his feelings meant less damage for anyone and maybe, it would turn out to a good thing for him. Maybe Jason would make him feel like Kurt did but in a different way.. one day. As long as Kurt could be his friend, they could have conversations and share some laughs things were fine, right? It would be enough. It had to be enough. He needed to ignore all of this because it was just crazy and Blaine was no one who would ruin someones future. Especially not Kurt's. A small laugh fell from his lips. Jason was right. So right from the beginning. This was about Kurt. Everything was about Kurt. Of course he fell in love with Jason and of course he was together with him because of that and not to forget Kurt. But he was right. Blaine hoped each day conscious or unconscious for getting Kurt back into his life. He hoped to smile, breath and feel again like he did with him. But now it was pointless and he decided to do something, something that meant no way back but moving forward. Perhaps this was the point to grow up, again.

 

When Jason came back home Blaine was sitting in their living room more staring than reading a book and closed it when he heard Jason's voice.

“Hey,” he said when Jason came inside the living room looking exhausted and tired.

“You are still awake? Something happened?” his boyfriend asked and his blue eyes scanned the room.

“Not really,” Blaine answered and stood up, walking to his boyfriend and taking one last deep breath before he took his hands and looked up at him, watching the worry and thousand question shining from those blue eyes. He always liked Jason's blue eyes, they were a weak point because Kurt had blue eyes too with a bit green. They maybe weren't as beautiful and maybe they didn't have the same soul behind the blue. But there was someone else. Someone who loved Blaine and could make him happy and letting him go would be just stupid. Even more stupid than running after your old love who was engaged.

“I wanted to tell you that...” he squeezed his hands, fighting with his words, with his mind, with his heart which was screaming _no, don't do it_. Blaine ignored it.

“Yes. I want to... try it.”

“Yes?” Jason asked, moving his head to the side and yes, there was his naïve part.

“Yes, Jason,” said Blaine, more firmly and looked him directly in the eye.

“Yes,” he breathed after seconds and Blaine saw the slow realization on his boyfriends face, how his eyes grew wide and then the wide smile: “Yes!”

He let him hug him, he let Jason kiss him and laugh. He tried to feel just as happy as he did, try to show it. And maybe he convinced him because Jason still kissed him all over his face, held him close and whispered I love yous. But Blaine? He couldn't breath or feel his soul. All he felt was his heart bleeding.

 

 


	12. Nothing

 

Chapter 12. Nothing

 

Depression. Depression is nothing new in our society. People without depression will never truly understand what it does to a person or how it feels. Probably each person feels depression differently but many people say it's like having his head in a dark box and not able to look around. They look straight forward and see all the bad stuff, always bad stuff. It felt like you are not able to think further, like your the box around your head won't let you free and whispers all these bad things, all these bad memories and shows you only the bad things in life although they might not be there. People with depression and know they have it usually feel misunderstood and they are misunderstood by people around them. It's not like when you say you have depression that people understand it or believe it. It's not a wound on your skin for the world to see. It's deeper, hidden inside your heart and soul and make life so much harder.

 

Blaine knew he had no depression because his mind was clear and he knew exactly what he was doing. But for the first time in his young life he wondered if this was it. For the first time he wanted nothing else but just to stop. Stop living, stop breathing, stop feeling all this pain.

 

**10 years ago – Lima – Ohio**

 

It made no sense for him why it hurt so much to see his mother cheating on his father. Then, when she told him how his father cheated on her he felt completely numb. The pain began when he left his home, ran through the rain and stopped when his legs couldn't hold him anymore. His mind was filled with questions, with anger and at the same time his mind was totally blank. First he wondered how was this fair? He was gay and people reminded him how wrong that was, what a sin it was. Then his mother and his father cheated on each other and committed one of the oldest sins. Also they showed Blaine anything but love in the last two years and sympathy was also no part of their life. They committed so many sins, so many wrong things that he wondered where was the fairness in all of this? There was none. All Blaine did is being himself and many people blamed him for this while it was the right thing to do. Be yourself, make yourself happy. Well, for a young boy like him it wasn't easy. Especially since his parents were supposed to take care of him. And now his mother told him they didn't want him around. Maybe not literally but he doubted there could be any misunderstanding. It was his own fault that he dared to hope for anything good. It was his fault that he let his walls down and got hurt although he knew this would happen. Like always. What was missing were hot tears running down his cheeks or maybe that he would scream into the night. But none of that happened and when the sun began to rise he realized that he was awake for almost 24 hours and probably sat on this bench for at least five hours chasing his thoughts and trying to find something that made this pain go away. Blaine knew he always wanted that, get away from his parents, have his own life but not under this condition. Hurt, sad and angry. And hungry.

 

Telling his mind that he was hungry and needed something to eat Blaine walked aimlessly through Lima without any money. Stealing was no big deal for him but today... it was. His body was way too weak and he was too tired and maybe got really caught. Also, it was thanksgiving, fucking thanksgiving and he walked around hungry and holding all the misery his life was on his shoulders. Standing in front of a shop he watched the people inside, buying all the food – some last minute grocery shopping before thanksgiving – and hissed when he saw a mother with her son about something he wanted but she said no. Memories of him and his mother being the same before everything turned into such a mess. A time when he was just her son and she his mother. Such a simple time without any troubles. When it didn't matter that he was gay. Blaine mumbled something and walked away sitting down on a bench and running his hands through his curls. And now? What should he do? Where should he go? He had no friends, he had no family here and he had no money to even visit someone. Though he had no idea where his aunts and uncles lived. This was not the way he imagined his way out of Lima.

“You okay, kid?”

He looked up, making sure if the person was talking to him and when he saw the face of Kurt's dad his eyes grew wide. Not that he and Burt Hummel had some issues but Blaine knew he didn't approve that Kurt was hanging out with him.

“Yeah...” was his respond and his eyes went back down, watching the ground. He had no idea how he looked like. Probably dirty with his still wet clothes, dark circles under his eyes because of no sleep at all. Yeah, he was sure he looked something close to a homeless or anything. Wasn't that what he wanted? Yes, but it shouldn't feel like the way he felt. Also the fact that an adult asked him if he was okay was strange and something Blaine hadn't experienced in a while. It made him feel really uncomfortable and helpless.

“I can tell you don't look okay.”

“You don't say,” Blaine almost snapped and then winced. Okay, this was not right because Burt never made him feel like he wasn't welcomed or had done something to hurt Blaine. It was not his fault that Blaine's family was just fucked up.

“Sorry, Mr. Hummel.”

Humming he watched Burt, noticing the two bags in his hands and seeing different kind of food and his mouth began to water. Swallowing he tried to tear his eyes away from the bag and looked back at Burt's face seeing his raised eyebrows. Okay, maybe he acted way to obvious.

“Are you here with your parents?”

Blaine didn't answer. All he did is making an angry expression which slowly turned into pain and he pressed his hand against his forehead to hide his eyes. No, don't think about them, they don't matter, he told himself.

“Here,” Burt said, more firmly and handed Blaine one of the bags he was caring.

“Uh... what-”

“I take you with me. Kurt will be furious when he finds out I let you here.”

Oh, yes. Kurt, his friend Kurt. The only person he could – for some reason – talk to. He avoided all those huge topics which caused him head ache and confused him but being around Kurt was always... good in some strange way. But Kurt couldn't give him what his parents were supposed to give. A home, safety. Blaine sighed and took the offered bag and followed Burt. It was not like he had any other place to go and if he was honest... he didn't want to be alone on thanksgiving.

 

* * *

 

“You look awful,” was the first thing Kurt said when he saw Blaine standing inside his house.

“Thanks?” Blaine mumbled and followed Burt into the kitchen leaving the bags on the counter, feeling Kurt's eyes on his back, eying him, judging him. Hopefully he wouldn't start lecturing Blaine or force him to anything like he tried to but eventually understood that he had no chance to force Blaine into anything.

“Take a shower, kid. Kurt for sure has some clothes he can give you to wear.”

Both boys stared at Burt, confused and wondering because usually Burt was not pleased with Blaine being here. Not that he ever threw Blaine out or called him out on the stuff he knew Blaine was doing but they always saw the looks Burt gave Blaine and agreed that Kurt's dad probably didn't like Blaine. This though told something else. But Blaine tried to tell himself that this was just an act of kindness because it was thanksgiving. Oh, yes, thanksgiving.

“I... I should go. It's Thanksgiving and I don't want to bother you guys.”

He might be a bad boy, or whatever people call him, and he might be ignorant at times but he had manners. Turning around he met Kurt's eyes, staring at him and trying to figure out why Blaine looked like a mess and it was hard to look into those intense blue eyes. Turning back he saw that Burt was looking at him just the same way Kurt did. What the...?

“Dad is right. Take a shower and I give you some fresh clothes to wear.”

“And then you'll tell us what happened,” said Burt but Blaine shook his head almost giving Kurt a pleading look. It was one thing to talk with Kurt about the things he thought but something completely different with Burt. All he ever exchanged with Burt was a hello and goodbye. There was no connection, no friendship, nothing. Talking with an adult was strange and unfamiliar no matter who it was and Blaine told himself in the past two years that he didn't need an adult in his life. Now one cared about him? Someone who wasn't his father or mother? This confused him and scared him at the same time. He almost felt like he wanted to jump out of his body and run away. Far away.

“Blaine,” Kurt's voice dragged him out of his emotional chaos and he turned quickly around nodding and saying: “Bathroom. Yes...”

 

Blaine tried to avoid his mind, tried not to think while he took a long hot shower. He washed his hair, his skin paying far more attention than usually. Probably he thought by washing each part of his body this mess inside his head and heart would go away. Just away and never come back. Because he felt dirty, he felt wrong and so angry he wanted all of this to stop for just a second so he could breath again, maybe even sort things out and move on somehow. Screw his parents, he thought, like it was not important what they did or think. They gave him up a long time ago and so did Blaine. Screw his young mind for making him hope again. After his shower he put the clothes on Kurt gave him and left the bathroom and walking down the corridor to the kitchen. Burt was gone and only he and Kurt were there who was cooking. Actually cooking for... Thanksgiving? Blaine raised both eyebrows and eyed all the food, fruits and stuff until his stomach made a noise.

“Here,” Kurt turned around and placed a plate with eggs and bacon on the table. He also put a bowl with fruits and another with bagels there followed by a mug with coffee.

“Thanks,” Blaine almost whispered and began to eat not feeling like talking and not knowing what to say. There was also no chance to talk because when Burt came back father and son were too busy cooking and laughing, while Blaine ate his breakfast and watched them. Seeing Kurt like this was new. He never really got the chance to see Kurt and his father interact but he knew Burt cared about his son and accepted him for who he was. They simply worked together – probably shared a special bond since Kurt's mother and so Burt's wife died – and accepted help from the other. They laughed about some silly things and whenever Kurt did something good, like making some special soup Blaine noticed, Burt praised him and Kurt smiled proudly. Kurt smiled, Kurt laughed, something he never did at school or around Blaine. But hearing it, seeing it let Blaine forget his breakfast, his worries and only focus on that beautiful sound. Some said Kurt's voice was strange, some laughed at him and Blaine thought too, that it was rather special than ordinary but that it could sound so beautiful? Who knew, huh?

“So, you were up all night, kid?” Burt asked after Blaine was done eating and nodded slowly, deciding not to tell what really happened because he didn't want to ruin the mood.

“My... my parents left. Spending Thanksgiving at my aunts place and... we don't get along so we agreed on, you know since I'm so much trouble that I would stay here.”

But Blaine could tell from Burt's look and slow nod of his head that he wasn't sure if this was the truth or not. While Kurt knew it was a lie he said nothing.

“Then you'll stay here until your parents are back. That means, only if you have nowhere else to go,” Burt turned around, giving Kurt a look who stared back at his dad unsure what this was about, just like Blaine.

“I... no. I have no one.”

And it was true in many ways.

* * *

 

When Blaine went to the guestroom to take a nap Kurt stared at his dad from the chair he was sitting on in the kitchen. Heavy sighing Burt came back and immediately caught the look from his son. Kurt crossed his arms, tapping his foot on the floor and waiting for his dad to say something but his mouth was closed so Kurt broke the silence.

“What are you doing?”

“You should tell me what's going on.”

Kurt raised his eyebrows while his dad kept gazing at him, clearly knowing something which Kurt couldn't figure out yet.

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Burt sighed again, leaning against the counter and keeping his steady look at Kurt.

“First, you care about him. That's why I took him here and made him stay.”

“I don't... I don't care about him,” Kurt said weakly and knew he failed. This was an obvious lie he knew it and Burt knew it. Of course he cared about him although he tried not to. This thing he and Blaine started was slowly turning into something Kurt was maybe scared of? No. He was confused what it was that had changed because, the second Blaine stepped inside his house, looking like he wasn't sleeping for days worried Kurt much more than he was ready to accept or show. His dad though knew his son, so Kurt was not surprised that he knew but more annoyed that he still couldn't hide everything he was feeling.

“Second, since I know you care about him and I also know how stubborn you can be I rather have him here, where I know you won't do anything stupid. If I had told you I saw Blaine and how he looked like I know you'd just go and look for him.”

Kurt mumbled something inaudible.

“Third, this boy probably ran away from home.”

“Well, it wouldn't be the first time.”

“That's why I want him to call his parents and-”

“No!” Kurt stood up, eyes wide and took his dad by surprise.

“No?”

“You... you can't,” Kurt said but not even intending to tell his dad about Blaine and his issues with his parents. Not to mention that he had no idea what happened that made Blaine run away. The last time they talked Kurt could see something was changing within Blaine – because the same thing happened to him – and he thought that he could see something like hope, which was really something Blaine Anderson usually didn't have.

“It's... he doesn't come along with them. And... I'm not the one to tell you what it is but... they aren't as supportive as you are, dad.”

And Burt understood what his son meant with being supportive, Kurt could tell it by the way his fathers face became fixed and his eyes moved from left to right, chasing his thoughts.

“Okay. One more reason that he should stay here,” Burt said and turned around, checking the cooking meals inside the oven and saucepan.

“Dad?”

“Hmm?”

“I know you don't like him.”

Burt turned around again, his son right next to him and fighting with himself. Kurt never really talked about Blaine since the one time his dad found out they were friends. This had nothing to do that he couldn't trust his dad or was afraid that he would kick Blaine out. It was more about that he wasn't used to this anymore. Telling his dad everything that was going on. Which, of course, was the point why everything was such a mess at times.

“It's not that I don't like him, Kurt. I don't know this boy. All I know is what people say and those people don't even know him. But I trust you, Kurt, and I think you know more than anyone of us which is what makes you care about him and be his friend. Also... it's been a while since I saw you hanging out with someone.”

He was right, though. Before his life became such a mess he used to hang out with Mercedes and Rachel, even with Santana. Blaine was the first person he took home in two years.

“And when he helps you because he is gay too and probably understands what you are going through better than I ever will, what choice do I have?”

“Dad... I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... hurt you.”

And Kurt moved forward, hugging his father which he haven't done in nearly two years. His dad was amazing, Kurt knew it but with those words he just remembered how amazing his dad was. He wasn't judging Blaine by what people said, sure he was worried about Kurt and what kind of impact Blaine could have on him. But he tried to look beyond the gossip, tried to see the boy Kurt knew and cared about in some strange way even Kurt didn't understand yet. Furthermore, since he was hanging out with Blaine he never got another letter home from school, telling his dad about Kurt's behavior.

“I know you don't,” Burt whispered and hugged his son back.

 

* * *

 

There were laughs, there were hugs and so much love and harmony that Blaine could only stare at Burt and Kurt. They both were talking about anything and nothing, without yelling at each other, without giving strange looks. They were just father and son, joking, talking and knowing each other. Blaine spent 3 days together with them and watched this dynamic over the three days. First he was surprised about Kurt and who he was when he wasn't inside their school building, surrounded by all those idiots who were judging them for who they were. Or when they were driving through Lima. He was always so tense, angry and waiting for the moment to snap at people. With Blaine he was calmer, still trying to change him or his actions but he was also opening up and telling him what was going on through his mind. Which helped but also confused Blaine. Especially now he was more confused than ever in his life. Kurt seemed to live a double life. One where he was this sassy and heartless guy and one where he only cared about his father and nothing else. Maybe even a third one, when he opened up to Blaine. Despite all these things, something else happened to him, watching Kurt and Burt. They were everything Blaine wished he could be. Everything he wanted to be two years ago. Just a son, getting support and love from his parents. Just a kid, asking his parents for advice, for guidance, for everything he had no clue about because he was just too young to understand or figure out what was the right thing to do. But they turned around when they knew he wasn't the boy they wished he would be. Watching Burt and Kurt made it painfully clear just what he had not and what he – probably – would never get from his parents. During Thanksgiving he heard their conversation about cars, heard them laughing, answered some questions with just enough words and focused on his food when they didn't ask him anything else. Sleeping in the guestroom and spending the day with them made things just even more clear for him. Painful clear, horribly clear. No matter how often or how hard he tried to tell himself he didn't need his parents, he didn't need anybody he understood more and more that he would never have what Kurt had. A caring parent. Which was just another point that confused Blaine. If he had someone like Burt as a father he was sure, he would have never ended up to the person he was. Burt was just amazing. Although Kurt did all these awful things – and he probably only knew some of them – he supported his son, loved him and would give the world to him if he could. He never judged his son for being gay, he never told him it was wrong, he never thought less of him. He just accepted Kurt the way he was and hoped he would find the right way some day. He wasn't any different towards Blaine. Sure he felt the tense atmosphere when Burt talked to him but he also felt how hard Burt tried to not judge him. There were enough rumors, some were even true, but he tried to give Blaine a chance and look at him like he was just some boy, a teenager going through a hard time. It scared Blaine, confused him and hurt him. It hurt him so bad that at the third day – in the middle of the night – he left their house, trying not to cry.

Those past three days were just too much for him. He tried not cry over what Kurt had and how he treated it. He tried not to cry over his own life, how his parents gave zero fucks about him or what he was going through. He tried not to cry about the fact that no one cared about him. But he wished someone would care. He wished his parents would come to him, tell him they loved him and that they would go through this. This, though, was nothing more but a dream, a wish, an illusion. It would never come true, no matter how hard he wished and hoped. For the first time in his short life he felt like, this was it. His life was over and Blaine wanted to end things. His life, himself, everything so he wouldn't feel all this pain anymore. Kurt though, Kurt had a chance. He had everything. All he needed to do was to take it and keep it and his future would be fabulous. And he knew, with him and his plan Kurt would never achieve this. So he left their house and walked to the city, knowing exactly where to go. It was a dark place, between some old houses where he used to be sometimes. He knew there were always those guys. Guys who looked for trouble. He never went there on his own but he knew about this place and with the right words he knew he could make them angry and maybe, just maybe he would stop feeling like this. Like a small boy, hoping his parents would give a shit and treat him like their son. It felt like a hopeless wish, a dream and nothing more. A dream that would never come true and he knew it would never happen. Feeling numb and empty he stood at the beginning of the side street, seeing those guys laughing and drinking something. One of them was even familiar to him – probably one of the boys he used to punch at school – and called them some nasty stuff. What was the point anyway? They'd become angry, they'd shove him and beat him and maybe this would be the last thing he needed. Maybe this time his body would just give in and he could rest because this life was just exhausting. Blaine smirked when they walked up to him, hissing warnings, giving him dark looks and one of them shoved him back and Blaine stumbled backwards, calling them weak and some names before he felt the first punch. Yes, he thought, beat me until I'm numb, until I stop feeling because there was nothing and no one worth living for. Not even himself. He fell to the wet, cold ground, felt a kick against his stomach and tried not to groan in pain. Blaine was even sure to smell some blood, probably his own and looked up at them as the light from a car blinded them and he heard Kurt's voice, commanding them to stop. No, he shouldn’t be here, Blaine thought and felt panic run through his veins.

“Kurt,” he chocked and felt another kick, groaning in pain.  
“Go away!” Kurt cried and Blaine saw them shoving one of those guys away but then there was a painful cry. A painful cry from Kurt and Blaine jumped up, suddenly feeling more alive and angry than he ever felt in his life.

 

 


	13. Promise me we'll be alright Part 1

 

Chapter 13. Promise me we'll be alright Part 1

 

**10 years ago – Lima – Ohio**

 

He was so hurt, so lost he might also go to a therapist, lay down on that old ottoman or whatever it was and whine about his life, his future, everything. Maybe he would be their favorite patient because he himself is just as fucked up as his life. But this meant to get help and stand up again, walk again and Blaine wasn't sure if he had the strength to stand up again, or if his heart and soul could handle more damage. The issue was – and he knew it way too well – that all this only happened and he let it happen because he stopped caring about himself and no one cared about him. Not in the past two years, not now. It was one of the oldest feelings a human longed for. Love, company, someone who simply gave a shit. Deep down he couldn't stand himself, the person he became neither was he able to change and soon it was just his life, filled with ignorance towards himself and fear for hope, trust and love. He was so scared to get this back and lose it again that he thought it was better to not let it even happen again. That's why he yelled at Kurt when he tried to touch him, that's why he ran away after Thanksgiving seeing this father and son relationship, that's why he hoped things would be over soon. But the moment he saw Kurt, he he jumped between those guys and got too, it made his mind blank, his body froze and then anger gave him the strength to yell but he couldn't move. Just because Burt was there they stopped kicking him Blaine and they wanted to run away when they saw Burt. He, though, at some point called the police. But he couldn't care. Not about his blood or about his pain, all he saw was Kurt, groaning when he pressed a hand against his face while kneeling at Blaine who slowly raised from the ground. He shouldn't be hurt, Blaine thought over and over again.

 

It happened all so fast Blaine's mind only began to work again when they arrived at Kurt's home. Burt helped Blaine inside, after he guided his son inside, and Blaine wondered why they were here and not at the hospital – which was almost like Blaine's home counting the times Kurt drove him there or told him to go there. At some point he was thankful because he needed to see Kurt and make sure he was okay. Burt told him to lay down on the couch while he took care of Kurt, but he, this beautiful boy with a bleeding nose and clearly exhausted expression already stood there, pressing an ice pack against his cheek.

“Kurt, you shouldn't stand.”

“I'm fine. It's just... the shock.”

Blaine heard them talking and yes, Kurt probably never got punched, which surprised him because judging by Kurt's mouth he had punched him more than one time. But he was Blaine and Blaine would never hurt Kurt.

“You okay, buddy?” Burt was suddenly next to Blaine who turned to the right and winced as he felt the pain shooting through his bones.

“Ye... yeah. Nothing's broken,” he could tell because he knew how it felt when something was broken.

“I get some more ice packs,” Burt said and left the room while Blaine wrapped his arm carefully around himself and winced again. This wasn't the way he planned it. He wanted those people to beat the living lights out of him and make everything stop. It was too much and too hopeless, his life. Just... when he saw what they did to Kurt and how Kurt came and... why?

He heard steps, saw Kurt from the corner of his eyes. The blood under his nose already dry, his face pale, almost gray and then he sat slowly down, letting some space between them and heard him saying: “Don't ever do this again.”

Blaine made no sound, no move he only stared at Kurt wondering what he meant.

“Don't ever run away or into fights.”

Still staring he was too exhausted to argue or say anything at all. He only nodded because it didn't matter if he was honest or not. Lying and being honest? He was fine with both.

 

* * *

 

Blaine slept for almost two days, dreaming about old memories, dreaming about how he was running away from something and woke up, sweat running down his face and breathing fast. He was awake for another hour and soon too exhausted so he fell back into a restless sleep. Burt always came to him, giving him something to eat, giving him new ice packs just so, without any words, without wanting something and Blaine murmured a thanks and that was it. Once a day Kurt came to the guest room, not talking, not doing anything special but just sitting there and reading something and only then Blaine was able to sleep without any nightmares. It was always like that, no matter if he was sleeping or not. When Kurt was there with him in one room he was – for him – suspiciously calm and stared at him whenever Kurt was distracted by a book or a magazine. He had a black eye which faded away day after day and reminded Blaine what Kurt did for him. He followed him, when he noticed Blaine was gone, maybe even followed him when he saw Blaine walking outside and probably called his father when he knew where Blaine was going. He had no idea if this was true but otherwise he couldn't explain himself how it was possible for Kurt and Burt to find him before worse had happened. The more his black eye faded the more his thoughts began to change. He understood that Burt was right. Kurt cared about him and for some reason he didn't force Blaine to do stuff like he did with his friend. He always asked if he needed something when he came inside the guestroom, made sure he had everything he needed, clothes, water because Blaine was unable to leave the bed. Not because he couldn't walk, just because he felt too weak, no life inside his body. The time he used to watch Kurt he felt strange things happening inside him. When something funny happened in the book Kurt read he would smile in such an adorable way that his stomach made a funny move and Blaine blushed. When Kurt saw something in the Vogue magazine he really liked his eyes began to widen, sparkle and then he was thinking with a frown. And sometimes he fell asleep on the armchair, knees up to his chest and looking younger than almost seventeen. Blaine used this opportunity to stare at him as long as he slept. He slowly realized things he was fighting against each day. Like knowing that Kurt cared about him, that two strangers cared about him, that this boy was beautiful when he wasn't saying all these awful stuff. That, when he smiled his heart pounded faster, that when Kurt wasn't here he felt emptier than ever. He was fighting against all of this because it didn't matter. Feelings like love, hope and trust were stupid and hurting him. One day he would let him down and be left alone once again.

 

But those thoughts were too strong to ignore them and he didn't understand what was happening. He only understood that he couldn't fight against it. Kurt and Burt took care of him like it was something they always did. They kept him in their house and this for a whole week. Burt called the school, saying they were both sick and wouldn't come. He wasn't sure how Burt managed to do this but he also couldn't care less. He focused on his body which, day by day, healed and soon there were small bruises left. For five days he said nothing, never left the guestroom but only to use the bathroom. Then the day came, Friday evening when he found out how Burt managed it. He called Blaine's parents and told them he was here, staying here for as long as he wanted to and they just agreed. There was no surprise on Blaine's face, no anger, nothing. Burt, though, was furious and heard him saying it in the kitchen when Kurt was around. He heard stuff like, his parents were heartless, didn't deserve to have kids at all and Blaine had agreed if he was able to feel anything at all. But there was just emptiness inside his heart and soul.

 

This night his nightmares were worse than ever. He dreamed about his parents, calling him a disappointment, telling him to go and never come back and when he woke up from that, sweaty and close to tears he left the guestroom and walked to the basement, where Kurt's room was. The door was open, a warm light shining from the ajar door and took a shaking breath before he knocked against the wood. He needed him, he just needed to see him and find the calmness he was aching for. For some reason he kept his word to not run away again.

“Yes?” Kurt answered and Blaine stepped inside, seeing how he took his headphones off his ears.

“Hey... I... I wanted to ask if... I could stay here for a while.”

“Of course,” he smiled, he freaking smiled and Blaine sighed in relief closing the door behind him. Hesitating he looked for a place to sit, for a chair or anything close to him and were he could rest.

“Come here,” Kurt said and patted with his hand on his bed: “You probably still have troubles to stand?”

“A bit...” Blaine answered though his body wasn't looking that bad anymore he wasn't used to stand that long after laying in bed for a week. Walking through the room he passed Kurt and sat down, knowing this bed already and taking a shy look at him. And now? Should he say something? Or maybe it was better to lay down and sleep for a while?

“You want to talk?” Kurt asked, turning in his chair and facing Blaine.

“I... I don't know.”

“Maybe you want to listen to some music? I know you like it and it helps you.”

“That... that would be okay.”

He placed his headphones on the desk, pulled the plug out so that the music was playing out of the speakers and Blaine raised his head, knowing this song. With questioning eyes he looked at Kurt who sat down next to him, one leg resting on the bed and smiled at Blaine.

“I bought the CD too and they are really good.”

They were good, too good and they always touched Blaine deep inside that sometimes was so overwhelmed with what he felt and thought that he had to turn the music off. But this time... this time it fit so good and hurt so bad he took a shaking breath when he heard the first words.

 

 _You saw my pain washed out in the rain_  
Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins  
But you saw no fault, no cracks in my heart  
And you knelt beside my hope torn apart 

 

His eyes were burning, tears filling them so fast he wasn't able to do anything against it. His body was trembling, his mind filled with the things that happened a week ago. How they kicked him, how they hurt Kurt and just because he cared about Blaine. And it was unfair, he thought. It was one thing to hurt people and knowing it, doing because he wanted to. But another when it happened to someone who had only the best in mind. Kurt didn't deserve this. Both of them didn't deserve all the cruel things in their lives.

 

_But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view  
We'll live a long life_

 

He wanted this. He wanted the long life. One without pain, without fights, without hiding and pretending. Blaine wanted a future with friends, with someone who loved him and he loved back. Someone who gave a shit when he forgot to eat his breakfast or forgot to turn off the light. Someone who came running and kept him away from trouble. Someone to hold him. And then he felt it, the warm calming hand of Kurt on his shoulder and he looked up, straight into the beautiful blue eyes he noticed at once the first time he saw Kurt and now he understood what they did to him. It was clear, so easy and so painful at the same time.

“It's okay,” Kurt whispered as the first tears ran down Blaine's cheek. Tears he'd been holding for years, though it felt like eternity and he gave in. chocking he let the tears fall, feeling his hands shaking, his body becoming unfamiliar and when Kurt opened his arms he fell right into them.   
  
_So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light_  
'Cause oh that gave me such a fright  
But I will hold as long as you like  
Just promise me we'll be alright

 

If there was one person he cared about, one person he wanted to care about him it should be Kurt, he thought. Here, in his arms Blaine wasn't afraid to break anymore. He cried, sobbing, clutching at his shirt and at the same time feeling how he, just with his hands running up and down his back healed everything. Maybe not that but he made it bearable. His hands were just there, doing what his mother always was doing when he was upset or sad but his hands felt so much better. They didn't burn or hurt. They just calmed him down and opened his heart and soul so gently that he kept on crying, wishing they both would be all right soon. Wishing they could fix each other just by holding each other.   
  
_So lead me back, turn south from that place_  
And close my eyes to my recent disgrace  
'Cause you know my call  
And we'll share my all  
And our children come and they will hear me roar

  
 _So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light_  
'Cause oh that gave me such a fright  
But I will hold as long as you like  
Just promise me we'll be alright

 

Kurt moved closer, resting his head on Blaine's shoulder and he felt his tears against the skin of his neck. Felt Kurt's body trembling, heard him sobbing and held him back, safe, warm and they both cried silently. For Kurt he would hold on. For him he was ready to change everything as long as he would be at his side no matter as what. Friend, lover, enemy, he didn't care but he needed him so much he had no idea how much until that moment. He was ready to give him his heart and soul, everything just for the sake to have him. And Blaine knew Kurt would keep his heart safe, care about it and Blaine would give Kurt just the same back. It was enough. Their old life, all the fights, all the anger and pain, it was enough. He wanted it to stop, for both of them.   
  
_But hold me still, bury my heart on the coals_  
And hold me still, bury my heart next to yours  
  
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light  
'Cause oh that gave me such a fright  
But I will hold on with all of my might  
Just promise me we'll be alright  
  
But the ghosts that we knew made us black and all blue  
But we'll live a long life  
And the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view  
And we'll live a long life 

 

When the music slowly found its end and the last sounds ran through his body, Blaine felt how his eyes hurt, how his head ached and how hard they were holding each other. But it felt good. It felt good to let it all out, to be held, held by Kurt and when he stopped sobbing and the tears also he pulled back, gently and cupped Kurt's face who did the same to Blaine. Just holding his damp, red face, seeing his tear-strained eyes he ran his thumbs gently over the skin, like he never did anything else and slowly, they leaned their foreheads against the other, inhaling deeply and sniffing.

“Can... can you promise me that?” Blaine said, his throat dry and hurting.

“What?” Kurt asked, closing his eyes and clutching at Blaine's shirt.

“Promise me, we'll be alright.”

“Promise me you won't hurt yourself anymore. No running away anymore.”

“I promise... anything.”

“Then we'll be alright.”

Blaine couldn't see it but he was sure Kurt was smiling. He felt it because Kurt was close, so close he felt his breath against his lips and then, slowly he opened his eyes at the same time Kurt did it and saw the blue, just swimming there looking at him with too many emotions inside. Though this view shouldn't be beautiful Blaine couldn't help himself but just think that. Having him so close and see the small lines of green and yellow there, swallowed by the bright blue color he dared to look down, at his pink lips, mouth slightly open. There was no time, no world, nothing but Kurt and slowly, making sure Kurt was okay with that, making sure Kurt wanted the same he closed the gap and pressed a wet, shy kiss on his lips. His first kiss, probably even Kurt's first kiss and this was even better than having his arms around his body. Pulling slightly back he took the seconds to breath, to sort himself and then Kurt leaned in, kissing him a bit stronger, with more truth and they fell back on the bed, laying side by side and sharing sweet, careful kisses. As if with each kiss their souls and hearts would heal a little bit more.

 

* * *

 

Kurt never kissed someone and never been kissed. But if he had to chose someone he wanted it to be Blaine. Blaine who calmed him down, who became the only person beside his dad he cared about. Blaine, who put up with all his crap and stayed at his side. The first time he saw him he knew something was different inside him, something changed and the more time they spent together, the more he cared about him. Which, of course was against everything he lived for. But the day his dad brought Blaine to their house, a sad, lost and pale Blaine his heart almost broke. There was no need to ask what happened, he knew it. Only his parents could hurt him. The only people he cared about no matter how often he denied it, Blaine wanted them to care and they broke him. Yet, Kurt was naïve enough to believe that, by spending time with him and his dad Blaine would realize life wasn't that bad. The opposite happened and when he saw him sneaking out with those eyes, empty and lost he knew Blaine had no good intentions. Kurt followed him, quietly and as soon as he noticed where Blaine was going he called his dad. The second time his heart almost broke was when they punched Blaine, kicked him and made sure not to miss him. With each kick Blaine got it felt like Kurt hurt it too. And it did. Without any hesitation he jumped in, stopped them and wanted nothing more but to keep Blaine safe.

Back home and during the week he was restless and sleeping was almost impossible. Scared that Blaine might run away again he was awake through the night, and only slept for some hours when his dad was awake. Then he went to Blaine's room and sat there needing to be where Blaine was and that was also the place where he could sleep. There was no need to talk, no need to to do anything, it was enough to know he was in the same room. But Blaine's silence worried him and he was unsure what to do or to say. Touching him was a no go, asking what was wrong would turn into Kurt forcing him to say something because he had no idea how to ask for something. Kurt was used to force people to do stuff for him but he didn't want to force Blaine to anything. If Blaine ever talked about something or came closer it should be happening because he wants to not because Kurt wants him to do so.

And then, the night when Blaine opened his door – Kurt kept the volume of his music extra quiet to hear anything – he stood still, listening, taking one headphone from his ear and heard Blaine coming closer. Maybe this was it, he thought, maybe Blaine wanted to say good bye, maybe to talk. Oh he wanted him to talk, anything that meant he would stay because letting him go. No. Kurt was not ready to let him go. Having him hear through the week opened his eyes even more and made him feel funny things. Good things but also things that scared him. Getting to close to Blaine, making him his friend, or something else meant to trust him, to count on him, all these things his friends couldn't do. All the things his friends couldn't do because he never talked about the stuff that was happening. Yes, Blaine was right when he said it to Kurt. All the misery in his life, all the ignorance, everything happened because he never talked about it and never let the people look inside his life. He thought he could deal with it, the bullies, the homophobic people but it became more and more and soon he felt broken, lost and thought someone would see it, someone of his friends. But no and he build this shield around himself, keeping himself safe and somehow he became this cold, loud and angry person not seeing a future where he was happy. He, a gay guy who constantly got the reminder how wrong and worthless he was? For Kurt it was like his life was already written down. Not many chapters, not many lives. But then there was Blaine and when they sat on his bed, listening to the music and watching Blaine cry he understood. Kurt understood everything the song was telling, Blaine was showing and what he was feeling. Blaine looked beyond all this, dared to see more than what Kurt showed. He stepped inside Kurt's heart and soul so easily and understood him so perfectly... he wondered if it was a trick or dream. But it was real and he would be a complete idiot to let him go. Together, Kurt was sure, they would be alright. Together they would be strong and get a happy and good future. Still he wasn't sure what this meant... together but he knew, kissing Blaine, having his first kiss with him. If this meant to be happy and that he would stay he was fine with that. If this meant their kisses would heal everything he wanted to kiss him until they couldn't breath anymore. But kissing was not just kissing. It made him calm, so calm it was strange and unfamiliar. What meant kissing? What did it mean to lay here with him, holding him and leaning their foreheads together? What meant those small kisses? Honestly? Kurt didn't want to think about that but just inhale all of this. Just for now.

Actually he thought he would be nervous when sharing his first kiss, nervous to lay with a boy he liked in his bed, nervous to look at him. But he wasn't. He was calm, he felt safe and cared and touching his face, touching the skin and looking into his eyes was like the most natural thing. Especially his smile, Blaine's smile he never had seen Blaine smiling like this though things were even more of a mess than before.

“Thank you... and your dad,” Blaine whispered, while he ran his hand up and down Kurt's arm: “Without you I... I probably wouldn't be here, with you.”

“I'm glad you are here.”

“It's... it's not like I... I can go anywhere else.”

Still, with some hesitation he kissed Blaine, just a gentle peck and closed his eyes, leaning his forehead back against Blaine's.

“You can stay here.”

“I can't Kurt... your dad-”

“My dad wants you too. He... he talked with your parents and was furious.”

Blaine nodded slowly, exhaled and whispered: “I've heard him. I'm sorry he had to deal with them.”

“Don't be. It's not your fault,” Kurt said and pulled Blaine closer as he felt, he just felt how close to tears Blaine was again. And silently, after some seconds of silence Blaine used to sort himself, his thoughts he told Kurt what happened. With each word he held him stronger, placed soothing kisses on his face from time to time like he never did anything else in his life. Eventually Blaine was done, crying against Kurt's neck after he talked about what happened, what he had to go through and realizing, once again or even more what truly happened as he let it all out for the first time.

“I promise you, we'll be alright. I want us to be alright.”

It took some more tears, some more kisses and they both fell asleep, wrapped around each other.

 

* * *

 

The next day when they woke up it was Kurt who opened his eyes before Blaine. First he was confused to feel something around his body until he realized it was an arm and then, that it was Blaine's arm. Turning his head to his left side he watched him sleeping, looking better than yesterday and sleeping peacefully. In any other situation he'd be worried about his dad seeing this, saying something but this was Blaine and his dad knew how much Kurt cared about him. Probably he already figured that this would happen or already happened. In his eyes Kurt saw this strange look like his dad knew more than he said. Whatever it was he only cared about that Blaine was here and not somewhere else. Turning around slowly, facing him he took his hand on his arm, kissed his fingers and watched him slowly waking up, blinking in confusion until Blaine, too, understood where he was and with whom he was. A sleepy smile was the first thing he gave Kurt, then he slowly snuggled closer and once again, like being the most natural thing for them, he kissed him gently.

“Morning,” Blaine mumbled and squeezed his hand.

“Any nightmares?”

“No. With you by my side I never have nightmares.”

This Blaine... this open smiling Blaine became his favorite. He preferred him smiling, nice, kind and careful. Seeing Blaine fight, ruining himself, hurting himself hurt Kurt just as much. Maybe he didn't understand why it hurt him but he wanted it to stop.

“Is... is this okay with you? I somehow... I didn't get the chance to ask you,” Blaine said, suddenly being shy and pointing between them and Kurt found it pretty adorable. Nodding slowly he buried his face against Blaine's neck, breathing him in once again and enjoying his smell. Before he was this close to him he always thought – if he ever had to describe how Blaine smelled – he would smell like rust, old stone or something. Actually, he smelled like the sunset at summer, mint and like life? Could someone describe a smell as life? Whatever, for Kurt it was that and he liked it.

“For someone who yelled at me for... touching his shoulder you are... enjoying this pretty fast.”

Blaine chuckled and kissed his forehead: “You make me do things I... I actually don't want to do.”

Kurt was just the same. With Blaine he did things he never ever would do or feel or think. But because it was Blaine it was probably okay. Here he didn't feel like he needed to wear his mask or guard himself.

“It's Saturday and we still have two days free, though, we should do our homework?”

“Yeah... yes. I think we should do that. But... before that I want to talk to your dad.”

Slowly they both stood up and just like that Kurt kept his hand on Blaine, on his shoulder, holding his hand anywhere just to feel him close and whenever Kurt slipped away at some point, Blaine made sure to keep some kind of physical contact. It felt like, when they broke contact they would lose their ground, get lost and hurt. He didn't want that. He needed to feel Blaine and knew Blaine needed to feel him. The last night, the last hours opened something they could only care together. Leaving his room they made their way to the kitchen, fixing some coffee and breakfast and eating together. After that Kurt stood in front of the sink, washing the dishes and Blaine stood close, resting his head on Kurt's shoulder, playing with the hem of his pajama shirt not noticing how Burt stood there and saw them.

He waited for a while and when Kurt turned around, seeing his dad he took Blaine's hand, squeezing it and seeing the small smile on his dad's face which was... surprising. This was the first time he saw his son holding someone's hand, being close to a boy and showing any kind of affection. And thinking that it was Blaine who got this made Kurt think his dad would disagree but he smiled, eyes watery and for the first time he knew, he had to break the contact with Blaine to walk to his dad and hug him. Blaine nodded, letting go of his hand and leaned against the counter while Kurt walked up to his dad and hugged him, beginning to cry again.

“I'm sorry, dad.”

“It's okay, kiddo,” Burt sniffed and hugged him back, giving Blaine a grateful look and he just stared back, not knowing what just had happened. As father and son pulled back they both looked at Blaine and Burt, probably knowing from Kurt didn't step closer to Blaine but just giving him the same look with a smile. Wiping his tears away he was back at Blaine's side, taking his hand and squeezing it lightly to remind him that he was back, that he was still here and wouldn't go anywhere else.

“You okay, Blaine?”

“Yes... yeah, thank you and... I would like to talk to you when you... have time.”

“Of course,” Burt answered and poured himself some coffee.

 

Both boys left the kitchen, standing in front of Kurt's door and fumbling with their hands, running their thumbs over the skin from the other and Kurt asked quietly: “You want me with you when you talk to my dad?”

“No,” Blaine breathed: “I... I need to do this alone. But I'll be back with you, right after that.” Blaine said the last words in a rush, to tell himself that he wasn't going away and to tell Kurt he would stay.

“I'll be waiting.”

And Blaine went back to the kitchen, telling Burt about his parents, about his life and that he was more than grateful for what he did for Blaine. He told him almost everything and also that he needed Kurt, that he would look for a job to pay back what they'd spent for him. And Kurt knew his dad would agree on that, let Blaine stay here because he understood that, now Kurt would never be apart from Blaine. It was impossible for him to let him go because there was nowhere he could stay. It was impossible for him to leave him on the streets and his dad knew it. More than that, his dad knew Blaine wasn't a bad guy. Not as long as he made Kurt happy and smile. And Blaine did all this, so easily, so naturally with one touch, one look. Burt saw how they healed each other and knew it was hard for Blaine to talk about this, tell an adult about what was going on.

 

When Blaine came back he fell right into Kurt's arms and just fit in there. Meant to be there and never leave this place again. Though their hearts and souls were broken, though they both were still unsure about their future and how to fix everything, Kurt was more than sure that together, they would deal with it and make it somehow. Now, all they needed to do was to stay together, figure it out and although it was so easy to hold Blaine, be with him school... school was something different. The world outside his house was different.

 


	14. I don't want to

 

Chapter 14. I don't want to

 

Santana stared at Blaine like she saw a ghost, eyes wide, mouth open and then there was slight anger in her face. She walked around the bar, standing next to Blaine – who was sitting in front of the bar – and smacked him on the back of his head: “Say that once again.”

“I... I said yes to Jason.”

Her hands turned into fists, breathing heavily through her nose she tried to calm herself down and was back behind the bar, pulling a glass out and pouring some whiskey in it.

“Drink this. Maybe alcohol will turn you into a sane person, because you are obviously insane.”

“It was the right thing to do, Santana,” Blaine reasoned and stared into the brown liquor.

“Right thing? Seriously? How many times did he ask you to marry him? The last time I counted it were three times and suddenly you say yes, while telling me why you can't marry him? Don't lie to me,” she said with clear disappointment in her voice while she knelt down a and opened the refrigerator and placed bottles with soda and beer inside and looked up, here eyebrows dangerously close: “No. You can lie to me but don't lie to yourself.”

“Santana, it's not like... the real thing. I don't even have a ring, no one will know. We agreed on keeping it quiet for a while.”

“Oh, that sounds even more convincing,” she said sarcastically and Blaine figured there was no way he could lie to her. In the past seven years she became one of his closest friends. It just happened somehow because back in high school they didn't really get along. Though after his and Kurt's break up she was the one always around him and helping him. She kept him away from trouble and told him to focus on what he loved to do and just move on, while understand all the pain he felt. Then, when she got the chance to open her music bar Blaine helped her with the money and since then they were close friends. Just like with any other but especially with her.

“Does this have something to do with Kurt? Because he is engaged too?” She asked and eyed a glass but immediately looked at Blaine when she heard his shaking breath. He pressed his palms against his eyes, pressing his trembling lips together and trying not to cry, trying not to make a sound, though, when she was suddenly next to him, wrapping her soft, warm arms around him he gaped, tried not to whimper, not to sob he just wanted to breath but he couldn't.

“Hey, it's alright. Sshh,” soothingly she rubbed his arm, his back and let him cry into her hair.

“You don't have to do this, Blaine. You know that. Did he force you to-”

“No,” Blaine cried silently.

“Then... what is it, Blaine? What happened?”

She pulled back, looking into his watery eyes while he wiped his nose – looking ten years younger – and tried not to shiver.

“I... I think I'll... I'll fuck up again.”

“What? Why would you? You haven't done anything wrong in the past – almost – ten years.”

“No... nothing like that. I... I can't say it out loud. It... it will be real and I can never take it back.”

He gave her a pointed look, trying to tell her what happened because he couldn't say it. There was no way he would say it out loud, not for her, not for himself. It already hurt to think about it, to know it so what would those words do to him?

“This... this is about Kurt, right?”

Blaine nodded, biting his lip.

“You... oh my God,” she breathed and ran her fingers through his hair, her expression softening in sad sympathy: “You still love him.”

“I always did,” Blaine sobbed: “But... I was able to... ignore it because I thought time would heal it. Change it, anything. When I met Jason it was even easier. Easy with him, easy accepting how things were and... I mean we are on the rocks for a while now and... I don't think it has something to do with Kurt.”

“No, Kurt wasn't even back or mentioned when this happened.”

Another nod and Blaine wiped his eyes when another wave of tears ran down his cheek.

“Even when Kurt was back there... there was nothing that... no feeling. Nothing to worry about. Or maybe I ignored it, I don't know but... last week when he was at my place it just... it hit me. But... he is engaged, Santana. He will marry Garret some day and I.. I can't fix what happened and.. I won't get him back...” Blaine cried the last words, tears running down his cheek and he began to shake again. Once again she held him, close, making soothing sounds and it hurt her too to see her friend like this.

“That's why you said yes?”

“I don't know. I really don't know,” Blaine sobbed: “I just want it to stop. I don't want to ruin... ruin his life.”

 

* * *

 

“Hey honey,” Garret smiled when he walked into his office where Kurt was sitting and working at his laptop.

“Hey,” Kurt smiled and accepted the kiss Garret gave him when he sat down next to him, watching Kurt working on the portfolio he needed for his next trip. He decided to order them by their date of construction, which meant the day Garret finished each outfit. There was no specific order but Kurt thought it looked better this way so people would see how each outfit looked better than the next one.

“You should sort them by color, Kurt. It looks better,” his fiance said with a smile while Kurt stopped what he was doing and stared at the display, feeling this strange feeling which made him somehow numb, feeling small and immobile.

“I... um, I think it looks better this way. Then.. then they'll see how much better you became.” He only had the best in his mind. He only wanted to help and his feeling told him this was the right thing and it felt good. But Garret... he always told him he should change it, do it the way he wanted it because he was longer here, had more experience and only wanted to help him to become as good as he was. He knew Garret meant it well, he knew he was helping him and Kurt didn't want to hurt him by disagreeing his fiance.

“Color, okay?” Garret said, kissing his cheek and standing up. Kurt only nodded.

“Did Isabelle tell you about the upcoming meeting and event?”

“Uh.. no,” he answered, closing the laptop because it was almost time for his break. Garret walked around the desk, sitting down on his chair and looking at his phone: “Tomorrow I'll be out for three days and then, in the middle of September I have to be in Paris for two weeks.”

“But... what about my birthday?”

“We can celebrate it when I'll be back, okay? You know those trips and events are important. The more people buy my clothes the more money we have for our wedding. And I want this wedding to be perfect for you.”

Kurt nodded slowly and watched his boyfriend standing up, walking to him and wrapping his arms around his shoulder, kissing his cheek: “I know you don't like it when I'm away and I'm sorry. But I leave you my credit card and you can go shopping? Or go out with Blaine, you two have a lot to catch up on, right?”

“I guess,” Kurt said and slowly stood up when Garret took his arms away: “I'll go and enjoy my break, okay?”

“Do that. I see you tonight.”

Leaving the office Kurt was fighting against the urge to scream or to throw something. Of course he knew why Garret did all this. Just for them, for their wedding and that they both had a good life. But in the past weeks he was thinking the same things over and over again. He didn't need his stupid money, or the shopping with Garret's money, or the constant lessons what he was doing wrong and what was right for Garret. Kurt knew he was doing a good job, he knew his ideas weren't bad but he also knew what happened when he was disagreeing. His fiance ignored him, like he wasn't there and waited for Kurt to apologize and admit he was wrong and Garret was right. One time it even turned into a fight, an ugly fight and he didn't want to fight with him. So it was easier to agree and wait for the moment when he was equal with Garret. Of course he had more experience, of course he meant it well – his dad raised him up like that, being the one who earned the money and took care. But Kurt didn't want and need that. He wanted to be equal, do the same stuff Garret did, earn his own money and pay for him too. But he fucking didn't let him.

 

And spending time with Blaine made it even more clear for Kurt. Seeing Blaine brought all the memories back about the time when they became a couple, moved to New York and always, always were equal. Blaine let Kurt do what he wanted, helped him and supported him whenever Kurt let him. Just the one time, when Kurt struggled with his life, with his future he shut down and everything broke. After that evening, when he fell asleep and was laying on Blaine it hit him even harder. There, laying on Blaine and feeling this familiar body once again he remembered what it really felt like to belong somewhere. Being a sane human Kurt told himself it was just because Blaine was his first kiss, his first boyfriend, all his firsts and of course he would always be special, always the one person he trusted and would run to. So he wasn't surprised when he felt so safe, so calm and happy feeling him under him. Honestly, even when he woke up he pretended to sleep because he didn't want to leave. Only one more minute, some more seconds, he told himself and then he would wake up and leave. Though, it wasn't that easy. After that day, for the first time, he thought about breaking up with Garret. Or at least take a break to... just to sort things out. When he thought about that for a while Garret did always these incredible things. Like he could sense it that Kurt was unhappy or confused. He would cook something for them, buy Kurt something nice, watch a movie with him Kurt loved but Garret not. At the beginning it was enough, it made Kurt fall in love with him even more and forgive everything. But he was no kid anymore. Buying stuff he liked, cooking stuff he liked, this wasn't enough anymore. It would never fill the hole inside his heart. No DVD, no book, no jacket could fill the emptiness inside his heart. Only feelings, emotions, love, this... this could fill it. A human didn't need gifts, food and so on only. A human also needed love, the feeling to be safe, to be loved, to have someone who cared about that Kurt wasn't sad or alone.

When he turned seventeen he and Blaine learned this, understood what it meant and how important it was to have all these things. They learned to love each other, to care about each other and help each other with words, with kisses, with hugs and just sharing some affection. They learned it, understood it although they both were scared of it because love, friendship and the longing to have someone who cared broke them. Thinking about that made Kurt always breathless because it was so much they both achieved together. It was so much they both had fixed together. Kurt helped Blaine and Blaine helped him... but they failed by helping them together. The us, the we, the Kurt and Blaine. They were too young, Kurt understood it now. Too young to deal with all the new things, with all the life they felt. Especially, they both were too scared to break it because it was so easy. A strong bond, a relationship with pure trust and love, with someone who could read you like an open book was so fragile with just one wrong word, one wrong move. And Kurt regretted it because it was clear for him. After that evening when he slept on Blaine and came back to Garret, he knew, no one would ever make him so complete like Blaine did.

 

And now?; he thought the next days when he didn't get to see Blaine but texted him from time to time. When they were just teenager they asked themselves; And then? Kurt had the answer for this. And then they would end up in New York, finish college, get a good job, become successful, marry and have two adorable kids. 'Then' was so clear for them both. But this 'then' was now 'now' and so Kurt asked himself, and now? Should he break up with Garret? Should he avoid Blaine? Should he run away again? Just because he felt all these things again for Blaine? It was probably just a feeling, just a phase because he wasn't in the right head space. He tried to convince himself that it was just a phase - for almost two weeks - until he figured that, maybe, he was really still in love with Blaine. It took him by so much surprise that Kurt stared at his laptop for almost an hour until Garret was back and dragged him out of his thoughts. If he was truly still in love with Blaine, if he really never stopped loving him but became a master of ignorance then... what could he do? He was engaged and he really loved Garret. The hard time he had was probably because he was impatient. With 27 years he didn't dream to still be an assistant. Garret was already a full time designer with 27. Yet, Kurt trusted his words about that he wasn't ready, until they annoyed him and this scared him. When he was a teenager annoyance was always the first thing before he snapped and hurt people, treated them like shit and he really never wanted to be this person again. So he swallowed it and waited for the right moment, for the good times.

 

“Kurt, can we talk?” he heard Isabelle's voice and looked up from his phone, where he was reading a two day old text from Blaine he hadn't answered yet. With raised eyebrows he looked around, sitting in his favorite coffee shop and really, he was surprised to see her here.

“Sure,” answering she sat down, across him and there was no smile on her face which made him slightly nervous.

“It's about Garret,” she said and for some reason he felt fear.

“Something happened? Is he alright?” because he knew Garret was in Paris already.

“No. He is fine, don't worry. It's just... don't get me wrong but, is he treating you well?”

“Uh... yes?” okay, this was strange.

“Did he ever... became violent towards you?”

“What? No!” okay this was really strange and he felt how his head began to ache, because, what?

She bit her lower lip, obviously fighting with the right words and ordered some coffee to get a little distraction before she spoke again. Thank God she was no one who gave hints and never went straight to the point.

“We went to LA last Friday and, God, I've never seen him like this. He was wasted. Completely wasted and I swear, I've never seen him like this. I know he is... he can be a smartass, to say it nicely. But he was completely out of control.”

Kurt swallowed, thinking about the last weekend but, the only thing that was strange was that, when Garret came back home he had sex with him immediately. No words, nothing, he just came inside their bedroom, late at night – like always when he traveled around – and undressed himself, than Kurt and whispered how he missed him, how he missed his body and Kurt felt sorry and let Garret take him. The first three times when this happened he was really confused, maybe even a bit scared but the answer, when Kurt asked him what this was about was, that he missed him and loved him. Kurt accepted this answer.

“Was he drunk?”

“I guess he was. I don't know Kurt. Something is up and you know, I care about you two but I care more about you. Don't blame me for it, you know your fiance, he knows what he is doing but you are always giving in and do anything to make him happy. So of course I care more about you because you are incredibly talented and such a sweetheart and you deserve-”

“I know, Isabelle, we talked about it,” Kurt stopped her rambling and almost blushed. Isabelle always had the best in mind for Kurt. She always told him how talented he was, that he needed to make an application to become a full time designer and he would easily get it, anywhere – of course she wanted to keep him at Vogue – and it was a good feeling to have someone like her. At the same time it was a burden for him because Garret was against it.

“So when we were in LA we went to the after party and we had a good time. Some hours later when I wanted to head back to the hotel I couldn't find him. So I was after him and found him between some guys you usually don't hang out with. Luckily it was outside the party.”

“Guys? What guys?”

“I don't know, to be honest. But he was drunk and yelling at one of them and almost punched him. John and Ethan dragged him out of there and we headed straight back to the hotel. He was wasted Kurt, really. He couldn't even walk or talk.”

Kurt suddenly felt dirty, uncomfortable and like he should run to Garret and yell at him. Not because he was drunk, obviously, but because he could ruin Isabelle. He wanted to give him a lesson that this wasn't okay and especially ask him what the hell was wrong, because he never drank so much that he lost control over himself. Maybe he only had a good time, like Isabelle said and looked to deep into his glass. Calling him out because he'd been drunk would be wrong because Kurt drank too and even he sometimes drank too much and Garret took him home.

“Maybe he was just... too drunk.”

“It was not the first time,” she said with a sad look but Kurt shook his head.

“I'll talk with him, if you want to.”

“No, Kurt. I don't want that. If you do then he'll know I told you about it and if he didn't tell you anything maybe he doesn't want you to know about it. But I want you to know it and be safe, okay?”

Be safe? He looked down into his almost empty mug and thought about her words. Garret and violent? Garret and drunk? It was like they talked about two different people with the same Garret.

“Are you guys okay? Do you have any problems? Maybe he is drinking because he is frustrated?”

“No... no, really, we are fine. But maybe there is something he didn't tell me about.”

Isabelle nodded slowly, finishing her coffee and taking Kurt's hand into hers, looking him straight in the eye with so much worry, like a mother would do: “Promise me, that, when something happens, anything, you do the right thing, okay? Just because you are engaged doesn't mean you have to be with him.”

Kurt nodded slowly, not sure what to think about it.

 

* * *

 

“Please, Kurt! I don't know what to do!” Rachel moaned over the phone and he heard Daniel crying in the background.

“Hey, calm down, what's wrong?” alarmed he stood up, pulling his jacket back on and leaving his apartment, his phone close to his ear where he still heard Daniel crying and Sandra yelling at her mom that he should stop crying already.

“I have a meeting and Finn is still at school. Some kids got detention and he can't leave. And I have to be at the meeting in two hours and you know how traffic is and the stylist stuff and-”

“Calm down, I'm already on my way.”

“Thank you! Please hurry!”

He hung up, taking the first cab he could get and giving the driver Rachel's address. Hearing the kid cry and Sandra yelling wasn't really his thing and he had no real experience when it was about dealing with kids. Still he welcomed this unscheduled happening and was happy about each distraction he could get. Away from his thoughts about Garret, away from the need and wish to see Blaine and fall asleep on him again. In the past days he couldn't sleep, constantly worried about Garret who was in Paris and who knew what he was doing there. Of course he called or texted Kurt and always seemed to be sober and just himself. Trying to ignore it and convince himself that there was no need to be worried, Isabelle's words echoed over and over in his head and he was restless. He couldn't sleep, couldn't really eat and work was exhausting. Being in the same rooms Garret used to be, being in their apartment which he shared with him was the most hurtful reminder. One day he even began to rummage through their stuff to find something he had no idea about what he hoped to find. Of course he found nothing suspicious but it didn't calm him down. Then, when the thought of Garret was too much he began to think about Blaine and listen to their music. Sure, this wasn't as good as having his friend next to him but it was at least something to calm him down. Blaine asked him to meet, to go out, to meet for a movie but Kurt made excuses that he had to work or something. And dapper Blaine, gentlemen Blaine didn't ask or pleaded. He wished Kurt much success and as soon as he was free he should text Blaine. The truth was he didn't trust himself. He used the memories of Blaine and the feelings for him to get distraction from his thoughts about Garret. At first it was distraction but it slowly turned into regret, longing and missing Blaine. Feelings he shouldn't have and feelings he was to weak to deal with. It was pointless to let some old feelings revive which most likely were just old feelings, nothing that was real or true. Almost like an old habit. Even if he let it happen, even if he believed they were true Blaine was still with Jason and Kurt still engaged and it could ruin so much... he wasn't sure if he had the strength to go through such a hard and maybe even nasty time again. He and Blaine worked way too hard for their future, for their happiness as to let it break again. The only thing they hadn't planned was their break up.

 

Leaving the cab he ran to Rachel's house – a huge white one in the middle of a nice neighborhood – and knocked against the door. Listening he expected to hear Daniel cry and Sandra maybe running through the house and going nuts. But it was quiet and when the door opened he almost took a step backwards.

“Uh.. Blaine?”

There he was, wearing a dark red cardigan Kurt loved so much, his dark red bow tie undone – probably it was Daniel who tugged on it because his little arms were wrapped tightly around Blaine's neck – and dark tight pants and a white shit under the cardigan. Yes, absolutely Kurt's favorite look.

“Kurt... hi. What are you doing here? Uh, come in,” Blaine said with clear surprise and took two steps back and letting Kurt walk inside.

“Rachel called me because she needed a babysitter.”

“Oh. I had no idea. I was here, visiting Tina and Mike and heard the kids cry and, yeah. She basically pressed Daniel into my arms, said her thanks and ran out.”

Kurt chuckled, took his jacket off, standing there in his gray pants, dark blue sweater and took a look into the mirror, eying his hair, trying to be unobtrusive while he did that because... why was he so nervous? It was just Blaine. Blaine who knew him better than anyone. He saw him naked, saw him crying, yelling, in each situation but still, he was nervous.

“Well, since I'm here I can help you.”

“That would be great. Sandra is in the living room, pouting like crazy and I have to feed Daniel and bath him,” Blaine sighed and Kurt smiled because, like some weeks ago, Blaine looked way too good with a kid in his arms.

“Don't worry. I go to her and see what I can do.”

“Thanks,” Blaine smiled and with some hesitation Kurt finally found the will to walk.

Inside the living room he noticed Sandra at once, sitting on the couch in their fancy living room and playing with a puppet, still pouting. Taking some steps closer to her he saw the puppet being naked and Sandra close to tears.

“Hey Sandra,” he said and she looked up, turning around quickly with huge eyes and then went back to pouting.

“Hello uncle Kurt,” oh good, she at least wasn't stubborn and ignoring him. With a sigh he walked around, sitting down next to her and eying the puppet, with long blond hair – what was it? Barbie? Yeah something like that – and didn't like the view. As a designer he imagined already what this puppet could wear. He himself had some puppets at home, but those for designers and created his own clothes.

“Is your... Barbie-”

“Her name is Molly,” she mumbled.

“Molly it is. Is she always naked?”

Sandra shook her brown locks and a tear ran down her cheek: “Daniel played with her and destroyed her dress. I hate him!”

Oh wow, okay, there was obviously Rachel Berry speaking from her mouth.

“You don't hate your little Brother, don't you?”

“Today I hate him. I don't destroy his toys. And he took her and tore her dress apart and laughed!”

More tears ran down her cheeks, followed by an ugly sobbing and she looked totally like a small version of Rachel Berry. This, though, wasn't helping him. A crying little girl? What should he do? For a second he thought about calling Blaine, who obviously had more experience but then he reminded himself that Blaine was busy with Daniel and, a little bit helpless he patted her head until he got an idea.

“Come, Sandra. We'll make a new dress for her, okay?”

And he saw it in her eyes, the little sparkle of curiosity and hope: “A new dress?”

“I create clothes, you know. Dresses, suits, anything.”

“You do!?” she jumped up and Kurt laughed, standing up and taking her hand: “Do you have an old dress you don't need anymore? And I'll look for the needles and threads?”

Sandra nodded and left the living room while Kurt looked for his utensils. After some minutes Sandra was back in the living room, showing proudly a white dress with a black flower pattern and Kurt eyed it: “But that's pretty!”

“Yes and Daniel ruined it! He can't eat he always throws stuff around and then he ruined my dress.”

“No sense in fashion that little boy,” Kurt joked but Sandra nodded and sat down next to him watching Kurt taking the dress and cutting a little bit out of it. With huge eyes she followed his movements and kept her mouth slightly open in amazement.

“You really can do that!”

“Thank you,” he blushed, took the puppet and the needle and thread. While focusing on his work Sandra watched him and just like kids were they asked what they wanted.

“Are you and uncle Blaine together again?”

Damn you Rachel Berry, he thought as he froze in his movement but quickly went back to his work.

“Mama told me you two were together for a long time.”

“That's true. But no, we are just friends.”

“Why? Don't you like uncle Blaine anymore?”

“I like uncle Blaine,” he said with a small smile: “But I guess you are too young to understand that.”

“I am not! Mama even said she wished you were together again.”

Damn you Rachel Berry, damn you Rachel Berry!

“But uncle Blaine can't make dresses. So you broke up? Because he can't?”

Kurt turned his head to her, saw the big brown eyes and the sheer curiosity and couldn't help himself but laugh. Kids had it easy. For them everything was just easy. They didn't like someone they avoided them. They didn't like apple juice they wouldn't drink it. Kids had it so easy he sometimes wished he could just be the same. Do the right thing and avoid the wrong.

“No. Anyway, what do you think?” he said showing her the new dressed puppet and Sandra cheered and jumped up.

“It's so pretty! THANK YOU!”

Kurt let her hug him before she jumped off the couch and admired the new dress Molly was wearing.

“Can you make a dress for me too!? Can you!?”

“Well, we should ask your mother.”

“I'll ask her! And if she says no I ask dad!”

“Wow, did I miss something?” Blaine asked, while Daniel slowly but surely drifted off to sleep in Blaine's arms.

“Look what uncle Kurt made!”

“Ssshh, Sandra. Daniel is falling asleep.”

“But look!” she ran to him, tugging on his cardigan and Kurt leaned over the couch, giggling silently while Blaine smiled at her, though, he for sure wanted to roll his eyes. Still, Blaine looked just right with those two kids, the same way Kurt imagined it – but without Rachel's kids. He often dreamed that, how Blaine would play with their kid, walk around and hold it and look just perfect. And somewhere... it hurt because this dream was just a dream.

“Can I watch the little mermaid now? You two are here and you promised to watch it with me,” Sandra asked and Blaine nodded slowly, smiling at her while Kurt put the needle and thread back to its place.

“I just bring your brother into his bed, okay? Meanwhile you can start the movie, okay?”

Sandra nodded, jumping to the TV in her pink pajama and hummed happily.

“Kurt?” Blaine asked and he slowly turned around, seeing how Blaine placed Daniel a bit higher on his shoulder and gave him a pleading look: “Could you hold him while I fix his bed?”

“Of course,” he said and felt his whole body turning weak and some excitement he didn't even try to fight against it. Taking Daniel into his arms he followed Blaine to the bedroom, already hearing the beginning of the little mermaid in the background. They walked upstairs, then turned right to the door with blue letters pinned against the wood which spelled Daniel. Inside he found a huge room and a baby bed right under the window. Nothing special, just a room for baby with cute planes on the wall. Blaine turned the night-lamp on, picking the toys out of Daniel's bed and back into his toy-box, pillow and blanket in place and then he took Daniel back into his arms, laying him gently into his bed and the blanket over his small figure. Just then he heard Blaine letting out a breath he probably held for too long and leaning against the bed, making sure he was still sleeping and Kurt stood across the baby, his hands around the white wood of the bed.

“I prefer them sleeping,” he whispered while he watched Daniel sleeping and heard Blaine chuckle.

“Yeah, probably the most favorite time for a parent.”

“I mean they are Rachel's kid so, perhaps they are just super noisy and other kids aren't.”

“Don't tell her that, she'll never forgive you.”

They both chuckled silently while Blaine picked up some toys from the ground and placed them to the other in the box back. This wasn't really his job but he was just so good at it, doing it like it was for his own kid and again, Kurt felt this pain and also guilt. Not only because they would never be daddies together but also because he avoided Blaine. Seeing him now, real and no anger or disappointment because Kurt excused himself over and over again spoke for Blaine. Dapper, gentleman Blaine he loved so much.

“I'm sorry, Blaine.”

“Huh?” he raised up, looking at Kurt who still kept his hand wrapped around the bar of the small bed, otherwise he thought his knees would give in.

“That I... avoided you.”

“When?”

“In the past days.”

Blaine blinked with confusion and stepped closer to Kurt, facing him and shaking his head: “You were busy, that's fine.”

It was for sure just an unconscious act by Blaine but seeing his hand holding the bar of the bed too, so close to Kurt's made him somehow dizzy. It took only some centimeters, he only needed to outstretch his fingers and would touch the warm skin. Maybe Kurt would feel a shiver running down his spine, maybe his knees would give in. His fingers remained where they were.

“I... I wasn't. I just needed some time alone, I guess.”

“You are okay now?”

Kurt nodded because now, yes, now he was okay with Blaine here with him, smiling at him because Kurt was alright and giving him this warm look... he wished Blaine could give him exactly this smile, this look everyday. After all he wished it was his reality, but reality was that this smile and this look belonged to Jason.

“You look good with kids. I always knew you'd be an awesome dad,” he said with the intention to change the topic, the strange tense atmosphere but it seemed like he made it only worse, talking about kids.

“It's fun, yes. But they are not my children.”

“No. Good for you, huh?”

Blaine chuckled: “Don't let Rachel hear that.”

“I won't,” Kurt sniggered and looked down at Daniel, then at their hands, still so dangerously close: “But it's true. Maybe we'd be parents too if... things were different.” Imagining being a father together with Blaine was easy. Imagining being a father with Garret was hard. While staying at home and taking care of the kid Garret would go out, work and come back late at night or after days, weeks. Although the idea of not having any kids at all was more real. Honestly, he didn't want to have kids if it meant to raise them up alone and with a man who was more focused on Kurt and even more on his work. Shaking his head slightly he looked back and Blaine, raising his eyebrows as he saw him biting his lower lip and then he opened his mouth, saying something that Kurt didn't understand at first.

“Jason asked me to marry him.”

Kurt said nothing, while Blaine looked back into his eyes, no joy, no warmth inside them.

“Actually... he asked me more than three times to marry me and I said no. Two weeks ago, I... I said yes.”

While his mind painfully tried to process what Blaine just said his eyes moved to his hands, seeing both of them but also both without a ring, while he felt the heavy weight of his own ring. Why... why was he talking about it like it was a bad thing? Why wasn't he happy about it? But more importantly...

“Why... why are you telling me this?”

Could it be that – eventually Kurt knew Blaine too well – that he didn't want to be engaged with Jason? Was he telling Kurt this so he would say no, don't do it? Honest to himself, he didn't want Blaine to be engaged. Being engaged meant to give a promise for, maybe one day we walk together to eternity. Being engaged meant to say no to anyone else who maybe wanted you. Being engaged meant Kurt lost more and more of Blaine. Yes, he lost Blaine little by little... again. No, this couldn't be happening. Well, sure, he wasn't losing him for real but knowing he was engaged scared him and slowly, painfully he understood why it hurt so bad. Why his ring suddenly felt so heavy around his finger, why he wanted to take Blaine and run away into a better life, once again. He still loved him. He loved him then and he loved him now. Just he same, just as deep.

Blaine shrugged slowly: “Maybe so... you can tell me not to?”

“I don't want you to,” Kurt breathed and Blaine's turned his head back up, staring at Kurt and they both just looked at each other, what felt like an eternity. Kurt wasn't sure who made the first step, but suddenly he felt Blaine's fingers touching his, him responding and exactly this happened what he thought would. A shiver ran down his spine, his knees turned weak and just this simple touch turned him into a puddle of goo, not able to have any control over his body. His breath left his body faster and same happened to Blaine as he looked back at him, seeing his eyes turning dark and then he closed the distance, taking Blaine by surprise as he pressed his lips against Blaine's. A short whimper escaped their mouths, breathing was even harder but he didn't care. Those lips, those warm familiar lips weren't on his for whole seven years and he forgot how good it felt to kiss him. Had it always felt this good? Yes, yes he remembered their kisses. The kisses which healed his heart and soul, kisses which made him smile, gave him comfort, made him feel loved. Right now this one simple kiss did all these things at once. No one, not even Garret made him feel all of this which Blaine could do so easily Kurt was fighting against the need to stay here forever. Kissing him forever, holding his hand forever. Pleading to his sanity – but there was none – he pulled back, their noses touching, breathless and burning from head to toe.

“Oh god...” he breathed almost inaudible and felt Blaine's hands resting on his waist.

“Don't stop... please,” and this time Blaine kissed him and Kurt welcomed his lips like an old friend, like an old love which was still there and growing once again. His heavy arms began to move, his hands cupping Blaine's face and keeping him close, kissing him back, no longer careful, no longer exploring but like he used to but better. His head slightly turned to the left side, his mouth opening and letting Blaine's tongue inside, running over his own tongue and making him almost moan.

“UNCLE BLAINE!”

They stopped kissing, eyes slowly moving to the still open door.

“UNCLE KURT! I'M WAITING!”

And remembering where they actually were both blushed deeply but still held each other, still kept each other close and trying to catch their breath. Carefully, looking back at each other Kurt smiled when Blaine began to smile and leaned against him, wrapping his arms around Kurt's body and nuzzling against his neck, his favorite spot Kurt thought. And Kurt took his favorite place, his arms around Blaine's shoulder and neck, holding each other for a while and feeling ridiculously happy well knowing this wasn't right, this wasn't a moment to be happy but to feel guilt. It was just that there was no time for this. He could feel guilt later.

“We should go back to her, or she'll turn into Rachel,” it was Blaine who said it while Kurt agreed and they let go from each other but – like ten years ago – Blaine held his fingers, not able to let him go, not wanting to let him go and Kurt wrapped his fingers around his hand, leaving the room.

 

* * *

 

They sat together with Sandra, singing along each song and making ridiculous faces. But soon the little girl rested her head on Blaine's lab, breathing evenly and clutching Molly close to her chest while Kurt smiled at the view and looked into those golden eyes when they found his, hearing the lyrics in the background to 'Kiss he girl' and Blaine mouthed the words but instead of girl he mouthed boy and Kurt giggled, remembering one movie night when Blaine sang this out loud and kissed Kurt each time they sang it. And who was he to not do it again, leaning over and placing another kiss on his lips but holding it. No tongue, nothing sloppy, just a sweet yet needed kiss. Though, there was no time for more or even think about what it meant because they heard the front door going open and Finn walked inside, first smiling and then staring at Kurt and Blaine with raised eyebrows and this unreadable expression he was so good at.

They stood up, while Finn took Sandra into her bed and said their good byes, leaving him alone with his look and walking quickly away from their house, making sure to also be far enough away from Tina's and Mike's house, not talking, not touching just walking and stopping near a playground and Blaine looked at Kurt, waiting for something. Beside all words had left Kurt's mind and he could only smile at Blaine who stepped closer, keeping his hands in his pockets.

“It's like... like seven years ago. Your kisses, I mean.”

Kurt blushed and Blaine closed the distance, kissing him once more, shortly and leaning his forehead against Kurt's.

“I don't want to marry him,” Blaine whispered.

“I know.”

“I want us, Kurt. I know I... I shouldn't want that. But you... you want that too, right?” he asked hopefully and Kurt nodded without hesitation and took Blaine's hands out of his pocket, holding them because he needed this.

“You still make me feel like the young boy I once was. You still make me feel complete,” he whispered, eyes closed and Kurt sighed because yes, yes Blaine made him feel the same way. Only he could do that. However, slowly, like a shadow reality came back, clouding his mind, his happiness and he swallowed the lump down.

“Are you sure, Blaine? Are you sure this is... real? Not just some old feelings we can't let go?”

“Are you sure?”

They squeezed their hands, almost too strong, knuckles white and Kurt tried to breath, to make any sense of his thoughts but it was impossible for him because there was just, Blaine, Blaine, Blaine.

“I... I don't know.”

Sensing how Blaine licked his lips, feeling how he had a hard time breathing they both just realized what was happening. How wrong it was what was happening.

“We... we should figure it out. I'm not sure... if I... I don't know what to do,” Kurt admitted and Blaine kissed him with the hope to calm him down. There was Garret in his head, the stuff Isabelle told him, the past days he was so restless, so tired and empty and Blaine made it all go away, with one kiss, with one smile but... Kurt was engaged, promised to marry Garret and if he knew, God if he knew what happened Kurt was sure he would turn Blaine's life into hell. Or maybe not but he would make sure that they couldn't see each other anymore. This was a risk he wasn't ready to take but leaving Garret, and Blaine leaving Jason? Once again he wished to be a kid and just decide to do the right thing. But he was no kid anymore.

“And I will wait, I will wait for you,” Blaine sang quietly, slowly and a bunch of memories ran through Kurt's head. Memories from the bar, memories from their school time when Blaine sang this song. Especially those ten year old memories when he sang that song in front of the whole school to fight for him. Kurt smiled, close to tears and knew what those meant.   
“And I will wait, I will wait for you. Now I'll be bold, as well as strong. And use my head alongside my heart.”

Kurt opened his eyes, blinking back the tears and saw Blaine smiling, felt his arms sliding around his body once again and his lips on his cheek.

“I'll wait and I'll help you. Whatever you decide to do.”

Kurt held him close, nodding, maybe he even said a thank you, maybe not but he one thing was clear for him inside the chaos his mind was. The right decision would be Blaine. It was and always would be his Blaine.

 


	15. Easier with you

Chapter 15. Easier with you

10 years ago – Lima – Ohio

School. Kurt never walked into this school with so many different feelings. First his usual self tried to dominate him, then he felt scared and then when he felt Blaine's fingers around his he turned calm. Since the whole school knew they were gay and both agreed on doing the right thing, Kurt didn't care about the looks or whispers. He needed to feel Blaine whenever he could and then he knew, he wouldn't do anything stupid. Walking inside they went to their lockers, pulling their books out and standing there, fingers still touching and waiting for the first bell.

“Don't try to snap at someone, okay?” Blaine said.

“Only when you won't get into some fights too.”

“I won't,” he simply answered and then they had to let go and Kurt felt suddenly very empty. Each class he spent his time with touching his fingers, imagining they were Blaine's and focusing on his teacher. When Tina tried to talk to him, or Rachel or anyone he perfectly ignored it. Their words were just noises somewhere far away. Right after each class he met Blaine at their lockers, asking if things were okay, reminding each other to stay away from trouble and during lunch they went outside, sitting somewhere with almost no one around them and holding hands, not ready to kiss in public. He kissed Blaine at home, when they went to sleep, when they woke up but he wasn't sure what it meant. What they were. Kurt only understood that he needed this and wanted this. In which way was still unclear. And also that he accepted it so easily, got used to it, needed Blaine close should have been confusing, alarming or scary. But it wasn't.

“We'll be alright, Kurt,” Blaine whispered to him whenever he could.

“I know, we promised it.”

And their first week at school – after staying at home for one week - was just like that. No fights, no detention, just them and their classes.

His life at home changed, of course. He was completely calm, helping, doing his homework and his Dad looked happier and just as calm as Kurt. When Kurt and Blaine came home they finished their homework. After that they helped Burt at work or cooked dinner together right at time when Burt came back from work. Whenever there was a football game on TV they sat down in the living room and watched it, while Kurt sat next to Blaine, closing his eyes and letting the feeling of Blaine's warmth envelope him. Their fingers never lost contact and it was like with each passing day, with each touch his soul and heart healed some more and his mind slowly, but surely was clear again. He'd never noticed how many dark thoughts and how much chaos clouded his mind and though it felt good it also demanded a lot of strength so that whenever Kurt could he and Blaine fell on his bed and took a nap. Always holding each other, sometimes sharing a kiss but most importantly he needed Blaine to hold him. Because he seemed to accept the change so easily, welcome it with open arms and let it happen. It seemed that way but soon Kurt noticed how hard it was for Blaine. One night he woke up from a nightmare, sweat running down his face, breathing hard and it took a while until he calmed down in Kurt's arms. Two times he even ran to the bathroom to puke and Kurt was right beside him, running soothing circles over his back.

They never talked much about what was going on in their heads. They both had no idea what was going on their heads. All they both shared was their promise and the closeness, holding each other so their hearts and souls wouldn’t break but heal slowly.

But not only this should be a change in Kurt's life.

Kurt sat there, staring at his dad and echoing his words over and over again. And the often he did it the more he dislike the words.

“She is really nice, Kurt. You'll like her.”

“She is Finn's mother, dad!”

Burt sighed and rubbed his forehead while Kurt stood up and stormed out of the kitchen heading to his room where Blaine was sitting and doing his homework. For him this like the worst thing ever. He didn't want a new mom and he for sure didn't want Finn as his brother. Of course he was thinking way too ahead but he couldn't help himself. Finn belonged to those who left him alone when he needed his friends and though he knew, it was his own fault that they had no idea what was going on he couldn't stop being who he was. Not around them, not around anyone but his dad and Blaine.

“Close that damn book,” Kurt grumbled and sat down on his bed, next to Blaine.

“Kurt, you know this doesn't work at me,” said Blaine but closed it anyway and turned around so he was facing Kurt, his fingers resting on Kurt's and gently touching them. A week had passed since their kiss. A week which changed his life inside his house completely. He always thought his dad would disagree that Blaine slept together with Kurt in one bed. The opposite happened, he was almost glad that this happened. He even thanked Blaine for some reason and Kurt just accepted it because he couldn't sleep without Blaine anymore. No matter how exhausting a day was, no matter how many fights they had during school – which were already less than usually – he looked forward to the time when he could fall asleep in Blaine's arms.

“Don't tell me you knew about it,” Kurt snapped and Blaine cocked his head.

“Knew what?”

“That my dad and Finn's mother are dating.”

“Uh... no. I didn't.”

Biting his lip and trying to stay calm he held Blaine's fingers and stared at them. He didn't want this to happen.

“Why are you so upset about that?”

“Finn is a jerk. When I needed him he wasn't there though we are both in Glee club at that time. And what if they stay together and decide to get married? I don't want him as my brother and I don't need a mother.”

Blaine moved closer and Kurt noticed this before but he did it again. It was easier for Blaine to accept the change in their life and deal with it than it was for Kurt.

“Your Dad deserves a partner too, Kurt. Just like you do.”

His head moved quickly to Blaine, eyes wide and lips pressed together into a thin line. Partner? Was Blaine telling him they were partners? Like boyfriends? Or...

“Are... are we that?”

“What?” Blaine asked and Kurt could tell he had no idea what he was talking about.

“Partners.”

“You... you want us to be?”

For a while they just stared at each other, eyes unsure and Kurt broke their eyecontact, looking down at their fingers and running them over Blaine's palm. Was this what he wanted? Feeling enough so they could try this? Just because they kissed and cuddled and kept each other calm and away from trouble? His heart didn't beat fast when Blaine was close to him, at least not in that way he imagined it to be in love with someone. It only got out of control when Blaine wasn't around, when he lost his hand to guide him through life.

“I don't know. I think... we just... we just need each other until we... we can handle everything alone?”

Blaine hummed, slowly nodding and something was off, Kurt could tell.

“I guess.”

Weeks passed by quickly and Christmas was almost there. Which made Kurt excited and Blaine miserable. Though the reason was unknown for Kurt. They both did well, really. Blaine wasn't drinking, stealing or fighting. Kurt wasn't fighting either. They both were too focused on each other, to focused on fixing things that something got ignored. Kurt found it out when he was listening to his dad and Blaine talking in the living room.

“You should call them, Blaine. Hear me out,” Burt spoke while Blaine wanted to stand up and probably walk away: “I'm not telling you this so you can fix things. I know you don't want that. But you are their son and they are responsible for your well being. You are only here because they were fine with it.”  
“Of course they were fine with it. They don't want me. Their fagot son,” he said it with so much disgust that Kurt needed to wrap his hands around something so he wouldn't just run inside.

“It's not your fault. I know you are tired of hearing it and I know that you know it. But you probably don't understand what it really means, Blaine. You know, the first time I heard that you and Kurt hang out to together, I was worried. Worried sick, I won't lie to you because you know what you were doing.”

“I'm sorry...”

“But I got the chance to get to know you. And now I see a boy who is trying and doing better. Just like Kurt. I won't say I understand what you two are going through or what it feels like to be judged for who you two are. But I see how much it hurts you both and all the anger you feel, now that I know what is going on. People can be mean and blind and all we can do is stay strong and close to those who care about us, who love us. And I do care about you, Blaine. You helped my son so much I will always be grateful for that.”

He heard Blaine sniff, felt his own eyes burning and pressed his lips together to make no noise. Then he heard movements, leaned over and looked inside seeing his dad sitting next to Blaine and he smiled when he saw how Blaine didn't flinch, didn't try to run away or yell when Burt squeezed his shoulder. He was really moving on, doing better, trying so hard that he felt proud of him.

“You should call them and tell them what you think. Let it be a closure. They need to support you, need to make sure you are doing okay.”

“I don't... I don't want their money...”

“I know you don't but you need it.”

Blaine was miserable because he had no money. He was fighting against the urge to steal again. Kurt's dad offered him some payment for the work but Blaine didn't want that because Burt let him live with them. When they were done talking Kurt was already back in his room, waiting for Blaine but pretending to read a book as he heard the door going open and saw an exhausted and pale Blaine with red eyes and falling into Kurt's open arms when he reached Kurt. His arms held Blaine safe and close, letting him cry silently until they both fell asleep. The next day Blaine called his parents after the fifth time of trying but not doing it. Kurt was sitting right next to him and holding his hand. First Blaine didn't get out much, then he was yelling and shaking and then they were silent again. It was easier for him to talk to his mother and they agreed on giving Blaine the money the saved for college and pay for the time he lived with Kurt and Burt. After that Blaine could sleep again, wasn't miserable anymore and smiled so much, because he was no burden and didn't need to go back to them. It was no real closure, not at all, but at least Blaine could work with that and figure it out later. But, Kurt felt how something else changed.

Something deep inside him but he wasn't ready to think about or say it. While Blaine was doing just fine Kurt was still unsure about how to deal with his friends. Of course he understood that it was also his fault that they didn't help him. They couldn't because he wasn't saying anything to them. But he learned to stay quiet after his dad had a heart attack and didn't want to worry him and maybe cause a second one because people were rude and stupid. While his mind became clearer and clearer he remembered how it really began. First there was the bullying, than people constantly judging him for his love for musicals and fashion, for his voice, his style and as he came out it got worse. Waiting that things would change for the better it got worse and waiting for his friends to notice they were completely oblivious. Not because they didn't want to see it. The bullies made sure no one would see it and being a teenager was hard for them all. All the changes with your body, school, feelings. Kurt needed to say one word and it would have been all it needed to make his friends understand. But it was already too late and he had no idea how to fix the stuff he said to them or anything at all. He shut down completely and treated the world like it treated him. It was so hard for him that, when his dad told him Carole and Finn would come over for Christmas he was furious and left the house, Blaine following him.

“Kurt! Wait up!” Blaine called after him, running through the snow covered street and when he reached Kurt he stood still, hands turned into fists and shaking.

“Hey, calm down,” whispered Blaine and faced Kurt, caressing his red cheeks with his fingers and watching the angry tears falling.

“I don't... I don't want that. It's... it's not fair.”

“Kurt... we talked about this.”

But he only shook his head and began to cry more and more and Blaine wrapped his arms tightly around his trembling body and tried to calm him down with kind words, with some kisses on his cheek. After a while, when Kurt stopped crying and held Blaine's hand they walked down the street, Kurt not ready to go back and face his dad. Why was it so easy for Blaine, he thought. Blaine, who used to yell at him and wince whenever he tried to touch him. Blaine who was ready to end his life because it was just too hard to deal with it. Why was he, who went through so many bad things, so easily accepting and working on this change?

“Feeling better?” Blaine asked him gently, a small smile dancing on his lips.

“You... somehow know how to make me feel better.”

“Want to talk about your dad?”

And Kurt nodded slowly, looking up and seeing they'd reached the town and smelled Christmas was all around. People stood at the small huts, buying hot chocolate or sweets and Blaine made him sit on a bench, saying he'll buy them both some hot chocolate and then they could talk. Agreeing Kurt waited for him, trying to sort out his mind and smiled when Blaine came back with two paper cups. The warmth hurt on his cold fingers but slowly it was soothing and just then he noticed how cold he was. Taking a sip he turned his head, looking at Blaine and sighed.

“I... I want my dad to be happy, you know.”

“I know.”

“It's just... we are getting better. We are... working things out and I... I'm not ready for this. I want my dad to be there for us. Just us. But with a girlfriend?”

His friend nodded slowly, taking a sip from his chocolate and looked down at his feet.

“I don't know how it feels, Kurt. My parents stopped caring about me a long time ago and it was only me. Your dad... he is helping us. That's true. Yet a month can't fix what has been broken years ago. I like you dad, I'll be forever grateful. But... I understand him, you know? He is your dad, yes, and you are his son and he loves you and wants the best for you. But he is also human, with feelings, with friends. He will meet people over and over again, just like we will and this time he fell for a person and it's not only who need support, Kurt. Your dad also.”

Staring at Blaine he slowly understood what he was saying and what he couldn't see. He never got the chance to see it because his dad was always there for him, always making sure Kurt was okay while Kurt didn't. Not always.

“We think our parents are strong. We think adults can deal with everything. But even they need help, someone who cares about them and loves them. And I think after all these years, after all this time of being there for you completely he deserves it but more over, he needs it. He'll be always there for you and I doubt your dad would fall for a bad woman. I think, if you let it happen Carole will be supporting you too.”

“And Finn? He won't like it and we don't come along. Whenever I'm near him I can feel how uncomfortable he is. Like... he is afraid I would do something to him because... because I'm gay. Because I had... a crush on him.”

“You did?” asked Blaine with wide eyes and open mouth.

“Yeah... well. A long time ago but I'm over it. It's just... I don't want us fighting. It won't help me.”

“They are just together, Kurt. They are not engaged or talking about marriage. Give your dad a chance, let him... enjoy this. He has the best in mind for you. And you won't be alone. I'll be with you and if it's too much we can just leave and go to your room, okay?”

Whenever Kurt listened to him, the new Blaine, the Blaine with a clear mind and showing how smart he actually was and how much he cared about other people, how much empathy he could use it hit him. Blaine was really moving on, really taking this serious and just so... so easily.

“Why... do you know all this? Why do you make so much sense suddenly?”

“I've always been like that,” he laughed and leaned back, holding his cup with a warm smile: “I just... you know, I wanted to ruin myself.”

“But... you... you accept all of this so easily. Like all the change. You don't fight, you don't steal, you don't yell at me when I touch you. It seems so... so easy for you.”

Waiting for a long explanation, for some kind of advice he eyed him, staring at his lips, the small smile and heard him humming.

“It's easy because I have you. You are... the first person who cares about me. Me, not the person I wanted people to believe I am. You just care about me and that makes it so easy for me.”

“Oh...” Kurt said and looked quickly away when he felt his cheeks beginning to burn.

Christmas was just fine and Kurt had to admit that Carole was pretty awesome and really nice. She treated him like any other and not by what she heard about him. Also that she was good for his dad, but of course he wasn't ready to say that out loud. With Finn it was something different. While they sat together and ate dinner, Burt, Carole and Blaine talking about something Finn shoot him unsure looks and Kurt glared back, trying to tell him that he was over him. The atmosphere between them was tense, only making the anger Kurt felt grow bigger and bigger and before he explode Blaine leaned close to him, asking him quietly if he was okay and Kurt would just forget everything, turn his head to look at Blaine with hooded eyes and nod, trying not to blush. After Christmas followed the New Year and both didn't feel like going somewhere or celebrate. For them it was not the right time to celebrate anything because there was still a long way to go. Though, laying on his bed with Blaine was probably the best New Years Eve he ever had so far. He liked to lay with Blaine on his bed, hold him, kiss him and smile with him. He liked to feel Blaine's hands caressing his face, his arm, ever so gently and careful and Kurt liked to give the same back. One thing that changed was his heart and that he couldn't stop the blush. Whenever he felt his cheeks burning he made sure to hide it by looking away, going to the bathroom or hiding his face in the crook of Blaine's neck. His heart beat was something he couldn't hide or control and either Blaine ignored it or didn't feel it, Kurt was glad he never mentioned it.

Back at school Kurt wished he could turn back the time and live through his Christmas break once more. Being back there made him angry again, tense and he couldn't figure out how to stop feeling like this. If it was easy for Blaine because he had Kurt, why couldn't it be the same for Kurt? He had Blaine at his side whenever he could and it was truly the only time he didn't feel the need to snap at someone. Expecting to have Blaine around him all the time was unrealistic and he knew that, but sometimes he exactly wished this was the case.

“Kurt! I just wanted to tell you that I'm happy you are doing good!” it was Rachel who suddenly stood next him, smiling bright and happy and he closed his locker and gave her his usuall look. Annoyance, ignorance and coldness.

“Happy? For what?” he snapped.

“Uh... for... you and Blaine doing good. You seem happy when-”

“Since when do you care about my happiness?”

“I always cared Kurt,” she answered and all the happiness was gone and confusion took place on her face.

“Always?” Kurt tried not to laugh: “No one cared. No one. We've been together in Glee club and whenever I got there looking miserable you just all ignored it. You all. So don't lie to me and tell me you care.”

“Kurt, we do. We always did. But you have to admit, you aren't easy to us. You-”

Facing her he smacked the maps and books she was holding off her hands, ignoring how they covered the floor on the hallway and ignoring the gasps, looks and eyes on them.

“So it's my fault?” he almost yelled while Rachel took a step backwards: “It's my fault that people shove me against lockers? Call me names? Make my life miserable because I'm not what they expect me to be? Because I'm gay?”

“Of course not, Kurt. We don't judge you for-”

“No! But you obviously don't care! You all are just ignoring what is happening!”

“Woah!”

Kurt couldn't control himself or his voice or the burning anger he was feeling. Only when he heard Blaine's voice his mind slowly walked back to reality, to this place where sanity and no clouds controlled his mind.

“What's going on?” he asked when he stood right next to Kurt and his fingers gently touched Kurt's, letting him feel he was here. This was all Kurt needed to breath again, to realize what he just did. Slowly, with shame in his eyes he turned around and Blaine wrapped his arms tightly around him, whispering he was going to be fine and telling Rachel to go. Picking up her stuff he gave him a worried look but Blaine only shook his head, listening to the silent sobs from Kurt.

“We'll be alright, Kurt. It's okay.”

“I don't understand it. I try... I really try but whenever I see them I just get so angry,” Kurt whispered when the lights were already out and both in his bed.

“Maybe... you should tell them what happened. Make them understand and know what happened,” Blaine suggested while he ran his fingers through Kurt's hair.

“But it won't change what happened.”

“No. But, maybe, it will help you. Explain and listen to them. I know they are good people, Kurt.”

It took them another week until they both agreed to do that and Kurt sat there, with the whole Glee club – holding Blaine's hand – and explaining what happened. The bullies, the looks, the things that happened when no one was around and how much it hurt him that no one seemed to notice anything. They sat there for an hour, maybe more and in the end they shared some tears together, hugged and promised Kurt to be there for him but he needed to tell them when something happened. This didn't solve anything or change anything. Only the anger he felt was almost gone and it was easier to look at his friends as friends. Sure he still snapped at them but he made progress. After each outburst he apologized and his friends gave him a smile, saying there was no need to be worried and Blaine, his amazing friend Blaine, who made him blush and his heart race told him, everyday after school, how proud he was. They both even agreed to join Glee club together with the people who helped them, let them be and also music was an important part for both of them. Of course not everyone was fine with them, especially Blaine and Santana had their struggles but he managed to ignore her comments. But it helped, it helped a lot to be with them but they never asked for help, never talked about their struggles again. This was only meant for Kurt and Blaine to share and even if he had to explain what they both were, how they helped each other Kurt knew he couldn't. Things were fine as they were and as long as Blaine was with him he knew, he would make it through this year. Though, one morning – it was still dark outside -, when Kurt just opened his eyes and saw the snow falling down on a Saturday morning in February he felt Blaine waking up too and pulling him into a gentle kiss. They'd shared many kisses, some were to calm the other down, some for support, some for remembering the other he wasn't alone and some just happened. But with each kiss Kurt felt more and more how it did something else to him. Moved him, touched him, made him giddy for some reason and also shy. On this Saturday morning, when Blaine kissed him and he kissed him back Kurt felt it all over again. It was just that this time, when he felt Blaine's lips on his, when he opened his mouth and let their tongues out it took his breath away, doing funny things to his body and dizzy, so dizzy. Blaine pulled back, leaving them both breathless and swallowed, his forehead leaning against Kurt's and eyes closed. Not moving, just trying to catch his breath he waited for Blaine to do something, say something but he never expected to hear those words from his friend.

“I love you.”


	16. Anything for you

 

Chapter 16. Anything for you

 

Cheating. Cheating is often considered as something negative. Why do people cheat? Some people don't tolerate cheating, like at all. Some people try to look for reasons. Some people understand the reasons. It's a hard topic to discuss and Kurt and Blaine faced it for the first time in their life.

 

Obviously, kissing someone like they did is cheating because they didn't kiss their significant other. They spent another hour at the playground, leaning against a tree and just kissing without saying something. They didn't need to say something. Not when you kissed your soulmate. Which Blaine was for Kurt and always would be. He wanted to feel shame, or guilt, anything bad because he cheated on his fiance but he couldn't. Garret was still and Paris and wouldn't be back for another week so he was allowed to smile, grin and be happy as much as he wanted to be. Soon after his high he fell into a dark hole, thinking what the fuck he should do now. At first he tried to understand what happened in a sane way, or at least with some logic. Blaine was all his firsts, first kiss, his first boyfriend, first time and the first person he lived together with. He was the one who helped Kurt out of his misery and always, always supported him. After three years they broke up because both were too young and still getting to know themselves. Being unhappy made Blaine unhappy, until they slowly broke apart and for seven years they haven't seen each other. There was never a real closure and he never stopped feeling something for Blaine. Probably he never even stopped loving Blaine. Hiding and ignoring was not the same as stopping. So, was it really surprising that he kissed him? The person he never stopped loving and never forgot?

Not for Kurt.

But he met Garret, he fell in love with him and said yes to marrying him. I love Garret, Kurt thought. However, he knew if this was true he wouldn't have done what he did. Then he thought about if he was unfair. Not only were all these feelings confusing but also what Isabelle told him about his fiance and how Garret sometimes behaved at home – especially when he came back from his trips. Not to mention the many, many times he dragged Kurt down and told him he wasn't good enough to become a designer, just yet. Quickly he crossed this point out of his mind and told himself, no, his fiance was probably right because he was working longer as a designer and had more experience. Still, some support wouldn't hurt.

It was just that... maybe he was scared. Scared that it would break all over again. Who said, that, what he and Blaine felt now was real? Though Garret had some bad characteristics he always made sure Kurt had everything he wanted. He helped him to love again, helped him to give love a try and Kurt was sure, so sure he would never feel for Blaine all this again, said yes because Garret was just perfect. Yes, he had been and Kurt felt like he needed to be grateful until his dying day, needed to marry him to show him that he meant it. And perhaps, if it was true what Isabelle told him Garret would need Kurt, sooner or later. Maybe he had some problems, things he couldn't talk about and tried to solve them without Kurt and then, if Kurt decided to break up with him? It truly scared him to think what the result would be and his feeling told him it would be a bad, very bad result.

 

But, was it his place to decide what was good or bad for his fiance? Of course he wanted him to be safe and happy and Garret did a great job doing this for himself. Kurt always knew him as the person who could take care of himself and make himself happy. There was basically no one who could force Garret to do something and he never let that happen. That was not what his father taught him and Kurt knew Garret's father. He was rich, high class business man and taught his son to work hard and never let anyone rule over his life. And they both had this ability to make people do what they wanted them to do. Compared to his father Garret was not that bad but still, it was exhausting at times to be around him. And this drinking stuff? Obviously it was something Garret decided to do and Kurt wondered why. Something was up, for sure, and he, as his fiance should be at his side no matter what, right?

It was just that Blaine... his Blaine. His lovely Blaine who could do so much more, make Kurt feel so much more with one look, one smile Garret was never able to do. It hurt to realize all of this, to face all of this that had been ignored and forgotten for so long. That was what he wanted, a relationship with equality. A partner who needed him just as much as Kurt needed his partner. A partner who could make him feel so many things with a look, who made compromises, who stepped away when he needed time and space. Someone like Blaine.

 

After two nights of no sleep and no longer being able to think straight he decided to talk to Isabelle. She was the only person he knew was not biased because she never met Blaine and never saw them as a couple. Sure, she knew Garret but he also knew how much life experience she had, how her words were words of wisdom and always had the best in mind for him. Just like his dad, who was another person he maybe should call at some point and ask for advice. Burt Hummel, his amazing father who welcomed Garret but also was part of the ship Blaine and never really left it. When they broke up his dad was so sad and tried to talk some sense into his head. Though, Kurt was just stubborn and too young to listen to him and understand it.

 

* * *

 

Drinking his third coffee Kurt left Garret's office (with two mugs) and walked down the long hallway to Isabelle's office and saw her working at her laptop. Blue eyes scanned the screen, her finger running over her bottom lip and though she looked so fragile he knew just how strong this woman was. Waiting a bit longer and deciding to stop creeping at the door he knocked against the white wood of the door frame and smiled when she looked up, giving him a smile in return.

“It's time for a break,” he said walking inside, closing the door behind him and watched her pulling back from her laptop and dragging the chair around so she could sit across him.

“That's sweet, thank you,” Isabelle smiled as Kurt handed her the mug and sat down, giving her a look and she raised both eyebrows.

“I know that look. Spill.”

With a sigh he sat down, knowing too well there was no way to go back now or even lie about what had happened. Also, he needed to get this all out before he got insane with the mess inside his head.

“Something happened and I'm... I'm unsure what to do.”

He watched her eyes going wide and how one horrific thought after another ran through her mind and he quickly shook his head: “It's nothing bad. Not really.” Well, that depended on the way how a person put it and each stranger would say it was bad because Kurt and Blaine cheated.

“I... Blaine and I kissed,” he let it out and Isabelle chocked on her coffee, eyes almost falling out of her head and then a huge smile stretched over her face.

“For real?”

Kurt nodded, almost blushing and finding it pretty cute how a woman in her age could look so young and react like a kid.

“But you are still with Garret, right?”

“I am and... that's why I'm so... I honestly don't know how I feel or what to do.”

She hummed her understanding, taking another sip just to do something but never taking her eyes away from Kurt who bit his lip nervously. Of course she wasn't mad at him, of course not. If Isabelle had any say in his relationship Kurt and Garret wouldn't be together anymore.

“You talked about that?”

“Kind of... we both want to... to go back like it was before. Without the bad stuff of course but we... or I'm not sure if this is real what I feel. We never had the chance to talk about stuff.”

“No. You two didn't see or call each other for seven years.”

Kurt shook his head: “No. I guess we both just kind of... ignored our feelings and met other people during that time. And now everything comes back. Especially when he told me he is engaged with his boyfriend but doesn't want to marry him.”

Isabelle held the coffee she just drank in her mouth and had a hard time swallowing it down.

“I know what you think. I can't believe this is my life right now. But I honestly don't know what to do.” He sighed, exhausted from all his thoughts and ran a hand down his face.

“Well, I know for fact that you are no cheater. I know you would never cheat on Garret or anyone but this Blaine guy must be someone really special to you.”

He was Kurt's everything. Blaine was his past, his present and once he even was his future. A future Kurt loved to dream about and really could see it, while with Garret everything was just a blur. It had been so easy to imagine living with Blaine, getting married and have children one day but now it was so hard for him although he knew he wanted that. But only because he wanted that meant not that it was the right thing to do. Not with Garret and Jason involved. Ugh, Jason, a thought he hadn't paid much attention to. Blaine told him that Jason asked him over and over again to marry him and Kurt knew Jason was a good guy, a good boyfriend but together with someone who didn't... really love him. He still had no idea why Blaine said yes to Jason – a thing he should probably ask but after their kisses he and Blaine didn't meet again. He wasn't avoiding Blaine, they were texting but never, never about what happened. I'll wait, Blaine promised and Kurt knew him and that he would never push Kurt.

“He is, I can't deny it. Still, I'm engaged and after what you'd told me Garret will probably need me.”

“Need you? Why is that?”

“He obviously has some problems. He doesn't drink himself into oblivion, never. But something is wrong and I... I care about him and I... love him in some way.”

“I understand,” she sighed: “Maybe he has some problems, Kurt. Maybe. But, since we are honest here I doubt that. You know Garret better than I do, still we both know he does what he wants to do. Also, you know what I think about the two of you and what I wish you would do.”

Kurt nodded slowly, looking down and feeling, like always uncomfortable. Isabelle always mentioned the good things, the talent he had and how she wished he would finally apply for becoming a designer. He knew all of that but he couldn't do it. Garret said no so he was right. He knew this job and if Kurt could make it. Why should he apply now and get a refusal? This would hurt even more and make him feel more insecure. He looked up as he felt her slim fingers taking his hands and saw the worried smile and she blue, oh so old eyes.

“I cheated, Isabelle,” he almost sobbed but not because he cheated. Not because of that.

“You still love Blaine, hm?”

Kurt nodded, trying not to cry: “He... he makes me complete. He always did. But there are seven years we spent without the other and I... I just don't know if this is real or what to do. I'm... I'm engaged, Isabelle and I know Garret will be hurt and... angry.”

Maybe he was scared but not ready to admit it. Who was scared of his own fiance? The person who was supposed to make you feel good and not scared. But Kurt was scared, so scared that he was ready to stay with Garret just to not let anything bad happen. Though, he would regret it. Everything and be unhappy for the rest of his life.

“Listen, Kurt. Only you can know what to do or how you feel. I can't help you with that. But I'll support you and protect you, no matter what you decide to do.”

Protect him? He blinked in confusion and she squeezed his hands once again: “I see that you are... scared. I don't know why but you are but it has nothing to do with you and Blaine.”

“I don't know either,” he lied.

“Think about it, but especially, talk to Blaine. Figure it out.”

Yes, Kurt wanted to do that, he needed to do that. It was just that he wasn't sure what would happen if they meet again. More kisses? More promises? More cheating? It wasn't that hard to imagine that this would actually happen, Blaine only needed to smile at him and Kurt was ready to do anything with Blaine.

 

* * *

 

Isabelle was the only one who knew what happened. The only one except Kurt and Blaine. There was no way he could tell their friends about it or anyone else. Rachel would tell them to break up with their boyfriends and get back together, just like all his other friends. For them they were always Kurt and Blaine and he was sure they thought they would be Kurt and Blaine again. They probably thought it now too after they've met again. Not because their friends didn't like Jason or Garret. Some things were just meant to be and Kurt, even after those seven years knew he and Blaine were meant to be. Still, meant to be was not determined to actually happen or that it should happen. He knew many of those tragic love stories where a couple was meant to be but they couldn't be. Maybe he and Blaine were one of those couples and this thought made him sick. Why did it suck so bad to be an adult? Kids had it so much easier with their decisions, with their thoughts and didn't really think about it. They not always knew if they hurt someone or not, or if what they did is wrong or right. Those were things they'd figure out while becoming older and Kurt was older, at the point when he needed to focus on everybody around him and not only about himself. Taking his drink into his bedroom he lay down on his bed and pulled his phone out. Thinking and ending up in a mess of thoughts wasn't helping so he decided to be the adult he was and face things slowly.

 

**Kurt 9:48pm:**

_Why does it feel so wrong texting you?_

 

**Blaine 9:49pm:**

_It shouldn't. It really shouldn't. Don't feel that way._

 

**Kurt 9:51pm:**

_I'm smiling though._

 

**Blaine 9:51pm:**

_Because of me? ;)_

 

**Kurt 9:52pm:**

_No. I'm watching Downton Abbey._

 

**Blaine 9:53pm:**

_:(_

 

**Kurt 9:53pm:**

_I can see u pouting, Anderson._

 

**Blaine 9:54pm:**

_And usually you would kiss it away._

 

Kurt stared at his phone, read the message over and over again and thought how right he was.

 

**Blaine 9:56pm:**

_Sorry..._

 

**Kurt 9:57pm:**

_It's okay bc I know I would do that. I wish I could..._

 

**Blaine 10:00pm:**

_I really miss kissing you, Kurt. I know I said I'll wait but I can't stop thinking about it, thinking about u._

 

Kurt sighed not sure if he should smile or cry.

 

**Kurt 10:02pm:**

_Me too and that's why I'm texting you. I want to... 'talk' about it._

 

**Blaine 10:03pm:**

_Are you alone? I can call u._

 

**Kurt 10:03pm:**

_Are u alone?_

 

**Blaine 10:04pm:**

_No. But Jason isn't here. He's in his room._

 

**Kurt 10:06pm:**

_Then no. I don't want u to get into more trouble._

 

**Blaine 10:07pm:**

_Kurt, u aren't putting me into trouble. I put myself into this. Don't worry though I know u do it anyway. But know this, Kurt. I want u and I know this is real. I'll break up with him as soon as u decide what to do._

 

It was like all these years ago just a different situation. Blaine was so sure about what he wanted and what he needed to do, what would be the right thing for him. He admitted to be ready to break up his boyfriend and be with Kurt. Just like when they were only teenagers, exploring their new life, their feelings. He never truly understood how Blaine made it, accepting change and dealing with it in a way that he just knew. For Kurt it was never so easy. Never. He struggled and struggled and Blaine always helped him to get the right way conscious or unconscious. Just this one time they couldn't help each other.

 

**Kurt 10:10pm:**

_It's always so easy for u. You always know what to do._

 

**Blaine 10:13pm:**

_Not always, Kurt. But when it's about you I know what I want. I told you ten years ago and I say it again: It's easy because I have you._

 

 

Kurt smiled, feeling a stinging behind his eyes and blinked the tears away.

 

**Kurt 10:16pm:**

_I wish we'd never broke up._

 

He sniffed, his fingers began to tremble and he tried everything to just stay calm and text Blaine back, tell him what was running through his head.

 

**Kurt 10:19pm:**

_I wish we were still together or at least had seen each other over the past seven years. I know things would be different but I'm engaged, I'm supposed to marry Garret and then there is u and us and I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to rush into something that is, maybe, not real._

 

Kurt got no answer and wasn't sure if this was a reason to be worried or not. Maybe he hurt Blaine with saying he wasn't sure if this was even real? Then he felt his phone vibrating and saw Blaine's name. Taking a shaking breath he waited, calming down and picking up.

“Don't cry,” Blaine said and he could hear cars in the background and Kurt's answer was a sob.

“I don't like it when you cry. It hurts me.”

Kurt almost laughed but only gave a small giggle and wiped his tears away. It was really like all these years ago when they both just began to be boyfriends. Therefore Kurt was even more unsure if this was real or not.

“It's just... it's like ten years ago. Your words, what we do and I'm not sure if I just want that time back or... if it's really happening.”

He heard more cars, people speaking. Blaine was outside, walking through the city.

“Funny, huh?”

“I don't know if there is something to laugh about, Blaine,” but Kurt smiled.

“No. Not really. But I know this is real, Kurt.”

If only he knew if it was. He really wished to know if this was true or not.

“Do you want me to come over? To talk?”

“I... I don't know if this is a good idea. I can't promise to be a sane person around you.”

He heard Blaine humming and it was easy to imagine his smile.

“We don't have to see each other,” he spoke as the noise in the background slowly faded: “I told you I'll wait and I'll help you, if you let me.”

“I know... I know, Blaine. I just... like I said, I don't want to hurt anyone.”

“And I don't want to push you, Kurt. But, just ask yourself this. Who are you hurting? Right now, who are you... we hurting?”

Kurt leaned back against his pillows, taking his drink into his hand and watching the brown liquor.

“Us.”

“And this shouldn't be happening. I know you... care about Garret. I care about Jason too. But someone will get hurt. It will be either us or them and to be honest I don't want you to be one of them. I'm not heartless I'm just being... true to my heart. I know I can't be with him just to make him happy. It will ruin me and then it will ruin Jason and me because I can't... I can't feel for him how I feel about you.”

This sounded so easy, so simple and Blaine was following those words. He did it so easily that Kurt literally felt jealous.

“I know I'm one to talk because I'm still with him. I actually should break up with him right away. But I know I will it's just... we are adults now and it sucks so...”

“Blaine,” Kurt spoke and heard Blaine stop breathing: “Can you... promise me something before I tell you what I think.”

“What's that?”

“Don't... break up with him. Not until I decide what to do.”

“Kurt... please. I can't be with him. Even if you decide to... not to..” Blaine swallowed, Kurt could imagine it so easily and he felt a lump in his throat too.

“I just.... can't. It feels so wrong kissing him.”

“I'm not leaving Garret, Blaine.”

Blaine was silent, probably standing still, eyes wide and staring at nothing.

“At least not yet or soon... I don't know. I just... I want to be sure, Blaine. I need to be sure,” and it tasted like a lame excuse for Kurt. His life with Garret was easily described, the things that made him unhappy longer than the things which made him happy. Isabelle told him over and over again, never directly but always implied that Kurt deserved someone better than Garret.

“A secret relationship? An affair, Kurt? Are we this kind of people?”

Oh, this made it sound even more awful and wrong as it already was.

“That's not what I'm saying. I... I just want to be sure.”

“Which means we need to see each other, face to face. I for one can say it will be hard for me to not kiss you or hold you.”

Kurt bit his lower lip, drifting to the memories of Blaine's lips, hands and body, the only place he felt complete.

“It... it'll be hard for me too. But don't... don't do it, Blaine. If you break up he'll blame me, blame you and maybe even call you a liar because you told him it wasn't about me that you two had a hard time.”

“So you are saying we'll both pretend nothing happened and just... lie? Lie to the people we'll probably will hurt anyway?”

He truly couldn't believe that he was there, at such a point in his life when he thought about being with Blaine in secret officially staying with Garret. He couldn't believe he was ready to lie, to pretend and to hide. Yes, Blaine was right, they would hurt people, at some point they just would and right now he and Blaine were hurt.

“You know, you are right about that he'll blame you and me. That's true but I rather hurt him now instead of giving him hope and then hurt him even more.”

He cared so much, Kurt thought, Blaine cared so much about Jason and Kurt accepted it so easily to pretend and lie to Garret. Because he wanted Blaine, more than anything but he was scared. Scared of his fiance.

“I know that's not... you, Kurt. You aren't like that.”

“Blaine,” he sobbed but swallowed the words down. He couldn't admit it and even if he admitted it that he was scared of his own fiance, he couldn't say why. He had no reason, nothing but just a feeling that was eating his soul. A bad, cold feeling.

“Don't cry, please don't cry,” he said and then Kurt heard the doorbell and wiped his eyes dry.

“There is someone, I'll be right back.”

Trembling lips, cold air running through his lungs he stood up, trying to calm down, not to cry anymore and left the bedroom, walking through the corridor and opening the door just to see Blaine there. His eyes... it was enough to see his eyes and Kurt knew he wanted him, he needed him. There was no one else in this life - in his life before and even in the next life - he wanted more than Blaine. It was so clear, so easy to understand when he saw his eyes, how they were able to look into his soul, his heart and heal it. Without any words he let Blaine walk inside, closing the door as he did so and looking at him. When he wasn't there Kurt went crazy, so crazy that he almost thought it was just like in the past seven years. Blaine was somewhere but not here. He was somewhere, doing something without Kurt and not here, with him. Who knew where he lived, what he was doing and if he was married or even a father. Or maybe, was he waiting for him? Those were question Kurt asked himself over the seven years and even now, when he didn't see him. But he was there, looking at Kurt, wiping his tears away from Kurt's cheek and smiling warmly.

“What's wrong, Kurt? Why are you crying? Shouldn't you be happy? Happy that you maybe found what you need?”

Kurt sucked on his lower lip, trying not to say it out loud and make Blaine upset for – maybe – no reason. Though, there was nothing he could do to fool Blaine. For him he was an open book and though the letters were blurry, Blaine knew something was up. Something wasn't right and Kurt didn't talk about it.

“Because I am, Kurt. I found you, again and I won't let you go as long as I have just the smallest chance to get you back.”

Sobbing he fell into Blaine's arms, felt his lips on his cheek and his strong arms holding him close. His hands were warm, painting the patterns which healed him, giving him the warmth so his heart wouldn't turn into stone. Why couldn't he be the kid? Just do what he wanted to, what he needed to and leave everyone and everything else? No, he was an adult, coming up with his lame excuses, with building up walls and waiting. Waiting for something he had no idea what it was.

“Kurt,” Blaine whispered.

“Hm?” humming in return Kurt blinked back his tears.

“I don't know what happened in the past seven years and I don't know why you ask me for something like this. But, please, remember, whatever it is, whatever you need, talk to me. Just like we used to. You know what happened as we didn't do that.”

“I know... I try. I just.... I need you, Blaine. I need you so much to... to figure this out. I know it might be weak and...”

“It's not weak. Don't think that. You have your reasons.”

It almost broke his heart how much Blaine gave Kurt. How easily he let Kurt take his heart, his soul, his everything back into his hands and trusted him. Like it once was, like it should be and Kurt was scared to break all of this and he felt like he was about to freak out.

“Hey,” Blaine said quietly, pulling back and pressing his lips gently against Kurt's, letting him melt into this feeling. Yes, this was easy, this was clear and all he needed.

“It's okay. I told you I'll wait, I'll help you and... if you think this is the right thing for you I accept that.”

Unfair, Kurt thought. He was being unfair asking Blaine to stay with Jason, to wait but meet him in the meantime. Asking him to be there for him, kiss him, hug him though they shouldn't. Kurt asked him to accept an affair, to lie and pretend without telling him the truth. Not one single word left his mouth about how scared he was. And Blaine accepted this, was ready to walk this road with Kurt just for the sake to be with him, to, maybe, get him back. Or maybe, this was just the turning point. The moment when Blaine would be who Kurt was when they first met. The one to open his eyes, to give him the right questions and hints? Whatever this was, for whatever reason Blaine agreed on that Kurt was grateful, so grateful he had no idea how to give Blaine any of that back.

“Thank you.”

“Anything for you.”

 

 


	17. I will wait

 

Chapter 17. I will wait

 

**10 years ago – Lima – Ohio**

 

 

“I love you,” Blaine breathed silently into the too early morning. Was it even morning? Maybe it was still night? Kurt had no idea what time it was and he didn't care. Actually there was no way he could think straight because he wasn't sure if he just imagined those words or if Blaine really said those out loud. Only the weak squeeze on his arm from Blaine's hand made it real. He really said those words, to him, to Kurt and all Kurt could do was swallowing, trying to breathe evenly and control the feelings which were running trough his system like wildfire. Also that Blaine said nothing and wasn't pulling away but kept on being close to him was no help at all. What should he say? Should he say anything at all? Do something? What the hell was he even feeling? What was wrong with his heart, with his mind that he felt like he was drunk and almost unable to breath? Maybe, just maybe he felt this? Love? Yet Kurt decided to say nothing and buried his face against Blaine's neck, right under his jaw. No words were coming out of his mouth, not even Blaine said something. They just held each other close until one of them fell asleep and the other followed right after.

 

When his dad told him he loved him, Kurt knew exactly in which way his dad meant it. In a way only a parent could mean it. This kind of love was always a part of Kurt's life, precious and something he could handle and needed. That he loved his dad was no secret, of course not his dad was the most amazing father ever. But Blaine was not his dad nor his brother. At first he was the troublesome kid, then the one who understood him and helped him, then the one he cared about and became his friend. Now he was no longer a friend but also not his boyfriend. He was something else for Kurt. Maybe something in between? They both kissed, they shared a bed together and any other person would label this as being a couple. Being boyfriends. But for them both it was what they needed to heal their heart and soul. It was the only thing that gave them both strength. Thinking this could ever turn out into something else, something serious, something that people called boyfriends never crossed Kurt's mind. At least not consciously. Was it really a shock for him that Blaine felt that way? Was he shocked? Not because Blaine said it. Only because someone who was not his father was able to love him. Love him for who he was. Love him more than a friend could ever do it. He was sure that Blaine meant it this way because Blaine would never say those words out loud so easily. Not after what he'd been through. Kurt was sure it took a lot of courage to say that and he? He was quiet, didn't answer, didn't ask. Luckily Blaine did the same but his expression, the way he looked at Kurt completely changed. His friends smile was softer, eyes warmer than ever and so much, oh so much calmer. All Kurt could do was blush or look away because he felt like a bad person not saying anything at all about those three words.

Everything else was just the same. They studied together, kept each other away from trouble and Kurt was truly surprised that he stopped snapping at people who didn't deserve it. This only because he was busy with his thoughts and his heart. When Blaine wasn't watching him but talking with Mike or Finn Kurt kept looking at Blaine, noticing things he never paid much attention to. Like how adorable he looked when he giggled, how big his eyes were and how warm their coffee and honey color was. Or how cute he actually was with his curly hair. If Blaine would change his wardrobe and change his badboy look, Kurt was sure he would be even more adorable, probably extremely handsome. Of course only if Blaine wanted to do this because it's not like they were boyfriends and Kurt could pick his clothes. Boyfriends. He bit his lip when he thought about that. He never thought their kisses and cuddles meant more. At the same time he wondered if he'd kissed someone else, would it heal him too? No, just the thought of trying this out made him uncomfortable and he was sure it was only Blaine who could help him. Only Blaine could make him feel this way.

But what way was it?

 

* * *

 

Blaine's silence was a good thing but also a bad one. Kurt knew he wouldn't mention what happened nor stop thinking about it. Maybe this was just Blaine, giving Kurt the space to come up with an answer but this was almost impossible for him. His mind was just a mess and nothing else. And if Blaine would want to talk about it Kurt knew he would back off and try anything to avoid this topic. Eventually the fear of loosing Blaine because of silence took the better of him. After Glee Club they both went to Kurt's car and Blaine gave him an curious look as he didn't unlock the door. Breathing in and out – which made him even more nervous – he turned around to face Blaine. With that all words were just gone. What should he say? What should he ask? Stuff like; Do you really love me? - or – How do you love me? - or - why do you love me? It all sounded so wrong inside his head that all Kurt could so was lick his lips and watch Blaine smiling slowly.

“Something wrong?”

“I... no. Not really. I just... I mean. You said those words to me and I just... I don't understand.”

Blaine kept on smiling, warm, lovely and shrugged slowly: “They mean what they should mean.”

“How can you be so sure about... that.”

“Because it's you.”

With those words they both climbed inside the car, Kurt not sure what to say about that but perfectly understanding what Blaine meant. He said it before, that everything was easier with Kurt and maybe, loving him was one of those things. Though, love was nothing easy for Kurt. Love meant a lot. It was a serious thing, or so he thought because, honestly, he had no idea what love was. Movies, books could give you an idea what it was, but it never was close to actually feel it. Therefore, he wasn't sure if he loved Blaine or if love felt like that. But he was sure about one thing. He couldn't leave Blaine, never stop kissing him and never sleep without him. Just the smallest distance, just a small amount of time and he felt like he was lost. Blaine probably felt just the same way and labeled it as love because he needed Kurt, just as much as Kurt needed Blaine. But was this love? What was it anyway?

 

* * *

 

It was maybe the most awkward thing Kurt ever did in his life. Even more awkward than 'the talk' with his dad but he just needed to know. His dad knew what love was, he had been married and now he was in love again. His dad would help him but it was also strange to ask him about that at the same time. Some months ago he was still fighting with his dad, still getting into trouble almost each day at school. Now he had himself under control, did his homework and stopped fighting, almost. And though this would be awkward Kurt also knew that his dad would love to hear what was going on in his son's mind. Help him, guide him, just like a father should do it. Kurt made sure that Blaine was gone when he decided to do that and when his friend went out to do some groceries he walked into the living room, finding his father sitting in the arm chair and watching a football game. Nothing unusual, just his dad but Kurt felt like he would puke any minute. Though he told his dad he and Blaine were just friends, he could tell that Burt knew something more. He had this special look Kurt knew too well.

“Are you going to stand there for the rest of the evening?” his dad smirked and Kurt just realized how long he was standing there and not moving.

“Um... no. I wanted to tell you something.”

Burt took another sip from his beer, nodded, and Kurt sat down on the couch, his fingers entwined and holding each other too strong. Well waiting made him even more nervous so he just said it out loud.

“Blaine told me he loves me.”

“Did he?” his Dad answered, looking back at the TV like it was nothing new. Maybe it was nothing new for his father. It was his father, a smart adult who knew much more about life and people than Kurt did at that point.

“Yes... and... I'm not sure what this means.”

“I think you know pretty well what it means,” Burt smiled and placed the bottle back on the coffee table, facing his son.

“Are you really surprised he feels that way for you?”

Kurt shrugged because yes he was but then it just made sense, in a very weird way. He watched his Dad looking down, thinking about what he should say or how he should say it and after some seconds of silence his eyes were back on Kurt.

“The first time I saw you two I thought it was a bad idea. I bet this is no secret, each parent would be worried if their kid hangs out with a guys like Blaine was.”

No, this wasn't surprising but his Dad was always someone who gave others a chance.

“But then I saw that, though you both still were in trouble and still doing things that weren't good for the both of you, you both decided to stop. I have no idea why or how but somehow you both figured a way out. Maybe it is because you two understand each other better because you both are gay. Who knows. But, I was watching you two over the past weeks. Saw how you both changed and later when you both told me what happened and how you were feeling, I saw it.”

Kurt waited for more words but they never came. So he asked, still not sure how this told his Dad that Blaine loved him. Loved him, not like a friend, not like sibling, just in a way Kurt didn't understand yet.

“You saw what?”

“I saw two hearts growing together, Kurt,” his father smiled: “I didn't see love then. But something else, something that could turn into love. Blaine changes for himself, but also for you. You do the same. He probably doesn't understand that yet, just like you. But when you both decided to change you two basically glued together. Also then I haven't seen love. Just how much you both helped the other to focus on life, the good things, that nothing is lost.”

Now thinking about it and remembering their way until this point he saw how right his father was. The first time they both laid eyes on each other Kurt felt something different without knowing what it was. Blaine probably felt the same if his look – from months ago – was anything worth to interpret as something more than just a simple look. And somehow they followed this feeling, this connection so... was it really surprising that Blaine thought, or maybe was sure that he loved Kurt? Looking at this point, no. People talked about this, love at first sight, two souls meant to be together, that fairytales can be true. Stuff Kurt never thought about much and never believed in.

“And now you see it?” he asked quietly, trying to deal with the things he just figured out.

“Love has many faces, Kurt. So many we'll never see or understand. Each person loves differently. The way I love Carole or loved your mother will never be the same way you'll love someone, or Blaine will. But, to answer your question, I know he cares about you and he would do anything for you. He looks at you like you are some saint or the answer to all his questions.”

Kurt blushed and his father smiled.

“So if this is the way he loves someone, then, yes. I'm pretty sure he isn't just imagining stuff. Also because what he'd been through he knows not to joke about that.”

It was hard to breath because his throat felt thick, his heart was too heavy, too many emotions running through his body that, if he could, he would turn into a puddle of goo. Someone loved him in a way he dreamed about for so long but then eventually stopped when life became this cruel monster. And then the question Kurt asked himself in the past days ran through his head over and over again, _do I love him?_

“Hey guys!” Blaine called when he went inside with a huge smile on his face. Kurt tried not to jump when he heard his voice and almost rolled his eyes when his Dad smirked at him. Well, maybe he was enjoying this way too much but Kurt would never ever blame his father for this. It was good to see his Dad this happy, see how things slowly but surely fell into the place they should be. It was good that life became a life he could be happy, his Dad could be happy and also Blaine. It was really like all the pieces finally found their place to become a perfect picture.

“I have good news to share,” Blaine said as he stood in the middle of the room, both Father and Son looking at him.

“My parents agreed on giving me the money they saved for me plus some extra money. I haven't met them because I honestly don't care but our lawyer called me and told me that. I'll get the money as soon as I graduate and leave for college.”

“That's awesome, kid,” his Dad smiled and Kurt smiled too because of Blaine's wide grin.

“It is... though I didn't want it but, I have to be realistic. I need the money. And also... they owe me that, at least that.”

Burt nodded slowly: “Don't feel bad about that.”

“No, I won't. I actually don't. This is the last time I'll have to deal with them which is... a relief for me.”

Kurt could see that, even after all the things that happened between Blaine and his parents it still hurt him. Each child wanted a mother or a father and so did Blaine. But he was accepting it. Accepting that he wasn't one of those kids who had supporting parents and he knew, with time, he would just look back at this time and label it as a memory, as an experience. Standing up he walked up to Blaine, smiling proudly and kissing his cheek and looked into his friends eyes. Yes, maybe he felt just the same for him and for sure he needed Blaine as much as he needed Kurt. Maybe he really was in love with him but he couldn't say it just yet.

 

* * *

 

For the next days Kurt thought about the many crushes he had on some guys. On Finn, Sam and this one guy who was at his school just for a couple of weeks. Especially the pain that had followed by getting rejected because they weren't gay stuck in his head. Thinking about it now it didn't hurt like it did in the past. Now he knew that all his crushes were just that. Crushes he was over with after a while. So he compared those feelings with the feelings he was having for Blaine and none of those feelings from years ago could get close to what he felt for his friend. They were warm, strong, and maybe really the way he would love someone. But there was also fear, insecurity, and his mind telling him to wait and see. Getting hurt, again, was nothing he wanted. However, it was stupid to think he could always run away from pain or disappointment. That was not what life was about. Then he thought about Blaine, who he was, who he became and who he became with Kurt by his side. There was Blaine who kissed him just right. Just so that Kurt calmed down, forgot the world and never wanted to stop kissing him. There was Blaine who held him so safe and right like their bodies could become one. There was Blaine who gave him so many answers with one look, with one smile and made him go crazy for more of it. How should Blaine, who opened him up with all these simple things and fixed his heart ever hurt him? He was sure Blaine would never do that on purpose, never ever. But Blaine was also just a human and even he could make mistakes and, one day, he could hurt him without knowing it.

 

There were different kinds of love, his Dad told him, so that meant there were also different kinds of pain, right? There was pain, so deep and so cold people wanted to die. Then there was pain that only hurt for a while but eventually faded away. And pain you learned to deal with after a while and see it from a different side. A side in which sympathy and understanding played an important part. But also maturity. Months ago Kurt was anything but mature. He was a blind, stubborn, and terrible guy. Now, with Blaine giving him the promise they'll be alright, giving Blaine this promise in return and fixing each other he came mature. A friend, a person who was ready to fight for his future. Everything else where just ghosts in the past, a part of his life and slowly but surely they would turn into memories, into experiences from which he had learned. Ghosts he and Blaine carry together and deal with those.

 

Blaine promised it, Kurt promised it and he kept his promise and saying he loves Kurt was Blaine making himself vulnerable. So vulnerable that, if Kurt said something wrong, if Kurt made one wrong move he could hurt Blaine. So deep, leaving this huge wound which, maybe, would never close and bleed forever. And probably it was exactly this, being vulnerable. Kurt didn't want to be vulnerable, didn't want to open up but he already did that. For Blaine he was as open as for no one else and never, not in the past months did Blaine hurt him. All he did is making Kurt feel safe, heal him, making sure Kurt was okay with the kisses, with the hugs, with Blaine being close in general. And Kurt? Only thinking someone else would kiss him, hold him, want to be close to him just like Blaine felt wrong. He almost felt sick thinking about someone else would do the things to him Blaine did. Yes, maybe, perhaps he loved Blaine too. No, he was sure he loved Blaine too and realizing this, admitting this to himself made his head burn, cheeks red and he groaned into his pillow because he felt so nervous, maybe even embarrassed. But, was it that surprising? Was it? Actually not. Blaine was the first one who accepted Kurt for who he was, the rude guy. Then through their understanding for each other they changed and Blaine became the first person he truly cared about who was not part of his family. Then he became his first kiss, the first person he trusted, the first person he had no problem with being close. And now he became his first love. First love, the words echoed in Kurt's head and he tried not to smile but he felt giddy, oh so giddy.

 

Some minutes later Blaine walked inside his room – luckily at that time Kurt calmed down a bit and wasn't glowing anymore. He looked exhausted, Kurt could tell, this weekend was really exhausting for Blaine but now the stuff with his parents was done and he could focus on himself. Focus on them, if Kurt decided to take this step. But he was smiling, this special smile he showed Kurt since he told him he loved Kurt.

“Hey,” Blaine breathed as he closed the door, hair still wet from the shower he had taken before. It just somehow happened that his Dad was okay with Blaine staying in Kurt's room – probably trusting them both enough so they wouldn't do anything they weren't ready for and until that point it stayed by just kisses and cuddles. Kurt smiled at him, sitting on his bed already wearing his pajamas just like Blaine and welcomed the kiss he gave him, when Blaine bent down to him as he reached the bed. Then, gently he cupped his face, kept the kiss and Kurt stopped breathing. Heart pounding like crazy, body relaxing as the warmth ran through his whole being and after some seconds he felt Blaine's breath on his lips, followed by the words Kurt couldn't say.

“I love you.”

A small smile on Kurt's face.

“And I'm not expecting you to say it back. I just... want you to know what I feel.”

Kurt nodded while Blaine climbed on the bed sitting down on his side of the bed. Kurt turned around, facing him and taking his hand.

“I... I understand. But I'm not sure if this... this is real.”

“What I feel for you?” Blaine asked and squeezed Kurt's hand.

“I don't know. I just... imagine what if we decide to be... you know.”

“Boyfriends?”

“Yes.”

“You want to?”

Kurt said nothing because he didn't trust himself. It was so easy to say yes, so easy to just admit his feelings. There was no need to wait, no need to lie, he wanted Blaine in any way possible. Just this feeling, this insecurity was eating him. Well, for Blaine this silence was answer enough so he smiled and held Kurt's hand, placing a kiss on his knuckles. Blaine knew how Kurt felt.

 

* * *

 

School was fine, they had fun with their friends and applying to colleges. Of course they choose New York, like most of their friends and graduation was just some months away. For Kurt and Blaine it was still something unreal but at the same time it was totally thrilling. So while their future was almost planned and also some plan B and C done there was also the present they needed to focus on. Especially Kurt. Each day Blaine told him he loved him, each day he made sure Kurt felt this love through kisses, hugs, simple touches and cuddles. And while Kurt enjoyed all of it he also felt bad for enjoying it because he never said it back and never wanted to make Blaine feel like he felt the same. He wasn't sure if he succeeded but he also felt, how, with each passing day he felt more and more sure to just say it, be his boyfriend and get what anyone had. Love. A kind of love so unique and true that he needed a second heart to beat for him when the other one would just stop because of all the emotions he felt. A week later, after their talk Kurt thought it would be just a usual Monday morning. But he was wrong. Mercedes dragged him to the schoolyard where he found his friend, standing on one of the many tables – actually one in the center – and smirked at Kurt, a guitar hanging down around his shoulders. Oh no, Kurt thought, not here. This was Ohio and not New York. Then he remembered Blaine, his very brave Blaine who, like his Dad said, would do anything for him. For a second he looked around, seeing their friends sitting on other tables and watching them, wide grins on their faces and giving thumbs up. Yes, he was sure what would happen any second and he couldn't help but feel happy and blush.

He looked back at Blaine, seeing him taking a deep breath, trying to calm himself down because, yes, he also knew Ohio and the people here. But Blaine was brave, they both were.

“I know you are scared, Kurt. And so am I. Still, whoever thinks this is wrong, is one the wrong side of history,” he spoke as he placed his hands on the guitar: “And I want you to know that, if you decide to be with me, which I hope you will some day, I'll be forever at your side and protect you, defend you, and I don't care who knows about us or what they think about us. Because what matters is you and I and the people who love and support us.”

He could feel all the looks around them, hear some whispers but he couldn't care less because this was just a moment between them. All he could focus on was Blaine and the rest of the world didn't matter.

“You know you can trust me, that whatever you share with me is safe with me. I know I'll probably fuck up in the future at some point, because I'm just a human. But if we begin this new life with something we both had never dreamed of, I'm sure our life will be alright, with all the ups and downs.”

Kurt felt his eyes beginning to burn and he tried not to give in, not to cry.

“I want to keep our promise so... for now, just listen to this. You know this song. Actually each song because we were listening to those for hours.”

And then Blaine began to play his guitar, still standing on the table, still looking at Kurt and singing.

 

 _Well, I came home_  
Like a stone  
And I fell heavy into your arms  
These days of dust  
Which we've known  
Will blow away with this new sun  
  
But I'll kneel down,  
Wait for now  
And I'll kneel down,  
Know my ground 

 

He gave Kurt this smile, this one special, warm smile only meant for Kurt.

 

_And I will wait, I will wait for you  
And I will wait, I will wait for you_

He heard clapping hands, saw from the corner of his eyes that some people were moving to the song, to the guitar and he even heard Rachel's unique squeal? Yeah something like that.

 

 _So break my step_  
And relent  
Well, you forgave and I won't forget  
Know what we've seen  
And him with less  
Now in some way shake the excess

 

And then they all were cheering and Kurt just didn't expect that to happen. Not in a million years.

 

 _'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you_  
And I will wait, I will wait for you  
And I will wait, I will wait for you  
And I will wait, I will wait for you 

 

Blaine stepped down from the table, still playing, eyes still focused on Kurt like through the whole song and sang quietly, making sure Kurt got the words, understood them. Each one of them.

 

 _Now I'll be bold_  
As well as strong  
And use my head alongside my heart  
So tame my flesh  
And fix my eyes  
A tethered mind freed from the lies

 

And Kurt smiled, not able to stop his eyes who filled with tears while his friend, his love sang for the world to hear.  
  
 _And I'll kneel down,_  
Wait for now  
I'll kneel down,  
Know my ground 

 

 _Raise my hands_  
Paint my spirit gold  
And bow my head  
Keep my heart slow  
  
'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you  
And I will wait, I will wait for you  
And I will wait, I will wait for you  
And I will wait, I will wait for you 

 

People were clapping, cheering, some whistling – probably the boys and girls from Glee were the loudest – and Blaine took his guitar off, slightly sweating and catching his breath as he turned back to face Kurt. His smile was pleased, beautiful and telling Kurt that he had been honest, that he will wait for his answer and in the mean time be there for him. And because of this, because of this promise, because of this risk Blaine took, how he handled his own fears and showed everyone how proud and brave he is, Kurt understood it, completely. There was no need to wait, no need to look for reasons and excuses. Someone like Blaine would never cross his way again. He stepped closer, seeing how even Blaine's eyes were glassy and hugged him tight, feeling how hard he was trembling and how hard he hugged Kurt back, afraid to break, afraid to fall but not going to as long they held each other.

 

* * *

 

Kurt waited until Friday evening to give Blaine his answer. Yes, maybe he was teasing him but he wanted them to have a weekend together and just, explore this new step in their relationship. He wanted their weekend to be just about them, about their future and their feelings. But he couldn't deny the fact that, even when it was clear how he felt and what he wanted, that he was terribly nervous to say it out loud. It began slowly. School was over and they drove home, helping Burt at work and leaving to watch a movie. After that movie they walked home and Kurt took Blaine's hand. Not in the way they used to, not the simple touch to make sure the other knew he wasn't alone. He held his hand like a lover would do it. Strong, fingers entwined and both wore a stupid grin on their faces. In comfortable silence they reached the house but weren't ready to walk inside. Instead Blaine lead them to the stairs, sitting down on the steps and facing the street, still holding hands and Kurt took his phone out, opening the player and starting the song, their song that meant so much for him and Blaine.

 

 _You saw my pain washed out in the rain_  
Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins  
But you saw no fault, no cracks in my heart  
And you knelt beside my hope torn apart 

 

“That night, when you... ran away... I could see it in your eyes. I could see how broken you were and this broke me. But when I saw you, laying there it hurt me even more,” Kurt said and Blaine squeezes his hand, kissing his cheek and leaning his forehead against Kurt's temple.

“I'm sorry for that.”

“It's okay. This was our life and this was the thing you would just do because you didn't know it better. But this was not the moment I've been falling for you. It happened before, when you accepted me for who I was then and who I am now and, maybe, even who I'll be in the future.”

 

 _But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view_  
We'll live a long life  
  
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light  
'Cause oh that gave me such a fright  
But I will hold as long as you like  
Just promise me we'll be alright 

 

“And whenever I listen to this song I remember all of this. How we met, what we wanted to do, what we didn't do and who we are now because we met each other.”

Kurt turned his head to look at Blaine, seeing how he wasn't sure if it was okay to smile or not, but decided to smile because the past was in the past and the present was now, and now was Kurt.

“And it will always be the song of our first kiss,” Kurt smiled as Blaine grinned at him: “And the song of our promise. But more important, it is the song which broke us. It broke us open so we were able to let go of this chaos that had been inside of us.”

 

 _So lead me back, turn south from that place_  
And close my eyes to my recent disgrace  
'Cause you know my call  
And we'll share my all  
And our children come and they will hear me roar 

 

 _So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light_  
'Cause oh that gave me such a fright  
But I will hold as long as you like  
Just promise me we'll be alright

Slowly he leaned closer, their foreheads touching, eyes closed, and hands holding tight. He needed to get this out, he needed Blaine to hear all of it because he already shared his heart with Kurt.

“Though I was scared it would break me, really break you just... you knew how to hold me together. You just knew it and... for the first time in my life I let someone see inside me because I knew you wouldn't hurt me.”

“I'm the same, Kurt. Just the same,” Blaine whispered and Kurt smiled. Did he really think Kurt hadn't known that?

“I know. I think we both know more about the other than words can ever explain. And, because of that I was okay with you seeing me like this and knowing me. I'm okay with you kissing me, holding me, taking care of my heart and soul because you know how to do it.”

He heard Blaine caught his breath, getting warmer – he was probably blushing, or about to cry.

 

_But hold me still, bury my heart on the coals_

_And hold me still, bury my heart next to yours_

 

“And I know I probably make you feel the same, otherwise you wouldn't be here and I know, we both will keep this promise.”

 

_But I will hold on with all of my might  
Just promise me we'll be alright _

 

“I need you in my life. I'll never meet someone like you again.”

“I need you too,” Blaine whispered and closed the gap between them, kissing Kurt through tears and sobs: “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Kurt sobbed and they both chuckled, opening their eyes and wiping their tears away and smiling, smiling like all the luck in the world was just right in front of them. And in some way, yes, it was like that.

 

 _But the ghosts that we knew made us black and all blue_  
But we'll live a long life  
And the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view  
And we'll live a long life 

 

* * *

 

Life was good. Really good. Especially calling Blaine his boyfriend made Kurt so proud, he couldn't hide his grin when he said those words out loud. While they had to study for their final exams some other things, like the troubles with Karofsky and other kids got solved, step by step. Karofsky changed schools, the people Blaine used to have trouble with stepped away – saying it was boring – and the homophobes still were there but together and with their friends they ignored them. No fights, snapping, just two confident, deeply in love boys who enjoyed their time together, their time with their friends and were excited for the future. It was just March and they wouldn't leave Lima before September but that was okay. There were other things to focus on. Like an upcoming wedding. Burt asked Carole to marry him and everyone was excited. Even Kurt who completely supported his Dad's relationship. Since he understood what happiness meant, what love meant he of course wanted the same for his father, and Carole was a lovely woman. He could even accept Finn as a brother. Sometimes he thought that Blaine was even more happy that Finn would become Kurt's stepbrother. Well, they were friends so Kurt didn't give it much thought. Yes, things were fine and when he wasn't busy with studying, with planning a wedding or other stuff, he really enjoyed the time alone with Blaine. Being in love was like a drug, a good one. Constantly feeling giddy, happy and just like he was floating was really good. Oh, and not to forget the curiosity. While kissing and cuddling was fine they both were still young teenager, victims of their hormones and both still virgins. There was no need to ask this, because who else should be their first. They were each other first kiss, first love and it would be stupid to not share their first time. It was just something they explored together by touching, asking and stopping when one got uncomfortable. Oh and they waited for the moment to be alone, like really alone but this never happened. There was Burt, Carole, their friends and responsibilities so Kurt couldn't wait for his Dad to get married and be on their honeymoon so he could be alone with Blaine. Just them and seeing where things would go from there. But it was just that, whenever life felt good and was good sometimes it took a twist.

 

“Blaine?” Burt called from the kitchen and with a groan Kurt pulled away from Blaine's lips, while he was above him and Blaine under him, laying on Kurt's bed.

“Yes?!” he called back, his voice sounding surprisingly normal – well they had a lot of chances to practice that.

“Here is someone for you. At the door.”

“What?” Blaine whispered and gave Kurt a questioning look and Kurt gave him the same look in return. He climbed off of Blaine, adjusting his pants just like his boyfriend.

“Coming!” Blaine called and waited for Kurt to follow him.  
“Maybe you wanted to meet with someone?” Kurt asked and fixed is hair.

“No that I know.”

Together they left the room, walking up the stairs and Blaine stood still when he reached the hallway. He literally froze and when Kurt was right behind him he saw a woman, short dark hair, friendly, beautiful face but his boyfriend didn't look happy.

“Hello, Blaine,” she said with a nice voice.

“He... hello,” he answered and took Kurt's hand, holding his anchor and turning his head to look at him.

“Blaine?”

“This... this is my aunt, Leona.”

Kurt noticed that Blaine couldn't form any words, he probably was too busy to figure out why his aunt was here. The aunt he never talked about and probably wasn't important to him or anything, like the rest of his family. So he couldn't help himself but feel like he needed to protect Blaine and keep her away from him. Taking one step closer he squeezed Blaine's hand and saw his Dad, standing in the kitchen and watching them.

“Can we help you?” asked Kurt ans Leona sighed, looking down and then up again, smiling at the two boys.

“I'm here to take Blaine home.”

 

 

 

 


	18. A color

 

Chapter 18. A color

 

** 9 years ago – Lima – Ohio **

 

Blaine held Kurt's hand so strong he was sure he hurt him. He didn't want that but Kurt was the amazing boyfriend and said nothing but keeping his eyes on Blaine's aunt. She smiled, even after her words she kept on smiling and Blaine felt numb, not understanding what she meant by, taking him home. He had a home, he was living with his boyfriend, working for his father and studying for school. He did everything to make Burt clear that he didn't want to live here for nothing. And now his aunt wanted to take his happy place away? His home? He shook his head no, again and again.

“Blaine's parents doesn't want him. They can't even stand him,” said Kurt and though it should hurt Blaine it didn't. This was the truth and he accepted it the moment he found someone who actually cared about him. And that was Kurt and his dad.

“Leona, right?” Burt asked and his aunt nodded slowly: “I think we should sit down and talk. Okay?”

Blaine looked at Mr Hummel, almost pleading and then at Kurt who clenched his jaw. He knew Burt Hummel cared about him and he trusted him enough that he wouldn't let Blaine go so easily. Of course Burt wasn't legal guardian or anything like that but he knew this man cared about him and that, not only Kurt, but also that Blaine was safe and happy.

“Of course. I think that would be the best because,” Leona said and her eyes went back to the two boys, still holding their hands so strong their knuckles turned white: “it was stupid to just walk in here and confront you with this. I want to explain everything.”

“Good, then come in. Kurt? Can you make some tea and coffee?”

“But dad!”

“Now, Kurt,” he said and his voice made it clear that there was no space to argue. Leona walked towards them, wearing a sad smile and Blaine just leaned closer to Kurt leaning his forehead against Kurt's shoulder. She and Burt disappeared into the living room and when they both were alone his boyfriend turned around, facing Blaine and taking both his hands into his own.

“I don't want to go,” Blaine whispered before Kurt could say anything.

“You won't. I won't let that happen. Your parents won't get you back for whatever reason.”

And Blaine trusted his words. They were all he had right now.

 

He helped Kurt fixing some tea and cookies not wanting to be alone with the adults but it didn't take too long and they joined them in the living room. Burt sat in his armchair, Leona on the couch and when they placed the cups down and the cookies Kurt sat down next to her, holding Blaine's hand and Blaine sat down next to him, staying close because Kurt's fingers weren't enough to calm him down.

“So Miss-”

“Madison. Leona Madison. I'm the sister of Blaine's mother. But call me Leona.”

“So, Leona,” Burt nodded slowly: “You said something about taking Blaine back home? I hope you know what this means and what place you are talking about.”

Leona nodded and held her hands together, resting on the fabric of her crème colored skirt.

“I know what his parents did. Or at least I think I know. And I am sure it was hard for Blaine, I can only imagine how hard it must have been for him.”

“Yeah, right,” Blaine huffed and felt the old rage bubbling inside of him. Rage he thought he couldn't feel anymore. It was like his old self came back, step by step to guard himself before someone could hurt him. But then, there was Kurt, stroking his thumb over the back of Blaine's hand and kept him sane and calm.

“I know it, Blaine. I've been through the same.”

Blaine blinked in confusion just like Kurt and Burt raised both eyebrows.

“I'm lesbian. And I think you can imagine how they reacted. You know our family.”

Still quiet Blaine tried to figure all these things running through his mind. So his aunt was gay and still she wanted to take him home? But his aunt was gay and she knew what the reaction of their family was.

“I... I didn't know.”

“Of course not,” she smiled, warm and beautiful: “I didn't tell anyone. But when you came out in such a young age, sure about who you are I felt... shame, you know? I'm thirty now and lied for thirty years. When I moved out it was easier but they still kept on talking how disgusting it was to be gay. So, when I met your mother and she told me what had happened I snapped and came out. It was and still is a mess. They are disappointed and made it pretty clear to not call them or anything. I accepted that because it's for the better. Then I began to look for you because I thought I could help you.”

She sighed, looking from Blaine to Kurt to Burt and back to Blaine: “But I see you are doing pretty good, hm?”

“Yeah... yeah I'm fine. More than fine,” he nodded squeezing Kurt's hand who just looked as surprised as Blaine, still dealing with the things they had heard.

“So what I take from that is you don't want Blaine to go back to his parents,” asked Burt and both boys tensed up by the thought of being separated.

“Oh god no. Not in a million years. But I'm his aunt, I can easily be his guardian until he goes to college. I know it's only for some months but I thought it would be the best for him. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful and happy you took care of him but, maybe it would be good for Blaine to have someone from his family.”

Blaine wanted to say no, wanted to shake his head and take Kurt and go away. He had done that if he didn't change. So he sat there, listened and exchanged a look with Burt letting all the stuff Leona sat sink in. Kurt though, when he turned his head to look at Blaine he saw his pleading eyes, even a small shake of his head and it almost broke his heart. If Kurt wanted him to stay here he would do it but then, when he thought about his aunts words and how she was his family and that, technically, he shouldn't be here he almost felt like he had to do this. Just so Burt would have his old home back – in which Carole was supposed to move in soon – and he really didn't want to bother the new family. Kurt might be his boyfriend, they both might have saved each other and loved each other but he was still Blaine Anderson who, if not for Kurt, would have ended up on the streets.

“I won't force you, Blaine. If you want to stay here and Burt is okay with that I won't do anything against it. I just want you to know that you have another place here in Lima to go to and-”

“Lima? You are living here? Since when?”

“For a week now,” she smiled and those words made Kurt relax a bit: “I wouldn't ask you to change school or leave Lima for just some weeks.”

Thinking about it and knowing he would stay in Lima made all of this look way much better. Not that he gave a single fuck about his family because they were all against him – especially his parents treating him like shit – but Leona was always different. Now he knew why.

“I'm sure this is good for Blaine to know,” Burt said and looked at the two of them for a second and then back to Blaine's aunt: “But I think we all need some time to think about that. Not that I want to keep you away from Blaine but I know how much they grew together in those past weeks. I wouldn't want them to be unhappy.”

Burt Hummel was amazing, Blaine thought. There was no doubt that he didn't imagine this to happen to his son or his life, basically adopting a total stranger who used to fuck up all the time. But this stranger helped his son, this stranger became Blaine Anderson, a friend, a boy who only wanted to be understood and have someone who cared. And now he was his sons boyfriend and doing anything to not be a burden for Burt. And Burt accepted that and helped him, without wanting something, without having conditions. He was even fine with them sharing a bed. Blaine knew, all this was only possible because he trusted them both. He wondered if he could ever give Burt all of this back.

“Of course, no worries. I won't force him to anything, like I said.”

They talked some more, mainly it was Burt and Leona talking about his parents and what she thought about all of this. She explained it was a family thing that they were against gay people but what his parents were doing to each other was something she would never understand. She also said her concern about what impact it might have on Blaine. He was sure it would have none. Cheating was a bad thing and who his parents were or what they did is not Blaine. Honestly? He didn't want to think about it. All he wanted was to graduate and go to college with Kurt at his side. He wanted his own life, living his dreams and loving Kurt. Because without him he wasn't sure if he could make it. College and moving out sounded amazing but also scary.

Leona left after another hour and gave Blaine her number so he could call her whenever he felt ready to. Back in Kurt's room they both were silent. Forgotten was the make out from hours ago, forgotten how much they wanted to explore each other. Right now they both were just tired and took only their pants off, climbing into the bed with a t-shirt and boxer briefs on. Their fingertips touching, keeping the contact and Blaine tried to look into Kurt's eyes, trying to figure out what he was thinking but his boyfriend didn't give him the chance to do so and Blaine wouldn't force him to say anything. This was... a lot and a huge change if Blaine said yes. That's why he wasn't surprised when Kurt whispered: “You don't have to go. I don't want that and I'm sure dad is fine with you staying here.”

“I know,” Blaine whispered, running his hand through Kurt's hair and kissing his forehead: “I know I'm welcome here.”

It was scary. Scary to imagine he wouldn't fall asleep with Kurt next to him. Scary not to wake up and see his face as the first thing in the morning. Scary to be alone and get confronted with his thoughts all alone. Thoughts about his parents, his future, thoughts he knew he had to face sooner or later because he couldn't ignore them forever. He was able to deal with them, able to talk about it with Burt but being alone with them? He wasn't sure how he would handle this.

“I just want you to know that and... that whatever you decide to do I'll support you.”

“Kurt,” Blaine sighed after he took a deep breath and finally met his boyfriends eyes: “I don't know what I'll do or... what this even means for me. Right now all I know is that I love you and need you.”

And then a small smile stretched over Kurt's lips. Not only was it Blaine who needed Kurt. It was also the other way around.

 

* * *

 

They didn't talk about for some days but Blaine knew Kurt waited for an answer or some explanation about what his thoughts were. Of course Blaine was thinking about it, this option to live with his aunt for a while and have some kind of his own family while he learned, through the past weeks living with the Hummels, that family was not about being blood related. It was a place were he was welcomed, felt loved and safe and that was the place wherever Kurt was. Still there was his lovely, beautiful aunt, who came out because her nephew had been brave enough to do so and he couldn't fight against the thought that maybe she needed him. Maybe they both needed each other because their family expelled them. Not that he felt any responsibility but she was still his aunt who treated him nicely and listened whenever he decided to speak. The only person in his family who thought he was worth it and probably understood all the mistakes he did. So when he walked into the choir room, seeing the boys – expect for Kurt – singing something silly he only smiled and joined his boyfriend at the end of the right side. They shared a smile and though Kurt looked a bit sick his whole face lit up when he felt Blaine's fingers touching his. This small gesture became something they never stopped and always needed, especially at school and when hard times came. This was enough to calm each other down and give each other the strength they needed. Although they stopped getting into trouble both knew they weren't there yet. Kurt still used to snap at people and be rude for no reason and Blaine still needed to calm his rage down. When Leona visited them he was so scared to fall back to his old habits though he was sure he had himself under control.

“I want to talk about my aunt later.”

“Okay,” hesitated Kurt for a while and his smile fell.

“Don't worry,” Blaine kissed his cheek and leaned his forehead against Kurt's temple: “I'm not thinking about going anywhere.”

“Okay,” his boyfriend answered, a bit happier and squeezed Blaine's hand.

“Oh my god, can you two just stop it,” Santana groaned from her seat two rows down: “I prefer bitch Hummel and bad boy Blaine than this.”

“Shut it, Santana or you'll get to know how bitchy I can become.”

“Yeah, with your lady face I'm sure you can.”

“What did you just call him!?” Blaine leaned forward, all the calmness gone.

“You heard me hobbit. It's actually surprising that you two are together. I bet Lady Hummel is the perfect wife and you will be the stereotypical husband.”

Blaine stood up, ready to walk down and face her, yell at her like he used to but Kurt's fingers kept him there where he was standing. They were yelling at each other, calling each other names while the others tried to calm them down and only when Mr Schue joined the room they didn't stop but Blaine left the room, Kurt following him and shooting Santana warning look.

They walked to Kurt's car, not holding hands, not being close but as soon as Blaine was outside he kicked a can, a small stone and clenched his hands into fists. Yeah, wow, this never happened during Glee. Okay, Santana was always a bit mean to them but he never let that bother him because his priority was to take care of Kurt. Today though it was too much and all this anger scared him. Why was it still there? Reaching Kurt's car he pressed his hands against it, breathing in and out and trying to calm himself down which only worked when he felt Kurt's hand on his back, running slowly up and down.

“I wanted to hit her,” he admitted and faced Kurt as realization hit him.

“I know.”

“I thought I had it under control or that it was gone. But it's still there, in me, all this rage, all this anger. I felt it when my aunt visited us, when she... when she talked about going home.”

Kurt only smiled at him, still running his hand gently up and down his back and stepping closer so that Blaine could lean against his body, absorbing the calmness he needed.

“Don't be too hard on yourself. You've done so much progress in the past weeks, more than I did so it's normal to fall back sometimes.”

“But I don't want to fall back into my old habits,” he admit, mumbling into Kurt's neck.

“Of course not. But – and I hate to admit that – maybe it will help you to just... talk about everything with your aunt. Maybe then you'll find some closure because she is part of your family and knows them better than I or my dad do.”

Somewhere it hurt to think that Kurt wasn't his family because he had been the closest to what Blaine imagined family was like. Still he had a point and it was hard to admit that though it was already running through his mind.

“You talk in your sleep, you know. Sometimes you talk about your parents or with your parents. Sometimes you sound like you are running away from something.”

He leaned back, looking right into those blue eyes with surprise: “I do?”

His boyfriend nodded: “I didn't want to tell you this and worry you. You were doing so good and I wanted to wait. It's just that... maybe you need to talk about this. You haven't really done that.”

He seriously had no idea he was talking in his sleep or that he had those dreams. Blaine was so sure that he was over it, over everything but probably he was mistaken.

“Will you... will you come with me?”

“Of course I will,” his boyfriend smiled and held him safe as Blaine wrapped his arms around him.

 

* * *

 

Those fights with Santana didn't stop. Both had no idea what her problem was so they agreed on just ignoring her because this was just a waste of energy and before they would fall back into their old habits. Blaine called his aunt and asked her when he and Kurt could visit her, making it pretty clear that he only wanted to visit her and talk and nothing else. He didn't want to give her any hope that he would want to live with her. At the end of March they went to her place which wasn't that far away from Kurt's, only a 30 minute long walk. Still too far away from Kurt if someone asked Blaine. They walked in silence to her place, holding hands and when she greeted them at her front door with the same beautiful warm smile some of their worries were gone.

They talked for hours, about Blaine's parents, about Blaine's family in general and she made it pretty clear that she wouldn't force him to anything. She explained that their family had their ideas of what a man or woman should be, what was natural and what not and Blaine didn't fit in this idea, like Leona. They were just one of those people who stood on the wrong side of history. Only then he realized that he still was hoping for a change, which of course was pointless and admitting it hurt. But Kurt was there, holding his hand and make of this less painful. Also Leona said it was his decision, his life and as long as Burt was fine with Blaine staying in his house he would stay there. But thinking that Burt and Carole got married the following week he was pretty unsure about staying there. This was a new family, new people, more people who needed their space and he really didn't want to become a burden. Burt was a nice guy, wanting them both to be happy, and if Blaine took the place away they needed for their family he would go. It was only for some weeks, only for a while and then he would leave Lima, go to New York with Kurt and live with him. What were some weeks of not sharing a room together when he could have – maybe – forever with him.

“Do you already know what you want to study?” Leona asked while they were sitting in her small but welcoming living room.

“I want to go to NYADA,” Kurt said, explaining why he loved to perform while Blaine bit his lower lip. He wasn't sure what he truly wanted but already sent his application for NYADA and a college to study music – both in New York. He loved performing and singing and making music but he wasn't as sure about it like his boyfriend was. His only aim was to go where Kurt was going and maybe figure out what he wanted along the way. When it was Blaine's turn to talk he only shrugged and said honestly: “I'm not sure what I want but I love music and performing too. But, right now, I just need to be where Kurt is.”

He was sure Leona already knew how important Kurt was for him and that, being without him hurt way too much, so much he knew he couldn't handle it right now.

“Yeah, I've noticed that. You both have a really special connection and I'm happy that you have each other. I see how much you've changed, Blaine, and I'm sure Kurt plays a very important part in that.”

“The most important part,” Blaine whispered and smiled at Kurt who almost blushed.

“But you have to keep in mind that you also need to do something that you want, so you be happy for yourself too, you know?”

He took his eyes away from Kurt and gave her a questioning look. He was happy with Kurt, the happiest he could be so... he didn't really understand what she meant.

“I see that you love each other, don't get me wrong. But, while Kurt seems to be sure what he wants and what makes him happy he'll still have this if you two – which I hope won't happen of course – break up. Which is important, you know? We all need something we love to do, something only meant for us.”

He never really thought about what he could do or what his talents were. All the thoughts he had for the past years were how to fuck his life up and stay away from people. There was never a time when he thought about his future until that day. So it scared him a bit to not know what he really wanted to do. And both, Kurt and Leona saw this in his eyes.

“I want to show you something,” she said and stood up, both following her through the living room to a door on the left side. Unlocking the door they walked inside into a room with white walls, a huge table and an old huge shelf, filled with brushes and many paint tubes. The dark wood of the shelf was covered with marks in different colors.

Blaine looked around, seeing several canvas leaning against the wall, some empty some showing wonderful pictures of people.

“Did you paint those?” Blaine asked as he held Kurt's hand and walked around to take a closer look to a picture with his aunt and another woman, both smiling wide, eyes almost squeezed shut and shining.

“I did. I've studied art which, of course, was not what my parents wanted me to study. There I met Julia, my girlfriend.”

“You've been together since college?” asked Kurt.

“Kind of. We broke up like three times because I wasn't out and it's hard to be together and hide who we are. She is still in New York but will be living here with me when September starts.”

Kurt smiled at her words while Blaine still observed one painting after the other and the beauty of each painting fascinated him. Sure he loved art, any kind of art but this, that someone from his family which was always focused on things far away from art, was able to create something beautiful like this opened new doors in his mind. Maybe he was able to do something like that too?

 

* * *

 

The following week was crazy. Kurt and Carole were busy with the wedding while Blaine, Burt and Finn tried to stand in their way. With school and the wedding he and Kurt immediately fell asleep as soon as they found the time to. The wedding itself was beautiful and moving. Not only were two families becoming one, Kurt finally was able to accept his new family and welcome them with an honest smile and true happiness. The day after the wedding was them staying in their bed, too tired to do anything at all. Burt and Carole went on their honeymoon, Finn was at Rachel's place and the boys had the house to themselves. The original plan of making out and going as far as they could didn't happen. Instead Blaine had other things on his mind he needed to share with with Kurt. They were watching Chicago in Kurt's bed, Blaine resting his head on his chest and saying: “I want to go to Leona and try this painting stuff.”

“Of course you want to,” Kurt whispered and Blaine felt his lips kissing his hair: “I saw how your eyes were shining and that you were just blown away.”

He moved his head so he could face Kurt and smiled about how far they had come since the day they met. They weren't there, no, but knowing that Kurt could read his face sometimes so that Blaine didn't need to explain anything made him feel so much warmth spilling out of his heart and running through his whole body.

“I know we have plans but I really want to try this out so I can look for other colleges in New York. Because that's where we'll be going together and Leona is right. I'm not sure about acting or making music. I do enjoy it but it doesn't fulfill me like I want it to and I need something that I can focus on when hard times come so I can be calm and happy and have the strength to work things out.”

“I told you I'll support you and... we'll find some time for... other things.”

This shy smile and light red color on Kurt's cheek made him look so adorable that Blaine couldn't help himself but grin and kiss the shy smile away. 

“We have time,” he whispered, kneeling and holding Kurt's face in his hands, safe and warm, looking deep into his eyes and feeling how his boyfriend melt into his touch: “I'll always find time to satisfy you.”

“Oh my god,” Kurt groaned and Blaine chuckled, kissing him once more, leaning his forehead against Kurt's and closing his eyes, saying the words that always made him breathless, still. 

“I love you.”

His thumbs felt Kurt's cheek moving, the corners of his mouth curling up, he was smiling and responded: “I love you too.”

 

 

 

 


	19. I Gave You All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I used two songs in this Chapter. One is this here [Link](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMsUEJJHh1I) (Mumford and Sons - Piano cover - After the storm) and the other is Mumford and Sons - I Gave You All. It was weird and hard to write this chapter because of personal experience. So here is my warning for this chapter: Angst (like yeah at the end), forced to sex (kind of but nothing explicit)

 

Chapter 19. I Gave You All

 

 

When people hear the words affair, cheater, cheating, lair they consider them as something bad. And usually it is. Blaine though maybe had a different reality, his own reality when he thought about this. A twisted and wrong reality some people might say but for him? He knew he would never say it out loud but cheating, having and affair was part of his life. No, he never did those things but his parents. They showed him how easy it was to cheat, to lie, to pretend and this was even worse than the way they treated him. Therefore it was actually not surprising how easily he could accept that. Doing that, wanting that because this was the only way he could be with Kurt. Of course he felt bad, really bad, Jason didn't deserve this, none of this.

He was a good guy who deserved to be loved, to have someone who would do anything for him. Blaine wasn't that person and never would be. And even if it wouldn't work out with Kurt there was no way he could be together with Jason. It was stupid to say yes to marry him, stupid to stay in this relationship while Blaine already knew it wouldn't work out in the end. He knew this before Kurt came back. All he could do now was to prepare Jason, to make it slowly clear that there was no future for them. Groaning he wanted to hit himself because this was heartless and cruel.

But then, there was Kurt who was asking for an affair which was totally not Kurt. His Kurt would never ask for something like this and therefore Blaine was more than sure that something was up. Something Kurt wasn't ready to talk about. Or maybe he had no idea himself what it was. One thing was clear for Blaine, he wasn't ready to leave Garret. This wasn't really surprising considering that they were engaged and probably already imagined and planned their future together. Kurt had a different relationship and different responsibilities than Blaine did. Still he was sure it wasn't that, it couldn't be that. The Kurt he knew would draw a straight line and throw the things away he didn't need and couldn't handle – when it was possible.

However, they didn't see or talked with each for 7 whole years, so, how could he believe Kurt didn't change? Sure he changed, but so much? Into a person he never wanted to be? No. Blaine was more than convinced that this was not the case. Something was wrong, terribly wrong that it made him cry and scared.

With a sigh he left his room, letting his paintings dry and found Jason sitting in the living room working at his laptop. First he thought Jason was really doing something for his work but then he saw a picture of two rings, a website for weddings and a cold shiver ran down his spine.

“No,” he said without thinking about it. Jason heard him and turned around, eyes big and surprised.

“No, Jason. We talked about it. We said we wouldn't wear any rings.”

“But this will make it more official.”

Blaine took a deep breath through his nose, trying to be calm, trying not to be too rude because Jason was – even before he and Kurt kissed – living in a bubble filled with flowers, suits, rings and all this stuff. Over and over he tried to explain to him that this, this whole engagement was just a test, to see if it would change anything, if it could help them. Now Blaine knew he wouldn't marry him it changed everything for him, but not for Jason. Of course not.

“We've talked about this and I told you I don't want that yet.”

“I know you said that but maybe it will help us more, you know?”

It was hard to come up with excuses, with, not really lies, just excuses he kept to himself for months and maybe, because he basically wasn't lying, it would help Jason to understand.

“It won't. I know it won't. It will make me feel like... like living in a cage. When I said yes I also said I want to try it, remember?”

“I do remember,” they both remembered how happy Jason was while Blaine felt like he was loosing everything: “And I accept that but you have to understand that I also try. I try to move on and help us but you are acting like you don't care.”

Oh wow, okay. Blaine for sure as hell was not not caring. He cared, so much that he tried to make himself happy, make Kurt happy and make all of this as harmless as possible for Jason. Which was probably wrong. Yes, totally. Blaine gave him just fake signs, not even promises but fake hints.

“You know I care. I always care about the people around me. But you also should know I don't make promises I know I won't keep them. That's why I said I'll try.”

He wished he could just break up and go. End all of this and focus on Kurt but there was only one thing that held him back. Breaking up with Jason meant to tell anyone, meant Garret would know it, which would make it even harder to be alone with Kurt. Their friends would ask why and Blaine couldn't tell the truth. But more importantly it was Jason and Garret who were friends and that he didn't know Garret at all. This affair, no, he didn't like that but Kurt was right. This was the only way they could be together without someone wondering. No one thought they were cheaters, no one could imagine them doing that. Those were all lame excuses, horrible excuses but, for now, this was the only safe way for him. Blaine learned that sometimes people had to walk a path that was more than uncomfortable.

“Okay. I get it,” Jason sighed and closed his laptop, standing up and kissing Blaine's cheek: “Take your time. I'll have to work anyway and we won't see each other for a while.”

Oh, yes, he almost forgot that. Now this was a good turning point for his soul. One months without finding excuses, without being worried. Blaine didn't even mention his exhibition so Jason would not do anything to be there. He really didn't want him there. Painting was his personal happy place and he needed that right now.

“I think this will be good. Some space.”

 

* * *

 

Blaine thought a lot about his parents the morning Jason was gone. He wondered why his parents had been cheating on each other, how they could do and what they thought while doing that. It had nothing to do with him, they were cheating because something wasn't right. Ten years ago he thought it had been better to just break up, get a divorce and move on but for some reason they didn't. In the back of his head was a thought, dark and cold he noticed it before. The thought which told him cheating wasn't bad, having an affair wasn't bad, his parents made this pretty clear. This was a thing young people learn, they tolerate things to a certain point because of personal experience. This didn't mean that other people needed to understand it or even know it. Like Blaine would never tell anyone what an impact this experience had on him. It was a small one but for his certain situation maybe the only think helping him to deal with it. He knew why he was doing it, but the reason his parents had was a secret for him and always be.

After some hours of thinking he decided to take a walk and maybe if he could even meet Kurt because there were still things he needed to know. What was okay, what not. What was he allowed to say and what not. Should someone know it, was he allowed to have someone to talk to if Kurt couldn't? Small things but important for him. So as he left his apartment he called Kurt and they agreed on meeting each other when Kurt took his break. They decided it was better to meet in a cafe, just like always, not suspicious at all. Because people knew they were friends and had boyfriends. However, he was still excited to see him, talk to him and spent some time with him. When they were young he didn't make this experience to ask Kurt out for a date and feel those butterflies or excitement because he they were together before they even were a couple. Back then he also felt butterflies, was excited too but in a different way. He was sitting at the window, two cups of coffee already in front of him, his legs moving on their own accord and eyes constantly scanning the people passing by. Soon there he was, hair perfectly styled, blue eyes looking through the window and when their eyes met both couldn't stop their smiles. It took a lot to not just stand up and run to Kurt, hug him tight and close but he managed it, standing up when Kurt came closer and hugging him with one arm, like always in public.

No one needed to know that what they were showing was far away from the true things they were doing, or wanted to do and be. Sitting down they talked about work, ordinary stuff and Blaine was fighting against the need to touch him, his hand, his fingers, stretch his leg out and touch Kurt's or lean over and kiss him because that's what he used to do when they were together. Now things weren't that easy anymore. At some point they both turned silent, smiling and looking down at their almost empty cups until Kurt broke the silence, asking: “You wanted to talk about something.”

“Uh, yeah. It's about the... the thing, you know.”

Knowing Kurt nodded and his small smile made Blaine smile. This was familiar smile, the one Kurt gave him when they shared something only they knew, only they understood and no one else, even if they tried to explain but they never did.

“I know this is something we... we shouldn't share,” he said more quietly: “But at the same time I think we need someone to talk. Someone we can trust and who... who will understand. This will be pretty hard for us because we'll have to find excuses, places where we can be... alone. I mean, I'm no pro with this stuff but I think it would be good to have someone who... helps us? Maybe cover for us?”

Those blue eyes looked up, straight into his and Blaine saw all the mess Kurt's mind was. He was sorry, he was unsure, scared – again – but also willing to do this, wanting to do this and then Blaine saw pleading. Pleading for help, for understanding.

“Don't worry, Kurt. I thought about that and I wouldn't agree on that if I couldn't handle it.”

He nodded slowly, his eyes turning softer: “I agree with you and I have to admit I already did that.”

“You told someone what happened?”

“Isabelle. My boss. She is really, really amazing and she won't tell anyone about that and she cares about me. A lot, sometimes too much.”

Isabelle, Blaine remembered how Kurt talked about her and so far he had a pretty positive opinion about her. It was good to know that someone took care of Kurt, someone older and mature since his dad was living in Lima and Kurt pretty much had no contact with their friends. People who knew him for years.

“And what did she say?”

“She... she was happy. I mean she is not fine with this cheating stuff but she... I guess she understands that the world is not black and white.”

“So she doesn't like Garret?”

His eyes watched Kurt biting his lower lip, his eyes moving back down, his usual reaction when something was right but he couldn't admit it openly.

“It's more a personal thing. Garret is not a bad person he is just... difficult sometimes. Especially at work. He is good, he knows what he is doing and this often ends up in a heated discussion with Isabelle because he can be stubborn, while she wants something else.”

Blaine nodded slowly, not sure if he could say what he was really thinking or not because Kurt's whole presence was defensive. Something he didn't do around Blaine in years. If Isabelle was so important to him and she didn't like Garret he was sure something was wrong. Maybe around Kurt and their friends Garret was the perfect boyfriend and gentleman? This is his impression so far and he doubts that Kurt would stay with a person who treated him bad. However, it was hard to ignore that Kurt was obviously hiding something, something that seemed like a huge burden for him.

“It's okay,” Blaine whispered, reached out for Kurt's hand and squeezing it, feeling the warm tingle running from his fingers through his body: “If you don't want to... do that we can stop and figure something else out.”

Without hesitation Kurt shook his head, holding Blaine's hand a while longer and looking straight into his eyes, blue pools telling him more than words ever will. And Blaine wanted again to lean over kiss him and seal their agreement with a kiss. Their hands pulled back.

“So you have Isabelle, who I need to meet,” he said, giving Kurt an adorable smile and he saw him relaxing: “And our friends?”

“I think, if they haven't changed much, Mike and Mercedes are trustworthy.”

“And Santana,” Blaine said.

“Santana? Like, the Santana Lopez you wanted to punch back in high school? The one you always were fighting with?”

Blaine laughed heartily, leaning back in his chair and nodded slowly: “We are something like best friends now. After we broke up she was the one who helped me to move on. You know her, she can be pretty convincing and I trust her. She is also the only one knowing that-” but he didn't say 'love you still': “That I want to be with you and not Jason.”

Kurt curled his lips into this adorable, shy smile as the words were out.

“I bet she'll be more than willing to help us. She was there when the mess with Jason began. Mike will help us too, if we explain it well but he won't like it.”

“I think the same goes to Mercedes. She won't like it but... they all will support us I guess.”

“Okay... so. I think we should invite them to my place and explain. Jason's gone anyway until the end of September. If you want to.”

“Yes. I'm sure I want that.”

Still Blaine saw that something was not right and it frustrated him that he wasn't able to see it, to figure what was there that made Kurt so... so not Kurt. Maybe he changed more than Blaine was ready to accept? To see? His heart screamed no, his heart yelled at him that Kurt was still Kurt. The Kurt he loved because he couldn't feel something else but pure love for him.

“Good. Speaking of meeting. This weekend is my art exhibition and I hope you can come over and take a look,” he said, feeling slightly nervous as he pulled a flyer out of his back. The top and bottom had a black stripe and the middle was a pleasant orange background a painting of Central Park in Fall. Under the top stripe was written in black letters _Falling For Seasons – Blaine Anderson._ Kurt eyed the flyer, smiling softly and looking back up to Blaine, nodding in the most adorable way he'd ever shown. 

“Great. I really want you to... be part of this since you never... you know.”

“I'd love to.”

Blaine ducked his head chin resting on his chest and smiling pleased.

“And I'll be alone.”

Blaine looked back up, his breath hitching and heart beating faster.

“Okay.”

 

* * *

 

Blaine called Santana and Mike inviting them over without much convincing. Of course they asked if their partners could come with them which needed some explanation why they couldn't. Kurt asked Mercedes and because they all were busy with their families or work it was hard to find an weekend just for themselves. Eventually they agreed on the last weekend of September which was also the weekend they used to meet with all their friends in Santana's bar. He wasn't sure what this meant for the rest of the evening. Santana for sure would support them, he had no doubt about that. Mike and Mercedes too but this would take more explaining and more convincing because they wanted to tell their friends they had an affair and ask them to help them cheat on their boyfriends. This was like in a bad movie, like an alternative universe. But this was reality, or becoming Blaine's reality and he was only able to accept it because it meant he could be with Kurt in a way he used to be, wanted to be, forever.

Since it was still the beginning of September Blaine decided to not think too much about everything but just be careful. Jason was gone, he had enough space and time to just enjoy some time alone, invite Kurt over – when Garret wasn't occupying Kurt with whatever – and just live for a while in a perfect world. Was it bad to want that? Escape reality for a while? No, sometimes people needed that and Blaine needed it more than anything. Seven years, he and Kurt were separated for seven years and he still didn't understand how he could live without him. Not necessarily loving him but seeing him, talking to him, laughing, all these things. That's why he was so excited the day of his art exhibition. He wore no suit, but a dark red shirt and brown pants, colors of Fall like his art exhibition and of course a dark bow tie, like at each event. His curls smoothly gelled he greeted each person which walked inside the white room which walls held his paintings. Tina answered questions while Blaine was busy with greeting, signing autographs, saying his thank yous with an honest smile but always, always looking for the man with the most beautiful blue eyes he'd ever seen. It had been an hour since it started, many people were already walking around, smiling at his paintings with admiration. Two hours passed and Blaine finally found some time for himself and of course he used this to walk around and maybe find the person he was looking for. 

Yes, he found him standing their and looking beautiful with his beautiful clothes – also wearing those warm colors – and observing one of his paintings. With each step he came closer, feeling his excitement growing, his heart beat increasing and when he noticed the picture Blaine almost blushed. It was the one with Kurt walking through the Central Park and looking over his shoulder to Blaine with this light in his eyes and his lips formed into a smile filled with happiness. The one he and Kurt were looking at some weeks ago. 

“You are here,” Blaine breathed, not able to stop his happiness and stood right next to Kurt, keeping his distance but still feeling his warmth.

“Of course,” Kurt said looking at Blaine and then looking around and back at him: “I didn't want to disturb you though. I saw you with your fans and how busy you were so I took the time I had and admired your work. Which is amazing.”

Pride swelled inside of him and was all over his face. He had no doubts when it was about his work but hearing Kurt saying this made everything just so much more important and worth it.

“Thanks.”

“You're welcome,” Kurt said and looked back at the painting with him walking through Central Park: “I'm surprised you used this too. Not that I have something against it, because I don't, but I'm still surprised.”

“I wasn't sure to be honest but Jason isn't here so it's okay I guess. No one will think it's strange but that it's just a gorgeous painting.”

The blue of Kurt's eyes turned into a deeper blue, a sign that he was moved and close to tears, good tears and with the music in the background, a too familiar sound it was easy for them to forget the world for some heart beats.

“Is this you playing the piano?” asked Kurt, swirling his finger around through nothing but air and let his hand back down, hanging next to his thigh.

“Mhm. I wanted something special for tonight so I recorded it last night.”

“Special and familiar someone might say.”

“Home, someone might say.”

They both turned to the painting, standing way too close considering what they agreed on doing but they couldn't care less. Not now, not with this song and not with all these memories of whispered lyrics so many years ago. This moment, right here was what Blaine loved to do and now, with Kurt next to his side it was perfect. Remembering how he talked with Kurt about their future, about that he dreamed becoming a painter and take Kurt to his art exhibitions, show Kurt what he could do, how Kurt was his inspiration for everything and the motivation to do more, become better. He dreamed taking him here and see the proud smile from his boyfriend, maybe he had even been his fiancé.

“When can I see you? Alone?” Blaine whispered, knowing Kurt could hear him so close like they were standing.

“Garret will leave soon and be gone till the end of September. Next Thursday I believe.”

Ah, yes, reality. The reality was that Kurt was engaged, responsible for not only himself but also his fiancé. The guy who was a mystery for Blaine to be honest after hearing that Isabelle and Garret didn't come along.

“Okay... I just... I want to kiss you so bad. It feels like years the last time I kissed you.”

Kurt only smiled – Blaine saw it from the corner of his eyes – and then felt his fingertips brushing his, pressing against them and Blaine pressed back. The same fragile, breath touch, the same message, their silent conversation, like all these years ago. Words he didn't need to hear because he knew them. Kurt was his, would be his the question was only when and how. By the way his breath was leaving his lungs, by the way his heart was pounding right against his ribs – he was sure it would just jump out of his chest and scream at them – there was no single doubt.

“I... I want that too. I want you more than anything,” Kurt whispered, his voice thick with emotions but his eyes not telling what his mouth did: “But not here. I still need to figure things out.”

“Whatever it is,” Blaine smiled before Kurt lost his smile: “I said I'll wait and I'll listen. No matter what.”

“Thank you,” Kurt squeezed his fingers for one last time and then they were gone, resting against his thigh: “And I want to see you on Thursday, after work.”

 

* * *

 

When Kurt left the art exhibition he felt happy but also like his own world was ripping in two. It was a cold night for September or maybe it was only his soul which made him shiver. Cold, evil soul, unsure where to go and how to handle his heart which was even colder. Everything was cold when Blaine wasn't around him. Everything was gray when Blaine wasn't with him. There was still this annoying question if this was even real what he felt or not. Questions about what if things won't work out, what if Blaine realized he wasn't the Kurt he used to know – or so he thought – or what if Garret would ruin everything because Garret Joyce never lost, always got what he wanted.

While walking he chased the thought which told him he was scared. Scared of his fiancé, scared of the impact this all could have on his future, on his and Blaine's future. Scared of fucking up all over again. Because this was his life after he and Blaine broke up. Fucked up. He'd found things that made him happy, he did what he loves – fashion, costumes – and he had some good times with guys until he met Garret. But, whenever he was alone without having to do something but just facing his mind he realized how fucked up everything was. Not his studies, not his work but his own well being. Not his weight or his look, nothing like that. Something so deep, deeper than his soul, his heart. The deepest place inside of him only Blaine could touch, love and heal. And he lost that, he'd lost it and wasn't sure how to deal with this emptiness. Like any other human being he learned to accept it, handle it and then he met Garret over and over again. So he simply forgot about it, was busy with a new love, with new things and it was fine, it was okay. Enough to stay alive and feel something just a bit close to those things he used to feel with Blaine.

No, Kurt hadn't been heartbroken or depressive. He hadn't felt like no one would love him again. Their break up was nothing like that. Even when they broke up he still loved Blaine, still waited and hoped, knowing neither Kurt nor Blaine would come back very soon. And days turned to weeks, months and years.

 

 _Rip the earth in two with your mind_  
And seal the urge which ensues with brass wires  
I never meant you any harm  
But your tears feel warm as they fall on my forearms 

 

Kurt knew people got used to things, situations easily, it only needs time. He was one of those and now that he almost had it back he treated all this like it meant nothing. Because he was scared. Scared that Blaine wouldn't wait but get hurt, scared that all this pressure was too much. But most over he was scared of his own fiancé.

Garret who never lost, never gave in. Garret who could be scary and mean. Garret who was able to damage someones life with one simple word, with one simple action. He was scared that he could become one of those people. Only the people Garret loved, called his friends, were his boss, only those people never had to be afraid to meet this side of him. So Kurt was never worried that Garret would ruin him because they loved each other. Also Kurt never thought to want Blaine back, maybe meet him, yes, but he thought he wasn't in love with him anymore. Oh he was wrong, so wrong he had no idea.

 

_But close my eyes for a while  
And force from the world a patient smile_

That's why he was scared though he hoped, because Garret loved him, he would let him go and be happy. Kurt just wasn't sure what was stronger, Garrets love for him or Garret love for himself. He was questioning their relationship, their love, everything. Not for the first time. He knew Blaine would never tell Kurt he wasn't good enough and he would never tell him to not do something he was sure about. Blaine would be the first person standing right next to Kurt and support him no matter what it was. Even when Kurt decided to join a rock band and become a musician Blaine would wonder why but never stop Kurt if it was what he wanted to do.

 

 _And how can you say that your truth is better than ours?_  
Shoulder to shoulder, now brother, we carry no arms  
And the blind man sleeps in the doorway his home  
If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won 

 

Garret though, he wouldn't and he didn't. Work felt like high school with him. Everything with Garret – Kurt realized – felt like he was the stupid, untalented kid and Garret the teacher, knowing everything. Sure he tried to talk with him, explain how he felt and Garret listened but made it clear that this was not his intention, followed by a sweet kiss and some nice clothes or whatever Kurt wanted. But he was no kid, he wasn't seventeen or eighteen, he was almost 28 years old and damn well knowing what he wanted and what he could do. This made it look like Garret was a bad person, and yes, sometimes he did bad things but he also had other sides which Kurt loved, which made him say yes when Garret asked to marry him. He gave him all and hoped this was the right thing to do.

 

 _But I gave you all_  
I gave you all  
I gave you all  


Now with Blaine back in his life he understood how all of this was nothing he wanted or needed. With Blaine back in his life, reminding him what it felt like to share a kiss which made you forget time and place, reminding him what it felt like to have a connection with someone, to have a soulmate he truly understood that Garret is not the person he imagined to spent forever with.

Hell yes, he knew all of this but he still was scared, scared and unsure and needed this time. Time with Blaine, time to see if it still was there, not just those simple kisses, the easy talk, he needed more time, to be sure.

This was a lame excuse but the only thing that gave him time to find a way to deal with Garret. To find a way to break up with him without making him his enemy. No, he wasn't worried about himself but about Blaine. Blaine who went through so much, who was his savior, his first love, his everything when he was seventeen almost eighteen.

 

Close my eyes for a while  
And force from the world a patient smile

 

Kurt sighed as he reached the building he was living in, unlocking the door and taking the stairs. Telling Blaine about all of this was no option yet. Blaine would be worried for no reason and he didn't need that right now. Opening the door he stood still, eyebrow raised in confusion. There was a shirt laying on the floor and shoes – Garrets shoes – right next to it. Closing the door he took his jacket off, shoes, and followed the line of clothes. Jacket, shirt, undershirt, pants in the living room and socks and – Kurt stood still again. The living room was a mess. There were empty bottles of wine on the coffee table, pieces of paper on the floor along with snacks. It didn't look like Garret had a party, not really and this scared him somehow. Not wanting to think about it he began to clean the mess up and as he picked up the pieces of paper he noticed that it were his drawings. His ideas, work years old, days old. What the fuck? Kurt made sure to get all the pieces together and felt like someone tried to ruin him. His work, the only thing he knew he was good at and loved it. But who? Garret? No, he wouldn't do that. He said Kurt that he wasn't there yet – when it was about work – but he would never destroy Kurt's work. He knew how much it meant to him.

After cleaning Kurt took a long shower, not sure if he wanted to know where Garret was. Isabelle was right, wasn't she? This, exactly this was totally unlike Garret. Leaving a mess in his own expensive apartment? On the expensive wooden floor? The couch and table? No. This was definitely not Garret. What if someone broke in? But why would someone break in and drink wine, leave a mess and leave? No, only Garret and he had a key to their apartment, it must have been him, right? God, his head hurt so bad because nothing made sense so he decided to go straight to bed and sleep but before that making sure no one was here he didn't know.

Changing into his pajamas he checked the kitchen, the guestroom, his room and no one was there. No person, no mess so he went to their bedroom and as he opened the door he saw the lamp on the nightstand still being on, and Garret laying in their bed. He was naked, Kurt could tell, laying on his stomach and breathing evenly. There was no suspicious smell in their bedroom, nothing like alcohol or anything. Closing the door he walked quietly to his fiancé, eyes running from his toes to his head, making sure there was nothing to be worried about.

 

 _But I gave you all_  
I gave you all  
I gave you all 

 

His hand reaching for the blond hair he let his fingers run through it, examining his face and then, slowly Garret opened his eyes – he wasn't sleeping. They were kind of unfocused, not in the way when you wake up, it was different and Kurt didn't like it.

“Kurt,” he mumbled and his hand found Kurt's knee, slowly making it's way up his thigh.

“What happened? The living room was a mess.”

“Got a bit upset.”

 

 _And you rip it from my hands_  
And you swear it's all gone  
And you rip out all I had  
Just to say that you've won 

 

Upset? And that was reason enough to destroy his work? His drawings? The things that meant so much for Kurt but apparently Garret didn't care? He tried to stay calm, to force a smile because, maybe, something was wrong and he couldn't help himself but be worried alongside his anger.

“Care to tell me?”

“I missed you,” was his answer as he took Kurt's hand and guided it under his body. Kurt wanted to call him out, tell him he couldn't do that but when his fingers felt his fiancés hard cock and saw his eyes, his face, his whole expression like he wasn't even here with him he got scared and confused at the same time.

“I want you, Kurt.”

“You are drunk, or whatever. Go back to sleep and-” but Garret tugged his hand a bit stronger scooted to the other side of the bed and made room for Kurt, eyes focused on him now with an intensity Kurt had never seen before.

“I miss you and I'll be missing you. You know I have to go soon.”

Garret's hand was back on Kurt's thigh, moving up and tugging on the waistband of his pajamas. He didn't want that, not again. It happened like three times already and it was always after Garret did something that is not him. This mess was not Garret, his behavior when he came back from those parties sometimes was not him. And each time when this happened he got upset, angry, sometimes even scary. Swallowing the lump down in his throat he knew it would be a bad idea to refuse.

 

 _And you rip it from my hands_  
And you swear it's all gone  
And you rip out all I had  
Just to say that you've won, you've won  
Well, now you've won 

 

So he gave in, climbing into the bed and trying not to cry, not to show anything – even if he was sure Garret didn't notice it. But it was better, better to let him get off on him than meeting the other side. The side which was dangerous and made him immobile. Kurt was on his front, back to Garret and felt his open mouth against his shoulder, felt him move and waited, waited for it to be over.

This was not what he wanted. This was not what it should be like, or feel like. Because right after his fiancé came he rolled off of Kurt, facing away and falling asleep. He didn't understand it, not why this was happening or how it even began. What had he done wrong? What was it that made Garret to this? He couldn't even name it what Garret did. He never raped him, he never really forced him – of course not because Kurt gave in, knowing this was the easy way. But for him? For his own well being? No, he was hurting himself with this and he knew it.

All that was left was Kurt feeling so alone that he wrapped his arms around his trembling body and holding his soul together. No tears, no sound, only focusing on staying alive with only one thought. A thought no one could take away from him, gave him strength, held him together so he wouldn't break but try to find a way out of this what became his life.

 

Blaine.

 

 _But I gave you all_  
I gave you all  
I gave you all 

 

 


	20. A Painting

 

Chapter 20. A Painting

 

**9 years ago – Lima – Ohio**

 

It was strange for Kurt to spent some time alone. It were only for some hours but they felt like an eternity. There were enough things he could do to be distracted until Blaine came back from his aunt's home but it was still strange. When he was reading a book he usually did it with Blaine and they talked about it. But whenever something interesting happened he turned his face to the side and Blaine wasn't there. When Kurt was watching a movie he was laughing alone, being upset or crying. When he cooked something there was no Blaine who would steal a bite and give him an innocent look. It was like those hours alone was only half of him and the other half was somewhere else. It was a strange feeling, one he didn't notice before. Why should he? Blaine usually was always around him.

That this would have such an impact on him was scary but also telling him so much he needed to sit down and take deep breath sometimes. There were so many things he felt when this thought crossed his mind. Feelings which made him feel happy, knees weak, that he just wanted to lay down on his bed and drown in those feelings. He was literally high but then lonely again when Blaine still wasn't back. He understood that this was important for his boyfriend but this was also the time when they were alone. Burt and Carole were still gone for a week and he wanted just a day alone with Blaine. No Finn, no friends, no visits to his aunt.

Sitting down on the couch in the living room he watched whatever was on TV and waited until he heard the front door going open.

“I'm back!” and Kurt smiled as he heard his favorite voice, jumping off the couch and leaning against the door frame while Blaine took his shoes off.

“Sorry it took so long,” he apologized, paint on his face and clothes. An imagine Kurt enjoyed and thought it was just adorable.

“It's okay. I know you enjoy what you are doing and that this is important for you. But now take a shower and then we'll eat?”

Nodding Blaine just did that and an hour later they went to Kurt's room, or most likely their room kissing all the way to the bed. Kurt knew Blaine felt bad for leaving him alone and he was sure Blaine didn't like to be away from him too. So he wondered why Blaine never took him with him. It wasn't like Leona and Kurt didn't come along. They did, perfectly but for some reason Blaine wanted Kurt to stay here. Right now he couldn't think about those things because Blaine's lips on his were far more interesting and needed. Stumbling back Kurt fell on the bed, Blaine following him with a smirk and was soon over his boyfriend, lips back on his.

He felt Blaine's fingers running through his hair, humming while they shared sweet kisses, comforting kisses and the familiar warmth ran through his whole body that he felt like he was floating. Blaine pulled back, eyes half open, smile soft and lips red which kissed his forehead, cheeks and nose and sighing as he burrowing his face into Kurt's chest and wrapped his arms around him, just like Kurt did.

“I miss you there. It's strange to be away from you although it's just for some hours. But this is important to me and I really enjoy doing this.”

Well, actually getting some evidence was always good.

“It's okay. I mean, yeah, it sucks to be away from you but so we'll be when we go to New York because I'll be at NYADA and you won't. So I understand that you need to do this and as long as it makes you happy and are sure that this is what you want, I'll handle it.”

“Thank you, beautiful.”

Kurt stopped breathing, moving, his fingers still tangled in Blaine's curls and his eyes watching his boyfriends eyelashes flutter. They never used any pet-names, any endearing words because this wasn't them. At least this wasn't them some months ago. Now everything was different. Thinking Blaine would call him like this – beautiful, baby, love, honey – made him breathless, happy and yes, he felt loved.

“You okay?” Blaine's voice dragged him out of his thoughts and he looked back down, their eyes meeting. Slowly Kurt licked his lips, trying to calm himself down but he was more than sure that Blaine could feel, hear, his heartbeat.

“You... you called me... beautiful.”

Air left his nose as Blaine smiled and moved up, holding himself up with his left elbow so he could look at Kurt while his right hand cupped Kurt's rosy cheek.

“You don't like that?”

“No, it's not that. It's just... new? I never thought about this, you know? Using pet names or something. It was always childish and silly for me and... just nothing I ever thought I would hear.”

“Believe me. For me it was the worst thing ever to hear people say because it hurt. Knowing they have someone who thinks of them in a special, loved way. I never thought someone would say this to me or that I would say that to someone, ever. I guess you felt the same way?”

Not for one second Kurt looked away from his boyfriend, listening, nodding to his question and taking the hand which was on his cheek, the other running up and down Blaine's back.

“All the things I see and understand now. Sometimes it's really scary but not in a bad way.”

“I know what you mean,” Blaine whispered and kissed Kurt's cheek, making him smile: “And I call you beautiful because you are beautiful.”

Kurt frowned looking at his boyfriend like he wasn't taking him serious.

“I'm serious,” he said knowing exactly what Kurt was thinking.

“Can I call you puppy then? Because you have those puppy eyes.”

Blaine laughed, lacing their fingers together: “You can call me whatever you want.”

“I'm not sure if this is a smart suggestion from you.”

They laughed together and then Kurt moved closer, kissing Blaine's neck and letting his head rest on his shoulder. This was almost too good to be true. But it was true. This was his life now, their life in which they loved someone and got love in return. Supporting each other, healing each other and never even thinking of going back to be who they once were. And this was more than Kurt ever dreamed about, ever hoped for.

“I want us to have what any other person has. Share what any other couple can. No more fights, no more self-destruction. Just us being happy, with our friends, with the people who love us too and care.”

Kurt nodded again, running his finger along Blaine's collarbone. He wanted this too. All of it.

“Am I moving to fast?” Blaine asked when Kurt didn't answer.

“No,” he breathed and smiled: “It's perfect just, you know, new and a bit scary. And it's not like I would do something that makes me uncomfortable.”

“Tell me about it. I still have to control my anger and with Santana always picking on us it's not easy.”

His hand found Blaine's cheek, turning his head so that he was looking down, right into Kurt's eyes: “Then focus on me.” A kiss. “Just on me.”

There was a moment, a moment of understanding and agreement and Blaine leaned back down, pressing his lips against Kurt's and not wanting to stop kissing him. The sweet kiss changed into tongues sliding together, mouths open and small whimpers and moans falling from their lips. This was nothing they didn't do before. Whenever they got the chance to make out they did it but never actually had sex, or were completely naked, not trusting their hormones. But Kurt had already seen his boyfriend bare chest, his legs but never more and he was literally aching for this moment to see him completely.

Blaine was above him, straddling Kurt and took his shirt off just like Kurt and leaned back down, kissing, breathing through their noses as they felt the skin of the other. His cock was twitching in his pajama pants, waiting for some contact, for Blaine to roll his hips down. When this happened he bit gently down on Blaine's bottom lip, shuddering by the low moan his boyfriend made. They were rutting against the other, hands touching each part of skin and lips desperately sliding together. This was good, this sensation, this feeling they both still needed to explore grew and grew and soon Kurt felt it, in his balls, in his belly and came, Blaine following right after him. There was no need to feel any shame to come so fast and just from this. Hell, watching Blaine was sometimes enough to make him come.

Trying to breath he let his arms fall down on the bed, feeling Blaine's hot breath against his chest, both bodies trembling, burning and a bit sweaty. Of course it was amazing to make out with Blaine, trusting him so much that he let this happen and trusting him even more to go further. Still, there was a mutual understanding that their time wasn't there yet.

“Sorry,” Blaine mumbled.  
“For the amazing orgasm?”

“No,” he laughed, voice rough and slowly sliding off of Kurt and showing him his own blissful smile: “That I ruined your pajamas. I seriously wanted to be naked but your kisses make me forget everything I want to do but just to kiss you more.”

“You wanted to go further?” Kurt asked quietly, his fingers running up and down Blaine's arm, feeling the warm and soft skin but never breaking eye contact.

“I was thinking about it because we've talked about going further. And I know how alone you must feel because I feel it too when you aren't with me. So this was my idea of... I don't know showing you that I didn't forget?”

“It's fine, Blaine. Really. We have time, a lot of time I hope-”

“Of course we have. I won't leave you, ever.”

Kurt smiled, eyes watering just a little bit: “So then... there is time. We are still waiting to hear anything from the Colleges in New York, final exams, prom, graduation. Enough things we'll do together.”

“Looking for a place to live together, moving out together.”

He was excited, heard Blaine's excitement and knowing they would do all of this together made the fact that Blaine would leave him again for some hours bearable.

“I want you to come with me. Next week. I want to show you what I was working on.”

He was already blinking back some tears he felt but now he couldn't hold them back anymore. Only one tear found it's way out of his eyes but it was enough so Blaine looked alarmed. His thumb wiped the tear away also the second one and his alarmed expression changed into slight confusion as Kurt still was smiling.

“Why are you crying? Did I do something?”

Kurt sniffed, trying not to giggle but took a shaking breath: “No. It's just... you want to share this with me though it's something only meant for you. And then thinking about all the things we will do and the time we'll be together... maybe even forever. It just makes me happy. You make me so happy and feel loved I... I still wonder if this is real or just a dream and one day... I'll wake up and be the person, living the life I lived before we met.”

He watched Blaine holding his breath for a while, then smiling reaching his eyes in the softest and most beautiful way, glistening with unshed tears.

“If you cry, Anderson, I swear to God I'll never say stuff like that again.”

Blaine giggled and Kurt smiled watching his beautiful boyfriend. It was true though. Remembering how Blaine looked like when he was this bad boy was hot, yes, but this was real, hotter and everything Kurt needed and loved. Soft warm eyes, curls sometimes gelled sometimes not, eyelashes long and beautiful and lips that could turn into the most breathtaking and beautiful smile he'd ever seen. Body small but compact, shoulders and arms strong, holding him and make him feel safe and like falling into a space with love, utterly and completely surrounded by it.

“I love it when you share these kind of things with me. Believe me, it's not easy for me to open up too but I do it. I want you to know what I think though I know you probably know it anyway. Or at least we think we know it but it doesn't hurt to hear it.”

Blaine kissed him, softly keeping his lips close to Kurt's as he spoke: “And forever sounds perfect to me.”

“Good,” Kurt whispered and kissed him again.

 

* * *

 

Three days later Blaine took Kurt with him and both were for some reason pretty excited. For Blaine it was just another step to open himself up to Kurt and trusting him that he would treat this right. Not hurt him, not let him fall. For Kurt this was just the same and also that Blaine wanted him to be part of anything. They both wanted a future together but not really knowing what this truly meant for them. How though? They were only seventeen – almost eighteen – and still struggling with all the good things life showed them.

Crossing the street hand in hand they walked to the front porch of Leona's house. Inside they walked through the hallway and to a room at the end of the hallway. Kurt saw Leona's beautiful garden through the window and when he looked to the right he saw Blaine, opening a door to the conservatory. It was a white room, windows letting the sunlight in and made everything look really pretty. But this was no conservatory as Kurt thought it would be. It was a room from a painter. Marks on the walls, brushes and under the windows were paintings. Wonderful, vivid paintings. A park, the beach, people sitting in the Lima Bean, Leona painting something. Wait. Kurt blinked and eyed those paintings again while Blaine stood nervously next to him, clutching his hand and keeping his eyes on Kurt. But Kurt was too focused on the paintings.

He eyes the park painting, a small one he knew from here and yes, it had it's flaws but it was still beautiful. The beach was probably made up in Blaine's head or he had a picture and used it as an example. The Lima Bean was one of the most perfect paintings. The building, the sky, the small figures, each detail captured in this painting. But the one with Leona was the most beautiful Kurt thought. She just stood there, painting while the soft sunlight fell on her. The white shirt looked almost yellow, the jeans a soft green and blue and he if he didn't know it better he'd thought just by touching the painting he would fall right into this scene.

Thinking this was made by his boyfriend, that Blaine who used to be such a bad boy and fighting against anyone, feeling angry and living in a world of his own - dark, painful and perhaps black and white – was able to capture all these colors all this life in one painting made him proud and breathless. He'd came a long way. They both did.

“Kurt? Please... say something,” Blaine whispered and Kurt turned his neck so he could look at him. Big eyes stared back, shining golden and questioning even a bit scared so the first thing Kurt did – before he decided to tease him because this was unfair right now – is smiling. Soft, warm, the smile he only had saved for Blaine and saw him relaxing but still waiting.

“They are beautiful,” he began, kissing Blaine's eyebrow and saying: “Really. They are beautiful and you are talented. I mean, God, they look almost like they could move.”

“There are still mistakes though.”

Blaine's voice was small, his eyes staring at Kurt but he only shook his head and squeezed Blaine's hand: “Yes, this might be true. But you are working on it and you have a talent. I'm really proud of you.”

And then there it was, this huge smile stretching all over Blaine's face, reaching his eyes and showing all his teeth. Kurt was sure this smile would always make him feel all the butterflies in his belly, remind him what it all took to make Blaine smile like this and how much he loved it.

“I can show you how it's done,” his boyfriend said and took both of Kurt's hands, dragging him to the canvas standing on easel in the middle of the room. Kurt let him lead the way, smiling because, yes, he wanted to be part of this world. The world his boyfriend only was living in and he wanted to understand it as far as he could.

Standing right in front of the white empty canvas Blaine took a brush, standing behind Kurt and gave it Kurt as he took the color palette and showed Kurt how to hold it. As Kurt followed his instruction Blaine took a green paint tube, squeezing some color out on the palette and standing behind Kurt, smiling, flush to his back. Kurt felt his hands on his own, guiding the brush into the green paint and then to the canvas, no words needed. Together they filled the white place with a light green color which was a good feeling. Green meant hope and Kurt had a lot of hope. Especially when it was about him and Blaine. Maybe it was foolish to put all his hope into their relationship, maybe even wrong or immature. But this was his safe place, his heaven and his home.

Humming Blaine watched Kurt taking the red paint, squeezing some on the palette and painting a heard on the green color as it was dry enough. Kurt felt Blaine's hands on his waist, his chin resting on his shoulder looking what he was doing and giggling as he saw the red heart he was drawing, painting a K and B into the heart and grinning when he finished it.

“Cheesy,” Blaine laughed and kissed Kurt's neck as he took a blue color, feeling how Blaine watched him with curiosity. Kurt could feel how he didn't approve choosing a blue color but this was not Kurt's plan. Not at all. He cleaned the brush in a little cup filled with water, took some of the blue color and pressed the brush against Blaine's nose. With a giggle he jumped back, watching Blaine's eyes go wide, staring on the blue mark on his nose and then he took another brush, gathering some of the blue color himself and pressed it against Kurt's cheek.

There were more colors, more brushes painting their skin, giggles, squirming away from the other and he knew they were happy together. But this was the first time they were silly happy. Laughing, teasing and just be, for some minutes the silly teenage boys they should had been years ago. It felt good, so good to do that. At some point, covered in different colors Blaine grabbed Kurt and pressed him flush against his body, lips pressing on his. Naturally Kurt's arms found their way around Blaine's neck, pulling him closer and smiling into the gentle kiss. Forgotten was the paint, the canvas, the heart which was now covered also in blue, yellow and white. All what mattered was this moment. Perfect for them.

“Let's go home,” Blaine breathed after he broke their kiss, his nose nuzzling against Kurt's who only nodded.

 

* * *

 

The water was warm pouring down on his skin while Blaine hummed happily as Kurt washed the paint out of his dark curls. No they weren't naked. But both knew where this was leading. No words were needed, nothing but their touch and look. They washed each other clean, free from the colors which were on their faces and shared lazy kisses or smiled like love sick puppies at each other followed by some shy giggles. It felt different when Blaine's hand touched his bare chest, different when he touched Blaine's skin. Though it was the same skin, the same person it was different. It was like with each touch, each time he felt Blaine's skin on his he went deeper inside his soul, inside his life, creating a bond Kurt wasn't sure how to handle it. But it felt good, so good that just for some seconds he needed to lean against his boyfriend, hold him and being held. This was his life, simple as that but so hard to accept that this was also real.

No dream, no illusion but reality.

Free from all the paint Blaine turned the water off and faced Kurt right after it. There was love in his eyes and Kurt could see how proud he felt about himself. Kissing his nose he left the shower first, dried himself and changed into a new pair of black boxer briefs. Luckily Finn was fine with going to Puck, luckily his Dad and Carole were on their honeymoon. The had the house to themselves, just like they wished it would be. Leaving the bathroom he walked to his room, feeling nervous he tried everything to not change his mind. He was insecure about all of this when Blaine didn't share anything with Kurt. That day though he made it pretty clear to him that Kurt was a part of his life, the most important.

Blaine shared with Kurt all the things from the past, then he was walking next to Blaine and experienced the same things. But when he decided to go to his aunt's place, to try this out Kurt became insecure. He thought that because Blaine loved him, because they were boyfriends and because of the things they'd accomplished together that he would also be a part of this progress. But he wasn't and so he began to question their relationship. Was it as deep as he thought? As true and special? He got his answer today and needed to bite his lip to stop grinning.

Kurt walked to his bed, turning the lamp on the nightstand on and staring down on the dark blue sheets, the two pillows one for him one for Blaine. So many nights had he slept with him here, cuddling, talking, falling asleep and waking up. So many nights he wished would never stop. So many nights he looked forward too and when he heard the door going open, heard Blaine walking inside he knew, tonight would be one of those special nights. The most important night for them. Slowly turning around he saw Blaine's nervous smile and felt his shaking fingers wrapping around his hand to find the anchor Blaine needed and hearing him inhaling, breathing out and then speaking.

“Please tell me you are nervous too. Because I'm about to freak out for some reason.”

“No... I feel the same. This... is huge,” and it was. It was one of those steps he never thought about, never cared about because there was no love like this one in his life before. Sex was never something important to him and never something he wanted to do. He heard some of his friends talking about it, how good it was, how much fun it was, some even talked about building a deeper connection to their partner. Kurt had no partner before Blaine and he didn't know other gay kids. He was focused on other stuff, destroying his life and himself. Now everything was different and he wanted to experience this with Blaine.

“You still want to?” it was Blaine who asked their eyes finding each other: “Because if not that's totally okay. I understand that this might be scary and...”

Kurt listened to his rambling, listened and with each word said he smiled warmer and warmer and this was a side Blaine was hiding for a very long time. His nervous, young and insecure site. Yes, he was mainly the person in their relationship to keep them both calm, gave good advices and was always sure what was right and wrong. Blaine did this for them, for Kurt to feel safe around him, trust him and love him. Because Kurt was everything Blaine had left in his life.

But his silly, adorable boyfriend needed to understand he didn't need to be always strong, mature and the one guiding them. He needed to understand that Kurt loved him for everything he was.

“I want to,” he said after he silenced Blaine by pressing his finger against his boyfriend's lips. They both were silent for a while and just looking, searching in the eyes of the other for something, a single doubt, anything but there was none.

“I love you, Blaine, and I trust you.” he took both of Blaine's hands into his, squeezing them: “You were healing me, like I was healing you right from the start. Only we knew how to touch the others heart and soul. And because we know this, because we love and care about each other I want this. I want to love you in each way possible and become a part of you no one will ever replace.”

Both smiled warm and eyes shining overwhelmed by what they felt for each other, by what they remembered, lived and dreamed about. All of this together, all of this guided by warm and safe hands.

“First touch,” Blaine whispered and looked down at their hands.

“First kiss,” he kissed Kurt's lips.

“First love. Holding my heart and keeping it alive,” he pressed Kurt's palm right above his heart and his own on Kurt's. His words made Kurt breathless, knowing how true they were and knowing how much more there was words probably never could describe it. But he tried to think about phrases which made it clear how much more there was. Maybe he would never find those words but one thing was clear. Blaine's hands, his voice, just Blaine himself could make him love so deep and honest, care and take so much and give so much back. He needed this and wanted this forever.

Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt, holding each other close for just a while and then his forehead was pressed against Kurt's naked shoulder, fingers wandering down and stopping at Kurt's waistband of Kurt's briefs. With a nod Kurt gave Blaine his okay but also himself the sign to stop thinking and just follow his heart. Both took their underwear off, locking eyes and drowning into the gold and blue while a warm smile bloomed over their lips. It felt good how Blaine kissed his cheek, how his hands ran slowly over his skin, how Kurt's own hands stroke over Blaine's skin. Just exploring, just feeling and getting comfortable.

Slowly Kurt pulled back, sitting down on their bed and holding Blaine's hand to follow him, blushing when he saw him, all of him – and Blaine blushed too. He was already half hard, thick and – oh my god – Kurt needed to look away for a second because this was the first time he saw a cock which wasn't his. But then this was Blaine, his beautiful Blaine who made himself just as vulnerable as Kurt. Like so many times but this time was different. This was about making a connection so deep he honestly couldn't wait for this to happen. Give himself to Blaine and take Blaine.

“You are beautiful,” Blaine whispered as he leaned down, kissing his lips and Kurt moved back until his head found the pillows and Blaine was hovering him, like so many times before. He opened his legs, closing his eyes as Blaine settled between them and both stopped breathing when their bodies were pressed together. Kurt felt his heart pounding hard against his chest like it tried to be closer to Blaine's which was just as fast as his own. His cock grew to full hardness alongside Blaine's and a small whimper fell from his lips. Everything was so warm, so soft and when both found their breath Blaine began to move his hips slowly.

“Oh god,” Kurt groaned, voice high and hands holding Blaine's face to keep him close. He felt Blaine's breath, the moans and whimpers falling on his face and slowly moved his hips with Blaine's giving their cocks the perfect friction. His smile came back just as he opened his eyes, seeing Blaine's dark and blown away but shining with nothing but love. Deep, raw love for him and Kurt was sure he had the same look.

Their hips stopped when they were too close to come and licking his lips he watched Blaine leaning over to the nightstand taking the lube out of the drawer and also a condom.

“Blaine?”

“Yes?”

“I... I don't want to use it.”

Blaine blinked, eyes moving back to the bottle and the small package and back to Kurt.

“But it will hurt if we-”

“I mean the condom,” he almost giggled but Blaine looked even more confused: “We are... both virgins. We are clean and... I know we are responsible people but-”

“You want to love without anything between us.”

It wasn't surprising, not at all. Blaine could read his mind with enough words, sometimes even with just one look.

“I'm fine with that,” he said placing the condom back into the drawer and opened the bottle. When they decided to have sex they both agreed that Kurt would bottom for the first time. At first they thought about switching but Kurt wasn't sure if he was able to do anything after that and Blaine neither. That's why he said nothing as Blaine poured some of the lube on his fingers and warmed it up between them, eyes never leaving Kurt's happy and aroused face.

He looked so good, so beautiful with his curls, his small waist, his eyes warm and hands constantly on Kurt's skin when he wasn't doing something else. Blaine leaned down, kissing his lips, cheek, down to his jaw and neck in a slow and lovely way Kurt needed to take a deep breath again and for sure not for the last time that night. Closing his eyes he felt Blaine's breath on his shoulder followed by lips and further down to his chest, kissing close to his heart.

“Turn around so you can get more comfortable.”

Without hesitation Kurt did that turning his head to the left side and soon Blaine was there, making sure to see Kurt's face while his finger moved down the crack of Kurt's ass.

“Oh fuck,” he tried not too jump, not to whimper but this feeling was new, strange but oh so welcome at the same time.

“Tell me when I do something wrong,” Blaine whispered kissing Kurt's bare shoulder and lowering his eyes to watch his finger move further down until he found Kurt's hole and slowly, gently pushed one finger inside. Closing his eyes Kurt spread his legs a little, giving his boyfriend better access and thinking how silly his boyfriend was. How could he do something wrong when he was so gentle and loved him? He couldn't do anything wrong.

Blaine's eyes were back on his while he felt Blaine's finger thrusting in and out, watching his mouth hanging open, lips red eyes darker than ever and whimpering because of how tight Kurt was. A second finger followed, stretching Kurt more and more, hitting this one sweet spot and he couldn't help himself but moan wantonly. He felt his cock twitch, Blaine's against his thigh and when he opened his eyes, seeing Blaine's aroused face, red cheeks tongue wetting his lips he stretched his neck and Blaine got the hint and leaned down, kissing him desperately.

After the third finger pumping in and out of him, kisses with tongue, lips slick with saliva Kurt couldn't wait anymore and just whimpered a simple: “ _Blaine_ ,” and slowly the fingers disappeared. It was odd but he needed something back inside. Something that was Blaine, just Blaine. He needed him as close as possible.

“Wait... I just-”

Kurt turned around, laying on his side and facing Blaine hearing his labored breath.

“Honey?”

“I just want to enjoy this for a while. Just looking at you.”

Smiling Kurt settled down again, his hand stroking Blaine's arm while the warm light of the lamp was shining on their skin. Warm, light orange and when Blaine lay down next to him he kissed Kurt's nose, one leg around his body to keep him close.

“I want to remember this, burn it into my head so I'll never forget and remember when hard times come.”

Humming in agreement Kurt touched Blaine's cheek, ran his hand over his cheekbone, eyebrow, down to his jaw, chest, slowly feeling and breathing him in. Eyes golden, shining with so much life, so much happiness, if they were a drug they would be Kurt's favorites. And Blaine did just the same, touching, exploring and feeling all over again, drawing lines with his finger and leaving nothing but love and warmth. It was like with each touch they healed each other again and, this time, to bond their souls even more.

“Ready?” Blaine asked after a while of just smiling, kissing and touching.

Kurt nodded and wrapped his hand around Blaine's cock, stroking it back to full hardness and making his boyfriend shudder and moan, in return getting a teasing smile.

“Kurt,” he groaned while Kurt held himself up on one elbow, his left hand finding the back of Blaine's head and kissing.

“I love you.”

“Mhm, love you too,” he said letting his hand run down Kurt's side and took the lube once again. Back on his back Kurt made himself comfortable while Blaine crawled between his legs and coated his cock with lube. Watching Blaine touching his own cock between his legs shouldn't be as hot as it was. But it was hot and made him whimper because he needed Blaine, so much.

“Okay,” Blaine breathed and placed his shaking hands on Kurt's knees to spread his legs a little more: “Do you want a pillow under your lower back?”

Kurt shook his head, not trusting his voice.

“Okay... then... tell me if it hurts, okay?”

“Okay.”

One last deep breath and then he felt the thick head of Blaine's cock nudging against his hole and slowly, slick and hot sinking inside. Biting his lips he tried not to make a sound, knowing that it would burn at the beginning but it wasn't that. This was Blaine sinking into him, connecting with him in a way so intimate, in a way he never dreamed of – never dreamed of ever doing this because he had been scared – and he could just feel it. All of it. Blaine was huge, sinking deeper and his hands ran over Kurt's thighs, soothingly while he heard that it was also hard for Blaine to deal with all the things he felt. When Blaine was completely inside him he felt his hands searching for Kurt's and immediately he held them, tight, needing them and opened his eyes when Blaine was back above him.

“Kurt? You okay, baby?”

“Mhm,” he nodded feeling tears coming up and didn't even try to stop them: “You feel good.”

Not only had Kurt tears in his eyes.

“You too,” Blaine whispered, kissing him sweetly and wrapped one hand around Kurt's hip to keep him steady, the other behind Kurt's head and Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine's shoulders as he began to move.

“Oh fuck,” a deep low moan found its way into Kurt's ear and all he could do was respond with just the same sound. The slowly thrusts of in and out felt strange at first but then became good, hitting the right places and making him feel so much pleasure he had no idea he could feel. And when Blaine hit that spot again he threw his head back and pleading for more. He knew they wouldn't last for long, not without a condom, not for the first time. This was too good, too much to handle it for a long time.

His legs wrapped around Blaine, pressing him closer deeper and moving with him to find the perfect rhythm. And when he looked into Blaine's eyes, dark eyes only focused on Kurt he couldn't help but smile, moan again and then kiss his boyfriend with all he had. He was his love, his soulmate, his everything and because of the kiss, those thoughts and Blaine going faster, he didn't stop himself from coming all over his body. Two, three more thrusts and Blaine came too still buried deep inside Kurt.

His mind was literally off and all he could focus was his own crazy breathing, Blaine laying on him and waiting for the cloud to go away. But he felt good, so good that when his mind began to work again all he could do was smiling, blissfully. He waited for Blaine feeling how his breath found normal pace, body moving and their eyes met while their faces spoke for themselves. Happy, boneless and in love. Kurt ran a hand through Blaine's curls, giggling when he kissed his cheek and heard him saying that he would go for a towel. Nodding he winced when Blaine pulled out and felt empty, so empty he wished he could just do this again or keep Blaine there. If he had the strength for it he would do that but he didn't.

Blaine came back, kneeling next to Kurt and cleaning his skin with the warm, wet towel, placing it on the nightstand when he was done and sighing happily when he was back next to Kurt. They didn't say anything, they didn't need. Their eyes and faces said everything and holding each other they both fell into a deep sleep.

 

 

 

 

 


	21. Advice

 

Chapter 21. Advice

 

There was a lot running through Blaine's head because he had the time to think. Jason was out of town – somewhere in California – and there were no paintings needed to be done and his exhibition was a success. All he could do was focus on things he hadn't time for like reading a book or watching the episodes of his favorite TV show because he missed them. He could had done those things but he didn't. Most of the time he was sitting at the window on the white window bench. In his first apartment, where he and Kurt lived together they had a familiar window bench and Kurt used to sit there and just enjoy the view on the city. He used to read there, drink his first coffee, cuddle with Blaine and always, always looking so beautiful so that Blaine ended up asking himself how he got so lucky. This was more than seven years ago, before they began to fight, before they broke up.

His thoughts were also about those seven years they would never get back. Seven years in which they both changed and dealt with the terrible feeling of a broken heart. Blaine remembered the ache, this cold hole inside his chest, how he couldn't sometimes even breath because Kurt wasn't there. He thought about what people they were, who they became and how much they changed. There were seven years he had not seen Kurt. Seven years in which he changed his thoughts, his smiles and laughs, his person. In which he met new people, saw new places, learned new things without Blaine. In which he was angry, sad, happy or sacred and Blaine wasn't there to comfort him or be happy with him. It always hurt him when Blaine reminded himself he would never get those seven years back. But he knew he would have loved Kurt regardless. He knew it because he never stopped loving him.

It didn't really matter if Kurt changed Blaine knew he would love him anyway because Kurt was his savior, his soulmate, his one and only. Since the day when he said 'I love you' Blaine knew he would never love someone like he loved Kurt. There was no other person to love for Blaine. It was Kurt, with all his changes, with all his new stuff Blaine still would get to know. And no, he wasn't scared to find something that made him stop loving Kurt. This was impossible for him because even if there was something 'uncharacteristic' which the Kurt from seven years would have never thought or said or done, Blaine knew he himself changed too. And he knew he changed just so much, just so right to love Kurt even more and to be the one who Kurt loves.

Now was the time to find a way so they could actually be together. Sighing Blaine sat down on the bench and stared out of the window, watching the sun going down between all the trees. Okay, he agreed on having an affair with Kurt and not breaking up with his boyfriend, same for Kurt. And like days before he noticed his idea about cheating was perhaps completely fucked up. Still, this was not the thing that worried him, it was the fact that Kurt was fine with that. He said he needed time to see if it was real, which, of course, was not necessary. They were it, they are meant to be together and there was no need to tell Kurt this. He knew it, just like Blaine.

Something was wrong, something Blaine couldn't tell if it was because of Garret or because of Kurt's work, but something was there and it scared Kurt. Of course he tried to believe that it was only about being sure, more time to see if it actually will work out. But those words and Kurt's scared look didn't fit together. He wanted to ask him if he was even right with his theory that Kurt was scared. It still could have been a different look now.

His phone was buzzing from the coffee table and slowly he stood up reading a message from Jason.

 

**Jason 6:57pm:**

I miss u sweetheart. Garret's here with me which is good. I had no idea.

 

Blaine raised an eyebrow when he read Garret's name. He had no idea that Garret was working with Jason this time too. Also when he found out they have been friends for years now but he never got to meet Garret was not surprising. Jason never took his work friends home unlike Blaine. Right after the first time they had met Kurt and Garret together with their friends Jason told him about his old friend and, like Kurt he only said good things about Garret. A rich guy with manners and working hard. The perfect guy someone might say. A friend Jason liked very much but said that he never had something with him, which Blaine believed without a doubt. He always wanted to ask Jason out about Garret but he never asked because this would have been suspicious and he knew they would end up fighting. But this also meant that Jason knew Kurt was here, they both were here alone and knowing Jason he still thought something could happen. So Blaine took his phone and texted his first lie of many.

 

**Blaine 7:03pm:**

Miss u too and with Garret it will be fun I guess. I'm busy till u come back. Helping out Santana.

 

And he knew Jason would text her, ask her if this was true so Blaine made two other calls.

 

* * *

 

 

Blaine literally ran out of the kitchen, through the living room to open the door as heard the familiar harsh knocking. He wiped his hands dry on his jeans, opened the door and Santana walked inside, her eyes focused on Blaine who only swallowed. He called her and told her about that he had to tell her something important and that he needed to see her alone. And of course she had her own assumption what it was about. That's why he closed the door right after she was inside.

“Did you finally broke up with Jason?”

“Um, no,” he mumbled and caught her look: “But that's why I called you.”

She narrowed her eyes, Blaine swallowed and then she began to walk through the living room, her head moving around to inspect everything: “So you want to help me to break up with him? Or are you scared you'll do something-” she stopped talking as she looked into the kitchen where Kurt was sitting, face unreadable: “-dumb. Blaine?”

She turned back while Blaine moved pass her and smiled at Kurt when he saw him, making sure that things were still okay with him. Kurt nodded slowly and both looked back to Santana who just stood there and moved her eyes from Blaine to Kurt and back, while she crossed her arms and walked to the kitchen counter leaning against it.

“You both are doing something dumb. Oh my God.”

But before they could say something Santana raised her voice once again.

“No. Don't fuck with me. I know you two and I know you can't just stay away from each other. This break up was plain stupid from the beginning and now you two are doing what? Cheating? I mean, yeah, I've cheated too but this is not you guys. Honestly I don't want to drag you two out of this black hole if this won't work out.”

Blaine squeezed Kurt's shoulder and looked down to the floor, chasing his thoughts and then he looked at Kurt, seeing him swallow, seeing how his eyes were wide unfocused and then how his hands held each other, fingers moving nervously. That was it, he was sure Kurt was scared for whatever reason.

“I know this isn't us, Santana,” Blaine began: “But we have our reasons why we can't break up with our boyfriends yet.”

“Really? And what's that?” she asked with a narrowed eyes.

“We want to be sure that we aren't just imagining stuff,” Kurt said and his voice sounded calm while his body wasn't.

“Kurt's right. We broke up seven years ago and we haven't seen each other for whole seven years. Maybe we are wrong and we are just imagining stuff because we never had any kind of closure.” Santana gave Blaine only one look, a look only they both understood.

You are shitting me.

And Blaine gave her his typical look when this happened.

Not now, I'll explain later.

“And you called me for what?”

“Help us.”

And Santana's eyes widened so much they thought they would fall out of her head.

“I told Jason that I'm busy working at the bar and I know he'll call you or text you to be sure. He is working with Kurt's fiancé and I know he won't like this idea and make sure to know what I do.”

Santana still gave no answer and Blaine became insecure. There had been no doubt that Santana wouldn't help them but this changed when he looked at her face. Eyes wide, fingers clutching her arms and mouth pressed into a thin line.

“It wasn't Blaine's idea. It was mine,” Kurt said and Blaine felt his hand on his own: “I'm not ready to break up with Garret but I want to be sure about what we feel. So if you want to blame someone blame me.”

“I'm not blaming anyone. Hell I know what emotions can do to a person. I just never thought you two would ever do something like this.”

Blaine exhaled before she even gave her answer knowing he had to explain all of this anyway. At least what he thought was going on.

“Fine. Whatever. I always said you two would end up married and be those embarrassing daddies and spoiling your kids.”

Well both knew they weren't there yet but it was a good feeling to have Santana on their side. And he felt how Kurt relaxed, how his hand held Blaine's gently and he gave him a small smile while Blaine pressed a kiss on his head.

“So that's the reason why you invited and Mike and Mercedes? You want to tell them about you too?”

“Yes. We know we can trust you and them and we know you'll understand but also that it's not right.”

“No Blaine, it's not right. Frankly, this is totally fucked up.”

“I know,” and he gave her the same look again and Santana sighed.

“Whatever. I'll make sure Jason thinks you are working and you two can... figure out whatever you need to figure out.”

They thanked her, hugged her while she grumbled something and left Blaine's apartment, leaving them alone. Blaine was sure that he would have to explain everything tomorrow in the morning while he helped her to clean the bar. She wouldn't back off until she knew everything and after being friends with her for seven years in which they got to know each other really well he was sure some things he couldn't hide. In fact, maybe it was good to have her on this boat and share his thoughts with her. Santana was not in love with Kurt, she saw things Blaine maybe didn't see or imagined and also that she knew it now, finally knew it was a huge relief for him.

“I'm sorry,” Kurt whispered after Blaine felt his head resting on his shoulder.

“Don't be sorry, Kurt. You have your reasons and I accept that. Though I have to say I'm worried that there is something you... you can't tell me?”

He felt Kurt's arms wound around him holding him closer, breathing in and out and that was answer enough for Blaine. Something was terribly wrong and Kurt didn't want or couldn't talk about it. His arm around Kurt's middle he leaded them both back into the living room, sitting down on the couch and letting his eyes roam over Kurt's exhausted expression while his fingers ran through his hair, knowing it helped him to calm down. But Kurt said nothing, no word, no sound and just let himself fall into the feeling of Blaine's fingers, arms and body.

 

* * *

 

It had been almost a week since the last time he heard something from Kurt. Something more than I'm busy with work, sorry, which wasn't helping him or them. But Blaine promised to wait so he didn't ask and waited. He knew Garret wasn't there so it wasn't like Kurt couldn't see him that's why Blaine searched for new reasons why he acted the way he did. This was easier said than done considering that he had no idea what Kurt was doing beside working or living with his fiancé. And soon his worries grew too big and he decided to visit Kurt at his workplace. Dressed in a nice green shirt with, dark jeans, his hair gelled he walked inside the building and asked for Kurt Hummel only to get the answer he wasn't there. Blaine raised both eyebrows, staring at the brown haired woman and said: “Are you sure?”

She sighed, nodding and said it again: “I'm sorry but Mr. Hummel isn't here today.”

Biting his lower lip he swallowed down the words he wanted to say, like Kurt just texted him today that he was working again and obviously, it was a lie. Lying became almost like something normal for him. Lying to Jason, to some of his friends but to Kurt? No, Blaine never wanted to lie to Kurt but Kurt did it and this... hurt.

“Thank you,” he said and turned around, eyes watching the elevator opening and for a second he hoped it would be Kurt, that this woman made a mistake but only another woman came out. Small, thin, blue eyes and wearing a white gorgeous dress. Her hair was dark blond, open and he was sure she was probably his mothers age she looked pretty young.

“Can I help you?” she asked, voice lovely and clear and dragging him out of his thoughts.

“Uh, no. Not really, I was just looking for a friend.”

“Maybe I can help you. I'm the boss here, so ask me anything,” she smiled and Blaine thought with such a nice boss who wouldn't want to work here. Well, this was his first impression but then... his mouth hung slightly open. Boss? Like Kurt's boss?

“You are Isabelle, right? I'm Blaine.”

Her blue eyes changed from warmth to curiosity and then to awareness. This smile she gave him, with so much knowledge, with so much heart gave Blaine hope to maybe find an answer he wanted to find so desperately.

“Blaine, nice to meet you. I guess you are here for Kurt?”

He took her hand and nodded slowly: “But he isn't here, right? He... he told me he is at work and I wanted to make sure he is fine.”

There was no reason to not trust her, to not tell her why he was here. Kurt always talked about her like she was one of his best friends and Blaine was more than sure that with the truth he wouldn't do any harm. And no, her smile was answer enough.

“Come on. We should take this into my office.”

With a grateful smile he nodded while Isabelle leaded the way to the elevator. It didn't take long and he was sitting with her in her office, white, many glasses and fancy furniture, modern just like fashion should be or something like that.

“Sit down and I fix us some coffee, okay?”

“Thank you.”

He waited for her and as soon as she came back with two mugs she sat down, facing Blaine over the table and just stared at him for a while. Her eyes were moving from his head to his toe the same smile staying on her lips and Blaine wasn't sure what to think about that. So he decided to look away, nervously though he was 27 years old he felt like a little boy.

“You are so adorable. I bet you and Kurt look good together.”

He blushed: “Thanks.”

“Sorry, I just think you both are perfect for each other. You look just like I imagined it from Kurt's stories and you have those shiny eyes.”

So Kurt talked about him? Even at the time when they didn't see each other?

“Sorry, I'm being creepy. So you are here because you thought Kurt was here?”

Collecting himself and trying to stop feeling like a shy boy – because yes, this was still Kurt's boss – he nodded.

“You know what... what happened between us and I guess you also know what we decided to do?”

Isabelle nodded over her mug and took a sip.

“Well, so, I haven't seen Kurt for a while now and he told me he was busy with work. But I was worried and I wanted to be sure that he was okay. That's why I came here and now I'm even more worried that something is wrong.”

“He is okay, don't worry. I visited him today because I was worried too. It's very unlike Kurt to not come to work but I guess he is under a lot of pressure.”

“Pressure because of work? I mean, you don't have to answer any of my question and, honestly, I feel uncomfortable being here and ask stuff behind his back. But I tried to ask him what was wrong and he wouldn't say anything. I told him I'll wait but... there is so much words can do which no hug or kiss could ever do.”

“It's okay, I understand you. Kurt isn't telling me stuff either. He doesn't even see how good he is when it's about fashion.”

This... was new. He blinked a couple of times, bending his head lightly to the right side. Kurt loved fashion and he even changed his studies to become a designer. Whenever they talked about their work he saw his eyes were sparkling, unlike seven years ago when he studied at NYADA. This was what he loved, what he truly enjoyed but Isabelle said he didn't see how good he was?

“I don't understand. I know Kurt loves his work, he is living his work but he doesn't see how good he is?”

Isabelle shook her head: “I've been telling him for a year now to apply as full time designer. Right now he is just an assistant. Garret's assistant.”

Without any control his hands turned into fists when he heard that. It wasn't unknown that Kurt was an assistant but that he was his boyfriend's assistant was new. Why would he be the assistant of his boyfriend? Wasn't this something like a conflict in interests?

“Garret has a lot of influence on Kurt and I'm sure he is telling him to wait. But he is ready, you know? His work is amazing, his ideas are amazing but I can't just take them from him without his permission. He hides everything away from me for a while now and I'm sure it's not his decision alone.”

“You think Garret forces him to do that? That's insane. He loves Kurt and shouldn't that mean he has to support Kurt as good as he can?”

“That's not Garret. He is the kind of guy who wants to be the best and also the one who takes care of everything. At least that's what Kurt is telling me. It's nothing bad but it's bad for Kurt because I can see how much he enjoys what he is doing here. I also can't fire Garret because he is good at his work too.”

Blaine couldn't believe it if this was true. First why would Garret want that, making Kurt clearly unhappy and second, what happened to Kurt that he let that happen? Kurt never let anyone take his dreams away or stop what he wanted to do. His Kurt was always fighting and doing his best and whenever he read Vogue or when he talked about clothes in general he was glowing. Smiling, eyes the deepest blue he had ever seen. Something was not right, not at all.

“This is not Kurt. He would never let anyone stop him living his dream.”

Isabelle gave him such a kind smile, eyes shining with so much he couldn't even name.

“I see why you two should be together. But when you are together with someone like Garret it's not that easy to break up.”

“What do you mean?”

“I'm not saying that Garret is bad to Kurt. Not at all. But there were some occurrences which made me worried. Like he got into fights at after parties, was rude and freaking out. I'm not even sure if he was drunk each time this happened but it was scary. So I asked Kurt if he and Garret were fine, if he was treating Kurt right and he said yes. But, you know, Garret is a smartass and he knows how to talk to people.”

“You think he is... hurting him?”

Just the thought, just the idea someone would ever hurt his Kurt, his love made his blood boil. If this was the reason why Kurt wouldn't leave Garret, if this was really happening behind their walls he knew he would never keep his promise and wait. Never. This was Kurt who got hurt and he didn't give one fuck about Garret.

“I'm not saying that. Kurt never had bruises or anything. Nothing, really. It just happened in the last two months at after parties and maybe they have a hard time or something. Or Garret has a hard time and at home he is the perfect fiancé. Kurt told me he never got hurt by Garret.”

“But you wish they wouldn't be together?”

“I wish Kurt would be together with someone who loves him and supports him no matter what. And my impression is that Garret isn't doing that. When I visited him today he was fine, I promise. Garret isn't here anyway but something is eating his soul and I'm not sure what it is or what to do.”

They never talked about Garret, not about this. Blaine had no idea that something like that was happening. Even Jason said nothing about it and maybe he had no idea that this was happening. But he was with Garret now, working with him and what if he ended up in some trouble with him? There he sat, worried about Jason but more about Kurt. He couldn't text Jason and tell him to stay away from Garret without taking the risk to be suspicious. But he also couldn't go to Kurt and tell him what Isabelle had just told him. And maybe they both were wrong and whatever Garret did outside their apartment wasn't part of his and Kurt's domestic life? He hoped that, he really did.

“I do not know much about Garret and I don't want to make stuff up. But just knowing Kurt won't apply for a job although it's his dream is unlike Kurt. Also being together with someone who, maybe, is a lovely guy inside their apartment but not outside? This is also unlike Kurt.”

“You promised him to wait, right?”

Blaine nodded.

“Sometimes you have to change promises, you know? Just to get something better. A better life, a better job. And I'm sure if Kurt will listen to someone it's you. He won't tell me anything, even today he tried to convince me he had a head ache and needed a day off. But I couldn't believe him.”

Maybe they both were just imagining stuff, maybe they were wrong about Garret. But it was making Blaine angry and eating his soul thinking this could be the reason. And she was right, something was not right, terribly wrong and he needed to find out what it was.

“You two agreed on spending time so, take him out. Go there and take him out. Show him what he is missing. Not with haste but with something else.”

He already had an idea what he wanted to do.

 

* * *

 

 

He didn't want to open the door but whoever was behind it wouldn't stop pressing the door bell. Kurt was sure it was Santana because that was something she totally would do and though he didn't want to face her it was better to get over it and do it now before she came back later with all her temper. Unlocking the door and wearing his pajamas his eyes widened when it wasn't Santana but Blaine.

“Blaine? What are you doing here?”

“Picking you up for our date!” he smiled and stepped inside.

Kurt raised both eyebrows, closing the door and trying to remember that they agreed on a date. But there was nothing inside his memories.

“No, we don't actually have a date. But, it's Saturday. Actually it's the beginning of the Autumn today.”

Out of an habit he was checking his hair with his fingers, the other arm wrapped around his middle though Blaine knew how he looked like when he wasn't styled or dressed up.

“And I thought we could go out to the Central Park and watch the yearly 'Dance Into The Autumn' festival.”

“I'm... I'm not sure about that. It's public and-”

“Please?” Blaine pouted knowing this was always working on Kurt. And Kurt stared at his pout, wanting to kiss it away.

“We haven't been there for such a long time and I know you like it.”

And Kurt sighed, letting go of his hair and body and accepting the kiss, followed by a wide grin from Blaine.

“I just change into something more presentable.”

 

 

 

 

 


	22. Not With Haste

 

Chapter 22. Not With Haste

 

They walked to the Central Park. Blaine wheeled his bicycle while Kurt walked beside him the sun already going down and whenever Kurt looked at Blaine's face he looked so happy and it was intoxicating, like Blaine's everything. So Kurt's smile was honest, small but honest because the last days were more than exhausting. Not because of work and not because of Blaine. Those were the only things that kept him sane, made him happy and not fall into a deep dark hole. But it didn't stop. Garret texted him weird messages every second day. How he missed Kurt, how he wished Kurt would quit his job and let him do everything. Something Garret usually didn't do. Therefore, Isabelle's words were echoing in his head over and over again how weird Garret was when they were out and how worried she was. Maybe there was something Garret didn't tell him and Kurt was worried but then also scared thinking what his fiancé wanted when he had one of those strange moods.

Though, Kurt wasn't dumb. It was obvious something was not right and that Garret was doing something that wasn't okay and it had a huge influence on him. Asking what was wrong? Not a good option because he wasn't sure if he wanted to know it at all or if Garret would get the question wrong, like so many things in the past weeks. So what was left was hope. Hope that this was just a phase and that Garret would come to him and tell him what happened. If something had happened so Kurt could stop feeling so scared and worried.

“This bicycle is more than eight years old,” Kurt said needing to get out of his own thoughts.

Blaine laughed and eyed his purple bicycle and the golden basked filled with a blanket, a silver thermos bottle and biscuits.

“It still works and I love it very much. Also there are too many memories connected with it.”

“Like the one time I almost broke my leg when you wanted me to sit on the carrier?”

“First this never happened and I would never let that happen and, second, we had way too much fun cycling around the city. I remember how much you enjoyed standing on the carrier when you figured it out.”

Kurt gave him a pointed look but then smiled because those memories were good. The best actually. The life he had so many years ago had been perfect and he missed it, especially since Garret is acting so weird and when he realized how much he missed Blaine.

When they reached the Central Park both could already see all the people coming together on the meadow. There was the usual white Pavilion for the band which would play the music for the festival and seeing this brought so many memories back Kurt needed to stop walking and just breath it all in. He remembered how they came here, just 18 years old and excited about their new life and deeply in love. They came here, danced through the night and everything seemed like a good long dream. No one was calling them out because they were gay, no one gave them a strange looks, nothing. They could just be who they were and dance, sing, laugh just like any other couple. Kurt remembered how they curled up on a blanket, watching the stars, sharing some lazy kisses and sighing blissfully happy.

Blaine came back to him after he took the basket off and they walked over the meadow looking for a place for them. They soon found one under a tree, not very close to the Pavilion but close enough to hear the music. They grabbed the blanket together, placing it down on the grass and sat down next to each other. He watched Blaine taking the thermos and two cups out filling them with hot chocolate because although it was still September it could easily get cold during the night and the sky was already in orange, pink and blue colors.

“Aren't you worried someone might see us? Like our friends?” Kurt asked holding his cup with both hands just to make sure they were busy and not reaching out for Blaine.

“No. I know for fact that they are all way to busy with their kids and the life of a parent. And Jason and Garret are in California, so no. I'm not worried.”

“But you are kind of famous, don't you think someone-”

“Don't worry, Kurt.” Blaine said with a smile and Kurt pressed his lips together, knowing he was just looking for excuses at this point.

“I'm not really famous and if I wasn't sure this is safe we wouldn't be here.”

Kurt knew that, of course he knew that. Blaine always made sure they both were comfortable and safe, just like Kurt did. But the circumstances were different this time. Slowly he felt this cold feeling again, like something was trying to pull him away from Blaine, from the one thing he really needed and gave him strength. Something that was no person but his own mind.

“Remember how we came here for the first time? How we got lost in New York and happened to be here?”

Kurt smiled: “Of course. That was also the day you've found your beloved bicycle. Although it looked more like schlock. And you just took it with you.”

“And you were so embarrassed that you wouldn't walk with me.”

“And then you were cleaning it and fixing it for days, even at night. Sexual frustration was by best friend then.”

Blaine laughed and so did Kurt, taking a sip from his hot chocolate and floating in those old memories.

“But look how beautiful it is. I had no idea what I was doing but luckily you are familiar with this.”

“Mhm,” Kurt hummed. “My dad laughed for days when I told him that you found a bicycle and wanted to fix it.”

“How is your dad?” Blaine asked with curious eyes.

“He is fine. Still with Carole and really happy. She takes good care of him and even convinced him to stop working so much. Now he has a girl in his garage working when he can't. She is really talented though my dad thinks it's suspicious and his new hobby is to literally spy on her when she works.”

Blaine laughed about that and Kurt grinned.

“What about Leona and Julia? Still together?”

“Oh, yes! Happy mothers of two kids, a boy and a girl. They are still living in Ohio and we call each other from time to time.”

Kurt wanted to ask what she said about their break up because he never got the chance to meet her again after that. His dad though, he and Blaine still called each other but apparently not that much since he asked about his dad. No, Kurt stopped talking about Blaine after some months because it hurt way too much.

They were silent for a while which Kurt used to eat a biscuit and drink some more of his hot chocolate until Blaine spoke.

“I have to be honest, Kurt. I'm worried that you hide something from me I should know.”

He watched Blaine eying the blanket, then his eyes and felt Blaine's fingers touch, gently, his knee. Kurt tried not to swallow, not to look suspicious or that he was right but it wasn't easy when all his mind did is throwing those images of Garret back.

“I said I'll wait and I will wait. But I can't look at you being so... hurt, so scared, and watch you hide and avoid me. I'm really worried Kurt and maybe I'm wrong and there is nothing but only the pressure we both are under. But, please, whatever happens, no matter what it is talk to me.”

It felt like all those years ago when Blaine said he loved Kurt but Kurt couldn't say it back, so Blaine waited, showed Kurt his love and never expected something in return. It was like all those years ago when Blaine just knew what to do because he had Kurt. This was almost the same thing, almost. This time though, Kurt knew he wanted Blaine and that this was real. He knew it like he knew that he needed to drink water when he was thirsty, like he knew when he touched fire it would hurt and burn his skin. But he needed this excuse to keep him safe, away from his fiancé who could turn into an insane person if he needed to. And he was worried about Garret, really worried because this was still the person he loved. Not like he loved Blaine but different. Not to forget that Blaine could also turn into a scary person when he was jealous or when someone hurt Kurt. After all this was Blaine Anderson, ex bad boy who knew how to fight and did not forget it but avoided those situations.

And because he wasn't trusting his own voice and words he wrapped his hand around Blaine's, leaned over and kissed his cheek lightly and the music began to play from the pavilion.

“I'm okay.”

Blaine only nodded and squeezed Kurt's hand back. Blaine didn't believe him, Kurt saw it but was grateful that he stayed quiet.

“So Halloween at Santana's bar? Or do you guys have other plans?”

“I'll come alone, probably. Garret doesn't like 'silly' things. He only goes to those parties after fashion shows and, you know, work events. Anything else is silly.”

He could see Blaine wanted to say something about that, or even Garret, but he didn't.

“Jason will be there too so... I can't really-”

“It's fine. We are together there, with our friends so it's fine. Maybe Jason will have mercy with me and we can dance together.”

“Of course we will. I'm not his toy, I'm still a free person and one dance with you won't kill him.” Blaine assured.

They both looked up as some people began to dance to the slow music and the sky turned from orange to pink and purple. Smiling Kurt watched Blaine pulling to glasses out of the basket. Inside were candles and he lit them just to place them in front of them. Kurt's eyes were locked on the warm light, watching them flicker when the light wind found its way inside the glass. This was romantic, yes of course it was. He was sitting next to the person who once was his world and now again. Sitting here with all this countless memories, with all these feelings inside his heart.

Their love had never been complicated. It was always simple but big, too big that after seven years he didn't understand it how with one look, smile or touch Blaine could turn him into the happiest person ever. Into someone who wasn't scared, didn't need to pretend or run but just be and take the love one had for him and give the same back.

“Do you hear it?” Blaine asked and Kurt pushed his thoughts aside listening to the sound. A familiar sound and people dancing to it. And then the words. Words which reached his heart, the corners that hadn't been touched for years. Corners that only belonged to Blaine.

 

 _Your eyes they tie me down so hard_  
I'll never learn to put up a guard  
So keep my love, my candle bright  
Learn me hard, oh learn me right 

 

He smiled, this moment suddenly bittersweet and then he heard Blaine singing silently and looking at him. “ _This ain't no sham. I am what I am._ ”

Kurt sighed, feeling his heart swell with so much love he had not felt for a very long time. Their fingers touched and found their way finally together. Just now he noticed how he ached to feel Blaine's touch, his hugs, his kisses. He hadn't kissed him for weeks.

Blaine's eyes were warm, shining in gold and amber and locked on their hands while his thumb ran over Kurt knuckles.

“We used to dance to this song.”

“I know.” Kurt breathed and moved just a little bit closer and let the words in, let them touch the corners in his heart that hadn't been touched for so long.

 

 _Though I may speak some tongue of old_  
Or even spit out some holy word  
I have no strength from which to speak  
When you sit me down, and see I'm weak 

 

“Dance with me.” said Blaine and stood up, still holding Kurt's hand. He hesitated just for a second and stood up, not letting go of Blaine's hand.

 

 _We will run and scream_  
You will dance with me  
They'll fulfill our dreams and we'll be free 

 

Blaine beamed at Kurt, holding his right hand in his left and the other rested on Kurt's waist as he slowly began to move. And Kurt couldn't help himself but smile and let Blaine lead them, breathing everything in like he needed it to survive. He knew how warm those hands were and how safe he always felt when they held him. This body, maybe small, maybe looking like he was weak held the most beautiful soul inside. This body that used to keep him warm when winter came, which used to comfort him and give him pleasure and love. This body Kurt once loved whenever he could because it kept the person alive he needed so bad.

 

 _And we will be who we are_  
And they'll heal our scars  
Sadness will be far away

 

He let his hand rest on Blaine's arm, following his lead and forgetting who was there or what happened or what could happen. Because this here, right here leaded by those hands, watching this smile, those eyes, was his heaven. His happy place. His home. It almost felt like those seven years never happened and they were always like this for ten years.

 

 _So as we walked through fields of green_  
Was the fairest sun I'd ever seen  
And I was broke, I was on my knees  
And you said yes as I said please

 

Because here he could be who he was, love what he loved and be sure that Blaine would support him no matter what. No matter if he was angry or sad, Blaine always handled it. Even when Kurt was the world's biggest asshole, Blaine didn't mind and waited. And how, oh how could he not want that back and look for excuses. What happened to him, the boy who used to use his own mind and do what he loved? The boy who stood up for himself?

 

With a giggle he let Blaine twirl him around and dragged him back flush against his body as their foreheads leaned against the other.

 

 _This ain't no sham_  
I am what I am  
I leave no time  
For a cynic's mind 

 

If he'd been a bit braver, a bit more sure Kurt knew he wouldn't be with Garret anymore and Blaine with Jason. They would be here as boyfriends, dancing into their old and new life, living their dreams together, be who they were without being afraid to show it because they knew each other anyway. Yes, if he could he would do that. But Kurt was weak. He became weak in the past seven years and collected pieces of someone he never wanted to become.

“Hey. You'll hurt your pretty head if you think too much.” Blaine whispered into his ear and made Kurt smiled and sang together with Blaine, silently.

 

 _We will run and scream_  
You will dance with me  
Fulfill our dreams and we'll be free  
  
We will be who we are  
And they'll heal our scars  
Sadness will be far away 

 

And after those words, after just looking into Blaine's eyes and seeing all he needed Kurt leaned in, like Blaine and finally felt his lips against his own, not dancing anymore too focused on the kiss. Focused on the hands holding his face and the feeling of Blaine's pulse as his fingers wrapped around Blaine's wrist.

 

 _Do not let my fickle flesh go to waste_  
As it keeps my heart and soul in its place  
And I will love with urgency but not with haste 

 

Even when the song was over and some people sat back down, even as the night came closer neither of them could break the kiss. It was no deep kiss, no desperation. It was a kiss, close to their first kiss from so many years ago. When they were younger, scared and needed each other in a way they hadn't understood back then. Each kiss was careful but telling more than words could. Each kiss told Kurt they were still the same, they felt still the same maybe even more if this was possible. Each kiss shoot right into his heart, filling the empty corners which belonged to Blaine. Healing his soul, his mind and when their kiss broke he smiled, truly smiled and wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck.

Another song began and slowly they pulled back, only their fingers holding each other and sat back down on the blanket, smiling so easily and not worried about anything. Not now. Blaine poured some more hot chocolate in their cups, handing it to Kurt and as soon as his one hand was free and Kurt closer, so the their knees were touching, their fingers found their way back together.

For any other person this would had been simple hand holding, a simple gesture. Nothing special, nothing important. But it was so much more for Kurt and Blaine. It was their thing, their way to communicate when words weren't there or needed. Their way to give the other what he needed, my it be comfort, strength or just the simple reminder they weren't alone. And feeling this again after such a long time was like falling into a river of all good memories and feelings Blaine gave him.

“What's on your mind?” Blaine whispered, leaning his forehead against Kurt's cheek.

It took Kurt some seconds to answer because feeling him was distracting and intoxicating. It made it hard to think and breath but in the best way. So he blinked then closed his eyes and pressed his lips gently against Blaine's eyebrow.

“We and... what we were and what we can be.”

“Does it make you happy?”

Kurt nodded without hesitation. It was the only thing that made him really happy. The kind of happy which tried to burst out of your body so everyone could see how happy he was.

“What about you?”

Eyelashes touched his skin when Blaine closed his eyes and hummed thoughtfully.

“I'm thinking about the same. And... how could we ever let this go.”

“We can't change it.”

“No. We can't and I don't want to think about it all the time because you are here now, we are here and we can be us again. But there are so many things we did without the other. So many things I still don't know and somewhere there is this fear like... I'll never know.”

“Like we'll lose each other again?”

“We don't even have each other. Not like it should be.”

This was true and it hurt and scared Kurt. What they had was nothing real but also no dream. It was them being something, just something so they could kiss, hug and be. But not like it once felt because of their partners.

“We will be. I know we will. Maybe not tomorrow but we will.” Kurt said probably just to convince himself. Blaine kissed his jaw and said nothing. He just smiled when he pulled back and looked up watching the first stars appearing in the night sky. Kurt did the same, watching the little lights coming out one after the other and helped Blaine placing the biscuit, cups and thermos back into the basket. He didn't need to ask what Blaine was doing because this wasn't unfamiliar. Together they placed the candles next to the basket and lay down on the blanket, hands holding and watching the stars while the music still played in the background and some people left the meadow.

They watched the sky turning darker, stars becoming brighter and their hands holding each other firmer. Kurt couldn't help himself but wonder how he was able to live without those simple things he and Blaine always enjoyed. Something like this, just lying on a blanket and watching stars in silence. Garret never did those simple things. He was the kind of guy who liked to spent money and do something more luxury than just going into a park and watch stars. He moved his left hand up, holding above his face and eyed the silver ring on his ringfinger. Once he was so happy and proud to wear, showing it off, smile at it when he saw it. Now it was just heavy, cold and a burden that Kurt thought about to take the ring of and throw it away. Break all this, be free and replace it with another ring from someone else. From the person right next to him.

 

* * *

 

“Come with me. Stay tonight.” Blaine whispered after they left the meadow and went back to his bicycle, basket attached to the stem.

“Blaine-” Kurt began to speak but Blaine cut him off as he took both of Kurt's hands into his own.

“I just... I don't have any expectations or inappropriate thoughts. All I want is to fall asleep next to you and wake up next to you.”

Kurt looked down at their hands. Those hands who became a bit older.

“We can talk all night if you want to. Watch something, whatever you want.”

The prospect of spending the night with Blaine made him almost cry. He spent three years with Blaine in one bed and when he slept alone again it almost split his heart into two, his soul, his whole being. Now he just ached for it, needing it back but the dark shadow, also called hid conscience. However, this was the only way to work everything out like he wanted them to do. Spending time together. Sighing his eyes were still focused on their hands and then on his ring which suddenly felt to tight around his finger. As he pulled his hands away from Blaine he could feel how tense Blaine became, probably worried that he went too far.

“Okay,” said Kurt as he slipped the ring off of his finger and exhaled. This felt much better, so much better. He stuffed in into his pocket and looked back up into Blaine's eyes, wide and shining but then his lips stretched into this huge smile.

“Good, then, let's hurry up,” he almost jumped to his bicycle, Kurt followed him.

“I'm not going to sit on the carrier without a pillow.”

Blaine laughed and took the blanket out of the basket and his own jacket off.

“It will be fun, come on,” he gave Kurt his smug smile and then laughed as he folded the blanket and jacket to place it down on the carrier.

“You are lucky you're so adorable,” Kurt sighed standing next to Blaine and kissing his cheek.

“And you are beautiful,” Blaine whispered back no more joking in his voice.

Kurt blushed and Blaine smiled throwing his leg over the vehicle and waiting for Kurt to sit down. Blaine pushed them off, trying to gain control but they almost fell and when he was finally wheeling they laughed together, feeling like the young boys they once were. In silence they drove through the park, to the city and all the lights, people and cars were flying by like a blurry picture. The noises of the city were nothing but a hum in his ears, even when some people called them out because Blaine was losing control again they both laughed about it, Kurt not noticing how his arms wrapped around Blaine's waist when he almost lost control again. But when he did he couldn't care less. No, he leaned closer to Blaine, resting his head against Blaine's back and holding him a bit tighter.

“You alright there?” Blaine asked over his shoulder.

“I am,” was Kurt's happy respond and he closed his eyes when Blaine placed his hand over Kurt's.

 

* * *

Kurt couldn't stop smiling, not when they arrived and he jumped off the carrier, not when they were inside Blaine's apartment and drinking tea. Or that was their plan but Kurt ended up sitting on Blaine's lap and sharing sweet kisses or just nuzzling against his cheek, arms around Blaine's shoulders and breathing all of this in so he would never forget it again. Everything like Blaine's hand around his waist, one on his thigh, eyelashes fluttering against his cheek, curls tickling his skin, the familiar smell that was just Blaine. Warm sun, paint and coffee. It was almost midnight but Kurt didn't feel tired, he couldn't get tired of just being close to him. It felt so good to not be scared or worried for a while.

“You look just a little bit older.”

“Do I have gray hair already?” Blaine joked when Kurt ran his fingers through his curls.

“No,” he hummed: “It's still just as dark and full without gel. It's more about your eyes and your heart.”

“Tell me more,” whispered Blaine and kissed his cheek.

“Your eyes are clear, shining like you know what you want and who you are. And you are more sure about everything you do and want. Calmer, more mature you know? I remember how you were before we broke up. Unsure, but alive. Working hard but also partying. You still are this silly guy but you've grown up. I guess, that's what comes when you get older.”

“Sounds like I'm boring and old.”

“Not like that silly,” Kurt smacked his arm playfully.

“I just do what I love. This keeps me calm and focused but also happy. Jason sometimes doesn't agree with the time I spend on my paintings because, yeah, I get them easily done and fast after all those years of practice. But I won't let anyone take this away from me.”

Kurt smiled, ignoring how it made him feel like to hear this but not doing it for himself. He loved his work, but he wasn't doing what he really wanted to do.

“I'm proud of you. Like I've always been. I hope I can do what I love too, one day.”

Blaine was silent and this surprised Kurt. Usually he would ask why or if he was unhappy with what he was doing but something else came out of his mouth.

“I met your boss. She is really lovely.”

“Why? How?” Kurt felt nervous.

“I went to your workplace because I was worried and met her. She told me how she wished you would apply for a spot as a designer but you wouldn't.”

Kurt bit his lower lip and looked away from Blaine's eyes. He wasn't angry that Blaine did that, not at all. But now that he knew this he couldn't come up with one of his lame excuses. But he also couldn't tell Blaine about Garret. Not yet.

“I will. But I'm just not feeling like this is the right time, you know?”

“Of course. You have to decide when or if you want to apply for this job. But I know you'll be incredible. You always were good when it was about fashion.”

Blaine leaned forward, leaning cheek to cheek and removing his hand from Kurt's thigh to take his right hand into his left.

“You'll be famous, everyone will go crazy and buy your clothes and the whole world will know the name Kurt Hummel. I'm sure about that. And don't let anyone tell you something else.”

“She told you about Garret, didn't she?” And Blaine nodded, of course, he wouldn't lie to Kurt about that. He never lied.

“Whatever she told you, Blaine, there is no need to be worried. He is having a hard time right now and I want to help him. I'm still his fiancé I have a responsibility.”

“Is this the reason why you won't leave him?”

“It's another reason, yes. I know what you think and I know it sounds strange but I need more time.”

“Do you love him?”

Those words echoed in his head, running to his heart which screamed no, no, no. Blaine asking this question was no reason to be mad with him. After all Blaine agreed on this affair and it wasn't only Kurt who wanted to be sure, Blaine wanted the same. And if someone could drag him out of his safe place, out of the walls he had build around him – once again – it could only be Blaine who was able to do that. He did it once. He did it again and he would do it forever. Because only he knew how, only he made Kurt feel safe enough to open up, and only he knew how to handle him so Kurt wouldn't feel sad or hurt, but healed and loved.

“In a different way, yes. Like how I love my friends, or dad or work.”

He felt Blaine's smile against his cheek, his lips kissing the skin there and Kurt was fighting against the three words he wished he could say. They were real, they were honest but he couldn't say them out loud.

“Blaine-”

“I know,” he whispered helping Kurt out of this: “Me too.”

His eyes were half open when he took Blaine's face gently into his hands and kissed him, deeply, wishing it would finally be how they both wanted it to be.

“Come with me. I have something for you,” Blaine said after they broke their kiss and went, hand in hand to the living room. There on the coffee table was a gift with Kurt's name on it and his eyebrows shoot up when he saw it.

“It's after midnight,” Blaine explained, taking the gift wrapped in a blue paper from the table and handed it to Kurt: “Happy birthday.”

Birthday?; Kurt thought and blinked in confusion while he slowly remembered, yes, it was indeed his birthday and he totally forgot about it. With shaking hands he took the gift from Blaine and just stared at it. It looked like there was a picture hidden in it, or a notebook. Something like that.

“You probably already have on of these but I wanted you to have one from me and use it for your dream.”

Listening he looked back at Blaine back to the gift and slowly unwrapped it just to stop breathing when he stared down on a black cover with his name on it, elegantly written in light blue letters. It was one of those expensive sketch books with a black leather cover and highly recommend inside Vogue. Garret had many of those at home but Kurt had none of them. Only those simple sketch books because Garret said he didn't need one of those yet. He opened the sketch book and was greeted by a drawing of himself and Blaine when they were younger and just before he truly understood what was happening to him, happy tears ran down his cheek.

Not only because of the gift, not only because it was of Blaine, it was everything together and especially that Blaine didn't forget his birthday.

“Oh Blaine... It's... it's beautiful.”

He pressed the sketch book against his chest, both arms holding it tight and Blaine came closer again, wiping his tears away and smiling.

“You forgot your own birthday?”

“Well,” Kurt sniffed and giggled: “I had a lot on my mind.”

“We should celebrate it. Just the two of us or with out friends. Like we used to.”

“Can we just stay in bed?”

“That we can do, love.”

Love, yes, Blaine used to call him love, or beautiful or whatever came up in his mind. He was the first one, the only one who made Kurt feel all these funny things when he said them.

“I have also cheesecake if you want to.”

Shaking his head no Kurt put the sketch book gently back down on the table and wrapped his arms around Blaine's shoulders when he was close to him again.

“Tomorrow. Now I just want to lie next to you and hold you or you hold me, whatever we feel like.”

“Anything for you,” Blaine breathed, kissed him gently and both left the living room, going to the bedroom for the first time together after so many years. Not noticing how Kurt's phone was buzzing over and over again, hidden under the cushions of the couch.

 

 

 

 


	23. Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I should put a warning here. Drugs. And thank u for the reviews! Let me know what u guys think!

 

Chapter 23. Halloween

 

The last time he had slept so deep and so peaceful was years ago. No, he wasn't even joking or just looking for something that spoke for Blaine. This was just a fact that sleeping next to Blaine was the only way he slept the best. When his arms were around his body, when his breath and voice where close to his ear or when Kurt could listen to Blaine's heart beat, to their hearts beating.

It was the most familiar sound for him and he wondered how on earth could he live without that.

He was awake before Blaine and took his time to watch him sleeping like he used to do it. It was true what he read in books. People looked young when they were sleeping and watching Blaine sleep, how his eyelashes fluttered lightly, his mouth just slightly open and no wrinkles, curls still sticking out like they wanted to. Yes, he truly looked like the young man he had once left.

Gently he ran his finger down over Blaine's eyebrow, down his cheek and smiled wider when his eyelids moved, signaling he was about to wake up. When his eyes opened slowly he made this adorable little noise Blaine always made when he woke up, rubbing his eyes and then he turned his head to Kurt, the gold in his eyes a bit darker just slowly changing into the bright color.

“Hi,” Blaine murmured, voice still sleepy.

“Hey,” whispered Kurt and held himself up on his elbows and leaning down to give Blaine a kiss. Pulling back he looked at Blaine's beautiful look, smile and watched him rolling to his side, Blaine's hands finding his and whispering: “I haven't slept this good in years.”

“Me neither.”

“You are so soft and warm. I've missed feeling you close to me,” Blaine said, his hand running gently up and down Kurt's arm. His blue eyes watched Blaine for a while, the words slowly sinking in. This wasn't the only thing they both missed, it was everything. And thinking of this everything tore Kurt's heart almost apart because he wanted, needed this everything. After spending the night with Blaine - just cuddling and kissing and whispered conversations until they fell asleep – it made it harder and harder to stay away.

“And you still snore,” Kurt bit his lip to stop the smirk.

“I do not!”

Kurt gave him this look when he knew he was right and Blaine rolled his eyes playfully pulling Kurt closer so he was laying half on him.

“I never said it was a bad thing,” Kurt hummed, bumping Blaine's nose with his finger as the curly haired made a snoring sound and Kurt giggled because of Blaine's silly face.

“It's cute.”

“You are cute,” Blaine said, kissing Kurt's lips: “And it's your birthday.” He looked over to the window: “And it's raining.”

Kurt turned his head just to see all the raindrops on the glass, while the trees outside were moving to the wind.

“That means we have the perfect excuse to stay in bed.”

Blaine smiled his hands still caressing Kurt's arms and said: “Birthday blowjob. Usually I'd woke you up with one.”

Kurt almost blushed after he heard his words but didn't. His smile grew smaller and smaller and he rolled off of Blaine still looking at him when he lay on his side.

“Did you think about that? I don't mean the blowjob I mean sex in general.”

Blaine blinked and rolled over to lay on his side too, gold meeting blue. They lay like that for a while, silent, gently touching to keep some physical contact and Blaine whispered: “Of course I do. You've been my first like I was yours and I thought you would be my last. And we never just fucked, sometimes maybe, but most of the time we made love. Of course I think about that and miss it. But we don't have to do that.”

“Are you... do you sleep with Jason? I mean since we started this?” It was strange asking this while being together with Blaine, on the bed he used to share with Jason. This was kind of creepy and wrong but Kurt didn't want to leave because of that. In the end it was just a bed, right?

“No. I mean it's not like we see each other that much since he has to work again.”

Kurt hummed and nodded slowly, waiting for Blaine to ask if he still had sex with Garret but Blaine didn't ask. And it was good that he didn't ask because Kurt didn't want to think about what Garret was doing when he acted strange.

“We do whatever we are comfortable with, okay?

“I'm comfortable with you,” was Kurt's answer and Blaine smiled, kissing his cheek after he leaned closer.

“And I'm with you. So, breakfast and then watching a musical or something?”

“Sounds perfect,” answered Kurt.

 

* * *

 

They did all those little things all over again. Things they were doing when they still were together. Breakfast in bed, watching Les Miserablés in bed – because last time they couldn't finish it – cuddling, kissing and smiling all the time. Kurt thought about how hurt he was when Garret said he wouldn't be there on his birthday and how Kurt did everything to forget his birthday. Now he couldn't be happier because he was with Blaine now, Blaine who didn't forget his birthday. In fact, he gave him such a beautiful gift which would remind Kurt any time he used it that it was from Blaine.

When it was time for some late lunch it was Blaine who took a shower first and then Kurt. Usually they did this together, but not today. Blaine gave him a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants which were a bit short for Kurt but he never minded. He loved wearing Blaine's stuff because it smelled after him and he loved wearing them when Blaine wasn't at home. He walked into the empty living room, hearing Blaine doing something in the kitchen but not wanting to disturb him – he probably was doing something for him, Kurt was sure – so he around the couch and picked the sketchbook from the coffee table. He smiled when he saw his name, ran a finger over the dark leather and looked around for a place so he could draw something. But he needed a place to... Kurt stopped breathing for a second. He had been here but he never noticed the window, the window with the white bench so he could sit on it, leaning against the glass and look outside.

He remembered how they had such a place in their old apartment, it wasn't white then it was dark brown but it was such a lovely memory he needed to remind himself to breath. Years ago he used to sit there and draw, or cuddle with Blaine and watch the sun going down, rain falling, snow falling. It was something they shared and he loved it so much. Oh, how could he forget all of this? The coffees in the morning they have shared, the view they enjoyed together?

Keeping the sketchbook close to his chest he walked over there, sitting down on the pillow and looking outside. There was no city but trees, a meadow and the rain falling. Soon, he thought, those green trees will turn into red and gold and he wished he could be here and watch this happen together with Blaine. They would wrap each other in a blanket, Blaine resting between Kurt's legs his head on Kurt's chest and just be. How he wished this could become reality. He smiled, head leaning back against the wall and hearing Blaine coming into the living room.

In his hands he held a tray and Kurt could see muffins and two mugs and Blaine's beautiful smile as he walked over to him.

“I made you cheesecake muffins.”

“When?”

“Before you woke up,” Blaine smiled and sat down on the bench the tray between them. Kurt looked down and saw the little candle in one of those muffins, and the cups were filled with hot chocolate and his lips formed a wide warm smile. Blaine lit up the candle and handed Kurt the muffin. He knew what he what his wish was. No doubt, no question and then he blew the candle out.

“Twenty eight though. Feeling already old?” Blaine joked and Kurt rolled his eyes.

“Your birthday isn't that far away Blaine. It's just two months away and I'm still mad at you that you didn't tell about it when we already knew each other.”

Blaine only laughed and leaned against the wall across from Kurt, his feed on the bench, just like Kurt's. They ate the five muffins, Kurt groaning about how good they were and sipped the hot chocolate in silence. It was good, perfect just sitting there and staring out of the window, watching the rain falling and Kurt began to draw. He drew Blaine, like always when he drew clothes for men because not only had Blaine an inspiration, Kurt had also one. And Blaine was just perfect because he always looked good no matter what he was wearing and for Kurt it was just the perfect example, most vivid image when he created new clothes.

So watching Blaine, how he sat there in his dark hoodie, dark read sweatpants, just a bit gel in his hair and holding the mug in his hands, knees close to his chest was such a beautiful and inspiring view he still couldn't understand how he was able to live without that. And he wasn't actually imagining Blaine in a suit or anything. He just drew him like he was now, smiling, peaceful and eyes following the raindrops on the glass. Yet Kurt made a note to himself to hide this drawing when he got home. Home, well, the place he was living at.

“What are you drawing?” asked Blaine and nudged him with his foot.

“Just the view,” Kurt almost blushed when he said it: “You are not the only one who has an inspiration, you know.”

Blaine put his mug aside and leaned forward so the he was kneeling and able to bent over so he could take a look at Kurt's drawing. It was a simple drawing, not perfect, not at all but Kurt caught the parts he wanted to and stared at Blaine expectantly. Would he get his words? That Blaine was his inspiration? Yes, he did. His wide smile was answer enough. Biting his bottom lip he put the sketchbook carefully next to him and opened his legs when Blaine came closer to kiss him.

A whimper, quiet and short was what Kurt made before he felt Blaine's hands holding his face again. It always felt so good when he did that because Blaine knew how to. For him it was almost like a natural thing to know how to touch Kurt, how to kiss him, talk to him. It almost felt like he knew it better than seven years ago – which of course was most likely impossible. But maybe it wasn't? Maybe this was what happened? Because not only Kurt but also Blaine thought a lot about what happened, who they were and did. Maybe this seven years were necessary so they could be together now and forever? He wished this. He wished it when he blew out the candle.

His hands grabbed Blaine's hoodie, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss when he felt Blaine's tongue against his lips. Both moaned into the others mouth holding on each other for dear life and Kurt wanted to do so much more, more than kissing and the smaller man probably thought the same. He pulled back and began to kiss Kurt's jaw up to his earlobe and down his neck, sucking only so much that he wouldn't leave a mark but exactly give Kurt the pleasure he ached for. There where he was most sensitive. One hand in Blaine's curls he let the other slide down, finding Blaine's hand and slowly guiding it to his hardening cock but a buzzing sound dragged him back to reality.

Oh fuck!

“Blaine, I... I have to get my phone.”

No complaining sound, no hesitation, he just slowly pulled back from Kurt's neck – eyes dark, pupils blown and fuck did it things to Kurt. With a nod and a small smile Blaine created enough space so Kurt could go to the couch and fished his phone from under the cushions. There were texts and missed calls and most of them were from his friends wishing him a happy birthday. His dad also called him like his friends and then he read the texts from Garret.

“Fuck,” he hissed and like Blaine could sense how scared he became he stood up and walked up to him.

 

Garret 12:22 am:

_Happy Birthday, Kurt. I love you. You probably sleep so I leave this text._

 

Garret 12:34 pm:

_Where are you? Your friends wanted to surprise you but you are not home? Call them._

 

Garret 13:29 pm:

_Please call your friends. Where are you?_

Kurt breathed in and out, trying not to shake and texted his fiancé back that he was fine and just walking around the city. Then he texted his friends, fast, fingers shaking and only because Blaine wrapped his arms around his body Kurt was able to calm down.

“It's okay,” was all he whispered into his ear before kissing his cheek. They stayed like this until Kurt was done answering them all, spreading the lie that he was out on his own though he wanted to share his happiness. The happiness he only found with Blaine.

 

* * *

 

It was hard for Blaine to watch Kurt shaking like he did while answering each message. It was hard for him to figure out why he was so shaking, so scared. Was it because he had to lie or because he thought someone might find out what they were doing? He couldn't really tell what it was but he tried everything to calm him down and he did it, after answering them all. Somehow he could convince Kurt to stay for a while longer and they both went back to the bench, Blaine sitting where Kurt was before, leaning against the wall while Kurt took the blanket and settled down between Blaine's legs, his head resting on his chest and just watching the rain falling and then Kurt fell asleep.

Blaine smiled down to him, caressing his cheek, running his fingers through his soft brown hair and listened to Kurt's breathing. Soon he would get more of this, soon it would be them again, he was sure about that.

 

Three hours later Kurt left with a lot 'thank you' and 'I don't want to leave' all between kisses on their way to the door. Blaine wanted to go with him but they both weren't sure if this was the right thing to do. And as soon as Kurt left and the door closed Blaine felt this aching emptiness again. It was almost the same from years ago when he needed to feel Kurt, just his fingers around his, just a bit from his arm. He still needed it, wanted it but not in a different way.

 

The end of September came and they met Mike, Mercedes and Santana and told them all together what they were doing and what they wanted. Mike made such big eyes that Blaine tried not to laugh and Mercedes stared at them for literally two minutes until they both explained and, just like Santana, they said they didn't like that, not at all, but that they wouldn't let their friends down. Mike even said that it wasn't cool and the sound of his friends voice made Blaine feel really guilty. So they both apologized and promised to clear everything up as soon as possible.

Mercedes gave them a long speech about how important it is to be clear and honest and not play with people – well knowing they both knew that – but also said that she hoped they would get back together.

 

When their friends left it was also time for the boys to say good bye to their freedom because their boyfriends would be back the next day. The first day of October and Blaine already missed Kurt, everything and he really, really wished they could just do what Mercedes said. Only because of Kurt, only because he respected Kurt's wish and wanted to do anything for him so he was comfortable he said nothing.

 

* * *

 

Until the Halloween party Blaine made himself busy with work, only spending time with Jason before they went to sleep. Being with him felt wrong and he couldn't bring himself to kiss him because those weren't the lips he wanted to feel or kiss. Of course his boyfriend didn't miss this and asked what was wrong but Blaine pulled the 'I'm just exhausted because of the new picture I'm painting' card and Jason swallowed that. But with each passing day it got harder and harder to be around him. Sometimes he even slept in his room, between his paintings or in the guestroom because he wasn't sure if he was speaking in his sleep. What he was dreaming was beyond his control and the first three dreams about Kurt were amazing but also scared him if he was saying his name in his dreams. Especially when he dreamed about sleeping with Kurt.

 

That's why he was more than happy when they went to the Halloween party and he could just be with his friends and laugh and dance. The best thing of course was that Kurt was there too. They only saw each other once a week to drink some coffee together. No kisses, no words about cheating or what they wanted because someone might listened. But he wanted to kiss him, touch him, be his boyfriend, even more than that. It hurt to keep this distance so he promised himself he would dance with Kurt no matter what. They all where in costumes, actually, they were a group of vampires and their own idea of what a ghost looks like. It was a thing they did each year together, deciding a theme and dressing like that. Blaine came as a vampire and Jason too, Santana was freaking scary with her white face and dark rings under her eyes. Also Finn and Sam, while all the others were dressed like vampires. But Kurt looked just amazing, like always. They both agreed to wear a suit and paint some blood marks on their clothes, also having fake vampire teeth. No one would think it was strange because they weren't the only one dressed like that. He made sure to ask Mike and Mercedes to do the same and they did.

Loud music, many voices and people dancing all around the bar Blaine leaned closer to Mike and whispered if he could distract Jason for a while. Lips pressed together he only nodded but then relaxed seeing how happy he made Blaine with this.

“I'm going to dance with the others, okay?” Blaine said to Jason who was talking with Rachel about something and nodded. He pushed himself through the crowd finding Mercedes, Brittany, Tina and Kurt dancing. He wished they could leave but it would be too obvious to tell them to go or give Mercedes a sign to do so. That's why he decided to dance with them for a while, always exchanging looks with Kurt. The first look from him was insecurity mixed with fear, but then it changed into the usual warm look he had for Blaine until they both just had fun with their friends. Blaine danced with them all for some seconds just to make sure he wasn't weird or anything.

Then, like Mercedes could read his mind she dragged the girls off the dance floor, saying they need to drink some shots and cheering they followed her. This was maybe stupid and extremely dangerous but he wouldn't let anyone take this away from him. No matter who it was. So he grabbed Kurt's hand, dragging him to one of the dark corners of the dance floor and looked around to be sure no one was here he knew or knew him and Jason. He made sure Kurt was okay with this, sure that Kurt saw no one they knew and only then he placed his hands on Kurt's hips and began to dance with him.

Both knew they couldn't kiss, do nothing of what they did behind walls. But just being this close after weeks was enough for Blaine to feed the part of his soul which was screaming for Kurt. They danced through two songs and only then they went back to their friends, first Blaine, then Kurt.

Around 1 am they all decided to go home, being responsible parents and not let their babysitters stay too long with their kids. They hugged good bye, all a bit tipsy but Jason – like always – didn't hug Kurt and Blaine wasn't sure if he should have just rolled his eyes or be glad about that. It was still surreal for him to watch them together no matter if it was in a good or bad way. It was strange knowing what he and Kurt did, what Jason believed in and what was real.

He didn't like this feeling and he wished he could just stop this. Break his relationship with Jason, talk to Kurt to leave Garret and say what he is worried about and then be finally with Kurt again. He knew Kurt loved him, he felt it when they went to the autumn festival, when they were sitting his kitchen and he knew Kurt wanted to say it but now wasn't the right time. He knew this was real, right and meant to be. Still he was literally wasting his time with something that had no future and hurting someone he didn't want to hurt.

 

Blaine knew, sometimes, life was just like that. Compromises needed to be made to safe someone, to make someone happy or to wait for the right moment. Compromises weren't a bad thing, they were even important. But Kurt was no compromise, their love was no compromise. It was real and the only thing that was able to touch his soul and heart and let him be who he was and who he liked to be. And sometimes life was fair but the way of this fairness was cruel.

 

He walked home with Jason, as usual because the bar was pretty close to their apartment and took the fake vampire teeth out of his mouth and throwing them into a bin. The fresh air was good for his mind and he didn't feel as tipsy as inside the bar. His hands deep hidden in his pockets they walked home in silence though noticing how Jason looked at him, searched for words but said nothing. Honestly, Blaine was just glad about that because all he would say was not what Jason wanted to hear.

“Hey! Jason!” Blaine heard someone calling and turned around just like his boyfriend did. There was a guy, maybe around Blaine's age dressed as a doctor and, something was wrong with this guy. Blaine tilt his head, observing the eyes of the stranger which were looking like he was drunk. But he was clearly not drunk. Blaine couldn't smell any alcohol from him. Not to mention that despite his look the guy looked like he wasn't poor or anything. More like a successful guy. Pretty skin, hair thick and golden, fingers clean. Yet, something was strange but Blaine couldn't fucking tell what.

“Mark. Hey,” Jason said his voice anything but happy. He was nervous Blaine could tell.

Mark smiled at Jason then looked at Blaine and grinned: “I guess this is your sweetheart, huh?”

“Yeah, we are actually on our way home.”

Blaine said nothing, watching them with a raised eyebrow because he didn't know this guy and never had seen him. So, of course he was a bit curious who this weird guys was who may looked like a business man but his eyes just, what was wrong with them?

“What? The night isn't over yet!” Mark laughed and shoved his hand into his pockets: “We are having a little private party just five minutes from here. You two should join us!”

Jason shook his head no, giving a fake smile and okay, now Blaine was really curious what this was about.

“Come on! We had so much fun in Cali! And meeting you here in this big city is just fate!”

“Thanks but-”

And then the guys pulled something out from his pocket Blaine didn't even need to hear what it was because he knew damn well what this was. A very small plastic bag with a white colored substance in it. This was not the first time he saw something like that, not in a big city as New York where all kind of people where walking around.

“You enjoyed it, you even said it yourself,” Mark smirked: “He'll have fun too, believe me.”

Blaine didn't even see Jason's look and wasn't even listening to his voice calling after him. Yes, he was doing something wrong, something terrible and he felt terrible and guilty about it. But this was his heart and soul he was dealing with. Something he didn't have any control over and each damn person who knew what love could do would understand that.

But Jason? Jason had a choice, Jason could have said no but apparently his choice was made and Blaine wouldn't even consider to accept that. Not this. Not something like this.

It was done.

This was over for him.

 


	24. Thistle & Weeds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the song used in this chapter is Mumford & Sons - Thistle and Weeds and when I started to plan this fic I wanted to use it for Blaine and Jason and their relationship. I'm really glad it worked out. So, leave some reviews and thanks for reading!

 

Chapter 24. Thistle and Weeds

 

Growing up sucks. Moving out sucks. With each change new things come and sometimes it's hard to get used to them. Sometimes the change brings good stuff but also bad stuff.

Blaine knew that, like any other person who wasn't running blind through their lives. He new how things could change and that in a way he never dreamed of or wanted to. When he was born until the day he came out everything was just fine. Then he fell into this dark hole and changed into this bad guy. Always fighting, always trying to destroy himself and, at some point, also silently screaming for help. Then he met Kurt and everything was wonderful. They moved to New York and they both saw and learned new things. Some were bad, some hard, some new.

And only because he knew what drugs looked like and what they could do to a person, he didn't need to think twice. Stuff like that could ruin someone, hurt a person and kill a person. This stuff was dangerous and he would never want to be with someone who did this. At least not in a relationship. More important he didn't want to know and be around those people because he wasn't sure if he could resist. No, he never took drugs and he never thought about it. But love was also like a drug, could be dangerous and he knew he had much love inside his big heart, much sympathy, and yes, sometimes it even scared him what he was ready to do for a person he loved. But not this, never this and he didn't want to be with him anyway.

Just... why? Why would Jason do something like that? He wasn't stupid, he was aware of what those things could do but still he took them. Oh no, Blaine had no doubt because he knew Jason and his expression, when he looked at Blaine after Mark showed him the small plastic bag, said everything. Only because he didn't want to be with anymore didn't mean that Blaine stopped to care about Jason. They were once friends and they still were friends so it hurt him to know that Jason did this but his rage, his disappointment was stronger, way much stronger. He told Kurt he wouldn't break up with Jason but Kurt would also understand that he couldn't be with him while he did this.

He couldn't so this anymore. He couldn't be with someone who constantly made him feel like he was living in a cage, like a bad person, like someone who was talking to a total stranger. Because Jason didn't stop talking about rings, about weddings, he didn't stop and wasn't listening to Blaine and he just couldn't anymore.

 

With fast steps he took the stairs, not turning back only walking straight to their apartment and when he reached the door he basically smashed it open. Shoes off, jacket on the floor he took also he shirt off needing something clean on his body. He walked to his painting room, pulled a black t-shirt out of the closet and put it on. Not able to think and not wanting to think and find reasons to calm down he walked to their bedroom and grabbed Jason's suitcase throwing it on their bed and opening the drawers and doors of the closet.

Furiously he grabbed Jason's stuff, throwing it into the suitcase as much as could fit in and it was a satisfying feeling to see how less and less of Jason's clothes were inside his closet. Blaine needed to get more out, everything and Jason too. He needed him to be far away so he could think straight which he wasn't doing now.

Seriously, what on earth was Jason thinking? Drugs? Like, he was this smart guy and knew exactly what drugs could do to a person and he decided, he fucking decided to do drugs? Blaine swallowed the scream which was bubbling inside him and closed the suitcase when it was almost too full. He closed it, dragged the suitcase of the bed and grabbed Jason's bag with all his work stuff. One thing he didn't screw up with, always having his work stuff ready in a corner just to grab it when he needed it.

“Blaine?!”

Jason's voice came from the door and Blaine's rage began to burn all over again. Taking both the bag and the suitcase he left the bedroom and walked straight to the living room where Jason was standing, eyes eying the stuff Blaine held and hands shaking. Oh no, this time Blaine wouldn't give in and hear some lame excused and change his mind. Not this time.

Then their eyes met and it took all of Blaine's sanity to not just yell at him or punch him like he would have done it when he was sixteen. It's always been there, this side of him he didn't like and tried to suppress. The last time he freaked out was when he and Kurt broke up but then, never again. He hated it, was scared of it that when it came out, only for a second he would just fall back and become he person he once was. A person Blaine couldn't love anymore.

“Blaine. Let me explain I-”

But Blaine stepped up to him leaving the bag and the suitcase before Jason's feet and glared at him. He waited before he said something just to make sure he wouldn't yell right away at him.

“Explain what? That you do drugs? What is there to explain, Jason?”

Jason sighed, clearly fighting with himself to find the right words, to find an explanation and this was almost answer enough for Blaine. He was searching for explanation so this meant he did it. He fucking did drugs.

“I never did drugs, Blaine. Never. This was the first and last time I did that.”

“You shouldn't have done it in the first place. You know what this stuff can do to a person. We are living in fucking New York! We saw it together!”

Jason groaned, his hand running through his brown hair – which got longer – and made a mess, before the hand ran down his face.

“It just happened, okay? We had fun and it just happened. I didn't think it would do something to me and it didn't. I won't do it again, I don't want that.”

Their voices became louder and louder and their hands turned into fists. Anger, all over their faces.

“It _just_ happened,” Blaine sneered: “It doesn't _just_ happen, Jason. You decided to do it. You decided to do it and you know what I think about this stuff. You know it!”

“That's it Blaine. I don't. I don't know what you think or want anymore!”

Blaine faced him, again, giving Jason a warning look because this time he wouldn't take the blame. This was not his fault.

“You said you want to try it, us being engaged. But you refuse everything that is part of an engagement. You just walk over my dreams like it's nothing and you don't even see it! We've been like this for almost six months, fighting, cold and I have no idea what to do anymore.”

“So you decided to do drugs?”

“No! God, don't put words in my mouth!”

Blaine huffed: “Don't put words in my mouth! I told you what I thought, what I was worried about. I told you everything and you ignored it. You didn't change. All you did is working or sleeping. You couldn't even try to stay awake and watch a movie with me. You couldn't even try to listen to me, Jason. I told you everything months ago! Don't you dare to put the blame on me!”

 

 _Spare me your judgments and spare me your dreams_  
Cause recently mine have been tearing my seams  
I sit alone in this winter clarity which clouds my mind 

 

 

It felt good to let this all out. It felt good how clear his mind became.

“Don't be ridiculous, Blaine. You know how much time my job needs. I can't stay at home like you and just draw some lines on a canvas.”

“Some lines, huh? So that's what you think about my work? Or no, wait, maybe the drugs changed your way of thinking. Who even knows if you aren't high right now.”

Jason took a step forward, pass the bag and suitcase: “I'm not high and this is not what I think about your work, you know that.”

Blaine crossed his arms before his chest, narrowing his eyes: “That's it. I don't know. I don't know why you would be so stupid and do drugs. I don't even know you.”

“I don't do drugs. I promise I don't. This was just... it happened. Like I said before it happened and I can't change it.”

“You know what I think about it, Jason. You know what I did when I was younger and what I saw. You know exactly this is something that can't be a part of my life. Especially not in a relationship.”

He saw how Jason slowly realized what was about to happen. The slow realization that Blaine didn't want to be in this relationship. With Jason, them together, no more.

 

 _Alone in the wind and the rain you left me_  
It's getting dark darling, too dark to see  
And I'm on my knees, and your faith in shreds, it seems

 

“I can't do this anymore. I can't be with you anymore,” it felt good, so good to say it to finally feel how the seams were breaking.

“Blaine, no, please,” Jason stepped closer, too close and Blaine gave him a warning look, taking one step backwards.

“It's over, Jason. I can't do this anymore. I can't fucking breath around you! I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm not myself anymore.”

 

 _Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown_  
I know you have felt much more love than you've shown  
And I'm on my knees and the water creeps to my chest 

 

“Blaine, I love you. You know that I do,” Blaine saw the dark blue eyes glistening, filling with tears but he couldn't become weak now. Not again.

“You do, but I don't. Not like I used to. And _this_ , what you did is just too much for me. I can't accept that and live with that.” For a second Blaine thought he could hear Jason's heart break because it was written all over his face. But this was the truth and he couldn't lie anymore and hurt both of them.

 

 _Look over your hills and be still_  
The sky above us shoots to kill  
Rain down, rain down on me

Jason groaned again and now he was really yelling. Not out of anger, not because he hated Blaine. He yelled at Blaine because he was scared, his heart was about to break and Blaine, yes, he felt sorry but this time he needed to focus on himself. He needed to stop this so he wouldn't get hurt and neither would Jason.

“I did one mistake Blaine! One! I won't do it again and you know I try!”

“You weren't trying! All you were doing was ignoring me! You didn't even see how unhappy I was and even when I said no you didn't fucking care! And now drugs?! No Jason, that's it! It's over for good! I want you to fucking leave because this is still my apartment!”

For a second he thought Jason would say something back, do something like hit him maybe but that was not Jason. No, Jason was an adult, doing adult decisions as soon as his own mind was working again and so he grabbed his things and left, smashing the door shut behind him.

 

* * *

 

 

Blaine needed an hour to calm down and keep this dangerous side of him hidden. He wasn't sure if it was still there but he honestly didn't want to know. If it was gone, good he wanted that. Trusting himself that he wouldn't do anything stupid he went to the living room, together with one of those boxes he still had just in case they wanted to move out, and began to fill it with the stuff that belonged to Jason. Of course some old memories came back but Blaine figured out how to ignore them and just finish this and go to sleep.

But this didn't mean he was able to stop his thoughts from the things that happened today and things which could happen in the future. Also there were thoughts, questions about how the hell Jason came up with the idea to do this, well knowing it was a bad thing.

Maybe it happened because of their mess of a relationship and because Blaine refused to be 'really' engaged. But Jason was also older as Blaine and saw more of the world than Blaine did. So if he decided to do drugs it was for sure not his fault. Jason decided to do this and he was very aware of what this meant. Alone knowing that Jason thought he could hide this from Blaine, that he was lying to Blaine made him grit his teeth. Yes, he wasn't any better, he also lied to Jason but he wasn't doing something like this. Dangerous, illegal.

One box was already full so he took another and opened the drawers from the furniture, still chasing his thoughts. It was in September because then he went to California, like this Mark guy said. It happened a month ago and Jason said nothing but it explained why he was so nervous when he came back, like he was afraid Blaine could smell it. How? He was no freaking dog who could smell such a thing. Yet, was that all? Did he only take drugs or did he more? Like what if he had sex with someone? With more than one person because this could happen? Or what if this was not the first time and he was doing this for a long time? What if he started doing drugs and this was the thing, happening in the distance which ruined their relationship?

Blaine needed to sit down feeling sick and panic. What if Jason really had sex with other people? Maybe even unprotected sex and took some diseases with him? And what if Blaine had it too? He pulled his hair, eyes wide and breathed heavily in and out. Jason wouldn't do it, he knew this but he also knew what drugs could do. What if he and Kurt had sex? What if he really had something and almost put Kurt into danger?

 

_But I will hold on  
I will hold on hope _

 

He jumped up, ran to the bathroom and emptied his stomach. After 20 minutes, feeling dirty and sick he peeled of his clothes and took a long hot shower, soaping his skin more than one time, cleaning each part more intense. He would get himself tested just to be sure and then he would pack the rest of Jason's stuff and leave it here for him and he could pick it up whenever Blaine wasn't here.

 

 _I begged you to hear me, there's more than flesh and bones_  
Let the dead bury the dead, they will come out in droves  
But take the spade from my hands and fill in the holes you've made  
  
But plant your hope with good seeds  
Don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds  
Rain down, rain down on me 

 

* * *

 

 

On Monday he called Tina and canceled their meeting because he needed to visit his doctor and talk with him about his fears. Though his mind wasn't going crazy and Blaine able to think straight he knew he didn't have sex with Jason in the past months and Jason also never lied to Blaine. God, he was even honest about that he didn't like Kurt well knowing how much Kurt meant to Blaine. No, his ex boyfriend had always been honest.

Ex boyfriend.

It felt good to finally think that and even say that, but it also hurt to imagine how much Jason didn't want this to happen. Whatever, Blaine told himself over and over again. He would get over this sooner or later just like he somehow learned to deal to live without Kurt.

After visiting his doctor he went to the bar where Santana was – like always – with the need to talk to her about it. He needed to talk about this so badly that first he thought to ask Kurt but then he would worry him, maybe scare him and Garret was back so it wasn't like they could actually see each other whenever they wanted to. Unlocking the entrance he walked inside and saw her cleaning the tables and chairs. What a mess he thought but probably nothing compared to the mess which was left after their Halloween party.

“You look like shit,” she said but he could see her worried look. Real worry.

“I feel like shit,” was his answer before he closed the door and locked it again.

“Coffee or something else?” she asked when she hugged Blaine hello and he answered coffee taking his usual seat at the bar and waiting for his coffee.

“I hope you and Kurt aren't fighting or that someone figured out what you were doing. It's your fault when you two decide to dance in public and giving each other those looks like you try to undress the other.”

Blaine actually smiled over this and though it had been only a day since he broke up with Jason it felt strange to smile.

“No. I broke up with Jason.”

“No way,” she gasped and handed him his mug.

“I did, yesterday. On our way home he met some guy who wanted to invite Jason somewhere and do drugs. Apparently he did that in Cali in September.”

“Shut up,” she gasped again, louder this time and eyes almost falling out of her head: “Jason did drugs? I mean he sometimes looks like he is on drugs but I never thought he would really do that.”

“I know,” he heaved a sigh: “And who knows if this was the first time and if this was the only thing he was doing.”

She eyed Blaine, long and trying to read his face while Blaine ran a hand through his hair, giving her a look and then she narrowed her eyes, thought and said: “You think he cheated on you?”

“I don't know. It's not about that, because I do... did that. It's more about with whom and if he used protection. Santana, what if I have some disease? What if he really... God! What if I have something?”

Blaine rubbed his eyes, trying not to cry, not now and heard her saying 'no no nono'.

“Calm down, Blaine. Did you got yourself tested?” she asked running her hand in soothing circles over Blaine's shoulder.

“Then wait and you'll see. Also, maybe you should just ask Jason.”

“I broke up with him, yesterday. I really don't want to see him.”

“I understand that but, let's be honest, you two have been broken up since May and you will also never know if you don't ask him.”

He stopped rubbing his eyes, instead he rubbed his nose like a kid and Santana almost giggled, he could tell by the way he lips twitched.

“I guess I have to. I don't believe he did something like that and I also don't believe he was doing drugs before this. He never lied.”

“No. Jason is not a person who lies.”

“But I just... when I think that there is the smallest possibility that this is true and then think about that Kurt and I almost... I would never forgive myself.”

“Hey, hey,” she whispered when Blaine wrapped his hands around the back of his head and began to shake: “Ask him or wait. But I'm sure everything is fine.”

He only nodded, drank his coffee while she ran soothing circles over his back. Maybe she was right, Blaine was even sure she was right it was only, this break up and the drugs and Jason. He thought he would be happier when he finally could break up with him. Now he was just feeling exhausted, sick and even a bit worried about Jason.

He knew what it did with him when he and Kurt broke up and he also knew how Jason felt because he went through almost the same stuff like Blaine did. Yet, now was not the time to make sure he was fine. There was still too much anger inside of him.

They both were silent for a while and Santana gave Blaine the space he needed and went back to clean the tables and chairs. Pulling his phone out of his jacket he fought with himself if he should text Jason or not. One text only to make sure he was okay? Something along the lines, your stuff is ready you can pick it up? Or; I'll talk to you as soon as I feel like? But he didn't have to think any further because his phone was buzzing with a text from Jason.

 

**Jason 11:11am:**

_I'm sorry. I really am. I promise I only did this once and never before and will never again._

 

Blaine rolled his eyes, yet, feeling some kind of relief. Maybe he was honest like he used to be and everything was fine with his own health. He hoped that. Then there was another text.

 

**Jason 11:14am:**

_I hope we can meet one day and talk._

 

“Put that phone away if it's Jason. You really don't need that now,” Santana said as she caught him sighing over his phone. Blaine put it back into his pocket deciding it was too soon to talk to him or text him back.

“Did you tell Kurt that you broke up with him?” Santana asked while she walked behind the bar and opened the door to get the broom.

“No. I think it will put him under more pressure than he already is. Also, Garret won't leave New York until the end of November so, I really don't know. I should tell him about this but there is...”

Blaine abruptly stopped talking and stared down at his mug. His mind was running, collecting thought after thought and he didn't like the image. Jason was in California and he met Garret there. Garret who was acting weird when he went to those after parties and Isabelle couldn't tell why. Jason was there with Garret and did drugs and what if...

“Oh my fucking god,” Blaine breathed.

“What? What is it? You look like you just found the answer about life.”

He stared at Santana while he felt how his face lost color. What if this was what Garret was doing? What if he was with Jason and did this? Blaine had no evidence, nothing but it would make sense for him because he had no idea if Garret had other problems. Kurt didn't talk about it and in any other situation Blaine would back off and don't stick his nose into their business. However, the situation was that he loved Kurt, that they had a thing and that he would do anything to keep him safe. And if this was true, he wouldn't even dare to wait and watch Garret destroy his love. Not for one second.

“It's... it's nothing,” he said and finished his coffee: “I have to go. See you tonight.” Jumping off the stool he pulled his phone out not quiet sure who he wanted to call. Not Jason, not yet. Also not Kurt and worry him, maybe even make him upset that he thought Garret was doing something like this. He thought and thought and couldn't get rid of this feeling which made him uneasy and sick. There was something and he was almost sure this was the answer. What else could it be? Weren't those parties about that? Not all of them and not always but he heard of those dark corners at each party where people could do stuff like that. Jason talked about it and Blaine once saw it.

Just... without any evidence? He groaned and smacked his hand against his forehead.

 

 

* * *

 

Blaine waited until Thursday before he decided to call Kurt. On Tuesday he got his test results and sighed in relief that he was clean. No disease, nothing, he was completely fine. There were even some tears running down his cheek because this meant he wouldn't put Kurt into danger. On Wednesday he helped Santana cleaning the bar and then went back home and packed the rest of Jason's stuff, all boxes gathered together next to the front door.

He looked around his home noticing how empty it was and instead of feeling sad he felt free. It was like there was finally enough space to breath and think. He was clean, no disease and now he needed to take care of his worries. Walking into his bedroom he climbed under the covers and took his phone texting Kurt though he really wanted to talk to him he knew this way was safer.

 

**Blaine 9:35pm:**

_I guess you are still awake?_

 

The answer came immediately.

 

**Kurt 9:36pm:**

_Yes, I'm still at work. Everything's alright?_

 

**Blaine 9:37pm:**

_Work? Why? Something happened?_

 

**Kurt 9:40pm:**

_No. I just needed to finish something and I quiet enjoy the view at night from here. Seeing the lights and city life._

 

Blaine smiled, wishing he could be there and see it with Kurt.

 

**Kurt 9:41pm:**

_I wish you were here though. Feels like I haven't seen you for months._

 

His heart felt so heavy that he needed to remind himself to breath.

 

**Blaine 9:43pm:**

_I was thinking the same. And I have to tell you something and don't be angry or worried okay?_

 

**Kurt 9:43pm:**

_Now you made me worried. What happened?_

 

**Blaine 9:44pm:**

_I broke up with Jason._

 

Blaine got no answer, instead Kurt was calling him and he hesitated but then accepted the call.

“ _Why? What happened? Oh my god, what if Garret knows? We can't see each other if he knows.”_

He heard Kurt's voice going from worried to panicked and Blaine tried to calm him down, reaching with his other hand for his phone too, like he could reach out for Kurt and soothe him.

“Kurt, calm down, please.” He listened, waiting for Kurt's breathing to be even again and it happened after a while. Knowing he still could calm him down with just his voice made him happy. Actually Blaine held everything close to him that made him happy because he needed it.

“He did drugs, Kurt. I couldn't... I can't be with someone who does that.”

“ _Oh my god,”_ his love whispered.

“You know who I once was and I know I'm okay, I know I changed but... it made me so angry and it's dangerous I can't... I don't want to have this in my life, you know?”

“ _Of course. I understand and... oh god, I'm sorry Blaine.”_

He only smiled, sadly and then sighed: “It's okay... I guess? I had to break up with him anyway.”

Kurt hummed from the other end and Blaine waited before he asked.

“Are you okay, Kurt? You and Garret?”

He hoped Kurt wouldn't read behind his words and see Blaine's intention. Then again he reminded himself that this was Kurt Hummel, the love of his life and the only person who knew him better than anyone. So, maybe he ignored it or he didn't think as far as Blaine did.

“ _I guess. I mean he is upset about something related to work and he is constantly fighting with Isabelle. I'm afraid she will fire him if he doesn't stop even without having a new designer.”_

“You think that will happen?”

“ _I doubt it, to be honest. He is good and she needs him and he, well, he knows that. I mean, I won't lie to you and Isabelle told you the same thing. He knows what he wants and can.”_

Blaine nodded to himself, imagining how this person could turn anything to his own benefit but also being able to imagine how he did other things. Things dangerous for Kurt.

“I hope you two aren't fighting over this?”

“ _No. But I believe he'll look for another job were they will treat him better, you know?”_

Blaine rolled his eyes but then froze: “In New york?”

“ _I don't know. It's just a thought I don't know what he will do. But... can we not talk about him? I rather talk about something else, with you.”_

This was a move Blaine knew and only gave him more evidence that something was not right with Kurt and Garret. And now that he was free and able to do something he would figure this out. No, he wouldn't force Kurt to anything but he for sure wouldn't wait and watch him turning into someone... someone who he just wasn't. Kurt Hummel never bowed down, never let anyone take his dreams away and he for sure wouldn't be with someone who, basically, forced him to hold back. Blaine knew Kurt wanted to be a designer, not an assistant. Blaine knew that Garret was anything but nice or innocent. And Isabelle, who was so worried and so sad was also evidence enough for him.

“Sure,” he said with a small smile and they began to talk about when they want to meet again, alone.

 

 

 


	25. Promise me, we'll be alright Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is more kind of a summary about before they moved to NYC. I needed to write this down so I can focus on the main things :) hope u still enjoy it!

 

Chapter 25. Promise me, we'll be alright Part 2

 

**9 years ago – Lima – Ohio**

 

Many things had changed. No, everything had changed was Kurt's first thought when he woke up, feeling the familiar weight of Blaine's head on his chest. Then he blinked, feeling skin on skin, feeling very naked and Blaine was naked too and then he remembered. They had sex for the first time ever. They created a connection different to the one they already had and Kurt couldn't help but smile over this. Fingers running gently through the curls on his boyfriends head he remembered everything. The nervousness, the touches, kisses all so different so much warmer and all of them came from the part in his soul where he loved Blaine and Blaine him.

He never dreamed about his first time, not after everything but this, this was definitely how he had fished it to happen. Creating a connection, a new way too communicate with a person he trusted, wasn't afraid to open up and be vulnerable. This was pure love, Kurt was sure. Just raw love and it scared him but was also an addiction. And all of this was for Blaine. All the love he felt was only meant for Blaine and he knew he would never feel something else for him. He would always love him. The sleeping body stirred and Kurt smiled even warmer when Blaine moved his head, his hand wrapping around Kurt's side to keep him close because he wasn't really awake yet.

“Beautiful,” Blaine mumbled with a sleepy smile when his eyes found Kurt's. Lazily he moved further up Kurt's body and gave him a kiss but missed his lips because he wasn't awake yet. Kurt giggled and brushed the curls away from his boyfriend's forehead.

“You are still sleeping.”

“Uh uh,” Blaine shook his head as he pulled slowly back, heavy eyes finding Kurt's again: “'m not.”

Kurt only smiled, a small laugh escaping his mouth as he closed his eyes, let his hand rest on Blaine's cheek and leaned forward to press their foreheads together and give his boyfriend a real good morning kiss.

“How are you feeling?” whispered Blaine.

“Happy and scared to move,” Kurt whispered back and they both shared a breathy laugh.

“Don't worry,” a kiss to Kurt's nose: “I'll help you. Whenever we decide to stand up.”

His last words were just a mumble because he pressed his face against Kurt's neck, kissing the skin there and both arms wrapped tightly around the other boys body. Cuddling was nothing new for them, being together in one bad neihter. But being naked, after making this connection made it new and it felt even better. So much better than the cuddles they had shared before. Kurt rested one hand on Blaine's back, letting his fingertips run slowly over the muscles and his other hand rested on Blaine's arm.

“We should though. I really need a shower.”

Blaine just hummed and leaned back holding himself up on his elbows, a sleepy smile on his face and curls a mess but Kurt could see how happy he was. He smiled back, smiled into the kiss when Blaine leaned down and felt how his boyfriend moved, making Kurt to open his legs and soon he was between them, smirking down at Kurt before he moved his hips.

Kurt gasped when he felt Blaine's hard cock against his, feeling how he got hard himself and Blaine hummed triumphantly.

“Blaine...”

“Yes, love?”

He moved his hips again, grinding down and Kurt needed to bite his lip to stop the moan. This was new but definitely something he could get used to.

“Shower. Now.”

“Okay,” his boyfriend groaned playfully and climbed off of him. The sun was already out, shining through Kurt's window and falling on Blaine's naked body, making his profile shine and for a second Kurt just enjoyed this view. Beautiful tan skin, muscular small body but so warm and soft and all his. All of this was his and first touched by him and he couldn't wrap up his minds about how lucky he got.

Slowly sitting up Kurt winced and wanted to fall back on his bed. It didn't really hurt it was just odd? Uncomfortable? Something like that.

“Oh my God, I've hurt you?”

And then there was Blaine with all this concern in his eyes and right beside Kurt, his erection between his legs but his face just focused on Kurt, worried.

“You didn't. I'm fine, really.”

Kurt took Blaine's hand and stood up, not letting go, not stopping to smile and soon the shorter boy relaxed though there were still the lines of worry on his face.

“Don't worry. You'll figure it out anyway,” Kurt said, kissing his cheek and then smirking.

“Do I?” said Blaine squeezing Kurt's hand as they left the room and walked towards the bathroom.

With giggles and smiles they stepped into the shower together, kissing, touching and moaning together as they jerked each other off. Life was good, really good.

 

Blaine still visited his aunt and practiced Kurt always with him doing and practicing songs and dance moves. School was okay, better. They spent time with their friends, but it was hard with Blaine and Santana in one room. They stopped fighting loudly but their eyes said everything. Finals came and soon their friends got their letters from the colleges they applied for. In Glee club they shared their news, laughed and planned everything. Only Blaine sat nervously there and watched his friends being happy. While Kurt already new he was going to NYADA Blaine still got no answer.

“I won't go to New York without you,” said Kurt as they walked to his car.

“Of course you will. You worked so hard for this Kurt. For this life.”

“We've worked together, Blaine. And I won't go there without you. I won't survive there without you.”

Kurt wasn't afraid to admit this and he knew that without Blaine he wouldn't go anywhere. He didn't feel strong enough and this connection was too important for him to break it in a couple of months. It just began and he couldn't go and leave this here. Not to mention how worried he would be to leave Blaine here.

“I understand you, I feel the same. But we have to be realistic here.”

“I am. Just because your letter didn't arrive yet doesn't mean anything. You are talented, your paintings are incredible and they will accept you.”

Blaine only smiled and looked down, squeezing Kurt's fingers.

 

They waited and waited but nothing came and Blaine got so frustrated and hopeless that he pretended to be sick so Kurt went alone to school. Which was strange for him. No Blaine in his classes, no Blaine at his locker or sitting with him during lunch or at the quiet places where they shared some kisses. It was horrible and his boyfriend was only 20 minutes away from him. So what would it feel like if he really went to New York without him? Kurt was sure he wouldn't survive this. Not now.

Exhausted and feeling lonely he walked with Mercedes to the choir room. He had friends, they all were his friends and it was good, it was important. Friends were important and he knew when he needed them they were there, especially Mercedes. But they weren't Blaine. His boyfriend who made this new, brighter and happier life possible.

“You know, I'm kind of jealous,” she said.

“What? Why?”

“The relationship between you and Blaine. It's impossible to not see how much you love each other.”

Kurt smiled shyly for the first time that day and Mercedes smirked back. It was a promise, never outspoken but somehow there that they never talked about their relationship or wanted someone else inside their little paradise. But, apparently, all their friends could see it and yes. Kurt loved him more than anything.

The lesson began with Mister Schue talking about whatever because Kurt wasn't listening and only staring at the door, like he waited for Blaine to open it and walk inside. Or maybe he should just leave because there was really no point in sitting here since finals were done and all they did was waiting for the weeks to pass by. And not to forget that there was prom coming up but he had not talked about this with Blaine though he wanted to go there. So many years he watched others dance and suddenly he felt the need to be allowed to do the same. Dancing with his boyfriend and say goodbye to this life here. Blaine in a suit with matched flowers attached to the pocket and slow dance.

A loud noise and Kurt snapped out of his thoughts. He was almost sure it was coming from Rachel and was ready to hear her protesting about something but the noise came from the door and there stood his boyfriend, breathing fast, hair a mess and a huge smile on his face.

Like on instinct Kurt stood up, not sure why Blaine was so happy until he saw the letter in his hands and exclaimed: “You got in!?”

“I got in!”

They met in the middle, both throwing their arms around the other and holding each other close, it almost hurt. He heard noises from behind, cheering voices but this was not important. Not now. Pulling back he looked into Blaine's eyes seeing all the misery was gone and what was left was his boyfriend, excited, happy and not able to stand still.

“I'm going with you.”

“I knew you would,” Kurt whispered back and held Blaine's face in his hands, pressing a kiss on those beloved lips and not even minding that Blaine deepened the kiss. This never happened in front of their friends or anyone, only small kisses maybe but both couldn't care less. Catcalls were ignored, Mister Schue asking them to sit down, everything and even when they stopped Kurt couldn't stop staring into his boyfriends eyes which had the most beautiful golden color he had seen so far.

 

* * *

 

Together they planned for New York, looked for apartments and since Blaine would graduate and attend college his parents had to give him the money they left. And it was much, like a lot. When Blaine and Kurt saw the number and the zeros they almost felt dizzy.

“We... We'll only use it when necessary, okay?” Blaine said while they were sitting on their bed. No, it wasn't Kurt's bed anymore, it was their.

“We?” asked the taller boy.

“Yes. It's ours. We'll be together, Kurt. We go to New York together and start a new life. A better one. Together.”

He listened to Blaine, feeling his heart beating faster and faster.

“We'll buy suits for prom from that and than, maybe buy an apartment so we don't have to be worried about the rent. And if we decide to move out we can still sell it to someone. I'll use it to pay college and you have your money from your dad for NYADA. And we'll find jobs so we have some extra money. But this... I... I want to keep this for... for the future.”

Blaine got nervous while he spoke his last words and Kurt, first being blown away, then happy and now curious. He didn't ask, didn't want to push Blaine who was so nervous he had no idea why. But Kurt smiled utterly happy about this and agreed on everything with no words but wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and kissing him sweetly.

 

Prom went like planned. Almost. No, it even got better. They danced together with their friends, then slow danced while staring into the eyes of the other, deep, dreamy and left earlier than their friends. Since both knew they would go to New York together they were calmer but more adventurous. When they had the house to themselves they had sex, lots of and experimenting what they liked and what not. Yes, their hormones were crazy and they couldn't get enough – because they really never got much chances to do this since their family was always around – and no one felt shame. They wanted each other, they loved each other and whenever they got the chance to do something they did it.

Yet, Kurt was kind of surprised when Blaine parked somewhere outside of Lima. A empty quiet place but the way Blaine kissed him was explanation enough for Kurt. Climbing on the backseat it was Blaine sitting on Kurt's lab and Blaine wanting to feel Kurt inside him. There wasn't much space but neither minded. They wanted to be close, as close as possible. And beside the awesome sex, beside that everything, what made Kurt the happiest was the fact that they both got the chance to just be teenage boys. Crazy, in love, insatiable boys.

 

* * *

 

School was over and almost everything was ready so they could move to New York. They still met their friends, visited Blaine's aunt and used the last weeks just like that. Living and enjoying their life together and with their friends. Especially they wanted to spend as much time as possible with Burt who never gave up on Kurt and accepted Blaine just like that. Dinner was always fun, filled with laughs and thought they both were ready to leave they knew they would miss this.

“I've got something for you boys. A little gift.”

“Dad, we don't need anything,” Kurt said while they had dinner and Blaine shook his head while Burt stood up.

“It's okay boys. Just listen,” said Carole and both gave her a look then watched Burt walking to the cupboard and opening the drawer. He came back with a envelope handing it to Kurt and he was sure this was money or something but when he opened it there was a picture of a beach and two tickets to...

“San Francisco?” Blaine asked while Kurt's mouth hung open.

“Just for a weekend. Carole and I'd been there it's really beautiful.”

Kurt gave Blaine the tickets and picture and stared at his dad, not understanding what this was for.

His dad saw it and explained.

“You two have been through a lot. Really a lot and yet, you two are sitting here and changed into better. Graduated, about to move out and start a life, a new one together. And we thought this would do you good, you know? Getting out of Lima for a while and breath before you start your new life.”

Kurt blinked back tears and reached out for Blaine's hand under the table.

“You've come a long way and you fought against your demons. And I'm really proud that you did this and out of all of this you found each other. That's all I wanted for you, Kurt. A happy life and someone to love you just as much as I do.”

Kurt stood up and hugged his dad so tight and sobbed a thank you. Blaine followed him, hugging Burt too and then Carole. Feeling this happy was hard to handle, too much to keep inside and he was sure he would explode. But damn was it good. So good he wished it would never stop.

 

Their trip to San Francisco was amazing and really what they needed. New faces, new buildings and just them walking hand in hand without being scared someone might call them out. The beach house was really lovely, cozy and they really enjoyed each minute because they knew it would only be for three days like this until they moved to New York. They spent the last day at the beach. Though Kurt was never someone who really enjoyed the sun he did it that day and Blaine just watched him, drawing Kurt while he walked through the sand and touched the cold water with his toes, hearing his boyfriend giggling and calling for his boyfriend.

They stayed there and watch the sun going down, Kurt resting his back against Blaine's chest and melting into the warm embrace of his boyfriend. The sand was still warm, some people walked along the water and he wished for a moment they could just stay here forever. They would wake up each morning, have breakfast, Blaine would paint something and he would go to the theater and practice for his role. But all this of course in New York and this, this beach would be the place when they didn't have to work.

“What are you thinking,” Blaine asked, kissing Kurt's ear and shivered. The things Blaine could do to him would probably always make him feel this way. Warm, alive, loved.

“About the future and how it seems to be pretty awesome.”

“Mhm,” Blaine hummed and Kurt felt him smiling but then his arms squeezed him closer, tighter and he felt again how nervous Blaine was.

“I'm thinking about our future too. A lot to be honest.”

Kurt ran his hand down Blaine's arm, trying to calm him down but also to figure out why he got so nervous about that. The answer came when his boyfriend spoke on.

“And I know we aren't together for that long and we are young. But it doesn't feel like that. More like you've been always there.”

“I feel the same,” Kurt said and finally Blaine relaxed a bit. Though the next words kind of surprised him but then again... they didn't.

“And I definitely imagine us to get married... one day. If we... if we are still together.”

Blaine's heart was beating so fast that Kurt could feel it against his back, warm, pumping live through his boyfriend's body and he was just feeling the same. His heart was beating as fast as Blaine's only because of the thought that they could marry one day and be together forever. Not that they needed to be married to be together but it was a beautiful thought to do that. And he wanted that. Unwrapping himself from Blaine's embrace he turned around, kneeling between Blaine's legs and holding his face in his hands, smiling.

“I love you. This will never change. And... of course I want that too. One day.”

And the smile on Blaine's face, wide, shining even more than the one he saw when Blaine got his letter did things to Kurt he didn't understand. All he could do was feeling them, living them.

“I love you too,” breathed his boyfriend and their lips met in kiss like they made a promise. They didn't leave the beach until they could see the stars and it got a bit cold.

* * *

 

“This is huge. Oh my God,” said Kurt when they walked into their apartment. Walls white, floor dark wood and furniture in the same color. Everything was already there, organized by Leona's girlfriend and just like they both wanted it to be. Looking to the right he saw the kitchen and down the corridor were four more doors. One was their bedroom, the other the bathroom and two rooms for themselves or guests. Really, just like they wanted and it was not far from the city.

“You like it?” asked his boyfriend leaving their stuff next to the front door.

“It's perfect.”

He walked through the living room, taking a close look at everything and already planning what could be added, just small stuff a little bit from him and Blaine to make it more into their home. Turning around he looked out of the window, seeing trees and some buildings but a lot of the sky. He already imagined it when his eyes fell on the bench under the window. Them sitting there and watch the seasons change. Smiling he sat down, looking outside and thought about their promise. The one they made when they kissed for the first time.

“This will be my favorite place.”

Blaine joined him, smiling and took a look outside.

“Cuddling at the window and give the people something to look at?”

Kurt laughed and reached for Blaine's hand. This was it, this was the beginning of something new, something better and he was excited and happy. So much he needed to take a deep breath before he said it.

“We kept our promise?”

His boyfriend was silent for a while, letting his thumb run over the back of Kurt's hand and nodded slowly.

“Now. Yes. But I know there will be times we have to keep it again, make it again.”

“I know we will,” Kurt said, knowing that just because they were happy now didn't mean it would be like this all the time. Maybe in a week he would freak out over something that happened at NYADA or Blaine would groan because something was bothering him. Maybe this would happen and maybe not. But they had been through the worst, right?

“Of course,” said Blaine and kissed him sweetly: “Welcome home?”

“Welcome home.”

 

 

 


	26. Love me

 

Chapter 26. Love me

 

 

Living alone, again, was strange for Blaine. He didn't miss Jason, not really, but it was still strange to sit alone and be with himself and his thoughts. Which were mainly about Jason and Kurt. Only because he didn't miss Jason didn't mean that he wasn't wondering. His ex was a good guy, chaotic and too focused on work but he was still a good guy. Like Blaine his parents didn't accept that he was gay and they both went through the same. No support, no parents and fought for their life. Jason had his sister and Blaine had Kurt but they both understood the loss of a family.

No matter how often they told themselves it was no big deal, or, that they didn't care about their parents, they did at some point. And maybe he didn't notice the scars Jason wore and never learned to deal with them. No, he didn't miss his parents, he never did. But he held everything too close, too desperate because loss was something terrible for him. At the beginning of their relationship Blaine really enjoyed that. Someone who kissed him and held him because someone loved him. Not like Kurt, no one could love him like Kurt did and each person loved differently. Jason loved him and made him feel better and also believe that he could love someone else. Someone he could spent his life with who was not Kurt. But everything broke eventually and then Jason began to be clingy, desperately clingy and maybe this was the trigger for him to do such a thing.

He promised himself he would call Jason as soon as he was ready and let his ex explain. Closure, Blaine needed a closure and Jason too. He needed to learn that loss was not only a bad thing. Not always.

Jason never stopped caring, Blaine stopped caring as soon as he was sure what he wanted and knew that his future seemed to be good. And he had someone else who was almost like a father to him. Someone who played the adult role in his life when his parents refused.

Burt Hummel and as Blaine stared at his phone he almost felt ashamed that he didn't keep as much contact with him through the years. Yes, they talked. Like on his birthday or Christmas and sometimes between those days. But it was just weird for him to call his ex father though Burt told him to call or even visit him whenever he wanted to.

After he and Kurt broke up Blaine never went back to Ohio. He didn't want to see his parents or deal with memories he wasn't ready for. Memories which were all connected with Kurt or the dark times before Kurt came into his life.

His thumb was hovering over Burt's name not even sure what he wanted to say or why he should call him. He only knew he needed someone older, someone who knew Kurt just as good as he did and talk about this. If it weren't for the bad feeling he felt, a mix of betray – because he was talking with Kurt's father and not with Kurt – and insecurity. Still he knew if he wouldn't call him it would bother him as long as he did so. He pressed his thumb on Burt's name and held the phone to his ear waiting and waiting and then stopped breathing when the familiar, a bit older voice spoke from the other end.

“ _Hello Blaine, it's been a while.”_

Nevertheless, Blaine smiled because this man literally saved his life and it felt good to hear the familiar voice.

“Hey Burt. Are you busy?”

“ _No, I'm actually watching my new employee.”_

Blaine laughed because he remembered Kurt telling him about her.

“ _So you know about her?”_

“Yeah, Kurt told me about your talented new employee.”

“ _She is insanely talented, really. She is so young and I'm waiting for the catch.”_

Blaine laughed again.

“ _Just kidding. How are you, son?”_

A long, deep sigh fell from his lips and he heard Burt's 'oh'. He knew what this meant because he knew Blaine probably better than he thought.  
“I broke up with Jason. He did some... terrible stuff and I just couldn't anymore.”

“ _Mhm. I remember that you told me about how you two had a hard time. You okay, though?”_

“Yeah. I'm fine just getting used to living alone again. But I'm okay, really.”

There were so many things he wanted to tell Burt and questions he wanted to ask. If it wouldn't feel so wrong he would have asked them all. But it felt like he was betraying Kurt because he should ask Kurt all of this.

“ _Kurt told me about you two, you know.”_

Blaine held his breath and said nothing for a while. Of course Burt knew. If it weren't for Kurt telling him he had probably figured it out alone.

“ _I'm not fine with what you two do.”_

“Of course. I understand that. I'm... not okay with this either but Kurt is not ready to leave Garret and, honestly, I get a feeling like he can't.”

Now it was Burt who said nothing and Blaine listened, heard him walking and closing a door. He probably went somewhere where no one can hear him.

“ _You met him? Garret I mean?”_

“Yes.”

“ _And what do you think?”_

That was not easy to answer because Blaine was biased. He loved Kurt and of course he wanted him to leave his fiancé. But did he dislike Garret? He did but without a real reason. Just because he was with Kurt was not a reason to dislike him, that was high school stuff. Still...

“I'm not sure... but I feel those bad vibes coming from him. I do not dislike him but something is weird.”

Burt hummed his agreement and Blaine relaxed a little bit.

“ _When Kurt told me you two met I hoped you would get back together, you know? I remember the day when I met you and everything that happened after that. You two were and are meant to be and I really thought you would never break up. Of course after you both stopped being this... troublesome guys.”_

He heard the smile in Burt's voice and smiled too. Yes, Burt made it pretty clear over and over again what Blaine meant to him and how grateful he was that he stepped into their life. Though it started pretty bad.

“ _But you know all of that I just... want to remind you, you know? Kurt won't listen to what I say because he thinks I simply dislike Garret because he is not you. Which is not true. If Kurt doesn't want to be with you I accept that, but I can't accept that he is together with someone who tells him he is not good enough to do something.”_

Blaine hummed his agreement because he figured this out himself and also Isabelle told him this. Now it was Burt too and he was sure something was not okay.

“I don't understand him. Kurt's never been a person who let anyone stop him, not even me and I wouldn't even stop him to live his dream. But he just... he is still Kurt but whenever Garret comes up he just... changes.”

“ _Yeah, he does. I really have no idea what is happening there and I can't just treat him like a kid because he is no kid anymore. But I know that he will listen to you. After you two broke up Kurt was just working, studying and then he met Garret and he was happy, yes, but he just... it almost felt like he became the Kurt he was before you two met.”_

The Kurt who fought with everyone, who did everything alone, who avoided his friends. Yes, Kurt did all of those things but not as hard and when he came back to New York he visited his friends and hung out with them all. Just, not as much like when they moved to New York.

“I promise you, I'll keep an eye on him and I'll talk to Kurt. I'm worried too.”

“ _Of course you are. You love my boy.”_

Blaine smiled, warm and almost dreamy. Yes, he loved Kurt and wanted him to be his boyfriend finally.

“I do.”

 

* * *

 

He tried to see Kurt for a month but Kurt was too busy, or so he said. They texted and called each other but they never saw each other and Blaine was worried but didn't say anything. Though he wanted to. God, he wanted more than say something, he wanted to do something. Years ago he would have done something and when they were teenagers he always did something. He protected Kurt, kept him away from danger and Kurt did the same for him. They were allowed to do that when they were together, it was easier to do that when they were younger but now they weren't together and they were adults. And he learned to respect privacy.

But he never learned to ignore when someone was obviously in misery or uncomfortable. Kurt was all of that when he wasn't around Blaine. But worrying was driving him crazy and so he decided to make some changes in his apartment. New furniture, new bed, new couch. The old furniture was connected to Jason and this to memories of them doing stuff there. Blaine didn't need that and he was grateful that Jason accepted his last message, that he needed time and would call him as soon as he was ready to talk.

This was only fair, hearing him out but it wouldn't change anything. In the middle of November Blaine was finally able to see Kurt. And he was more than happy when Kurt found a weekend just for the two of them. He told Garret that he was spending the weekend with Mercedes for a pajama-party-reunion, something his fiancé would never do but didn't stop Kurt from going. It was not even a complete lie. He had a pajama-party, but not with Mercedes.

He opened the door when Kurt knocked and smiled like an excited child but it faded away when he saw Kurt's face and the cut on his eyebrow. It was not only his eyebrow. His whole appearance seemed exhausted, bad, really bad.

“Oh my God, what happened?” Blaine asked and took Kurt's bag from him as he walked inside.

“I passed out in the bath and hit my head some days ago.”

“You passed out?” Blaine asked too worried to decide if this was true or not. Not that he thought Kurt would lie but... he knew it when Kurt lied. Turning around he came closer, touching Kurt's forehead gently and seeing that the cut was really some days old. But it was still there, visible for the world. He didn't wince when Blaine touched him he actually smiled at him like he always did when Blaine touched him.

“I was working to hard I guess. Not enough food and sleep.”

Blaine sighed and gently wrapped his arms around Kurt, holding him safe and close and feeling his warmth. Like he needed to make sure he was alive. Like the one time when Kurt jumped between those guys and got hurt himself when they were younger.

“Now you are here,” he said and kissed his cheek: “And you'll rest and I take care of you.”

Kurt smiled, nodded slowly and took Blaine's face into his hands, kissing his lips gently. Oh, right, they had not kissed for over a month.

“Thank you,” whispered Kurt against his lips and Blaine took his hand as he pulled back and reached for his bag. They walked into the living room together and Kurt gasped.

“A new couch?”

“And a new bed and other new things. I needed to get everything out because it reminded me of Jason.”

“How is he doing though?”

Blaine shrugged slowly as he placed the bag down on the couch and walked with Kurt into the kitchen, still holding his hand.

“He is okay. I told him to give me some space and that I would call him when I'm ready to talk. Which I think is only fair, you know? He is not a bad guy after all.”

Kurt hummed and sat down.

“But, let's not talk about that. We haven't seen each other for a month and I really want our time to be about us,” Blaine smiled down at Kurt, running his fingers gently through his hair but still focused on the cut. He couldn't help himself but think this didn't happen the way Kurt told him. He also didn't want to call him a liar. Still he felt uneasy seeing this while knowing that something was wrong with Garret.

“What do you want to do?”

Kurt leaned into his touch and closed his eyes for a moment. Yep, he definitely needed some rest. A lot of rest, Blaine thought.

“Let's eat something good and watch a movie? I just want to be close to you and sleep for a while.”

“Whatever you want,” smiled Blaine and kissed his forehead again.

After an early supper they both went into the living room, changed into their pajamas and snuggled together on the couch while watching Harry Potter. They watched maybe thirty minutes together until Kurt fell asleep in Blaine's arms, holding him close but being totally relaxed. The movie became irrelevant to Blaine when he watched Kurt sleeping, running his hand up and down Kurt's arm and just living this moment, dreaming that it would be soon like this, every day, every second. That he could keep him here and know that Kurt was okay and not doing something or be with someone who even worried Isabelle.

He trusted her, he really did. She didn't seem to be a person who just made assumptions and she genuinely cared about Kurt. And Kurt always talked about her like she was the most amazing person he had ever met. In some way she was, even for Blaine, because she trusted him too at some point. Otherwise she wouldn't have told him all about that.

 

The next morning he felt good, still worried but good. Better than he did in a while. It was not even surprising because he went to bed with Kurt, slept next to him, close to him and it was always like the only way that he could truly sleep. No waking up at night, no searching for something. Those arms were where he belonged to and he still wondered how it was even possible to sleep without him for seven whole years.

Kurt was still sleeping and looking so much better. Relaxed, peaceful and recovered. Leaning closer he pressed kisses to his cheek, nuzzling against the soft skin and holding him closer. This woke him up and Kurt giggled, voice still sleepy: “Good morning.”

“Good morning, beautiful,” whispered Blaine and pulled back feeling proud when he saw Kurt's eyes shining over the petname. Yes, he used to call him this for a long time and he would call him this forever. Kurt moved closer, closing the gap between their lips, smiling into the kiss just like Blaine. Those sweet, warm, lips.

“Breakfast?”

“Yeah, and then I want to show you something.”

After breakfast they took a shower, separately and met again in the living room. Blaine showered after Kurt so when he came back he found him sitting on the couch with the sketchbook Blaine gave him for his birthday. Sitting down he watched Kurt opening the sketchbook and saw the drawing Kurt made when they were sitting at the window.

“I thought about it, applying for the position as a designer. But I want you to take a look at those drawings and give me your honest opinion about them.”

Nodding he took the sketchbook from Kurt and took a close look – using his artistic eye – at each drawing. There were dresses, skirts, hats, all looking so elegant and drawn in detail. Color combination amazing and good for the eye. Then there were suits, shirts, so many different shapes and details and some were not his type, of course not but they all looked good. Each drawing was not just a simple drawing. He could tell Kurt did all of them with his heart and really, really thought about them. There was never a doubt in his mind that Kurt was obviously talented – alone the way he dressed was amazing and Blaine never figured out how Kurt knew what to wear – but this showed is talent. Isabelle knew what she was talking about and he understood why she wanted him to become a real designer. People needed to see this, buy his clothes because Kurt wanted them to look good. Women and men, small and tall, all of them. But he also loved to create things, his own things.

“You want my artistic answer or my Kurt answer first?” he asked before he looked up to meet Kurt's eyes, which were wide and curious.

“Artistic and then your Kurt answer.”

“Alright,” Blaine smiled and turned back to page one and while he spoke he turned page after page slowly: “There are many details, beautiful details and the artist obviously has an eye for this. The colors fit perfectly together and the proportions are also amazing. The clothes in general are very pretty, some are not my type but they are still beautiful ideas and I bet many people will like them.”

He closed his lips and smiled at Kurt who nodded slowly and gave him a sign to move on.

“My Kurt answer is, that I'm really, really proud of you. All of this is amazing, really. And I'm not just saying this because of everything between us. I mean it.”

“So... you think I should give them to Isabelle?”

“Of course! Like, right now! She'll give you the place in no time. I'm sure she is waiting for you.”

Kurt smiled and blushed slightly, looking so adorable and young and it almost felt like time stopped for a moment. But not in the present. It was more like they were taken back to the time when they were together and living in New York.

“What changed your mind though?”

“You, actually. I know Garret wouldn't be fine with this but I trust you and if you think it's good enough I want to give it a try.”

Blaine waited for a while, watching his face, his eyes and trying to read everything. Didn't Kurt see it? His own talent?

“Look at it, Kurt. Look at what you can do and how you do it and tell me you see your talent.”

He moved closer flipped page after page slowly and looked together at it with Kurt who really looked at his own work. Maybe for the first time in years. Without saying something he waited for Kurt to say something, give him any sign that he saw it while thinking how Garret, who was a designer himself could call this bad. This was more than perfect. This was something the world needed to see and know it was from Kurt Hummel, who was not only talented but also an amazing human being.

“Yes... I am,” he said very slowly and quietly but he was not smiling. Closing the sketchbook Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt's neck, nuzzling close and pressing a kiss on his cheek.

“You are so, so, talented. Don't let anyone tell you something else.”

Kurt snuggled closer, wrapping his arms around Blaine's body and hiding his face in the crook of his neck.

“Can you keep it here? My sketchbook? I don't... I don't want Garret to find it.”

“Of course,” said Blaine and kissed his head while his worries came back. And he kept on being worried for the rest of the day. Of course he tried to hide it and smiled all the time while they were cooking, talking, cuddling and watching a movie. He was happy, so happy to have Kurt here. But seeing his cut, remembering how he asked him to keep the sketchbook here because of Garret made him worried. And his feeling told him it was all Garret's fault. The cut, Kurt not seeing his talent, his love being so not himself.

This was eating him and he really tried to shove it away and not think about it. But when he saw Kurt on his bed, his new bed which was untouched, with no memories connected to Jason he dreamed for some seconds that this was their bed. Them living together like it used to be and like it should be. Because there, between the pillows and under the covers Kurt looked happy, relaxed and where he belonged to. Thinking he had to go tomorrow was so hard to accept and so hard to let it happen. He wanted him here, forever.

With a sigh he climbed on the bed and caught Kurt's curious look.

“You okay?”

He smiled but couldn't keep the smile on his lips. The worries were too strong and the love for Kurt was even stronger. He was single, he was waiting for Kurt and he would wait no matter what. But he couldn't watch how Kurt slowly but surely destroyed himself. When he showed him the sketchbook and told Blaine he wanted to apply for this job he had hope. There was still hope enough to make him say things he wasn't sure if it was the right time.

“I'm worried. I know you aren't telling me the truth, Kurt.”

Blue eyes looked right back into his, a sign that Kurt didn't even try to deny it. So Blaine spoke on, seeing he was at least okay to listen to his words.

“I see the cut, think about what Isabelle told me and then the sketchbook. You can't blame me for having my own thoughts about what is going on or what could be going on. I'm just... so worried about you. You've never been like this. You always told me things, no matter what it was. And that one time, I understand that you didn't come to me but it broke us. I can't help you and know what to do when I have no idea what is going on.”

A small smile was the first answer from Kurt and he looked so beautiful in the light of the night lamp, lying here in this bed with him. So beautiful that it made Blaine almost dizzy with love. But he didn't lose his consciousness and nuzzled into Kurt's hand which touched his cheek gently.

“I try to keep you safe, Blaine.”

Safe? From what? Kurt had the cut not Blaine. Kurt looked like he hadn't been sleeping for days, not Blaine. He was okay, he was fine, not Kurt.

“And who keeps you safe, Kurt?”

But he got no answer this time and he supposed the answer would have been him or Garret. Yet, Kurt didn't even say the name of his fiancé so it was more than clear for Blaine. He didn't keep Kurt safe and he obviously had something to do with Kurt's condition. It had to be like this because no fiancé would let his love go out like this and not take care of him. Did Garret even love Kurt? Yes, Blaine knew there were different kinds of love but each love meant to take care of the person you loved. And Blaine loved him, he did it years ago, through the years and now and he knew he would love him forever. This love was the strength for him to go through everything, to do everything, for them and for Kurt. Did Garret even tell Kurt he loves him? Each morning and evening and in between?

Did Kurt say it back? Did Kurt know Blaine loved him? Yes, he did. He knew it but he didn't hear it.

“I love you, Kurt,” he said and it was a relief to finally share this after all those years. It was familiar and new at the same time and he felt his heart beating faster and faster like each time he said those words because they were true. So true that his heart probably tried to jump into Kurt's hands. The look in return was not shock, not hurt, it was more like Kurt remembered something. Blue eyes chasing thoughts and memories but focused on Blaine. So he said more.

“And because I love you I want to you to be safe. I won't force you to tell me anything but I want you to know this. That I loved you then, I loved you through the seven years and I love you now and will love you forever. I'll be here, waiting until you want my love for you. But I also wish you would let me in. Let me know when you need help, when you can't do something alone. You remember how I loved you?”

Kurt nodded, still not saying a word, no noise so Blaine touched his cheek just to feel him, to see if this made Kurt smile or not. But he still just looked back at Blaine.

“And I do this still, stronger, better. I promised you, we'll be alright. Always.”

Kurt's eyes moved down, his hand still resting on Blaine's cheek and he gave him the time to think until he nodded slowly.

“I'll break up with him.”

“But not because of me I-”

“I do it because of you. But I also do it because I... I can't be with him. He... he is still so strange and I'm... sometimes I'm scared.”

This broke Blaine's heart in so many ways that he needed to pull him closer, hold him as close as possible so he wouldn't feel scared anymore. Kurt never should feel that way around anybody.

“I love you too,” he heard him saying, feeling his arms holding him just as close and strong. There was so much he felt. So much anger, so much sadness but mainly love. The love he was waiting for, the love he needed and knew and wanted. Pulling back he needed to kiss him, needed to seal their words with a kiss and remind himself and Kurt was those words meant.

It was not a gentle kiss nor rough. It was a deep kiss, the one which told both how much they actually had missed each other and how they never stopped loving the other.

“I want to love you,” whispered Kurt against his lips and his hands wandered down, tugging at Blaine's shirt: “And I want you to love me.”

 


	27. Liar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used in this chapter: Mumford & Sons - Liar. Warnings for angst I guess. Let me know what you think!

 

Chapter 27. Liar

 

Kurt wanted to feel him and needed to feel him. In every way possible. He needed the kisses and the touches, the smell and the noises they made when they made love. Because love was no longer a part of his current relationship which he wanted to end. And Blaine was the only person who could give him that and should give him that. Small things were enough so Kurt felt like a person again, like he was alive and could really feel again. The way Blaine looked at him when Kurt took his shirt off, sucked everything in through his eyes like Kurt was the most precious thing to him. And he was and so was Blaine for him.

Also, Blaine was not alone with the way he looked at Kurt. His blue eyes showed the same when he saw Blaine's bare chest and touched the warm, tan and soft skin. Sitting up he ran his hand up Blaine's arm to his shoulder and down his chest, slowly, just feeling and sucking it all in through his eyes and fingers. Looking up he saw how dark Blaine's eyes already were but also shining with all the love like he always did. Golden, shining, with the most beautiful color. Smiling back Kurt leaned closer to place a soft kiss on those warm and gentle lips, those lips he had missed for such a long time.

“You are sure about that?” asked Blaine.

“I am.”

They undressed, both already half hard from seeing each other naked and sat down on the bed, not wanting to go too fast right now. Both needing to just touch and feel for a while. It felt good to feel safe, to be able to take his clothes off without being afraid to send wrong signals. So nice to be touched in a gentle way, from someone who loved him and he loved in return.

Blaine was sitting across him, legs outstretched and Kurt's thighs resting on Blaine's, sitting and leaning their foreheads together. His fingers just touched Blaine, his neck and shoulders, his chest and thighs and back up, slowly, gently, like he was painting something on his tan skin. His fingers ran over the fine muscles on his arms, ran along his collarbone and along his neck, back down to his tiny nipples he always found so cute on him. Chest hairless and smooth, Blaine's breath coming from his nose and touching his lips, eyelashes tickling his skin. This man was so beautiful and holding an even more beautiful soul inside this body. So beautiful and meant for Kurt to be loved and receive love.

It was not that hard to understand that because this was a natural thing for them. They were their first kiss, first boyfriend, first time and Kurt got to learn the beauty Blaine Anderson was. Not only by his look but also by the way he touched Kurt too. Fingers still soft and hands a bit larger than his knew how to touch him and healed him all over again. Blaine's fingers ran from his thighs up to his belly, chest and drew patterns on his skin, close to his heart. It was beating so fast like it tried to get touched by those fingers which knew how to treat it right.

Blaine leaned closer, kissing Kurt's chest like he could hear the words coming from his heart and answered. It was such a gentle but also strong gesture that he needed to take a deep breath otherwise he thought he would just suffocate. Blaine still kissed his chest and Kurt kissed his shoulder, his cheek, fingers resting in Blaine's hair and Blaine's hands on Kurt's back pulling him closer. They did just that, kissing each part they could reach with their lips and keeping each other close until Blaine began to kiss his neck, suck on his sensitive spot and Kurt moaned. It had been a while since someone kissed him there, knowing where and made him moan.

His cock was already hard, pre-come leaking out of it and eyes half closed, just like Blaine's when they met. There was a satisfied smile on his face which made Kurt role his eyes but he kissed him right after that and made it clear that he was ready.

Sex was always their way to show their love for each other. Their way to connect without a wall between them and their way to say all the things words could never describe. It didn't matter what they did, what kinks they tried, it was always love.

“Do you want to top?” asked Blaine like they never stopped being together, never stopped doing this.

“No. I want you to.”

The truth was, Kurt didn't have the strength to top. His body might have no signs of what happened this week but he felt it in his bones and muscles. This week was horrible and he wished he didn't have to go back and tell Garret that he wanted to break up with him. A text would make it too but this was not Kurt's style.

“Alright, beautiful,” said Blaine and kissed his cheek before leaning over to the nightstand and opened the drawer to get the lube and condoms. For a second Kurt wanted to tell him not to use it because he wanted this to happen the same way they used to do it. But they both had other partners and after everything that had happened and was happening he didn't want to take this risk, just like Blaine. Lying on his back and opening his legs he smiled at Blaine when he opened the bottle of lube and poured some on his fingers, warming it up and moving closer again so that his face was above Kurt's and his lubed fingers reaching between Kurt's legs.

“I love you,” whispered the lower voice, kissed his cheek and nuzzled against it as the first finger slowly stretched his hole: “So much.”

Relaxing and turning his head so that their lips met he let Blaine's finger go deeper, stretching him, preparing him so they could connect, love in a way no one else could. No Garret, no Jason. Just them. Kurt broke the kiss when he felt the second finger and moaned, eyes still closed and feeling along the two fingers stretching him also Blaine's lips still kissing parts of his face. Rolling his hips to Blaine's pumping fingers he searched for another kiss when the third followed. He hadn't had sex for a while, not this kind of but it didn't really hurt. The stretch was burning a bit but knowing which fingers did that filled his body with so much pleasure he almost forgot this feeling.

Blaine felt it how tight he was but said nothing, not needed to because he knew Kurt's body and what this meant.

“I'm ready,” it was just a whisper but Blaine stopped, trusting him. His hole was clenching when the fingers slipped out, searching for something to make him full again and when Blaine didn't move but just looked down with his warm smile Kurt wondered what he was waiting for. Or maybe he knew it.

“I want to enjoy this and remember this.”

“You want to remember this, burn it into your head and remember it when hard times comes?”

There was a small spark of surprise in Blaine's eyes because Kurt quoted the words he said to him when they had their first time. Then it changed into pure love probably because Kurt remembered.

“Yes. Because I did not when hard times came. And though you are here you are still... not really here, you know?”

Yes, he knew.

“I'll be. I want to and I will be.”

With a small nod Blaine moved, settling between Kurt's legs and opening the condom. He rolled the latex over his hard, thick, cock which gave Kurt always so much pleasure and hit the spots which could make him scream, moan and come untouched. Blaine took the lube again, slicking himself up and moved closer. Licking his lips Kurt felt the head nudging against his asshole, feeling inch after inch sinking deeper, stretching him slowly, more and more. It was so good, it burned and hurt a bit but it was so good to feel Blaine inside him again that, as soon as he was back above him Kurt captured his lips into a desperate kiss. Sinking deeper they moaned together, Kurt's hands on Blaine's back and one of Blaine's on his hip, holding him there and the other on the back of his head.

Fully inside they both waited for a while, letting the arousal fill their bodies, letting their breathes mix together and slowly he opened his eyes, meeting the pure gold from Blaine's.

“I love you,” whispered Kurt and saw Blaine smiling before he began to slide out and thrust back in. Slow, just letting Kurt feel and feel for himself, sharing sweet kisses, lovely looks and blissful smiles. Yes, this was where Kurt belonged and wanted to be, forever. He wanted to do this with Blaine, cook with him, go shopping with him and plan their future together. Here was his happy place, his home and he would be the worlds biggest idiot to go away from this.

The thrusts became faster, deeper and their mouths open, letting each moan and cry fall into the other mouth. Blaine hit all the sweet spots inside him, making him roll his eyes back and arching his back when he hit his prostate over and over again. Groaning against Kurt's skin he began to kiss him again, Kurt rolled his hips with Blaine and pleaded for more, faster and deeper. Legs wrapped around Blaine's fast he pushed him closer and soon Blaine was just going in in in and when Kurt moaned lower, longer he wrapped his arm around Kurt's cock, only two, three strokes and he came all over his stomach. His cry made Blaine shaking, moaning louder and he came with a last deep thrust. Trying to breath and think again he only felt how Blaine slumped on him, boneless, sated and pressed his open mouth against Kurt's neck.

Sweaty and happy, so happy, he wrapped his arms around Blaine's body, kissing his forehead and waited until he came back to his senses, though Kurt wished they could never leave this bed and stay here forever. Feeling Blaine's breathing slowing down he smiled at him when their eyes met and heard him say: “Beautiful.”

“Us sweaty and covered in come?”

“That too,” he laughed and kissed him before pulling back and leaving Kurt empty again. His eyes watched Blaine, taking the condom off, knotting it and throwing it into the bin. Then he stood up, left to the bedroom and came back with a damp towel cleaning Kurt gently who placed his hand on Blaine's. Cleaning himself and placing the towel on his nightstand he lay next to Kurt and ran his fingers through his sweaty hair. Always so gently, so careful like Kurt was something special. And he was, for Blaine he always was.

“Feeling good?”

“You have no idea.”

Humming Blaine slung his arms around Kurt, legs tangled together and foreheads resting against each other. This happiness he felt, so raw and deep and those arms which held him safe and warm like they always did... Kurt really never wanted to leave this place. This was his home, Blaine was his home and the love his heart needed to stay warm and pounding, his soul to shine.

“I want us to live here when you broke up with Garret. If you want to live here that is.”

Nodding slowly he closed his eyes and listened, imaging the life he could have soon.  
“We would live in a quiet neighborhood, but still close enough to the city. I have a room for you so you can work and I'll promise to support you and listen and even leave you alone if you need alone time.”

“I know you will. You always do and so much more.”

“And so do you. You make me so happy and you just... know me. Not just who I am but also what to say to me, how to touch me, what I need and don't. I never want to let this go, you go.”

Kurt smiled, pressing his lips against Blaine's and falling into those thoughts and images. Waking up with Blaine next to him, having the love he missed so much and the support he needed. Someone who also knew him, what to say, how to touch. Someone who never let his heart fall or his soul suffer. It seemed like such a beautiful dream but it was real. And the one who could make it true was in his arms, never wanting to stop kissing him or hold him.

“Me too.”

Blaine hummed, running his hands gently over Kurt's skin and whispered: “I don't want to sleep. But I'm tired.”

“We should. I'll be here in the morning and so will you.”

His love nodded slowly, pulling the blanket over their naked bodies and snuggled closer again before they closed their eyes and fell into a deep sleep.

 

* * *

 

Kurt woke up with a wet, hot, and familiar mouth around his cock, sucking and licking him in the best way possible. Still half asleep he rested his hand lazily on Blaine's head, moaning unashamed when he took him all the way inside his mouth, sucked stronger and Kurt came inside his hot mouth. Slowly coming down from his high he opened his eyes and saw the proud look on Blaine's face who leaned down and kissed him deep, letting Kurt taste himself.

“You are impossible,” he mumbled and the other laughed.

“I didn't get the chance to give you your birthday blowjob.”

Smiling he kissed his cheek and turned around to take his phone to check the time. It was nine and he needed to go back home around four because there was still work to do.

“When do you need to go?” asked Blaine and nuzzled against his neck.

“Around four. I still have some things to do for tomorrow.”

“So, shower and breakfast?”

“Mhm,” he hummed, turning back to him and kissing his forehead: “And then I'll give you one in return.”

“I'm fine,” said Blaine and sat slowly up but Kurt could see his hard on. He let Blaine help him standing up and they showered together, Kurt making his words true. After breakfast they sat together on the couch, talking about the drawings from Kurt and Kurt wanted to wait until he broke up with Garret before giving them to Isabelle. He thought it was better this way because then she would fire him anyway and he could, without a worry, apply for the spot as a real and full-time designer. But Kurt preferred to be a love sick puppy just like Blaine for the last hours they had together. They shared kisses as often as they could, giggles, loving looks and then Kurt had to leave which made his heart heavy.

The last two days were important and helpful but most importantly it gave him strength and reminded him where he belonged to. Also what he could have and that what he had was nothing he needed and nothing he deserved. It was not the time to tell Blaine this, he probably already knew enough when Kurt said he was sometimes scared when he was around Garret. There was no need to worry him more. At the front door they kissed long, slow, and deep not ready and wanting to let god yet. And it was hard to leave this place, to leave Blaine but he would be back soon. Back and stay.

 

On his way back home all the happiness grew smaller and smaller with each step that took him further away from Blaine. His home was no home anymore. It was not a safe place or a lovely place. It was only an apartment with two people living there. One trying to fix things and his partner and the other not caring about anything. Yes, it was a lie when Kurt said he passed out and hit his head at the sink. But it was still an accident. At least he told himself this. Maybe it was even his own fault that Garret hit him because he began to yell at him, which he shouldn't had done.

Garret had some problems, what kind of problems Kurt didn't know but something was bothering him and when he asked Garret said he was fine and figured it out himself. Like everything.

Reaching their building and walking into the modern and expensive hall he took the elevator feeling nervous, a bit scared because he hadn't heard from his fiancé in the past days. Something Kurt wanted, space and time without him.

Taking a last deep breath he unlocked the door and stepped inside, taking his coat and shoes off to find the apartment in a clean state. But the person sitting on the couch and hanging his head was something new. Garret never looked like this. He always held his head high, sometimes too high and never showed sadness or weakness. Now, though, he looked like he lost everything and when their eyes met Kurt saw the red cheeks and glassy eyes.

“I'm sorry,” was the first thing Garret said and Kurt tried to ignore it, to let it do anything to him. He had to break up, he needed to break up because this was not his home anymore.

“Garret, I-”

“Please, Kurt. I'm so sorry, I have no idea how this could happen but I'm sorry,” he stood up, walked through the living room, closer to Kurt who was literally frozen on the spot. It doesn't matter, he thought, it doesn't matter if Garret was sorry or not because it would never change what he did. This time, though, he crossed a line. But then his arms were around Kurt's body and they stopped his mind and let fear rule his whole being. A fear that he couldn't control. Cold, strong, stronger than he was.

“I love you, I want to marry you and it won't happen again.”

His hands were not Blaine's, neither were his lips he pressed against Kurt's cheek. He was too tall to be Blaine and too rough. He was just someone who could do things to Kurt he didn't want to but had no strength to fight against them. A fear, a cold feeling that forced him to do something he wanted to stop.

“I need you, Kurt. I need you to be okay.”

And this was just Kurt's nature, to be there when someone needed him. He didn't love Garret, not like he used to, but he cared about him, like he cared about all his friends. Being alone and solving deep, difficult problems could kill someone inside, he knew that and he didn't want Garret to feel this. Garret who used to take care about everything on his own and who always knew what to do. Now he held Kurt, tight, strong and was shaking. Why he was shaking? Kurt wasn't sure if it was because out of fear he might lose him or something else. But he couldn't just walk away and leave him here alone when he opened up, right?

“Please don't leave me.”

His hands slowly found their way around Garret's trembling body, heard his sobs and felt the tears against his skin. What if he waited for another week? Maybe more weeks until Garret was okay again? What if he just waited a little bit more and then, when he was sure his fiancé was okay then he would leave? Was this fair? Fair for him, for Blaine and for Garret?

“I won't,” was all he could say.

 

* * *

_I know that things are broken_   
_And though there’s too many words left unsaid_   
_You say you have spoken_   
_Like the coward I am I hang my head_

 

It was the second week of December and Garret was away again. The accident that had happened didn't happen again. They weren't okay, no, they were just living together and Garret became his old self again. He never apologized again, never even talked about it again or told Kurt what was wrong with him. Kurt tried to ask, not directly but he tried and all of Garret's answers made him feel like a young, silly boy who had no idea what an adult had to go through or what it meant to be an adult. But Garret said he needed him and he couldn't go and leave him alone.

His fiancé had no real friends like Kurt did. No father who was supporting like his dad. Yes, Garret and his father were fine but on a different level. They never talked about feelings but business. So it didn't take too long and Kurt felt miserable again. All his optimism was gone and his plan to break up not forgotten but not going to happen any time soon. And it was frustrating. He knew this relationship was pointless and made him feel miserable. He knew that but he just couldn't leave him. When he said he needed Kurt it did something to him he couldn't explain and he was wondering if something was wrong with him. Was it the fear? Was it because he maybe still loved Garret? No, he didn't. But he was scared, so much that he couldn't just go away.

 

_You lie careless your head on my chest_   
_And don’t even look at me looking my best_   
_And all these things I can’t describe_   
_You would rather I didn’t try_

 

What if Garret got hurt? What if he got mad and would ruin him and Blaine? Blaine didn't deserve this and it was his problem, his alone to solve though he had no idea how to. That's why he avoided Blaine, again and usually cried himself to sleep.

However, it was not fair to ignore Blaine after the incredible weekend they had shared. So he went to his place, without Blaine knowing and got a surprised but also happy smile when the door opened.

“Hey,” he breathed when Kurt walked inside and like on instinct he pressed his lips against Kurt's. Immediately he melted into the kiss, into Blaine's arms and his heart screamed at him that this was where he belonged to. This was the place he should chose and no other place.

“Hey,” he whispered when their kiss broke.

“I hope you aren't too busy with work? I really missed you.”

“Me too. But... I have my reasons and it's not just work.”

“Okay?” said Blaine, a questioning look, and took his hand as he walked into the living room. He was okay with being unfair to himself or to Garret. He was okay with lying to himself and Garret. But none of this was something Blaine deserved. He deserved the truth, or at least a part of the truth. And Kurt was not sure how Blaine would react or if it would ruin everything. But this was Blaine who always understood. Always. So he held his hand still, caressed it gently with his thumb and wished he could just be free, finally free and hold this hand without feeling so bad.

“I... I want to break up with Garret but... something happened that forces me to wait a little while longer.”

Blaine only blinked, happiness gone completely from his face. Okay, this was not good. Not really.

“He said he needs me to be okay. Needs me to figure something out. I don't know what it is but I know he has some problems he can't go through alone.”

“For how long?”

“I'm not sure. I just... I can't leave him like this. I'm still his fiancé and still responsible for him-”

“No, Kurt,” interrupted Blaine him and squeezed his hand, so that Kurt was forced to look into his eyes. He was completely serious: “You are not responsible for him. He is responsible for himself. You are not his babysitter.”

Kurt looked down, not letting his words touch him. He had to be there for Garret, he had to help him otherwise he would hurt him or even Blaine.

“I don't understand you, Kurt. You aren't like that, letting someone rule over your life like this.”

“He is not ruling my life. I told you I want to apply for the job with or without Garret's okay.”

“And you still haven't done it.” He knew it was not entirely true.

Kurt bit his lower lip and Blaine huffed, voice almost pleading, but also serious: “When you said you passed out, was this the truth?”

Kurt said nothing. There was no way he could tell the truth. If Blaine didn't already know the truth.

“I told you I wait. And by that I meant I wait until you are ready and that I would let no one else into my life but you. By that I meant to support you whatever you decide to do but, if this means that you get hurt I won't sit here and just watch.”

“Blaine, it's not like that,” now it was Kurt pleading, trying to convince him otherwise. Trying to keep him safe before he would go mad, and he would, and go after Garret. Blaine was able to do that tough he hated it. But for Kurt he would do that and he couldn't let that happen. He couldn't hurt him more and more and he knew he did it now too.

“I'm not blind, Kurt. I see that something is wrong and you even said yourself that you are scared. I don't see anyone or anything but Garret to be the reason that you are scared.”

“He loves me, Blaine. He loves me and needs me and I can't go like that.”

Blaine stood up, letting go off Kurt's grip and shook his head. Without a word he just walked through the living rum, running his fingers through his hair, like always when he tried not to freak out about something but stay sane.

“Do you love him?”

_But please don’t cry, you liar_   
_Oh please don’t cry, you liar_   
_Oh please don’t cry, you liar_

 

“It's not about that. I care about him, yes, but it's not about that. I just want him to be okay before I leave him.”

“I can't believe this,” whispered Blaine and Kurt stood up too, not sure what to do but he wanted to calm him down.

“You are not responsible for him. No one is. He is a grown up man and has to take care of himself. And from what I hear and see I just... I don't want you to get hurt. Don't you understand that? It hurts me to see you hurt.”

“I'm fine-”

“You are not fine!”

The loud voice of Blaine woke something up inside him. Something he hadn't felt for a while. It was no anger towards Blaine, it was a different kind of anger mixed with desperation to change things. To get the life he wanted to have. Anger that he was trapped inside this what was his life now and he just couldn't get out of it. Blaine had it, his friends had it and lived it. He didn't and he knew it was his fault.

“You were here with a cut on your eyebrow looking like you haven't slept for days and then tell me you are scared of Garret. Do you really think I would believe, just for one second, that you are fine?”

“You don't understand this or us.”

“I don't have to Kurt. I see what this relationship is doing to you, what he is doing to you. That's enough I need to know because I know you.”

“You have no evidence for anything, Blaine.”

He couldn't know, there was no way Blaine was allowed to know the truth. Alone imagining he would know it and act on his instincts made Kurt's eyes fill with tears.

“I don't, that's true. But I love you, Kurt. I love you more than anything, more than anyone ever will and we've been talking about this, right? You said you wanted to live here, with me and leave this place. I saw it you want that, you want this, us more than anything and then you go to him, come back here and tell me you need more time?”

Kurt shook his head, not wanting to cry in front of Blaine or explain himself anymore. Though, he had no idea how to explain this. It was just the way it worked between him and Garret. The way to keep people safe, especially keep Blaine safe.

“I need time and you have to accept that.”

He walked through the living room to the corridor and took his coat but Blaine was right behind him, just a bit anger left but mainly he was worried.

“I'm worried, Kurt. I'm worried sick. I don't need you to tell me what is going on. I know something is wrong and I'm worried that you'll get hurt. Seriously hurt.”

“And I'm afraid that you get hurt,” Kurt said with a strained voice, knew his eyes were already glistening and red. He didn't care about himself but he didn't want Blaine to be the person he didn't want to be and do what he never wanted to do again. It would hurt him even more and Blaine would never forgive himself. No matter how much he disliked Garret, he never wanted to be the bad guy he once was.

“I already am because you aren't here but there,” said Blaine and took his hand, trying to keep him here but it only made the tears flow. Hot, fast, down his cheeks.

“I'm sorry, I can't,” whispered Kurt and kissed Blaine on his lips because he wasn't sure if he could kiss him again anytime soon.

_And you lean in for your last kiss_   
_Who in this world could ask me to resist_   
_Your hands cold as they find my neck_   
_Oh this love that I've found, I detest_

 

 

 

 


	28. White Blank Page

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used in this chapter: Mumford & Sons - White Blank Page (Bookship Sessions). I also changed a bit of the lyrics you'll notice it :). There is some angst at the end which will mainly be part of the next chapter.

 

Chapter 28. White Blank Page

 

 

When he left Blaine's apartment he began to cry, really cry. He didn't hide his sobs and didn't try to stop the tears. He let them fall, tear after tear, hot on his cold cheeks. Desperately he tried to understand what made him do this, what was it that he couldn't just leave Garret. Was it really because he was scared that he might hurt Blaine? Or that Blaine might do something he'll regret as soon as he knew the truth? A truth he already knew but had no evidence for? He wondered how he became so weak and let someone, who was obviously not good for him, rule over his life.

Even his dad told him that he wasn't happy about Garret. But it was not because of his job or his look or his manners. Garret was the perfect son in law but he always told Kurt that there was something wrong. Something he couldn't really tell but feel and see. It was true that his fiancé could be weird, could do things that weren't okay but he never hurt Kurt, not physically. And since they were engaged and Kurt agreed on that he was trusting him. He always trusted him. When Garret said he was not ready to become a full-time designer he trusted him, whatever he said Kurt trusted him though he couldn't always agree with him. It were just words that he learned to ignore and learned how to react to so that Garret never really figured out what Kurt thought truly about it.

But when he hit him because he had one of his moods, those weird moods he ready and determined to leave him. Especially after the weekend with Blaine. A weekend full of love and all the things he never got from his fiancé he was ready, so ready.

But then Garret did this thing with his voice that made him weak, so weak he hated himself sometimes. Just... what was worse? Staying with a person he didn't love but needed him and hurting himself? Or hurt himself and Blaine and live a life as a liar? Because that's what he was, a liar. He lied to himself, to Garret and to Blaine and he had no idea why or how he became this person. Blaine was right, so right. Kurt was not responsible for Garret and could do whatever he wanted. He could, yes, but something was holding him back and he cried over this, over the fact that he maybe lost Blaine and over his mind. A mind that was such a chaos he wished it would just stop. Just stop whispering things and make him do things he didn't want to.

 

The next morning he sat in Garret's office and stared at some e-mails, not even reading him. No, his eyes constantly went to his phone, waiting for a text from Blaine but he knew, he hurt him too bad so that Blaine wouldn't answer right away, or never. And alone the thought that he might have lost Blaine because he was a liar, because he was pulling him closer but then pushing him back again was almost unberable. Of course Blaine wouldn't let him do this to him. This, made him tear up all over again and he wished he was somewhere else, in a bed where he could cry for hours.

“Sweetie, whats wrong?” it was Isabelle who spoke and Kurt didn't even notice when she walked inside Garret's office. Wiping his eyes dry he tried to hide how hurt he was and how confused he was about what was happening to him and how he was able to act the way he did, Isabelle could still see it. Coming closer she bowed down, letting her hand rest on Kurt's shoulder but he shook his head.

“It's nothing, really.”

There was Isabelle his boss but also his friend who wanted him to be happy and he knew she didn't like Garret but was totally smitten by Blaine. Every person was smitten by Blaine but this was not the reason why he wanted Blaine instead of Garret. Of course not.

“You crying tells me it's not nothing,” said she with this motherly smile.

He shook his head again and didn't want to talk about it and drag Isabelle into something that might hurt her too. Even if he tried to explain what was wrong he had no idea where to begin or even tell what the problem was. Breaking up seemed so easy when he spent the weekend with Blaine but as soon as he saw Garret again he couldn't do it.

Sometimes he missed his old self. The one knowing what he wanted and the one being more determined, more focused on himself and not someone else. Garret had all his attention, his whole world was circling around him and he wondered when this happened. Also, Garret hurting him should be the reason to go, go far away, break this engagement and never go back. Yet he was still there with him and he had no idea why.

“I'm sorry, I really can't talk about it.”

It would be unfair telling her everything but Blaine not. It would be unfair because this was as much about him as it was about Blaine. Luckily Isabelle gave in and left, something she didn't do that easily but accepted Kurt's wish.

 

Back home he cooked himself some pasta and checked the calender if there was anything to be done before Christmas. There was only one night he promised to attend. The Christmas Party at Santana's bar, which meant spending the night with his friends, Garret and with Blaine. If they wouldn't meet before he would meet him then. In two weeks and he felt sick thinking about it. Not that he had to see Blaine – he wanted to see him and be with him – but Blaine and Garret together in one room. That made him sick and they both knew him and so much could go wrong with one word with one look.

And he had nightmares about that. How Blaine got furious and beat the living lights out of Garret, or, how Garret ruined Blaine by his smart words. How Blaine turned back into the person he never wanted to be again and how Garret manipulated other people. He had those nightmares almost every night. Garret either ignored them – because Kurt was sure he was talking or at least writhing in their bed – or he didn't notice them, when he was around. But it was exhausted and living under this constant fear something could happen was not healthy. So he asked Isabelle if could take a week off earlier and she agreed.

 

Three days before the Christmas party he got really nervous and couldn't focus on his lunch. He even left his apartment to find a place which would give him different thoughts and calm him down. But his mind was such a tricky place in the past days that he couldn't focus on anything but his nightmares and what was wrong with him.

“Kurt?” he heard a woman saying and looked up, mouth hanging open when he recognized the woman in front of him. She still had her short black hair, still this soft face, those warm eyes and when she smiled Kurt felt like the young boy he was ten years ago.

“Leona?” he said and then smiled with her. Blaine's aunt, the woman who helped Blaine to find out what he wanted to do and who he wanted to be. The woman who helped them both so much was standing right in front of him in a white coat and still looking so young and beautiful. Standing up they both laughed when they hugged and she held his face in her hands, so gentle and lovely.

“It's been years. Oh my God.”

“Yeah,” he breathed, so happy to see her: “But what are you doing here? I thought you are living in Ohio?”

She laughed and took her hands away, voice so beautiful and calming: “I do, well we do. I just came here to visit Blaine after he told me that he and Jason broke up.”

Right, she was his aunt and one of the people Blaine trusted. Still he wondered how much she knew about them. Though, Kurt didn't ask.

“Can I join you? I just wanted to eat something before I have to go to the airport.”

“Of course,” he said and together they sat down in the small Italian restaurant, waiting for her lasagne to come. They waited for their food, talked about their families, about the last 7 years. About his job, her kids, everything. And of course Blaine.

“So I've heard you and Blaine are friends again?”

“Uhm, yeah, we are. It's good to have him back.”

Well, her look told him everything he needed to know but Leona was not stupid or very curious. She always let them be and gave them an advice when she thought it was necessary. But, usually, she let them experience everything.

“I was pretty shocked when he told me you two broke up. Guess, no one thought this would ever happen.”

“We thought that too. But we are... working on that right now.”

“Working, huh? But you are still engaged?”

“I am but it's... not that easy, you know?”

Leona nodded slowly but gave him a meaningful look.

“I do understand that, Kurt, and I'm really not here to tell you what to do or not to do. I just look at you and miss something.”

Leona was not the only one missing something, Kurt missed something too which he only got when he was around Blaine. It should have been stronger than the fear for Garret. Their love should have been stronger so Kurt would break up with him and be with Blaine. But something was wrong with his mind, with him and he couldn't say what it was.

“I know what you mean but it's really not that easy to break up with him.”

“Maybe not. You two are engaged and planned your future.”

“I don't want that though.”

Blaine's aunt smiled and reached for Kurt's hand, squeezing it gently and made him smile. It felt good to smile again after all those nightmares and days when he just cried and tried to understand what was happening to him.

“I trust you, I always did. You were and are what Blaine needs and wants and without you I'm sure he wouldn't be the person he is today. So I trust you now too. You'll figure it out and do the right thing.”

 

* * *

 

That night Kurt was able to sleep because imagining Leona and reminding her words made him so calm that he wasn't afraid of any nightmares and, for once, didn't cry himself to sleep. But he only slept for two hours and woke up by a loud noise. Blinking his eyes open he listened and heard steps, glass breaking and Garret hissing over his phone but it was impossible to tell what he was saying. Kurt didn't move, didn't make a sound and prayed, waited for the silence to come. Waited that Garret would stop being so furious over whatever because the last time this happened he hurt Kurt and he never wanted this to happen again.

When Garret began to act so weird whenever he came back from those events Kurt thought he was just exhausted. Then he his fiancé asked for sex, for some closeness and usually it was just Garret not actually sleeping with him but using Kurt's body to get off, while murmuring how he needed Kurt, how he loved Kurt. It was creepy, it was scary and because he was scared he didn't say anything. They hadn't had sex in months so as long as Garret didn't force him to it it was okay, right? But for Kurt it was not. After each time Garret just rubbed himself off on Kurt's body he felt used, disgusted and like he was just a thing for his fiancé.

But the constant words of 'I'm sorry' or 'I love you and I'm sorry' made Kurt forgive him over and over again. And after that it got worse and when he didn't want to and said that, even yelled, Garret hit him. It came out of nowhere, suddenly and Kurt saw the cruel reality for just a second before he left to Blaine and found the other reality. The one with Blaine next to him who gave him love, happiness and strength. And back here all of this was just gone. One look at Garret and all of this was gone and it hurt.

Silence filled the apartment and he heard the door going open, felt Garret climbing on the bed and felt his arms around his body. Pretending to sleep he waited until he heard the even breathing and knew his fiancé was sleeping. This time he was sleeping.

 

The next morning when he woke up Garret was gone – unlike Kurt he still had to work – and found the living room in a mess. Clothes on the floor next to shattered glass. Papers on the couch, table and floor and drawers and furniture open. Sighing he rubbed his head, feeling the headache coming back and fixed himself some coffee otherwise his mind wouldn't work. After that he began to clean the living room and was looking for something, something suspicious but had no idea what he should be looking for.

Garret's 'freak-out' was not the first one. He had some before and Kurt learned to avoid him and stay quiet about them. But spending those moments with cold sweat on his skin in his bed? And being scared and waiting until it was over? This was no life and not the life he wanted. When he was done with cleaning he took a shower and left the apartment to take a walk and eat breakfast somewhere else but in those four walls which kept on scaring him than making him happy.

 

Then the day came he feared even more. The day when he would meet his friends and Blaine, together with Garret. He knew Santana, Mike and Mercedes wouldn't act differently or say anything about what he and Blaine were doing but he was not sure about Blaine. Of course he was upset but his silence, no calls, no texts made him nervous. Yet, this was Blaine who would never do something that could hurt Kurt and he would definitely not do something that could make Garret upset, especially not when he knew that Kurt was scared of his own fiancé.

Inside his eyes flew directly to the spot on the right side of bar and found Mercedes with Sam and Santana with Brittany already sitting there. He went over, hugged them hello and soon Mike and Tina joined them. They talked about the past weeks, about work and their families, about Christmas and what their plans were. Kurt got invited to Mercedes and to Rachel and Finn – when they joined them – but he said no and thank you. Blaine was nowhere to be seen and neither was Jason. Not that he expected Jason to be here but at least Blaine. His true love who would spend Christmas alone because he had no real family here. He wondered what Blaine did before he met Jason, if he was celebrating with their friends or at all. He visited his dad before he met Garret, but it was hard to be in the house where he and Blaine got to know each other, had their first kiss and first time and so many other beautiful moments.

They ordered their drinks, Garret talked with Rachel about something like the others did with each other and Kurt was too busy looking around, trying to find Blaine but he was just nowhere to be seen. And it was already nine, he usually was here around eight. Making sure that Garret was distracted and Mercedes busy with drinking he leaned closer and finally asked.

“Where is Blaine?”

“He is behind the stage. Getting ready for his performance.”

Nodding Kurt kept his eyes on the small stage and saw the guys Blaine sometimes played with. And then he came, the man he loved and wanted to be with and who he hurt with constantly breaking his words and pushing him around. He felt guilty for doing this but Blaine also needed to understand that it was not that easy for him. That being engaged was not like being boyfriends. Excuses, Kurt thought, because that was not the reason he still stayed with Garret.

Santana made sure everyone noticed Blaine and soon they were all watching him, a small smile on his face. Taking the guitar he nodded to something a brown haired guy said. Holding the guitar he took his place in front of the microphone, the other guys taking their seats – three of them – and then Blaine smiled to the crowd, not saying something but starting to sing.

 

_Can you lie next to him_   
_And give him your heart, your heart_   
_As well as your body_   
_And can you lie next to him_   
_And confess your love, your love_   
_As well as your folly_   
_And can you kneel before the king_   
_And say I'm clean, I'm clean_

 

Everyone, literally everyone was just listening, enjoying the sound of Blaine's voice and the way he played his guitar. Everyone here just enjoyed his talent and all the people who had no idea what those words meant. Kurt noticed Santana's look, Mercedes was tense but not looking at him and Mike wore a poker face. Kurt wanted to disappear though Blaine wasn't even looking at him. Not until he sang the chorus.

_But tell me now, where was my fault_   
_In loving you with my whole heart_   
_Oh, tell me now, where was my fault_   
_In loving you with my whole heart_

 

There were many advantages to know Blaine better than himself. It helped Kurt to say the right things, to treat him right and make him happy or help him. But at the same time all of this was a huge burden, knowing a person as good as he knew Blaine. That's why he could look right through the performance, see what he was really feeling while trying to not show too much of that. He tried not to show how much all of this between them hurt him and, also, made him angry.

Kurt tried to stay calm, tried not to show anything. But when Blaine sang again, louder, eyes focused on Kurt, gold burning with anger but also sad, he wished he could just disappear.

 

_A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage_   
_You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink_   
_You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections_

 

It was hard to look at him, see how tense he was, how much hurt he was and how he desperately tried to reach Kurt, his mind, his heart. He already reached those parts, Kurt thought, Blaine already had his heart, his thoughts. Not his heart was keeping him away from Blaine, not his soul. Something else, something he had no control over made him stay where he was. A place without love but constant fear.

 

_So tell me now, where was my fault_   
_In loving you with my whole heart_   
_Oh tell me now, where was my fault_   
_In loving you with my whole heart_

 

 

He wasn't sure if people noticed how Blaine stared at Kurt, how he needed to look down when it was too much but then back again. Maybe they thought Blaine just looked over to his friends, but it didn't go well with the way he sang and looked. He hung his head when he wasn't singing, biting his lower lip and letting his fingers fiercely fly over the strings. Like he tried to let all the pain out through this song and also tried to reach Kurt. And he did. So deep and so clear that Kurt felt his eyes burning but did everything to hold the tears back.

 

_Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life  
Oh, lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life _

 

When the song was over people began to clap, cheer, whistle and their eyes lost contact when Blaine gave them all a thankful smile. He bowed down and began to sing Christmas songs, the crowd singing along and Kurt stood up, going to the bathroom to wash his face and find some time alone just to breath.

 

* * *

 

“He misses Jason a lot, huh?” said Garret when they left the bar and took a cab home. Jason, yeah, it was the perfect excuse.

“He did something stupid and Blaine is probably blaming himself that he didn't notice what was wrong.”

He wanted to laugh and shake his head no. It had been the other way around. Blaine knew exactly what was wrong and what to do and Kurt was the one being confused and scared and did one stupid thing after the other. When he looked down at his ring, the promise between him and Garret the small silver thing almost felt too cold, burning into his skin. It felt like poison, running through his veins right to his head and made him do so many stupid things. Maybe he should visit a doctor or a psychologist? Was it something like that he had? Because this was not normal staying with someone who scared him more and more.

“I know that Jason misses him and also accepts Blaine's decision. Too bad, they were a nice couple.”

No, they weren't, thought Kurt.

“Blaine has his reasons and I understand them.”

“Of course, you know him. Anyway,” Garret told the cab driver to stop and Kurt blinked, giving him a questioning look.

“Where are you going?”

“Business,” Garret said, kissed Kurt's cheek and climbed out of the car leaving his fiancé there, with a confused expression. Was he serious? Leaving him here a day before Christmas Eve? Also, Kurt knew what those 'business things' meant and what they did to him. What they made him do and Kurt felt sick. Whenever Garret would come back tomorrow he would become this weird person, this furious person throwing stuff around or persuaded Kurt of that he needed him, loved him and forced him – at some point – to do things he didn't want to do. First the weird times he got off on Kurt's body, then the mess he left in their apartment and then everything together plus how he hit Kurt so bad, that he had a cut on his eyebrow.

It wasn't getting better it was getting worse and he was not ready to face tomorrow. He didn't want to face this again. What if this time would be worse? Not just some rubbing off while whispering sweet nothings that meant nothing. Not just some things that crashed against the wall or fell on the floor. Not just Garret raising his hand because Kurt asked what was wrong. Because he would to that, he would ask because he was tired. Tired of living with him and being scared that he could hurt him again. He was tired of wondering what was wrong with him, what he did on those trips. He was tired of living a life he never wanted.

He loved Blaine, not Garret and Blaine was the one who loved him back in a way Kurt needed and wanted. Blaine was right, he was not responsible for Garret and no one, but Kurt himself, could rule his life. And whatever it was that kept him there he had to fight against it and go back to the place he belonged to. The person who was waiting for him and got as much hurt as Kurt.

 

The next day he packed not all his stuff but everything he needed all the time. His laptop, clothes, pencils and sketchbooks, important papers. Soon his suitcase was full and he let it stand next to the front door before he walked through the apartment, making sure he didn't forget anything and wanted to be gone before Garret came back. This fancy place was never a place that made him feel like he was home. It was not as cozy as Blaine's place. Too perfect, too clean and too much for him. He didn't need all this luxury, something Garret wanted and always said he did it for Kurt, to make him happy, to make all of his wishes come true.

He never wanted an expensive apartment, never wanted a big TV, never wanted anything of this. All he wanted was someone who could make him feel loved and home, safe and welcomed and not like a pet, like a wonderful and beautiful thing beside Garret.

Being sure he had everything he pulled his phone out and stared at Blaine's name feeling excited, happy but also insecure if Blaine wanted him back. If Blaine was ready to take him back after what happened. If not it wouldn't be surprising but Kurt would fight for it. He would fight for this love no matter how long it took.

He pressed the call button feeling his heart pumping faster and faster and then it stopped when he heard the door going open and saw a wasted Garret, hair a mess, tie loose and eyes glassy. He looked like he was drunk but he was not. He looked like the times before, whenever he became this insane person.

“What's this?” he mumbled when he almost walked into Kurt's suitcase. Forgotten was the call, forgotten what he wanted to do. His mind was racing for a solution, for the words to say so he could get out of here without getting into a fight.

“Are you going somewhere?”

“I'm moving out,” it felt out of his mouth, finally but with those words the fear came back. Yet Kurt wanted to stay strong, grab his stuff and go.

“You are what?” said Garret, something flicking in his eyes Kurt couldn't really tell.

“I'm moving out, I'm breaking our engagement. I can't do this anymore.”

“Really?” he said, his voice having this sound like he was superior. And he only used this voice, this appearance when he was not okay with something and wanted things to go his way.

“I'm serious,” said Kurt, trying to sound determined, trying to look determined and though his knees were shaking he walked closer to his suitcase, closer to the man he feared more than anything, shoving his phone mindlessly back into his pocket.

But before he could take his suitcase, before he even saw the door and reached for it Garret smashed it shut. Not locking it, only closing it with a loud bang.

 


	29. Broken Crown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanring for this chapter: attempted rape! Also song used for this chapter: Mumford and Sons - Broken Crown which I planned to use for this scene since I began to plan the plot. Aaand we are getting closer to the end of this fic which makes me sad :( anyway, let me know what u think!

 

Chapter 29. Broken Crown

 

 

It was the 24th of December and Blaine used to enjoy Christmas since he and Kurt were together. Even when they broke up he enjoyed it but the first Christmas without him was more than hard. It was a Christmas he couldn't even remember because he had spent hours with drinking and sleeping just because he could and wanted to forget what day it was. He had no family to visit and his friends asked him, invited him but he really couldn't. After that he spent each Christmas with Santana and then he met Jason who really hated those days.

It reminded him of the day when he came out to his parents and the day when he literally lost everything. But Blaine tried to make the Christmas days something special for them both and Jason still didn't like them but enjoyed them together with Blaine.

Knowing this and feeling like it was the right time he texted Jason and asked him if they could meet to talk. Also he needed some distraction after last nights performance. The silence between him and Kurt was hard to accept and hard to handle. But it was harder to accept what Kurt said. How he wanted to stay with Garret and not with Blaine. How Kurt chose to be with someone who scared him and maybe, though Blaine had no evidence for that, hurt him physically.

Who would stay with someone like Garret? Why would Kurt do that? For him it sounded like something more serious, something psychological. Someone loved or whatever a person that treated the other person bad? He heard about those people and it was called 'Stockholm Syndrome' but he couldn't believe Kurt had that. He didn't want to believe that. Kurt was not weak or someone who let people rule his life. He was someone who listened, someone who weighted different opinions but no one who just let someone decide over what he had to do and what not.

 

Getting a text from Jason and that he was okay with meeting Blaine he got ready and left his apartment around 1pm. It was cold and the snow was falling and everything decorated for Christmas. Usually all these lights and snowman, people dressed as elves and Santas made him smile. A smile was still on his face but not as wide and bright as it used to be. But he felt terrible for singing this and knowing Kurt knew what this meant, knowing Kurt could see right through him. Maybe he had ruined everything now but, at least, he needed to try.

He walked into the small coffee shop, ordering two cups of coffee and left, waiting outside for Jason who soon came. It was the first time they met since Blaine broke up with him and he thought Jason would look terrible, sad, exhausted. He didn't. He wasn't looking too good either but he was fine. He let his hair cut otherwise it had been sticking out of his beanie. There was even a smile on his face and Blaine smiled back, hugging Jason before he became unsure.

“Hey,” he said pulling back giving him his cup.

“Hey. Thank you that you are ready for this,” said his ex and took the cup from Blaine.

“It's just... fair. I know you need some closure and so do I.”

“Right. So... where do you want to go?”

“I thought we should just take a walk somewhere more quiet. People are going insane because of Christmas.” And he was right. Around them were just people rushing from shop to shop doing some last minute Christmas-shopping. Nodding they left the heart of the city and aimed for a park they knew was close. Thought he expected this to be awkward it really wasn't. It was more like meeting an old friend who had to share a story and Blaine was finally ready to listen. But first, he thought, some small talk would be the smartest thing to do.

“How are you doing?”

“Not too bad,” Jason said after he took a sip of his coffee: “I'm living with my sister and her fiancé. I'll move out next month which I'm happy about and they are probably too.”

“Judith loves you and I'm sure she was happy to have you around.”

Jason nodded, a warm smile on his face he only had for his sister and asked: “What about you?”

“I'm...” Blaine thought it was a good time to be honest and it was just fair. He did mistakes too, just like Jason: “I'm figuring things out... with Kurt.”

Silence, long silence came and Blaine watched the snow fall on his shoes, waiting but not really surprised to hear Jason's words.

“So, that was what I felt.”

“I'm sorry, I hope you know that.”

Jason sighed and Blaine dared to look at him and saw no sadness, more like realization. It would have been naïve to think that Jason didn't notice anything. Yes, he maybe had no idea about the cheating but he for sure knew that Blaine felt something for Kurt. And maybe even knew that he never stopped feeling love for Kurt.

“I know you are. We both are for the mistakes we made. And I'm not even mad at you. It's your heart that chooses Kurt and I have to accept that.”

Hearing this felt good because it told him that Jason had learned from what he did and that he grew up. Blaine knew he always had troubles to let people go instead Jason used to climb higher and higher and take more and more people with him, ignoring how much weight he was wearing on his shoulders. Of course one day Jason would fall. Luckily he stood up and, hopefully, he learned to let go and also that every goodbye didn't mean goodbye forever.

“Look, Blaine. I really do not do drugs. It was a one time thing because of everything that happened between us. But I don't blame you, it was my decision and it was stupid.”

Blaine sighed and then smiled at his ex, taking his free hand and squeezing it. Like a friend would, like a person would who cared about him. He cared about Jason as a friend and he would always care about him because they went through the same thing. They both never were accepted by their parents and lost the solid ground each child needed in their life.

“Of course you don't do drugs. I know you and you are a good person. We make mistakes, like you said and I'm not mad at you. I was but not anymore. I just... I really love Kurt and I like the person I am today. This between us... would have ruined me and I would have been lying to you even more. I don't want to go back and be the bad guy I was. But this doesn't mean I can't be your friend. Well, if you want us to be friends.”

Those familiar lips curled into a smile and he let Jason hug him in a new way. A better way, as a friend. They talked for another hour, about their work, about Jason's sister who was lovely but also a bit crazy and shared some laughs about old stories with her. This was definitely better and new and he wished he and Kurt would have done the same. Stayed in contact and be, at least, friends.

“So you and Kurt are working things out?” asked Jason when it was already late and the sky turning darker.

“Well, he is still with Garret so... I don't know if he'll ever leave him.”

“He will, sooner or later. I know Garret and he is only friends with you and okay to you as long as you do what he wants, and, as long as he has some benefit from a friendship. After this drug thing he called me names and shit and I quit our friendship.”

Blaine stopped walking, stared at his friend and let the words echo in his head. Drugs and Garret? Jason did drugs with Garret?

“What do you mean?”

“We were together in Cali and he was the one who introduced me to his 'friends'. I thought it was okay because he was with me but I found out that he is doing this for months now. I also thought it's just something less dangerous but he is taking those big things and turns into some insane person when he gets angry.”

His heart was racing, pumping blood through his whole body and making him dizzy, but the bad kind of dizzy. There it was, the answer he needed, the answer Isabelle was looking for and he wondered if Kurt knew that or if he had any clue. Kurt... Blaine gasped and pulled his phone out.

“Something wrong?”

“A lot is wrong. Kurt needs to know that... he... he needs to get out of-”

But before he could call him Kurt called Blaine and with shaking hands he answered his phone.

“Kurt!?”

Waiting for an answer there was none. He heard Kurt speaking but his voice was far away from the phone.

“Kurt!” he said louder but nothing, only voices, two different voices and then the call ended.

 

* * *

 

 _Touch my mouth and hold my tongue_  
I'll never be your chosen one  
I'll be home safe and tucked away  
Well You can't tempt me if I don't see the day 

 

“Let me out, Garret. I'm not joking and this is not funny,” said Kurt in a warning tone, not quiet sure where his confidence came from but not complaining either. He was done with this, done with feeling small and weak and constantly scared of the person who should love him. Not scare him but love him.

“And where do you want to go?” he asked, eyes not the strong color they used to be, not focused not piercing. There was a cloud covering Garret's view like every time when he became this scary person. He was scary, even now, but Kurt stood strong.

“Does it matter?”

“It does, Kurt,” said Garret in a slow voice, pushed the suitcase further away from Kurt and straighten up, he was a bit taller than Kurt was. A common gesture from him to show that he was superior and Kurt tried to stay determined, tried to keep his voice even.

“I'm your fiancé, I'm the one who takes care of you. Where do you want to go, huh? Who will take care of you?”

“I will take care of myself. I've always took care of myself.”

Garret's eyes turned into a warning look, trying to bore through Kurt's eyes and reach his mind. This time he didn't succeed, this time Kurt refused to let him control his mind. Then Garret grabbed his arm, dragged him through the corridor to the living room and shoved him down on the couch, forcing him to sit and Kurt only didn't fight against it because he didn't feel like he was in danger. Not yet but he waited for alarm from his soul, his mind, from anything.

 

 _The pull on my flesh was just too strong_  
Stifled the choice and the air in my lungs  
Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie  
'Cause when I opened my body I breathe in a lie 

 

“Who bought this, Kurt?” he said as his arms stretched out showing him the living room: “I did. And not only this. Everything here was made the way you want it. I gave you everything because you wanted it. I did everything so you could be happy. And now you tell me you can take care of yourself?” Garret sneered and shook his head. Digging his fingers into the leather of the couch he watched Garret walking around, openeing several doors and drawers and throwing things around but never towards Kurt.

“The movies, the books. All the glasses and plates,” he spoke, like a mad man and let it fall, let things shatter into a million pieces: “All the clothes and jewelry.”

Kurt stopped listening, only watched the once so soft face now cold, tense and unfamiliar. Now just a mad man trying to force Kurt to believe in something that had never been true. Never. All the things Garret gave him were coming from him, all the things he got were never things he really needed or wanted and when Garret didn't stop his insane behavior Kurt had enough.

“I never asked you for anything. Never. You put things into my mouth I've never said.”

He really stopped pulling things out of the furniture, stopped mumbling things and stared at Kurt, watching his eyes and face and then his eyes went down to Kurt's hand.

“Did I? Then what about this?” he pointed at Kurt's engagement ring, the little silver trinket that became too heavy to wear and burning into his skin.

“Did I tell you to say yes when I asked you to marry me?”

“No. There was a time when I wanted to marry you. But you've ruined it.”

The once familiar eyes changed into something dangerous, probably because Garret understood what Kurt said. It was over, he was done with this, done with everything that had to do with Garret and Kurt felt that it was time to leave, now. He stood up, slowly, taking the ring off and saying: “I wanted to marry you because I loved you and because I thought we were good for each other. We were but not anymore.”

“Not anymore? What changed, huh? I gave you money, I gave you everything you wished. I gave you-”

“I didn't need that!” he yelled and Garret, for the first time, froze. This was the moment, the moment to say all the things he couldn't say and leave, leave before something could happen.

“I never wanted your money or that you make my wishes come true! I never wanted that! What I needed and need is someone who supports me, Garret. Someone who treats me like an equal! You stopped doing that a long time ago. You tell me I'm not good enough to become a designer, you tell me I'm not able to take care of myself. But I did, all the time when you went out doing whatever and ruining this, us, everytime you came back. I don't even know where you've been or what you were doing but I see what it is doing to you. It's turning you into this insane person. Dangerous, scaring me and I've been dealing with this alone. Every fucking time and I never told anyone about that.”

 

 _I will not speak of your sin_  
There was a way out for Him  
The mirror shows not  
Your values are all shot 

 

He placed the ring on the coffee table, watching how Garret's eyes were glued on the small silver ring and said the last words he had to say before he would leave.

“You are only focused on yourself. Everything must be about you and the way you want it. I know you, I know how you can play with people but I'm done with this. Pretending to love someone who makes me feel like nothing. Who scares me whenever he comes home in... this state. I don't want and need that. Nothing of that. What I want and need is someone who supports me, hears me out, treats me like an equal. Someone who truly loves me. You can't do that and I won't stay here for one more minute.”

He turned away, breathing in because there was too much air missing in his lungs and mind. He did it, he said it all and it felt good. His mind was not as clear as he wished it would have been. Just, when his eyes saw his suitcase and the front door getting closer and closer he felt better, free more and more. It were only centimeters, one a little bit and he had a hold on his suitcase but the hands he feared for so many nights twirled him around and pressed him against the wall.

He squeezed his eyes shut as he felt the pain running down his spine, making him numb for a while and felt Garret's strong grip around his wrist, felt him too close to his face and heart him whispering. Warning, too low: “I love you. I love you so much you just don't see it.”

 

_But oh my heart, was flawed I knew my weakness  
So hold my hand consign me not to darkness_

 

“Let me go,” hissed Kurt, opening his eyes and giving him a burning, warning look. Blue so intense that it had to do something to his ex. Standing still for a second or two Kurt began to hope that this was it, that Garret's mind understood what he was doing. It didn't.

“No. I'll show you my love if you can't see it.”

No, yelled Kurt's whole being and he began to kick him away, began to press his body off the wall and Garret away from him but, like any other time he took him by surprise, pressing his taller body against Kurt's and pressed his lips against his neck. No, no no no, thought Kurt and felt how Garret's right hand let his wrist go and used the chance the shove his face away from his neck. The hot breath, the wet lips, it felt disgusting and wrong. All of this was disgusting and wrong and he wouldn't let that happen again. Never again.

“Stop it,” he said through gritted teeth but Garret wasn't listening. Instead his hand pressed against Kurt's belly, going further down and opening his belt.

“Stop it!” he yelled and was fighting against him, pressing off the wall again, forward with the hope his ex would just stumble and fall.

“I love you, Kurt. You belong to me. You are perfect for me.”

 

 _So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down_  
I'll never wear your broken crown  
I took the road and I fucked it all away  
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace 

 

 

He was insane, insane, insane, insane, Kurt thought and held this thought. Telling himself this gave him strength, odd strength to not give in. Giving in would mean that he could do whatever he wanted with Kurt and that wasn't going to happen. Not again, not ever.

“STOP!” he screamed when the hand cupped his crotch and Kurt wasn't sure if he wanted to cry or not. He kicked again, shoved his head further away and finally Garret took some small steps backwards, finally there was some space between them and Kurt could easily slip away, and go. The suitcase wasn't important anymore. Important was to go away before his body turned numb, before his body couldn't fight anymore and Garret would have his way.

But then he was turned around, pressed with his front against the wall and Garret pressed himself against Kurt's body, letting him feel how hard he was and Kurt's eyes widened, his mouth hung open in a silent cry but always, always repeating in his head, he is insane, fight, he is insane, fight.

And then he used his elbow and rammed it against Garret crotch. There was a loud cry, followed by Garret stumbling backwards, still groaning in pain and Kurt needed to breath, breath in and out and collect his thoughts, order his thoughts and closed his pants and belt. Maybe it was stupid but he needed to do this, needed to be clothed and not open, not vulnerable.

 

  
 _So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down_  
I'll never wear your broken crown  
I took the road and I fucked it all away  
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace 

 

Then, between the cry and his rapid breathing he heard a smashing sound, heard voices and then the door was kicked open and he saw two faces. One he had been missing so much and one he thought he wouldn't see again. While Jason looked around Blaine was only focused on Kurt and he could only guess how he looked like. Exhausted? Done? Near to tears?

“Are you hurt?” asked Blaine and came closer while Kurt shook his head and felt Blaine's fingers touching his, holding them in this special way only he could do it. This small contact was always what gave him strength, gave them both strength and a silent promise between them, a way to say the things they couldn't say. Only then, when Blaine could feel Kurt in some way he looked around and saw the mess.

“What the fuck?” he said and Jason shook his head and Kurt reached out for his suitcase. But then he heard a groan, not coming from Garret but from Blaine and he stumbled backwards, pressing a hand against his face and groaned again.

“Are you fucking insane?!” yelled Jason at Garret who stood on both his feet, eyes focused on Blaine. It was like so many years ago, when they hit Blaine, when they treated him like he had been a criminal. And like so many years ago Kurt turned around and shoved Garret away, glaring at him with rage and coldness.

“Leave him alone! Leave- no! Blaine, stop!”

But Blaine was on Garret, pressing him down and reaching out, fist landing on Garret's face who did the same movement. Kurt and Jason grabbed Blaine's arms, dragged him off the other man and said it was senseless, not worth it to do such a thing. A thing Kurt knew Blaine never wanted to do again and was one of his biggest fears. Becoming the person he once was but never wanted to become again. Arms around Blaine's body, hearing his warnings and calls towards Garret – calls about what a pathetic idiot he was, how insane he was and how Blaine couldn't stand him – he pressed him out of the apartment, right into the hallway, followed by Jason who had the suitcase and closed the door.

 

  
 _So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down_  
I'll never wear your broken crown  
I can take the road and I can fuck it all away  
But in this twilight, our choices seal our fate 

 

* * *

 

 

They walked away from the building, quickly. Jason dragged the suitcase behind him and Kurt pressing his scared against Blaine's nose which was bleeding like crazy. Yet he made no sound, no complain left his lips and when Jason suggested to go to the hospital Kurt only said no. He knew Blaine hated hospitals and he also knew how to take care of him. They both knew because they had been through this many times. When they were sure they were far away enough they took a cab to Blaine's apartment. Kurt was sitting in the backseat with Blaine, still taking care of him and giving him a worried but also angry look because he had been so reckless thought he knew why Blaine did it. But it was not worth a bleeding nose or a black eye.

The ride to Blaine felt much longer than it was and only when they arrived in the four walls and walked into the living room some of the tension left them.

“I'll bring a towel and the first-aid kit,” suggested Jason and left them alone.

“Thank you,” said Kurt and decided he could think about this, him and Jason later. Right now he needed to take care of Blaine who made a expression which was hard to read. Maybe it was anger because his face hurt or maybe because of Garret. Maybe it was exhaustion or relieve but it was not important at that every moment.

“Come on, sit down,” said Kurt and Blaine did, the blood strained scarf still against his nose. Sitting Kurt pulled it back and saw that the bleeding stopped but the blood below his noes, down to his lips and covering his chin made it look worse than it was.

“Do you think it's broken?”

Blaine shook his head and stared at the blood on the scarf, eyes not widening or showing any shock. He was probably conflicted with old memories and how familiar this looked, even to Kurt.

“Are you okay? What did he do to you?” asked Blaine and their eyes met as Jason came back and handed Kurt the towel and the first-aid kit before he pointed to the kitchen and Kurt nodded, thankful for Jason to give them some time alone. Probably understanding that this was what they both needed. Something he had to ask about later.

“I'm okay,” said Kurt and began to clean Blaine's face gently but he stopped Kurt's movements and leaned his head back, resting against the backrest and gold boring into blue, seeking for the truth.

“What did he do to you?”

“I'm fine, don't worry.”

Blaine was having none of it and stared at Kurt, pushed his hand gently away before he could clean his face some more and that look said everything. They were done with pretending, done with lies or excuses. They were done with their old relationships and free, both of them and this meant they could be honest, had to be honest. Something Kurt still needed to realize and understand because his mind was going back to Garret, to what happened, but mainly he was focused on Blaine who looked scary with all the blood on his face and clothes.

“Without Jason, okay?”

He saw how Blaine thought about that and then how he remembered that they were, in fact, not alone. Jason came back into the living room, with an ice pack and two mugs with tea. Slowly he placed them down on the coffee table and sighed when he saw Blaine, still covered in blood.

“Do you need anything else?”

“I think not. Thank you, though. Really, thank you. Without you they both would be still fighting.”

“No need to, Kurt. You two are safe and I should go. But call me if you need anything, okay?”

“Yeah,” he said and stood up, standing there a bit awkward and not sure what to do with his hands or arms. Blaine's ex took this decision from Kurt and opened his arms, embracing Kurt in a short hug. It was almost Christmas, so miracles happened, right?

“Thank you, I mean it,” he said before he pulled back and Jason nodded, squeezing Blaine's shoulder gently who mouthed a thank you. They listened to his steps, heard the door being opened and then closed and Kurt slumped down on the couch but not relaxing. He still had to take care of Blaine who looked down on his hands, covered in his own blood. Old ghosts, Kurt thought when he saw Blaine's lips pressed into a thin line and eyes far away, chasing memories. Those where the old ghosts they both never stopped fighting against. They were over their past, yes, but they still had to fight against it day by day. It was a common thing after all those years, like breathing but seeing Blaine like this, how the scars began to open hurt him. It hurt him more than what Garret tried to do to him. The reason why was simple. Blaine was the most important person in his life.

The love of his life and the person who saved him and he saved in return.

“It's alright. You did nothing wrong,” whispered Kurt and kissed his cheek, taking the towel again and cleaning his face.

“Can we go to the bathroom? This... takes too long.”

“Of course.”

Helping Blaine up he tried not to wince because his body was sore from the fighting, from the tight grip Garret used on him. Just so Blaine wouldn't be worried but Kurt also had to learn that it was not that easy to hide things from Blaine. After all those years Blaine could read him still, better without them seeing each other. Probably a benefit of growing up and knowing people in general. Being sure that Blaine could stand alone at the sink he hurried to his bathroom, pulling his pajamas out and his own from his suitcase.

When he came back into the bathroom he saw how his love furiously rubbed his hands and lips thought the blood was already gone. Nothing Kurt had not seen before. Stopping the water he gently took the shaking hands into his, watching how Blaine's shoulders relaxed when their hands held each other, when their eyes met and how he, mindlessly, caressed the ring finger, free from the silver Kurt used to wear.

“You did it? You really broke up with him?”

“I did,” he smiled and this made Blaine even more calm, even more relaxed and he let Kurt help him out of his clothes and into his pajamas. Kurt changed too but had some troubles doing this with Blaine leaning closer and stealing kisses because he needed them, because he could do it, because they were free now. All Kurt could do was giggle, smile in sympathy when Blaine hissed and winced because his face still hurt and gave him a real kiss after he had his pajamas on.

Back in the living room they sat down and Kurt took the ice pack, pressing it gently on Blaine's left eye which was swollen, red and purple.

“I'm sorry. I just got your call and heard not much but enough so I got worried sick. And then I saw you and you looked so scared and then the mess and him... I couldn't stop myself.”

“You wanted to protect me,” said Kurt, being the calm one, being the strong one now while Blaine was fighting with himself. Something he didn't like to show or ask for because it was usually Blaine taking this part, being the one more sure about everything and giving Kurt a part of it so he could be strong too, find his own strength with Blaine's help. And he did. When Garret was threatening him, when he scared him the thought of Blaine was his strength too.

“You're not hurt, right? Be honest,” said Blaine, his right eye focused on Kurt who was close enough to Blaine so their shoulders were touching and smiled at him, taking his hand into his own.

“I'm not hurt. Just sore, but I'm fine.”

“Did he hit you? Again?”

Kurt shook his head and leaned his forehead against Blaine's temple, still letting the ice pack rest on his eye and not wanting to think about that now. About Garret or what happened. He just wanted to take care of Blaine, be here with him and start his life with him. There were enough things he would have to deal with soon enough.

“But he did something, right? You said you are sore that means he did or try to do something?”

Though he really didn't want to talk about it or think about it Kurt knew he had been pretty unfair to Blaine. Not only because he couldn't break up with Garret sooner but because he was hiding things which Blaine already knew but never knew for sure. Being unfair now felt wrong and he nodded slowly, pulling back and giving him a calm look. It was over, it was done and he wouldn't go back to this person again. The person who used his body over and over again and talked about how much he loved him, but never felt like love.

“He has been acting weird lately and he tried to force... his love on me.”

Blaine blinked and took the ice pack off his eye. Gold met blue and Kurt bit his lip, fighting against the memories in his head. He never really thought about what Garret wanted or what it meant, he only wanted to be the good fiancé and please him, make him happy because he thought he had problems. But this, what happened just an hour ago, maybe two, this had been different. It had been terrible, scary but he was fighting and got out. He got out and wanted to feel proud of himself until Blaine spoke, eyes wide and face loosing its color.

“He tried to rape you?”

Was it rape? Did his own fiancé, ex fiancé, tried to rape him? Was Garret such a person? For Blaine it was probably easier to see it that way but for Kurt? Honestly, his mind was too much of a mess to decide if it was that or not. But, logically it was a yes, right? Garret tried to force his love on him tried to have sex with him thought Kurt didn't want to.

“I'm... maybe yes. I don't know.”

“Kurt, if he forced you and you were fighting against it... that is attempted rape.”

To accept that or see it the way Blaine saw was hard for Kurt, really hard. Between him and Garret were more than just bad things, there were also a lot of good things and he never, never ever imagined or believed Garret could do such a thing.

“And I wasn't there,” Blaine sobbed and Kurt looked up, seeing the tears, the blame in those golden eyes and how much this thought scared his love more than himself. “I wasn't there and he almost raped you. I wanted to protect you but I didn't listen to my feelings. And now I sit here... and... and you take care of me though... I... I should be the one taking care of you.”

Blaine crying was nothing Kurt didn't see before. But crying like this was new to him. He looked so scared, guilt in his eyes and also the hate for Garret.

“I'm so sorry... oh God what if-”

“Hey, don't,” said Kurt and slung his arms around Blaine's shoulders, keeping him close and pressing a gentle kiss on his lips, his cheek and nuzzling against it while whispering: “It didn't happen. He didn't do it. I didn't let him. I'm okay.”

“I just... I love you, I love you so much that... thinking someone...”

“It didn't happen, Blaine. I'm here now, with you and I'll stay. This time I'll stay and this time we'll be alright. Okay?”

Wiping those tears away he saw Blaine nodding slowly, calming down or forced himself to calm down and smiled when Blaine looked at him, trying to make him smile too. With a little success when Blaine's lips curled into the tiniest smile.

“We'll figure all this out, I promise but now let's just rest, alright?”

“Okay, beautiful.”

He was never scared with Blaine around him, never scared to kiss him or getting kissed. With Blaine he always felt safe and home and that's why it was so easy to kiss him, to hold him despite what Garret did to him. Kurt Hummel was not weak, he was strong, stronger than he probably knew. And with each kiss and touch from Blaine he couldn't help himself but feel better, feel normal again and not like some stranger in his own skin.

Giving Blaine the mug he took care of his eyes and nose and Blaine held the ice pack against his eye a little bit longer before they both went to bed, letting their sore bodies be hold by those beloved arms. But, just to be sure, Kurt whispered against Blaine's lips to remind him, to make it real over and over again.

“I'm here, we are here. I won't go back there ever again.”

“I'm sorry though.”

“Hey,” he whispered, pressing his lips against Blaine's and stroking his cheek with his thumb: “We'll talk tomorrow about everything. Now let's just sleep.”

Blaine nodded and his arms held Kurt tighter, stronger and he nuzzled against Kurt's neck, his favorite spot and mumbled I love yous and Kurt said those in return before they both fell asleep.

 

 


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the late update but like some of you know (who read my other fic Two Coins) I suffer through a writers block and my life is kind of busy right now. I hope the writes block will be over soon and my life a bit more easier. =)

 

Chapter 30. His own reality

 

**8 years ago – New York**

 

Sometimes things happen the way we imagine them. And when it does we are happy about that.

 

Kurt and Blaine experienced exactly that when they moved to New York and started their new life together. They had the apartment they wanted, studied something which made them both happy and had each other. And that they had each other was the best thing for them. They cooked together, went to grocery together, made decisions together, everything. And as two young boys, as a couple deeply in love they had sex, a lot of sex. It was something they both enjoyed and something they needed to do to share and show all the things they felt for the other, which were impossible to put into words.

Beside the bed they also had other rooms and places to exactly do that. Wherever and whenever they felt like because it was their apartment, their place. Back in Ohio they weren't able to do that or at all with Kurt's family in the same house. They weren't allowed to take their time, to truly admire the other and fall into it without reminding themselves to be quiet or too fast. It changed through the weeks and months, first being quiet and fast and then slow and letting each moan, whimper, everything out without being worried to bother someone or get caught.

They found a new level of being comfortable around each other. A level Kurt never imagined could happen. Usually people felt some kind of shame when they saw someone naked, some feeling of that it was something wrong. But when he was naked or saw Blaine naked it became a natural thing. Touching him whatever part was natural, kissing each inch of his body became natural and also being inside him.

Kurt liked both ways him thrusting into Blaine or feeling his boyfriend inside his body a constant give and take of their love for the other. They became this couple everyone wanted to be. A strong, deeply in love couple who was also fighting over silly things but always, always remembering why they were together and how it began.

And then there was the life of a college student and the nights they went out to dance and have fun together and with their friends.

It was a year later when they celebrated their 2 year anniversary between people they didn't know and knew. Here in New York they could kiss whenever they wanted and dance how they wanted and because they were more than comfortable with each other Blaine held Kurt's body close to his so he could feel how hard Blaine already was after countless drinks and dances.

He felt how Blaine's thumbs pressed almost painfully into his hipbones, making sure Kurt wouldn't slip away from him and how his tongue plundered his mouth, taking and giving everything while they kissed. When his boyfriend stopped kissing him because he needed to breath Kurt couldn't stop the smile on his lips, still dancing to the loud music. Blaine smiled back both dizzy from the alcohol and when Kurt took Blaine's hands from his hips his boyfriend knew what it meant. Time to go home. They said goodbye to their friends, left the clubs and took a cab back home while still kissing in the backseat. Sweet, gently, and teasing. Home Blaine giggled when Kurt still kissed his neck while he tried to unlock the door and turned around when he succeeded. The proud smile on his face made Kurt role his eyes before he began to kiss him again.

Clothes found the ground, leaving a path to the couch and soon Kurt was straddling his boyfriend, holding his face to kiss him some more before he slurred, clearly letting the alcohol control his mouth.

“We need to stop doing that at some point.”

“Now?” asked Blaine surprised but letting his hands grab Kurt's naked ass, making him moan.

“Ah.. no. Not now. But when we decide to get married and become Daddies.”

They talked about this before, dreamed about this before so there was no reason to be scared or insecure because they wanted this. To get married, to create their own family and become old together.

“We aren't even twenty years old yet,” groaned Blaine and his finger ran over Kurt's hole, making him shiver and move his hips closer.

“No. That's true and I'm happy about that.”

“Because we can do this whenever we want?” smirked Kurt leaning back to open the drawer under the coffee table and found the almost empty bottle of lube there.

“That too. But I also want to do this when we are husbands,” said Kurt and handed Blaine the bottle who took it, a huge grin on his lips and warmed the lube up between his fingers.

“Are you proposing to me, Hummel?” the amusement in his boyfriends face made him role his eyes but not for long when he felt the slick finger nudging against his hole. Rolling his hips he moaned when the finger finally found its way inside him and leaned closer to Blaine, kissing him before he said: “No. You know I want it to be romantic.”

“You are right,” groaned Blaine when he had to fingers inside him and watched Kurt riding those: “This is anything but romantic. Fuck, Kurt.”

For a while they sad nothing, only moaned and kissed and Kurt wanted more, wanted Blaine inside him. He knew it was better to go to sleep and get sober. But this was nothing that reached his drunken mind.

 

* * *

 

Kurt thought a lot about proposing to Blaine. Really a lot. They were only nineteen, well, almost 20 years old but he was not able to imagine his life without him. The fear they wouldn't come along in their own apartment faded away after some months because they did come along. It was perfect to wake up and have breakfast ready. It was perfect to be the one making breakfast. He loved everything they did, even the smallest things. So there was really no need to be surprised or worried to think about that.

But he wanted to wait until they were done with college and actually working. Thanks to Blaine's parents they had enough money but they promised to only use it when necessary so they both had a job to earn for their grocery – the apartment was the only thing Blaine bought when they moved to New York so they didn't have to worry about the rent.

Really, everything was fine expect NYADA. The first year was amazing and he was almost convinced that this was what he wanted to do. Sing, perform, act, all these things. But he never got a role, never was asked to sing in front of some important people from NYADA and he wondered why. Was he not good enough? Was he too special? Kurt asked himself this after three months of no success at all because he first thought he needed more time.

But it was suspicious and in his next class he asked his teacher what was wrong or if he did something wrong. And she told him the truth. Others were better than him so he began to work harder. And of course Blaine noticed this.

“Baby?” he asked his head peeking through the open door to Kurt's room. Turning around, away from the mirror where he was watching himself dancing he saw the tray in Blaine's hands two cups on it.

“You should take a break. You've been practicing for hours now.”

“Yeah,” sighed Kurt, wiping the sweat from his forehead: “You are right. Sorry.”

Shaking his head no Blaine entered the room and placed the tray on Kurt's desk, taking his sketches of suits and dresses and putting them into the drawer where all his drawings were.

“Thank you,” said Kurt and kissed Blaine's temple.

“You are okay? You seem a bit stressed.”

“It's just... harder, you know? The first year was okay but the second is just exhausting.”

Blaine hummed and took his cup with tea and handed Kurt his own.

“Is it because of Rachel? If she said something, again, I'll tell her to back off.”

This time it was not about Rachel who used to tell Kurt what to do and what not and most of the time it was annoying. And most of the time he complained about her while Blaine made it better. He always made everything better with his calm and happy self. This time, though, it wasn't working like it should.

“It's not Rachel. Don't worry, really. Tell me about your day. We haven't talked at all today.”

He took Blaine's hand and they sat down on the small couch dark red couch. Leaning against Blaine he listened to his voice, to his words.

“It was good, I think. I had a small right with Derek about the art exhibition at our school. I have more space for my paintings and he doesn't. So I went to my teacher and asked if he could get the extra space I have because it would be equal. But then she told me I shouldn't do that. She understood my reason but she also said I can't always give, you know? It's hard to be a painter nowadays.”

“She is right, Blaine. You are so good you deserve everything. All the fame and credit, everything.”

“I don't really care about that,” he said, kissing Kurt's hair and letting his hand rub up and down Kurt's back: “I just want to live from that and give you the most amazing wedding ever.”

His lips curled into a smile and pressed himself closer to Blaine's body. Of course he wanted an amazing wedding. He had been planning his own wedding since he was a child. Now thinking about it as long as Blaine was the one he would marry he was happy enough with whatever wedding.

“I hope you'll find time to visit the exhibition. I really want you to be there.”

“That's not even an option. Of course I'll be there.”

 

Two months later, after Kurt's birthday and Blaine's the exhibition took place and Kurt wasn't there. He apologized to Blaine and made it up on Christmas. But nothing changed. The unhappiness he had been feeling for a while because of his studies was growing bigger and bigger, biting his heart and soul again and again. But Kurt was no one who just gave up. If something didn't work out but he wanted it he began to work harder and harder. Only this time it was frustrating and getting on his mood. No matter how many times he practiced at home his teachers still didn't give him any credit while others were attending shows, acts, events. Everything and he really wondered if this was the thing he wanted to do.

If this was the place he belonged to.

He didn't tell Blaine anything about it because he knew his boyfriend would throw everything away and help Kurt. He would neglect his own studies, the things that made him happy. Kurt didn't want that to happen just because he couldn't enjoy studies like his boyfriend. However, Blaine noticed the change and asked and Kurt waved it off, pretending like it was just hard and not annoying or hurting. Eventually Blaine stopped asking and at some point Blaine's happiness was annoying. Not only his, everyone’s happiness was annoying him and painful to see.

It was like all his friends were running this glorious path where their dreams were and almost reaching their goal. Kurt though felt like he never began to run. More like he started to walk and kept on falling. Now he was on the ground and not sure how to stand up.

 

“Finn and Sam asked if we want to go out for a drink,” said Blaine when he came into the bedroom while Kurt was reading a book.

“I'm not in the mood.”

There was a heavy sigh coming from Blaine and instead of feeling sorry Kurt felt annoyed. It was not even Blaine's fault. It was everything in his life especially NYADA.

“Kurt. You've been like this for weeks now.”

“Like what?” Kurt almost snapped and closed his book.

“Annoyed? Sad? I don't even now what it is.”

“I'm just tired, okay? NYADA is eating my energy and time.”

Sitting down next to Kurt on the bed he reached out for his hand and Kurt let Blaine take it, feeling almost sorry for his behavior. But it was just unfair, so unfair that everyone was happy and enjoying what they were doing.

“Baby, I love you and I really wish I could do something against it.”

“You can't do anything, Blaine. It's just... NYADA.”

Blaine believed it, signaling this with a nod but still looking at Kurt with concern.

“Go, have fun, okay? I'll be fine and go to sleep.”

“You are sure? I-”

But Kurt leaned over, kissing him and Blaine left with a more relaxed expression.

 

* * *

 

Nothing changed. If anything changed then that everything just got worse. NYADA simply sucked, he couldn't sing like he used to, couldn't dance like he wanted to and even his teachers told him that he wasn't getting better and trying to hard. The things he enjoyed began to hurt him, made him sad and he had no idea how to deal with it.

So he took all the frustration with him home and this had a huge impact on everything outside of NYADA. An impact on so much that he lost all the control over his life.

“Why is it so hard to put your dirty clothes into the hamper?” hissed Kurt as he walked into their bedroom where Blaine was changing into his pajamas.

“I was just about to do that,” said Blaine with a confused sound in his voice while Kurt picked the dirty clothes up and threw them into the hamper.

“You always say that and then it's me who picks your stuff up.”

He turned around, facing his boyfriend and usually his questioning eyes made him question things too. Not this time though.

“Calm down, okay?”

But Kurt didn't calm down. Not even after weeks. He got upset about the smallest things, complained and sometimes became loud while Blaine remained the to be the quiet one probably to confused and unsure what to do or say. And Kurt wanted Blaine to see it. He wanted Blaine to notice everything that had been happening. How unhappy he was with NYADA, how much he suffered because he was not even close to where he wanted to be. He hoped his boyfriend, his soul mate would see it and help him.

Because asking for help, even Blaine, this was something Kurt couldn't do. They all came closer to their goal on their own. They all could use their talent and live their dream. They all got some kind of credit for what they were good at and he was too stubborn and hurt to admit, he didn't have that. Not even a bit.

 

“I'm sleeping in the living room,” said Blaine when he entered their bedroom, Kurt already lying in their bed. Kurt watched him taking his pillow and a blanket. Instead of being worried he just shrugged and watched Blaine go but as soon as he wanted to sleep, without the beloved body next to him but instead a cold empty place he began to cry. About the reason why he was crying? Kurt wasn't sure himself. Maybe it was NYADA, maybe it was his life in general. Or maybe it was about what his and Blaine's relationship became.

Instead of being lovely and in love around each other, instead of talking about the future and a wedding they were fighting over nothing and ignoring each other. Blaine sometimes too carefree with his success and his studies and Kurt feeling happy for him but also ignored.

Why couldn't Blaine see it? Why was his boyfriend not aware of what was wrong?

He couldn't say it, there was no way he would admit his failure and maybe lose Blaine because he wasn't good enough. Another fear he had to deal with. Another reason why he wasn't saying anything. It felt wrong, everything just felt wrong and he desperately tried to find a way out.

 

It was March when he thought about leaving NYADA, when he considered to do something else. A new start, a fresh beginning just him and no one else. He also thought about that, maybe, he and Blaine weren't meant for each other. Maybe they only had to meet to get here, to survive the time when they were fighting against everyone and hurting themselves. He wondered if this was the reason why they met at all and fell in love.

But he didn't question if they loved each other. Because they did, deeply, honestly and imagining a life without Blaine was even more scary then anything else. Only, what was worse? Living with someone who couldn't see what you are going through and fight for the rest of their life while, sometimes, having some lovely moments? Or just draw a straight line and break up? Maybe this was what they both needed, or what Kurt needed. Because Blaine was doing fine, excellent. His boyfriend the shining student with all this work and with so much credit. Someone to be proud of, someone who everyone wanted to call their friend or anything else.

He felt alone, left alone and misunderstood. He never felt that way around Blaine and it hurt, it really hurt him. So he had no option as to keep his walls up which cost a lot of strength and Kurt really needed his strength for something else.

The door went open and Blaine walked inside, their eyes meeting for a second before he turned around and closed the door.

“Hey,” he said but didn't look at Kurt when he made his way to the bathroom.

No, he couldn't do that anymore. He needed something new, more space, more space to breath and think and Blaine, with all is success was taking the space he needed away. He wanted to tell Blaine about this, wanted to discuss it. But all his good intentions flew out of the window when Blaine said: “Stopped being moody?”

“No? And if you have a problem with that you can leave or I can do that.”

Kurt knew he wasn't thinking straight. His mind was working but not in a way he wanted it.

“Kurt, I have no idea what is wrong but you've been like this for months and I really want to know what is wrong.”

They stared at each other, silence between them while Kurt understood something. Blaine didn't understand, he was blind, just like anybody else was. He used to read him, used to know whatever was wrong and he didn't anymore. He stopped doing it and Kurt kept this thought close to him. The only reason why he couldn't do this anymore and better left.

“Maybe it's my business and not yours,” said Kurt and stood up, walking to their bedroom to change and leave their apartment. Of course his boyfriend didn't let him. Not this time.

“We are a couple, Kurt. Of course it's my business too. I want you to be happy and not like... like this.”

“Like what, Blaine?” he snapped as he opened his closet: “Because I didn't notice you doing anything for me. In fact, you are running away from me like you don't care. Sleeping on the couch for God's sake.”

“No. You are not going to blame me, Kurt. You are acting like... like the person you once were. Stubborn, rude and like no one wants to help you.”

Kurt shook his head, pulling a shirt on and leaving the bedroom. Fighting was really the last thing he wanted right now. He needed air, space to breath and with Blaine around him he couldn't do that.

“Where are you going? Don't run away now!” Blaine followed him as Kurt pulled his shoes on and took his jacket.

“I need time to think.”

That was all he said before he left their apartment. Only when he was outside, breathing the air and had the space he wanted he realized how much this actually hurt. How much everything hurt. Being with Blaine hurt, NYADA hurt, everything and the warm tears crawling down his cheek were an alarming signal. He needed to do something.

 

* * *

 

Turning his phone off he stayed at Finn's place for a whole week. It was not the best situation because Finn was such a boy but when Kurt told him that he and Blaine had a hard time and he needed some distance Finn, of course, let his brother stay. He also kept his promise to not tell anyone about this or where Kurt was.

But it was not easy. It became even more painful with each passing day to stay away from Blaine. His boyfriend who never left his side in the past three years. Who loved him for 3 years and made him happy. Now everything just felt broken, cold and dark and became a place he knew he couldn't go back to. It felt like he lost himself all over again and though Blaine helped him the last time this happened Kurt knew, this time, this wouldn't work out. This time everything was different and he needed to just be himself. He needed to be alone and start a new life, again. This realization came after days of doing nothing but being a victim to his own mind and endless nights with a damp pillow and red eyes.

After a week he went back to their apartment, convinced that Blaine was at school anyway and began to pack his stuff, two suitcases. The rest though, he would deal with that later. Packed and ready, trying to avoid all the memories, trying to avoid to stare for longer than necessary into their bedroom or any other room he went to the hallway, reaching for the door as it went open and Blaine stood there.

Eyes met, both tired, both sad but widening when they realized who it was standing there.

“Kurt... what?” said Blaine and noticed the two suitcases next to Kurt who only shrugged, keeping his walls up and saying.

“I'm moving out.”

Blaine closed the door, shaking his head no slowly and clenched his fist.

“Kurt... we can talk about this. We can figure-”

“No. We can't. I can't do this anymore.”

“But... why? What happened? You know whatever it is that you can-”

“No, Blaine. I can't. I'm done with this life, with all of this. It's not... not what I want. Not anymore.”

Each word, Blaine's face and fast breathing like he tried to suppress a panic attack made everything just worse. His heart was bleeding, screaming and letting the pain run through his veins, through his whole body. This, was never something he wanted to happen or thought could ever happen. A break up between them.

“You are running away, Kurt. I don't know from what but you do it.”

And Blaine's judgment didn't make him sad or even more sorry. It made him angry. The feeling of being misunderstood came back and never, not in a million years did he imagine Blaine to be one of those people. The person he loved, the person who knew him better than anyone became a stranger for him. Or so Kurt thought to make all of this easier.

“Well, there it is. You know nothing Blaine. All you care about is you. In the last months when I was miserable you only cared about yourself and left me alone.”

“That's bullshit, Kurt. I care about you more than about anything else.”

“That, is bullshit. If you do care about me then why didn't you try harder? Obviously I'm to much work or not worth it, right?”

It felt wrong, so wrong to say all of these things because they were a lie. Of course they were a lie but Kurt didn't realized that then. All he needed and wanted was a quick way out of this apartment and find himself, find his sanity and what he wanted to do. Because NYADA was not the place he belonged to.

“Can you... just stop. Okay? Stop that.”

“Stop what?” Kurt snapped, eyebrows coming closer and eyes turning small.

“Stop being so complicated! God, you are seriously turning into this child you once were.”

“Child, huh? So you think I'm a child?”

Blaine huffed, rubbed his forehead, clearly conflicted with everything that happened right now.

“Yes, I do think that. You've been acting like the person you once were. The person we both promised not to be anymore and never become again. But now you just... act like I did something horrible to you while I have no idea what I did. All I did and do, Kurt, is loving you.”

There was desperation in Blaine's voice, raw and clear but Kurt kept his walls up. He kept himself safe in this shell he used to build around him.

“ _You_ did, yes. But you stopped Blaine.”

“Are you crazy?! Do you even hear yourself? I've never stopped loving you. Never!” Blaine began to yell.

There was more. More stuff they blamed the other for, more things that weren't true but Kurt held them close, needed them to be truth to get out of here. To make Blaine see that this made no sense otherwise he would fight for Kurt. But, like always, Blaine didn't gave up that easily and out of desperation he used his thoughts. Thoughts that he made up to keep himself safe because he had his pride.

“You just.. You are basically looking for a fight with me! Whenever I try to talk to you and figure out what is wrong you just snap right back! You make me feel like I did a crime. Like I murdered someone the way you treat me! And this, Kurt, is immature. You used to be such an adult and now you are just... I don't even know who you are anymore!”

“ _You_ aren't any better, Blaine! You do the same, making me feel like I'm just some trophy you care around to fulfill the perfect image. Success outside and inside home, right?”

“What the fuck!? Kurt, stop... just... You used to be this warm person I fell in love with and now you are just cold, almost heartless.”

Kurt laughed, not even knowing where it came from and said something he never thought would leave his mouth: “You must know it. Your parents gave you the best example for how to be cold and heartless, right?”

Silence. Thick, heavy silence filled the room and Blaine just stared at Kurt, mouth open and processing what he said. What he meant. And when Kurt understood what he actually said, what it truly meant he felt sorry. Terribly sorry.

“Fuck you, Kurt. Really, that... go. Just go!”

And Kurt left.

 

 


	31. A New Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to get this out though I wanted to ignore the comments that had been left on two of my fics:
> 
> It’s called fanfiction and AU for a reason. It doesn’t mean I have to stick to the character from the series. The amazing thing about fanfictions AND AUs IS that we can re-write characters and see them in different roles. We can read about our favorite characters and imagine them in different roles, in a different lives, in different times and different places.
> 
> It’s a freedom we can enjoy and let our fantasy, our artistic side give some life through words. IDK how people start to judge others (or me) for changing a character when it’s an AU. Seriously, that’s THE most amazing thing about writing fics. If u don’t like a genre or whatever version of a character a writer uses don’t read it. We spend our free time to entertain other people and also do something we love to do. You can leave constructive critic, of course you can, but don't start to judge a fic or a person when you have no idea who the person is AND how the fic ends. I want this to be a happy place, to give people something to enjoy, something they can only feel through words. If you don't like Badboy!Blaine or innocent!Kurt or whatever version of these characters or other characters just leave this fic and the writers alone. You do nothing but hurt people instead of making people happy and help them with some constructive critic.
> 
> And now I hope those people who enjoy this fic are going to enjoy this new chapter.

 

 

Chapter 31. A new life

 

**7 years ago – New York**

 

 

Kurt felt empty, really empty. It was an emptiness he never experienced before. And though he needed the space to breath it felt almost like too much space. Far too much. The first month he was living with Finn and gathering his things there. To know Blaine's schedule was a good thing so he could go to their old apartment and get his stuff out of there. He gathered all his things in Finn's guest room while searching for new place to live. Still in New York but far away from Blaine. Or maybe he could go to Chicago and study there something?

Of course it was not New York but it was a new place, untouched without any memories. But New York had been his dream like NYADA was. And if he understood one thing in the past month without Blaine and looking for a new place to live that, that dreams simply change. He didn't quit NYADA because he thought he was not good enough. He didn't stop doing what he enjoyed because it was too hard. All the rejections, all the moments when he thought that this was his time to shine only told him one thing.

Maybe this was just an experience he needed to make to realize that this was not his path to walk. That there was something else, something better waiting for him. Something he could be proud of and fight for. Because Kurt was not weak and always fought for the things he wanted. Always, whenever he thought it was worth it he fought for it.

And Blaine was worth it too, their love was, everything between them but sometimes, even when it was clear that he would never stop loving Blaine, never stop thinking about it... sometimes those things kept someone away from their dreams. But he was still too young to understand that and kept the thought close to him that it was Blaine's fault if he couldn't read him and see what he was going through. It was easier to keep this, his own reality close, so he could move on. Without Blaine.

 

A month later he finally had his own apartment. Far away from his friends and especially from Blaine. He spent days to decorate the apartment, give them a touch of only himself and when he was done there was this emptiness again. The one he still didn't understand and didn't know how to handle. His bed was too big for him to fit in, the one side to cold to bear it.

Yes, of course, he missed Blaine terribly but he couldn't run back and be with him and hope he would help him. His whole world had been about them, them and their dreams and while one knew what he wanted to do Kurt didn't have that. Which was worse for him than not having Blaine around. He needed something for himself. He needed himself, strength to help himself and know what he wanted to do. The days without Blaine made it pretty clear to him.

He wanted Blaine, yes, he even needed Blaine so when he was insane Blaine could keep him sane and vise versa. But Blaine was able to do something Kurt didn't. Blaine never had real friends and he never had a real family. It was always Blaine alone and he never forgot that he could do and decide things alone. So it wasn't really surprising that Blaine found his place.

Kurt on the other side had friends who he rejected. A loving dad who only wanted the best for his son. He always had someone right behind him and if he was insecure someone could give him a hint and help him. It was not the same what Blaine went through but many of Kurt's decisions were made because he thought were good for him. And while succeeding at most of the things NYADA, perhaps, was not the place he truly belonged to.

 

He spent a week to figure out what to do, read countless of suggestions what would be the right thing for him to study. But sitting at home and only doing that was dangerous for his mind. It was easy to get distracted when he saw his things, some old things still connected to his ex-boyfriend. So he left his apartment and went to Vogue. His bag was filled with sketches, photos of clothes he made and once wore. All his passion for fashion was inside there and though he was not sure if this was the right thing to do he really, really couldn't sit in his own for walls.

Hair perfect, outfit perfect he stared at his own relflection in the mirror of the elevator and smiled. Yes, he liked that look on him. He liked how his eyes weren't red and watery, how his skin was soft and flawless instead of read and rough from all the crying. He really liked that outside he looked okay while inside he still had his own fight. His fight alone and he would deal with that alone.

Reaching the floor he left the elevator and found the office they said he should go to. Isabelle Wright.

He had no idea what kind of person she was but he knew fashion could be hard business and he didn't want it easy. Not at all. He wanted to fight for it and earn it. He wanted them to see his talent, give him credit because, yes, Kurt was sure he had a sense for fashion and was good at it. Yes, it was his idea of fashion but something the world needed to see.

Knocking against the door he heard the clear and soft voice from a woman telling him to come inside. Opening the door he found her sitting behind a white desk, around her papers, sketches and a several Starbucks cups. Yet she looked beautiful, fresh and when they made eye contact he immediately felt welcomed.

“Hello miss Wright. I'm Kurt Hummel,” said Kurt and walked toward her, right hand outstretched.

Her smile became even warmer, her hand felt soft and warm and her voice honest and calming: “Hello Kurt.”

It really felt like he belonged here. When he attended NYADA it didn't feel like that, not at all. He felt proud and happy, yes, but this was different. Better.

“So, they told me you want to work here?”

“Actually yes, but I also think about studying fashion design. Any kind. May it be creating costumes or anything else.”

“You want to study? So you aren't at college yet?” she asked, sitting down and gesturing Kurt to do the same. He took the free spot across from her and shook his head slowly.

“I am a college student but I'm not sure if NYADA is the right choice for me.”

Nodding she waved her hand for Kurt to go on.

“I really like to perform and sing. Back in high school I was in a Glee club. But it's different from actually studying it. I... I thought it was the right thing for me but it doesn't make me happy anymore. It feels like...” he tried to find the right words to express what he was feeling.

“It feels like you are wasting your time, hm?”

Their eyes met, her shining with so much experience, so old but yet so clear and Kurt breathed a simple yes.

“This is normal, Kurt. Don't stress yourself over this. You've tried it and without trying you'll never know where you want to go and where not.”

It was crazy but he already loved this woman. Though he still wasn't sure what this meant it felt right what she said, for him.

“So, you want to try fashion design?”

“Yes!” he said opening his bag and handing her the map with all his sketches and photos: “These are mine. I did all of them for fun but I never really considered fashion to be my life goal.”

While listening to him she flipped through the pages, eying each drawing, each photo and he watched her face closely, wanting to read what she was thinking.

“And now you are sure of it?” asked Isabelle without taking her eyes off.

“No. I still feel like a fish without water but... this feels good, you know? NYADA didn't feel good at the end.”

“Well, your have every right to feel good about that because these,” she spoke, pointing at a photo of Kurt and looked up: “Are really amazing. Really. I'm almost jealous.”

And Kurt almost blushed, wanting to wave it off but didn't. No, he knew he was good at that, he knew he was talented. No one could convince him otherwise.

“I mean it, Kurt. These are amazing and if I could I would hire you as a full time fashion designer.”

His mouth hung slightly open. Someone wanted him, his talent. Someone saw his talent and didn't question him about his sexuality, his voice or anything. Isabelle just saw his talent and he trusted her. Of course he did, she was the chef of Vogue and knew what she was talking about.

“Sadly, I can't. But I really, really think that studying this is the right thing for you.”

She began to talk about colors, about how his combination of several layers and some extras like a scarf or hat looked perfect together, like it was meant to be. And Kurt swallowed each word, each advice and really, for the first time in weeks he felt like he found a place he could stay at. Work at.

 

With a phone call to the college where he could study that and with Isabelle insisting them to give him a place he simply got in. But it was not only Isabelle who made it possible it was mainly his own work that made it possible. Kurt made it possible and he almost forgot how good it felt. How good it felt to have some success.

 

* * *

Two weeks later when everything was done, a job at Vogue and a place to study what he loved he was lying in his bed and still trying to realize that this was real. This was happening, his talent making his new dream come true. Like a child he made those happy kicky feet, giggled into his hands and turned to the other side of the bed, the spot Blaine usually occupied.

If they still were together, still living together, sharing the same bed together Kurt knew Blaine would smile right back at him, tell him how proud and happy he was for him. In any other situation he would have snuggled closer to the beloved body, kiss him and share all the things he was feeling. In any other situation he wouldn't have missed Blaine so much like he did at that moment.

It was this aching emptiness inside of him that missed his other half. Missed that someone was happy with him, for him. He just missed him so much but knew it was not the right time to go back. And maybe the right time would never come but Kurt wanted to be strong for himself. He wanted to do this alone, focus on himself and find out who he was. He wanted that and needed that more than Blaine. But this couldn't stop the pain inside his soul. His soul that was missing his other half. Blaine was and would ever be the love of his life.

 

The next day Kurt called his father, telling him about everything and knew that his dad wasn't happy about it – because he really liked Blaine – but also understood his son and never stopped him from making experiences. He also called his friends, telling them about his new plans, about the break up – some of them already knew – and asked them to not tell Blaine where he was or what he was doing. He needed this distance, needed to disconnect from him with the hope, that, one day he would be able to go back to him and be someone, change that he was able to be proud of himself, love himself.

He changed his number, changed his life, changed everything. But his love never changed.

 

Three years later he graduated from college with one of the best diploma. He celebrated that night with Isabelle and the rest of Vogue, the people he considered his second home for three years now. It was not like he didn't want to celebrate with his old friends but he really couldn't spend as much time with them as he should. Thought he was happy, though he found himself and wasn't afraid to admit that he got a talent Kurt still felt this empty place inside his heart. Through the years it became easier and easier to ignore it, to push the memories of soft curls and hazel eyes away but this empty place never faded away. Like the one for his mother.

But work was amazing, work was fulfilling his life and challenging him. So instead of becoming a full time designer he asked Isabelle to become her assistant to learn more, make more experiences before he wanted to take the next big step.

And then there was Garret who he knew briefly for two years through College and later he met him at Vogue, working as a designer. After Blaine he met guys, sometimes he slept with guys but it was never the same feeling, never what he needed or missed. But he was young, he was free and he was okay with anything but dating. Dating was not an option for him. Probably because he only wanted to date one person in the whole world.

But Kurt only focused on his work, the thing he really loved, really enjoyed and saw how good he was at. Yes, he did enjoy this far more than NYADA.

 

“These are pretty amazing,” said Garret one day when everyone at Vogue had their lunch break and Kurt instead of eating was drawing a new dress he had in his mind. Looking up his eyes found the warm smile on Garret's lips and it reminded him of a smile he had not seen in the past four years. It was not the same, not even close but there was something about the way he smiled.

“Thank you.”

“Do you take advices or?”

His blue eyes looked back to his drawing and then back up to Garret who was, if he had been something at all, at least a friend.

“Sure, why not.”

Garret hummed and leaned closer, so close that Kurt could smell his cologne. It was not the one he missed so terribly and it was not the one he expected. It was different one but still a good one.

“I think you should make the shorter, you know? The end of the dress.”

Kurt nodded slowly, re-drawing the part and after some seconds of staring at it he nodded again, smiling.

“It does look better. It looks much more lighter than before. Thank you,” smiled Kurt sweetly, not even noticing how he smiled. But Garret did and leaned against the table.

“Isabelle told me you want to become a designer.”

“That's true. But I thought some more practice would be a good idea. Isabelle is amazing and I want to learn more before I take more responsibilities.”

“Wise words,” smiled Garret: “If you want we can meet after work and talk about your drawings?”

Eyebrows raised up and mouth hanging open he needed a moment to really understand Garret's words and then he looked down. This sounded like a date and Kurt never said yes to a date. He met guys at bars, clubs by chance and sometimes it became more and sometimes not. But he never had a boyfriend or met those people twice.

“I'm kind of busy after work,” which meant staying at home and do his job or go to a bar and have a drink. Always doing something so his memories wouldn't even touch the surface. Dating though was not a distraction for him.

 

But Garret didn't give up. During their break they talked more and more, mainly about work or clothes in general, also their college was a topic they could share and laugh about. Kurt created this habit to keep people away from him so that they weren't really friends but people he could talk with while he studied. Not that he didn't want to meet new people it was more about that he had not been ready to open up and talk about himself. His main focus was to finish college and work as a designer. And he had friends, his old friends which were the only connection to Blaine. Well, a connection he never used and never wanted to use. Knowing that Blaine was okay was everything he needed to know.

Garret, though, Garret was something else. It felt... good that someone was making him compliments. That someone was helping him and understanding this business. It was good to know that Blaine was not the only guy attracted to him. There were more, of course, but no one was like Garret. Kurt liked the life Garret was living because it had been something new. A life with luxury, with fancy furniture, with an apartment he knew he could never pay the rent for. It had been something else and also the presents Garret made him were flattering.

Not that Blaine never did this but his ex knew that Kurt never wanted much. Having Blaine was everything he ever wanted and the little gifts Blaine made for him or Kurt for Blaine were always special. Sometimes random but mainly special. Garret just gave Kurt whatever he said he liked and though he said 'no thank you' to most of the gifts he couldn't stop the feeling growing inside him.

There was no need to deny it and it would be a lie if he said that he didn't enjoy this.

 

After some months he said yes to a date with Garret and on his 25th birthday they became a couple. It had nothing to do with the gifts or with Garret's lifestyle. It was more about that Kurt wanted to move on, needed to move on and make new experiences. And the blond guy, older than him, smart and a very talented designer made him feel good.

Being intimate with Garret however, that was weird for Kurt. It was weird to kiss someone he liked, weird to sleep with someone he liked and the scariest thing was to fall in love with Garret. Everything he felt was weird and soon he figured out it was not weird it was just different. Not better, not worse but different. A different life, a different love and he really, really enjoyed it.

 

But this empty feeling, this empty place inside his heart and soul never disappeared.

 

Together with Garret he left New York when they were together for a year. Kurt became his assistant and they moved to Chicago for almost a year. When he and Blaine broke up he always thought this would have been a good idea. To move somewhere, to a place that was not New York and not connected to Blaine and breath. It vindicated. Chicago made him feel better, stronger and then he learned so much from all the different designers he met on several events and after parties.

Beside all of the good things he learned also other things, sides about Garret.

While treating Kurt like a prince he could be a scary person around people who weren't Kurt. Garret knew how to talk to them, look at them and sometimes he did this... this thing with his voice and knew things Kurt wished he didn't know. To sum it up, Garret could play dirty and when Kurt asked him about that he said it was the way his father had raised him. His boyfriend also mentioned the little detail that it was part of the business. Well, Kurt never wanted to do this.

 

It was also not like Garret forced someone to do something. He was just good with words, even manipulating people and as long as he didn't do this to Kurt himself he thought, maybe, with time he could get his boyfriend to stop doing this. He was good enough, incredible talented he didn't need to make deals on a... wrong way.

However, when he figured out this side of his boyfriend he couldn't stop but think about Blaine. His ex who once had been such a bad guy, who hurt himself and others over years and then came out from the shell he had been living in and showed just what a beautiful, lovely, and loveable person he was. Blaine Anderson was still the love of his life and the person who always wanted to do the right thing and help people. And also the person who loved Kurt without condition.

Garret did the same thing but in a different way and Kurt wondered if he could be together with him if he kept on doing that.

But then, it was like Garret read his mind he stopped doing that and when their job was done in Chicago and both ready to move back to New York Garret surprised Kurt with a trip – work also a part of it – to Paris. Paris, the city of love, the city of fashion. Kurt got excited and when Garret proposed in the most romantic way possible it felt wrong. Wrong seeing him kneeling in front of Kurt, on the Eiffel Tower and Paris under them. It was wrong because he never imagined someone else proposing to him who was not Blaine. It was wrong because this would have been a thing Blaine would have done.

Blaine who had not been a part of his life for seven years then. Who became a memory and the constant person his whole being was missing. Seven years were a very long time and he was almost sure that it was over for good. Blaine wanted a family, wanted to become a dad – a better dad than his father had been. Blaine wanted the family he never had and Kurt left him, they both left each other and he was almost sure that Blaine didn't 'waste' seven years of waiting.

And Garret...

Garret was here, real, a part of his life and someone he loved. All the mistakes, all the things he didn't like, Kurt convinced himself that they would get over this, solve things out and be happier than before. He found excuse after excuse inside his mind and said yes.

 

And then he met Blaine again and deep inside he felt a cold and painful regret that he ever had said yes to Garret.

 

 

 

 


	32. A new life 2

 

Chapter 32. A new life 2

 

**7 Years ago – New York**

 

When Kurt closed to door it felt like he closed just more than that. It felt like he closed the door Blaine once opened to his heart. Like he closed the door to everything they were. Blaine never experienced a break up but this pretty much felt like one. A break up that was tugging at his heart and Blaine was fighting against it. Against the unknown power which tried to break his heart. All his strength was focused on that so he didn't run after Kurt, he didn't open the door.

 

Blaine knew Kurt, which was probably the reason why he didn't call him. Kurt usually needed space to think, space to breath and calm down and Blaine wanted to give him that. Maybe after some days or weeks Kurt would come back or call him and they would figure this out. Whatever it was because Blaine seriously had no idea what had happened.

Yes, they weren't really okay for a while now but he thought it had something to do with NYADA eating Kurt's time. Still they found a way back to each other until they were just fighting. Fighting like never before and saying things he was sure they didn't mean to say. But it still hurt and not only was it Kurt who needed time and space to think but also Blaine.

 

He avoided the topic Kurt as good as he could deciding that it was their business and not their friends. All couples had fights, a hard time and sometimes they needed to be alone. He was searching for reasons, excuses and told himself it wouldn't me like this forever.

But when he came home and found the key, Kurt's key and that his stuff was gone Blaine understood the truth. Painful, clear and tugging at his heart stronger and stronger. The painful truth that they were done, they were over. The Kurt and Blaine stopped existing and he had no idea why or how. Yes, he noticed Kurt's moods, noticed that NYADA was eating his time but if something really bad had happened, if something was bothering Kurt then he would have told him about it, right? But Blaine wasn't so sure about it and this broke him even more.

 

He counted the days, weeks and soon months, all of them without a call from Kurt or mail or anything at all. Nothing but his heart breaking more and more. After school he usually lay in his bed, staring at his phone and at Kurt's name scared if he should call him, if it was even a good idea to call him. Or, worse, what if he called him and found out that this number didn't exist anymore? Would Kurt do that? Really draw this straight line, making it even more real for the both of them?

If yes Blaine was sure that it had to be something he did. Something he said, something he did, something he didn't notice. Maybe his love for Kurt was not the one he wanted anymore. Maybe Kurt stopped loving him?

 

This thought made him stop breathing. This thought made him numb. This thought broke him and all his body wanted to do was cry and cry.

 

* * *

 

Blaine graduated from College and became a painter. It had been a year without Kurt and without anyone around him. All he could focus on was college, making himself a name and get enough customers so he could pay for food. Luckily he bought their apartment and didn't have to pay any rent for it. There was still more than enough money left – the money his parents had left – but he still kept it safe and untouched. Far away from him. To be honest, the money was his last hope. A foolish hope that maybe, one day, he could use the money to plan his own family. Just like he and Kurt wanted it.

Keeping the money safe was the only good decision he had made in the past year without Kurt. Between College and finals and work he did only one thing. Drinking alcohol. He drank it on his day off, drank it when he couldn't bear his thoughts anymore. Blaine made sure to never have a hangover around the people he was working with or his friends. At least he thought he could fool them.

When the first Christmas without Kurt came he totally lost himself in this blurry world of alcohol and consciousness or unconsciousness. He never wanted to become such a person but handling his broken heart was too hard, too much. It was the first Christmas when he did nothing but stay in bed until someone was knocking against his door. Knocking so hard that he felt all the hope rising again and stumbled to the door.

But it was not the person he hoped for. It was someone else. Someone he never considered as a friend but someone who he still wanted to punch. Yeah, his old self was scratching at his heart, pleading to be free again so the pain would just go away.

It was Santana with a plastic bag in her hand – obviously some Thai food – and an angry expression on her face.

“I bought us food,” she said and walked inside the mess which was Blaine's apartment.

“Ew, Anderson. You should clean up.”

“What the fuck do you want? And why did you buy us food?”

He didn't care if he sounded nice or not. He wanted to be alone, all alone and just forget everything.

“Please,” she huffed and shoved some clothes aside and the table clean to place the bag on it: “I know what you are doing and I won't watch you ruin yourself again.”

Blaine almost laughed, feeling his head beginning to pound because of his hangover.

“Since when do you care about me?”

“Since you decided to become Kurt's boyfriend.”

His breathing stopped when he heard the name he never dared to say out loud. The name he tried to avoid anywhere, anytime, even inside his own head. The name he still considered with love. How could she? Everyone avoided the topic and everyone knew how much it hurt Blaine to talk about this. He wanted to scream, throw her out of his apartment but the tears, which were stinging behind his eyes kept him from doing that.

“Look, I know you love him and I know how it feels to lose everything. That's why I came here.”

Blaine collected himself wanting to stay strong, wanting to show that it didn't do anything to him. So he rolled his eyes and this time he laughed, short and with a trembling voice.

“Please. All you care about is yourself and ruin my life. We've never been friends and we never came along so why would you start doing this now? Huh? Because you understand the meaning of sympathy?”

She unpacked the bags, leaving the boxes and the table and went to the kitchen and Blaine heard her making this disgusted sound again.

“Really, Blaine? Did you make sure that there are no rats running around your apartment?”

“Stop that,” he said and joined her in the kitchen, finally finding the strength to throw her out. He pushed her gently out of the kitchen but Santana had none of it.

“Stop what? Talking about Kurt?”

“Just stop,” said Blaine, voice strain and trying to keep his composure. It hurt, everything hurt even more when he heard the name being said. Instead of being sad and crawling back under the covers of his bed he felt the anger growing, the frustration controlling his mind and somewhere, hidden between all that, a deep aching sadness which was waiting to finally come out.

“He is just your ex, right? So I don't get the big deal,” said Santana and that was it. Blaine couldn't stop the words which left his mouth.

“But it is a big deal! It's been a year! A year without him and not knowing what he is doing or where he is! And I don't know what to do to forget! Because he... he just-” Blaine swallowed, tried to stop the tears but they wouldn't listen. They slipped out, down his cheeks and he didn't care. Didn't care if Santana saw it or how much his head hurt even more.

“I love him and he just... left. He left and I don't know what I did wrong. But I love him, I just did that and... it's not enough. It hadn't been enough to keep him here and now I just want to forget but I can't... I just can't.”

The tears, the deep hurt and sadness controlled his whole being and he didn't even fight Santana who came closer and wrapped her arms tightly around his trembling body. The last time someone hugged him was a more than a year ago. It was Kurt who had hugged him and told him things would be fine, they would be fine. Everything was Kurt. His past, present and his future would also be Kurt. Maybe in person, maybe just a memory but Blaine knew he would always be with him. And that made things even worse.

 

* * *

 

He cried until he couldn't cry anymore and Santana just stayed at his place and made sure he wouldn't do anything stupid. And told him about her grandmother and how this broke her, how she had to deal with her sexuality and how her heart had been broken too. She spoke in a way Blaine never heard her talking and saw a Santana he had no idea existed.

A Santana who really understood him and went through similar troubles like he did. From that day on they became friends and he also stopped his mindless drinking. Well, Santana made sure to keep an eye on him.

 

It still felt like he was waiting and just doing what he had to do. But with Santana at his side he really found some kind of happiness again. The one he lost after Kurt left because without him it was hard to find an inspiration, something that kept him motivated. He just needed to Kurt's blue eyes or hear his voice or just feel him close and his mind exploded with ideas, colors, strength flooding his body to create something beautiful.

He needed something new, a new thing or person or whatever to find that again. So he slowly, very slowly let those memories have their own place. A place in his mind he kept away form anyone, even from himself. But before he did that Blaine needed some kind of closure. So he called Burt because Kurt was out of his reach.

“Hello, Burt,” said Blaine into the speaker as he was sitting on the bench at the window, Kurt's favorite place.

“Blaine? Hey, how are you?”

Burt Hummel knew when he lied. Burt Hummel was the only father figure he ever had. The only adult who cared about him though he knew Blaine had been trouble. So there was no way he wanted or could even lie about how he was doing.

“Terrible,” he whispered and felt his bottom lip shiver, felt how the tears came back.

“Of course. Breaking up is pretty stupid, you know?”

Blaine nodded and reminded himself that the older couldn't see him.

“It is... it really is. But I... I don't know how to reach him and I don't know if it's a good idea to even try.”

“It's not. No. You know Kurt. He need some space for himself but I can assure you that he is doing good.”

This was the only thing he needed to know and the only thing he ever heard from Kurt. The last year and three months without knowing anything and this made him the happiest he could be. His love was doing okay, he was alive and when Burt said that he just believed.

“That's good.”  
“It is though. But I'm still mad at you two for being so stupid.”

Blaine giggled while the tears were falling and leaned his forehead against the cold glass.

“I don't even understand what happened but if that's what he wants then... I have to accept it.”

Burt let out a long, heavy sigh.

“Breaking up is always hard. Breaking up is terrible. But... I know you two love each other. Maybe now is not the right time, you know?”

“Not the right time?”

“Yes. Maybe you two need some time alone. You two met at a time that was confusing and hard for you two and then helped each other. But now, maybe you need time to figure whatever out while you are strong and focused on the things you two love to do. You understand?”

Blaine thought about those words, hoping his young mind was able to understand what Burt tried to say. It was true that they met when their life had been a mess, pure chaos and somehow, together they found a way out and fell in love. So, what if breaking up was just necessary? What if breaking up meant to get back together at some point and have and even more amazing future? Or maybe not at all but Blaine liked to believe in that.

“You think we'll get back together?”

“I hope, Blaine. I can't say you two will but I believe everything will work out. It just... it needs time. Maybe weeks, maybe years but I want you to live, okay? Go out, do what you love to do and then everything will be okay.”

 

And Blaine did that. He focused on his work and found a new inspiration. Hope.

* * *

 

“What do you think?” asked Santana as they walked into an old bar which looked anything but good. There was dust and dirt everywhere and so much broken Blaine could already hear the coins and dollars she needed. And the smell. It didn't even smell like a bar.

“I think cleaning and fixing everything here will ruin you.”

“Nah, come on, Blainers,” sad Santana and shoved the old chairs aside and walked to the small stage which was covered in shattered glass. Also that wasn't safe from her feet and she kicked everything out of her way.

“We'll clean up this place and renovate it. It will be amazing!”

“We?” asked Blaine as he took a look behind the bar but decided better not to.

“Yes, we. I want this to become bar for musicians. Music and drinking belong together.”

“So you're talking about a Karaoke Bar?” he asked and joined her on the stage, still eying the mess.

“That too, yes. But I want live music. I want people to play here who just play for fun and people who will listen. I want us all to have a place to meet from time to time.”

His eyes were focused on her face and saw the happy smile on her lips. A smile that told him how she was thinking about all the old memories. Memories that probably made her happy.

“You mean like... in Glee club?”

“Yeah,” she said and it was hard to tell if she blushed or not but he could tell she tried to look strong and cold: “Well, most of the time I hated the people there and Schue has a terrible taste in music.” Dramatically, if someone had to describe her eyes and voice Blaine would have said dramatically. However, he knew Santana well enough to tell that this was just the surface she wanted people to see.

“But it was also the only place I could be myself.”

There was no need for more words and it was also not Santana's strength to tell how she felt. Blaine understood that because it was the same for him since Kurt had left. Before that, well, it was pretty clear for him what he felt. It was just so much he felt.

 

Together they cleaned the bar, fixed everything and soon they opened it together. So he began to work there and found his way back to music. It was his own little therapy. And he was also ready to meet their friends, his friends again. That was the beginning of their Saturday meetings once in a month.

 

Meanwhile he got invited to be part of several art exhibitions, met people, got more jobs and for the first time in three years he felt alive again. Different, yes, but he felt something and this was reason enough for him to smile. His life was no longer a drunken world to hide his pain. Finally he had his own life and though it was scary, somehow, he could live with that.

 

* * *

It had been 4 years since he and Kurt broke up and Blaine was standing in a huge room, walls covered with his paintings and felt his heart beating like crazy. It was his first real big art exhibition and though he felt happy and proud he missed something. Someone.

When he woke up and remembered what day it was he turned to Kurt's side, smiling but no one was smiling back. No one was sharing this moment with him, no one but him was proud of what he accomplished. This was a small buffer but as soon as he saw his paintings he shoved these thoughts out of his mind and greeted his friends, people from college and people who heard about him.

It was also the first time he met Jason.

Jason was no the only guy he had met. There were other guys, some he slept with some he just met for some distraction. He was single, he was allowed to do whatever he wanted to. Yet, no one made him feel good not in the way he was used to.

Jason though... there was something about him and Blaine really considered giving this a try.

“Um, sorry? You are Blaine, right? Blaine Anderson?” asked Jason when Blaine was alone and no one asked him about where he got his ideas from or how much time he spent on painting a picture.

“Yes?” he turned around and found a pair of blue eyes. Dark blue eyes not the one he missed so much but, they were also beautiful. And, to be honest, Jason reminded Blaine of Kurt a lot. He was also taller, brown hair but his clothes were far too casual. Maybe that was the reason why he said yes on a date in the first place.

But when Jason began to talk about the pictures - He said his colors and the people he drew were warm, vivid and done by someone who really and truly loved what he was doing -, Blaine was not only flattered, he knew, this guy knew this business. Only in a different area. 

They met a week later in a small restaurant where he found out that Jason was a photographer, working for some famous magazines. That was the reason why it was so easy to talk with him. Both wanted to capture a picture which told so much in a simple second. Blaine painting it, Jason shooting it. And beside work they talked about personal things. Where they came from, College, New York.

They met whenever they could talking, laughing, being silly. All the stuff he had missed so bad. All the stuff he usually and only did with Kurt. Being with Jason was not the same but it was different. Better different and when he had a good feeling he visited Jason in his apartment. It was small, a chaos but lovely, thought Blaine. A place with stories and life.

That was the time when Jason told him about his family and what had happened. Maybe he did it because he felt safe inside his own four walls. Maybe he did it to show Blaine that he was trusting him. He could feel it, every word Jason had said about his past ran through Blaine like it was his own Story. How his parents never supported Jason but judged him for being gay. How he had to run away and find a new life – luckily he had a sister who supported him. It was just the same Blaine had to go through and knowing this created a deep connection to the person he began to like.

 

When Jason came over to his place Blaine shared his story with him. He didn't say much about Kurt because it hurt too much and was also the last thing he wanted to think about. Unless he wanted to go back to the dark place he had been when he and Kurt broke up. However, sharing this, their past and seeing all the connections, getting the understanding both were looking for Blaine let himself fall into this. He let it happen and it was good to feel someone holding him who just understood. It was good to kiss someone who never expected any words because Jason knew.

 

* * *

 

Being in a relationship, again, was strange. Really strange. The body he knew was not next to him, the lips he used to and know how to kiss weren't there. And having sex with someone he really liked and cared about – but who was not Kurt – was even more strange.

Beside the strangeness that this was Blaine also enjoyed it. Someone liked him, someone made him feel comfortable and understood him. Having someone he could take care of and got the same in return. It was simple 'moving on' and he really needed that. Blaine had no idea how much he needed that. A different life, a different love. Not better, not worse, just different. No, Jason couldn't fill the empty place inside Blaine's heart. No one could. But he helped Blaine to handle it without knowing.

 

A year later they looked for a new apartment to move in together. Of course Blaine knew there was his apartment which belonged to him but it was impossible to live with someone else together there. This was his and Kurt's place and he wanted to keep this place. He wanted this to be his home when needed.

Still, moving out was like starting a new life for real. He was excited, happy and for some reason it was easy to life with Jason together. The first two years were just good. Really good. And then Blaine began to talk about plans, wishes, dreams and found out that though they had a lot in common their future plans seemed to differ.

He told Jason about that he wanted to have a family, a real one. He wanted to have kids, he wanted to be a father and do all the things his dad never did with him. It had been one of his dreams since he and Kurt talked about getting married one day. Kurt would have said yes. Jason said no. He didn't like kids, he didn't even like taking care of Rachel's kids. It was one of the things they had fights about. And it was the first time Blaine questioned their relationship.

Kurt though... Kurt would have said yes, yes to all. He would have said yes to kids while being worried but at the same time wanting to have this with Blaine. What Kurt understood was nothing Jason understood. Yes, he knew how it felt like to be left alone by his parents but he didn't understand how much a family meant to Blaine. No, he wanted to have a boyfriend, maybe get married one day but he wanted his freedom, his possibility to go wherever and whenever he wanted to. So he did that. After their fight about becoming a family Jason started to work and leave Blaine alone for days, sometimes weeks.

Whenever those days came he couldn't help himself but remember. His mind opened the closed door with all the memories and it was just a mess. The reason why they broke up was not as clear as 7 years ago for Blaine, but he knew they had a fight. However, this was not the important thing he held so close to himself. It were all these beautiful memories he had missed. The kisses and laughs, the hugs and tears. The way Kurt held him and knew how to comfort him. The way Kurt's love just made everything better, made him feel perfect, made him feel like the person he wanted to be.

But Kurt was not here. He was... somewhere doing something and was probably already married or at least together with someone. Someone who could laugh about his jokes, admire his eyes and just how beautiful he was. Someone who loved him the way he needed to.

Yes, Blaine was sure Kurt wouldn't 'waste' seven years and wait for him.

And Jason...

Jason was here, he was real and loved Blaine. They would work this out, were his thoughts, talk and work everything out.

 

And then he met Kurt again and deep inside he felt how his walls broke and how his heart wanted so desperately to be held by those hands again.

 


	33. Back to the start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I just wanted to say that we are close to the end (maybe 2 or 3 chapters left + Epilogue)

 

Chapter 33. Back to the start

 

Kurt woke up in a bed that was not his. In arms that were not Garret's. He woke up in the bed next to the person he always wanted to wake up to. Forever.

His eyes found Blaine's head, resting on his chest and holding him strong and close but still deeply asleep. Smiling he let his hand rest on the soft curls and closed his eyes again to just breath. Everything that had happened yesterday seemed like a dream to him. A nightmare to name it right. Everything that had happened in the past months seemed like a nightmare and he wondered why it was so hard to break things off with Garret. Every excuse he had made in the past months was lame, every reason was no real reason anymore. Garret had no power over him, or Blaine or what any of them wanted to do. Not anymore.

Slowly and with some force he slipped out of Blaine's arms and went to the bathroom to take a shower, dress and do the things he had to do. So he showered, dressed and took the sketchbook he had left at Blaine's place and shoved it into his bag. But before he left he made sure to leave a note for Blaine and kissed his forehead so he would sleep for a while longer. He knew what calming effect this had on him. Blaine's eye was still swollen, still purple and though he was 28 years old he looked like the boy Kurt once met.

Leaving the note on the nightstand he took Blaine's phone and saved Jason's number on his own. After that he left the apartment together with his bag.

 

Outside he took a cab to Isabelle, knowing she spent Christmas alone this year. He texted her on his way just to be sure she was there and got an answer just seconds later. 20 minutes later he arrived at the building, gave the driver some dollars and then walked inside. It was one of those modern and expensive buildings but it had a touch of vintage. Just like Isabelle. She could be so modern but in a vintage way. Taking the elevator and stepping out as he reached the floor he already saw her, her head peeking out of the door and her lips stretching into a huge smile when she saw him.

“Merry Christmas, Kurt!”

“Merry Christmas,” he laughed and hugged her when he was inside her bright apartment.

“I hope you are not here to give me any gifts. I told you not to.”

He shook his head, following her into the kitchen where she apparently had been sitting before and reading a book with some hot chocolate.

“That's not the reason I'm here.”

“But you have time for some hot chocolate?”

“Of course,” he said as he sat down on the black chair and put his bag on the black table, sitting across her. Isabelle filled his cup with the hot liquor and handed it to him, obviously happy about the company but she tried to keep it a secret. Thanking her he took a sip because it had been pretty cold outside between the snow and winter wind.

“I do have something for you, you know.”

As she sat down she gave him a look and Kurt just smirked while opening his back to give her the sketchbook. Hesitating her eyes stared from the sketchbook to Kurt and back.

“Just take a look inside,” he said and Isabelle did that.

Silence surrounded them for the next five minutes. He sipping his chocolate while watching Isabelle's face. How her eyes grew bigger, her mouth turning into a smile or an o shape. Smiling he pulled his phone out – giving Isabelle the time she needed – and sent a text to Jason. He knew there was something Blaine and Jason knew otherwise it made really no sense why Jason was with Blaine yesterday. Of course he could have asked Blaine about it but this, Isabelle and the following thing he wanted to do he had to do this alone. There was really no need to worry Blaine more and maybe make him even more upset.

Because Kurt saw it yesterday and knew it since he met Blaine, this boy could still cause trouble and do things he never wanted to do again.

Jason texted him back, saying he was fine with meeting Kurt and tell him what happened. Answering with a time and place to meet he shoved his phone back into his pocket and met Isabelle's eyes.

“Why haven't you shown me those before? They are incredible.”

“I had my reason,” he answered and handed her a letter. Taking it from him the unfolded it and read it with eyes growing wider and wider.

“Are you serious?”

“I am,” smiled Kurt and Isabelle literally jumped off her seat and hugged him with a happy laugh. He smiled so hard as he hugged her back that his ears didn't even hear what she was saying. But he knew how much she wanted him to apply for this job, how much she tried to convince him to do so. Now he did it and it was one of the best feelings he ever experienced.

“What changed your mind? Oh, wait, I know! You broke up with Garret?”

The smile on his lips grew smaller, not completely but enough to tell Isabelle that there was more than just a break up.

“I did, yes. And... you guys were right. He didn't treat me well.”

Isabelle sat down next to him, taking his hand gently into her hands and gave him a warm smile, but concern was swimming in her old eyes. Old eyes that knew so much. So he told her what had happened, no details but what was necessary. He also told her that he was with Blaine now. Well, not officially because he still needed to label this with him but he was where he belonged and that made her happy. Almost as much when she read his application.

“I also need to tell you that I'm going to denounce Garret. What he did and what he is doing is not right.”

Maybe it wouldn’t change anything, thought Kurt, but he had to do something and show his ex that he couldn’t do what he wanted to and get away with it. Kurt was not scared, not weak. This was the right thing to do and maybe Jason knew more. More stuff about what actually had happened to Garret.

Isabelle nodded without saying or asking anything. Even if she had asked why or what happened she probably knew that Kurt was not going to talk about it. It had nothing to do with him not wanting other people to see who Garret was. It was all about his own opinion and own view on his ex. Isabelle never experienced what Garret did to Kurt – or without Kurt – and though she didn’t have a good opinion about him he really, really didn’t want to ruin it even more.

 

* * *

 

He arrived at a coffee shop, wanting to meet Jason in public and not behind walls. It was strange to meet Blaine’s ex and the person that disliked Kurt for – back then – no real reason later, well, Jason truly had a reason. But he was with Blaine yesterday helping him to get out of this apartment, helped him to get away from Garret and also accepting – probably – that he and Blaine were done. Kurt really didn’t know much about Jason and never exchanged many words with him, but he was there, helping putting Kurt before his friend Garret. This, thought Kurt, meant something.

 

Walking inside he found Jason already sitting at a table and waiting for him. Both exchanged a smile, a polite one, but it was not fake. He ordered himself a cup of tea and joined Jason as soon as he had his cup.

“Thanks for coming,” said Kurt and shook Jason’s hand though he reminded himself how they had hugged just some hours ago.

“Blaine’s not with you? Is he okay though?”

“He is… okay. As okay as he can be. He… doesn’t like to punch people and act like… you know, you saw it.”

Jason nodded slowly and stared down at his own cup.

“When he called you and heard what happened, or what he thought happened he was completely out of this world. He wasn’t listening to me or maybe even not knowing what he was doing because all he was focused on was to get you out of there. I’ve… I’ve never seen him like this.”

Kurt didn’t want to smile about that but he couldn’t stop the corners of his mouth moving. It was a good feeling to know that Blaine still cared so much about him but at the same time he wished it wasn’t like that. The things he did yesterday, the things he never wanted to do again where bad for him. A throwback into the past and meeting a place he had been fighting against.

“He’ll be okay. I’ll take care of him.”

Jason smiled, a warm smile and a grateful smile.

“I’m really sorry the way I treated you, Kurt.”  
“It’s okay, really.”

“No,” Jason shook his head and kept his eyes on Kurt: “It’s not okay. When I saw you two I was… jealous and angry. I saw how Blaine was looking at you in a way he never had looked at me or anyone else and I just… I wished you came back. But I know that this is not your fault and I know that Blaine can’t choose who his heart is beating for. It took me a while to understand that but now I do and I’m… really sorry. I was stupid, unfair and rude.”

Nodding Kurt smiled, one of those that said exactly what Jason needed to see.

“I accept your apology.”

“Thanks. So…” he began and sipped his coffee: “You wanted to meet me because you have questions?"

“I do,” sighed Kurt and this bad feeling he always felt when he thought about the time with Garret – the time when he treated Kurt in this insane way – but spoke on.

“You saw what happened yesterday. This happened before but never… this bad. And I just… wonder if you know something because you two are friends. Why he has been acting so weird, insane almost. Blaine, and don’t get mad at him, told me what you did in Cali.”

He saw that Jason was not mad or even hurt. There was understanding in his eyes and more.

“We’ve been together, in Cali. We’ve been together at many events and always had a good time. But we never did drugs. Never. Cali though, Cali was different. We met there, did our job and attended the after party. I told him about Blaine and our troubles and he asked me if I want to join him and his ‘friends’. So I joined him and it kind of happened, you know? I wasn’t even thinking I just wanted to… forget for a while.”

Kurt understood that. When he and Blaine broke up he wanted also to forget and just move on. But he never considered drugs as a solution or a way to make him forget.

“And… Garret?”

Jason laughed, but it was a heartless laugh, no happiness behind it.

“He told me he was doing this for months now. He liked the feeling of it, he said. I thought you knew and I thought he had it under control. Actually, it was none of my business what you two agreed on and what not. But when he wanted to give me more I said no and he became furious. I mean really furious.”

It took him a minute to understand that the person he wanted to marry, and loved for a while did those things and he had no idea. It took Kurt a minute to comprehend that it was not him, it was not his fault that Garret got so angry. It took him a while to understand that a person as smart as Garret could do such stupid things.

“I wondered… what was wrong. But now I know.”

“I’m sorry though. I should have said something when I knew.”

Kurt nodded because that was true. He knew how dangerous Garret was and he knew that Kurt was living with him. Still he couldn’t really blame Jason for not saying anything. He wanted to break up with Garret a long time ago but he refused to, was too scared and it had to go so far like it did yesterday.

“I’ll go to the police to denounce him.”

“Yeah, I would do the same. And I’ll give you a report if you want to. Of course I want to do it anonymously because I really don’t want to get into trouble and lose my job.”

Kurt smiled: “Thank you. Really.”

 

* * *

 

 

By the time he was back at Blaine's place it was around 1pm. Kurt was sure that Blaine was still sleeping because there were no calls or texts from Blaine. Silently he unlocked the door, took his winter clothes off and hung them in the bathroom because they were wet from the snow.

Then he went to the kitchen to drink some water because his mouth was dry. And not just his mouth, this feeling inside him was strange. He felt happy but also scared, relieved but also stressed. The police believed him and they were at Garret's place in this very moment. Maybe they found some drugs, maybe something else but he was happy that his own stuff was clean so he had nothing to be worried about. Not really, but he was worried that Garret found a way out of this.

He always did no matter in what situation he had found himself. It was a scary but also useful ability. However, Kurt hoped that this time Garret would not get away with it. He had Blaine and Jason and even Isabelle who could say enough about the things Garret did. Four people, and many more.

Taking a deep breath he left the kitchen and walked back into the bedroom, wanting to sneak under the covers and wait till Blaine woke up. But when he opened the door Blaine was already awake and clutching the pillow Kurt slept on. How could this man look so young?

“I thought you were still sleeping. Why didn't you text me?”

“I thought you went back to him,” said Blaine and Kurt could see how he really had believed in that.

“I left you a note, honey. Haven't you seen it?”

Blaine blinked questionably and rolled on his back, head to the left so he could see the note on his nightstand.

 

_I'll be back later, love you_

 

“Oh,” breathed Blaine and Kurt climbed on the bed to lay beside him, smiling.

“I told you I won't go back,” he leaned down, kissing Blaine for the first time today and stroke the curls from his forehead before he took a closer look on Blaine's black eye. It still looked terrible but better than yesterday.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better, I guess,” Blaine spoke slowly, eyes never leaving Kurt's face and his hand caressing Kurt's cheek like he wanted to make sure this was real.

“Where have you been?”

He bit his lower lip to stop the grin but that was not easy when the person under him knew Kurt better than anyone. Wrapping his arms around Blaine's body and holding him close he let the smile happen.

“I visited Isabelle and gave her my application for the job.”

Blaine's eyes grew wide, mouth fell open and Kurt just nodded, knowing the question Blaine couldn't say.

“And I met Jason who told me what Garret did. After that I went to the police to denounce him.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Why didn't you wake me up? I would have gone with you.”

He smiled for a while longer, watched Blaine for a while longer and thought about all the times exactly this happened. Always. It was always them supporting each other and eventually get used to it. So there was really no surprise when it didn't happen – seven years ago – that both questioned everything. So he said what he had learned in the past years.

“This was something I needed to do on my own. I needed to take the control, change things for myself and like myself, so I can be here now, with you and start all over again.”

Blaine waited before he spoke again, clearly showing Kurt through his eyes that he understood what he was saying.

“I know what you mean. We were... too young to understand that. What we can do on our own and what we have to do alone.”

“Yes. But I was sure, no matter how much we would change and no matter where we went, I was sure we would meet again and be, again, perfect for each other.”

“You are always perfect for me,” said Blaine and kissed Kurt's lips while he giggled.

“And you for me too, even with your black eye.”

Now it was Blaine who giggled and the warmth in his eyes, the one only meant for Kurt came back.

“What did the police say?”

“I told them what happened and what he was doing and they believed me. I'm sure they are right now at his place and talking or arresting him. I bet he his furious but he can't touch me anymore. He is no longer a part of my life or me. Just an experience I made and learn from.”

Again silence and Blaine used this to touch Kurt's face for a while, feel and see and then he spoke again.

“So we... move on now? Let the past rest and move on together?”

“Yes. I want to start our forever now.”

There was really nothing else he could have done. He gave Isabelle his application, went to the police and came back here where he belonged. And here he wanted to stay forever. No, he didn't want to forget but he also refused to live in the past. His present and future was here now and this was more important than anything.

And Blaine understood what he had said and his eyes became glassy, filling with all the tears he had been holding back for so long.

“Thank you,” he whispered and nuzzled against Kurt's neck.

* * *

 

Kurt liked sex with Blaine. He loved it actually and he wondered how he was able to not miss this in the past seven years. Having sex with Blaine was more then just fucking and getting off. So much more. It was them both giving everything to the other and fall into the deepest and strongest bliss and pleasure ever. No matter if it was Kurt being the top or Blaine.

That night it was Kurt topping because Blaine asked for it, wanted it and maybe because he didn't want to scare Kurt. After being almost raped Kurt was sure that Blaine was more worried about his mental state than he himself was. Inside he really felt nothing, no fear, no worries about this. Blaine was not Garret and he never ever forced Kurt into something. Loving Blaine, even fucking him was and always would be like entering the world he could be who he was, safe and loved.

So there was really nothing, no doubt, no fear inside his heart when he thrust into Blaine.

They broke their kiss as Kurt hit his prostate, feeling Blaine's hands around his neck and heard him whimper: “Fuck me, fuck me harder.”

And Kurt did just that. Thrusting into Blaine but keeping his eyes focused on his face to see what he was feeling. Because Kurt just agreed to his words. He wanted it harder and faster so that he would feel it for weeks, burn it into his mind how much he loved this man and never forget that. It was true what Blaine said so many years ago, what Blaine said when they had sex for the first time after seven years.

He wanted this moment burned, tattooed in his memory and never forget how he could make this boy fall apart. How this boy made him fall apart and sink into endless love.

He kissed him again, desperate, held his body in place to hit the spots that made Blaine crazy over and over again. Moans, the slapping of skin against skin and then he came, right after Blaine.

 

Lying on Blaine's chest he tried to catch his breath, felt his heart beating fast and strong together with Blaine's and after some seconds he noticed the beloved hands in his hair, still caressing his neck. Then the gentle press of lips against his temple and slowly, with shaking arms and a pliant body he slipped out of Blaine rolling the condom of his softening cock.

“Oh my God,” huffed Blaine a laugh and rolled on his stomach after he had cleaned it.

“What?” asked Kurt not sure if he should been laughing too or not. He threw the condom into the bin and lay half on top of Blaine, pressing a kiss on the back of his neck.

“I'm too old for this. I'll be sore forever.”

“For an old man you can be pretty silly,” laughed Kurt and wrapped his arms around the warm and naked body and breathed in. God, he had missed the smell of Blaine, the smell after they had sex, the feeling of everything.

“I'm proud of you, though.”

“Because I still have the stamina of a teenager?”

Blaine laughed and rolled to his side so he was facing Kurt.

“No. Because you of... everything you did today.”

“It was about time.”

He watched Blaine nodding, watched his eyes looking down and knew that he was still worried that something from what happened, what Garret did to him was affecting Kurt. But it was not. Nothing, really. So he kissed him and whispered: “I'm okay. We are okay.”

 

 


	34. Lover's Eyes

 

Chapter 34. Lover's Eyes

 

_Well, love was kind for a time_   
_Now just aches and it makes me blind_   
  
_This mirror holds my eyes too bright_   
_I can't see the others in my life_   
  
_Were we too young? Our heads too strong?_   
_To bear the weight of these lover's eyes._   
_'Cause I feel numb, beneath your tongue_   
_Beneath the curse of these lover's eyes._

 

 

**1 month later**

 

He was nervous for some reason. Meeting their friends for the first time as a couple again made him really nervous. He knew it had been a mistake to ignore his friends in the past 7 years but it was what had needed back then. And they weren't mad at him, not really. They understood why he did it. Now, his past – his past with Garret – was over and the police arrested him for what he did. For the attempted rape and for the drugs. Kurt had to talk to them several times because they found so many things about his ex fiance that he – as his ex – could have been a part of everything.

But they had no evidence for this. All they gave were the information he never got. That Garret kept drugs in their apartment, that he really hurt a lot of people and made some illegal deals.

Breaking up with him and going away was the smartest thing he had ever done. Otherwise who knew what would have happened.

But Kurt didn't want to think about that. He had his therapist, deciding it was a good idea to at least visit one and see if he needed help or not. If someone had asked him he would have said no, that he didn't need one. His job was amazing, his friends were back in his life and he was together with the person he loved for so many years. Everything was good, better, so much better but he needed to be sure.

After work he went back home, saying good bye to his co-workers and even walking through the streets felt better than before. This New York was no longer the gray city making him unhappy and like it was too big for him. This New York welcomed him with open arms and let him breath as much as he needed to.

Pulling his phone out he texted Blaine that he would be back home in 30 minutes and it was not just a saying. It was really his home with all his stuff there. After they arrested Garret both went back to the apartment and packed Kurt's stuff to move it to Blaine's. There were still some boxes unpacked but as soon as he found time and more space he would unpack even those.

Then he felt his phone buzzing and saw that there was a new text from Blaine.

 

**Blaine 7:43pm:**

_Can we meet at our old place?_

 

Kurt blinked and read the message over and over again but eventually texted back.

 

**Kurt 7:44pm:**

_Sure._

 

* * *

 

_But do not ask the price I paid,_   
_I must live with my quiet rage,_   
_Tame the ghosts in my head,_   
_That run wild and wish me dead._   
_Should you shake my ash to the wind_   
_Lord, forget all of my sins_   
_Oh, let me die where I lie_   
_Neath the curse of my lover's eyes._

 

When he climbed out of the cab Blaine was already standing in front of the familiar building. This was Kurt's first own apartment and the one where he shared so many good but bad times too with Blaine. Yet, looking at it all he felt were good things. Many good things. The nights they spent loving each other, the lazy days when all they were doing was watching Disney movies, make music, sing, dance. Days when they just were in love.

He was a bit surprised that the building was still in such a good state. Still dark brown, windows white and when he looked up – to where their apartment was – he didn't see any curtains. Well, maybe the people who lived there didn't like curtains.

“Hey Baby,” smiled Blaine and Kurt kissed him hello. This, being allowed to kiss Blaine in public again, be hold hands in public, just be a couple was also something he really enjoyed. No more hiding, no more separation just the couple they used to be but older, smarter and more experienced.

“Hey. What are we doing here?”

“I wanted to show you something,” explained Blaine and took Kurt's hand: “Would you go inside with me?”

“Of course,” answered Kurt not even trying to hide his surprise. The difference between standing in front of the building and actually walking inside hit Kurt pretty deep. When Blaine unlocked the front door and they both walked inside the bright corridor with the dark stairs he remembered how he had been running down those. How he ran away from Blaine and their old life and only came back to get his stuff when Blaine was not at home. But he also remembered the time when he literally jumped up the stairs to be home as fast as possible. Happy and in love.

This time they weren't running or especially happy. They held hands and walked up and letting all the old memories drag them into some melancholic mood.

It didn't feel like seven years ago. When Kurt felt wild and free and had been so excited about everything. He felt calmer, more like everything he saw, the stairs, the walls, feeling Blaine's hand in his became something precious for him. This had been a part of his life and now it became one again. And judging by Blaine's look he probably felt the same way.

Standing in front of their door Blaine unlocked it and both walked inside. What he saw made Kurt almost breathless. Nothing had changed, nothing. Everything was just like he remembered it. Even the bench under the window he loved to sit on was still how he remembered it.

But that was not what surprised him. It was everything.

“You... kept this place?”

Blaine nodded and stood right there where they broke up so many years ago.

“I always had hope that we would come back here. But, eventually, I just couldn't give this place up. If it weren't for us than I wanted my kids to live here.”

Kurt nodded and looked down, seeing the same ground he had been staring at seven years ago. Back then everything was such a mess inside his head. It had been filled with anger, with frustration and with so much pain for a reason that never existed. Now he was older and his mind was no longer the mess it used to be.

They just stood there, chasing the memories of the scenes that had once happened here. Here between the white walls and dark furniture.

“You were right, you know?” Blaine broke the silence and stood still in front of Kurt, hands deep inside the pockets of his gray coat.

“I was focused on myself. I focused on college because it made me happy and because I was good at it. I tried to help you, to understand what was wrong but I just... couldn't. For me you were and are so talented when it comes to performing and singing and I was sure other people saw that too. I really didn't notice what you've been going through.”

Kurt listened because it was time to get this out for the last time.

“I thought that loving you was enough and that you would tell me whatever happened. But you were right. I did not. I was so focused on myself that I almost didn't care. Maybe I was too young, maybe it was something else but my young mind. But I need you to know that I'm really sorry for what I did and say to you.”

He nodded slowly, collecting his own thoughts and letting it out what he had been hiding for so long.

“I was jealous and also... I didn't understand why it had been like this. We both started together and worked hard to achieve our dreams. But for some reason you had it so easy and I was struggling. So I was jealous and I didn't know. I just came up with all these reasons what was wrong but ignored what was true.”

“And then we broke up, here,” said Blaine slowly and looked down on the same spot Kurt was looking at.

“We did. And I'm sorry what I said about you and your parents.”

Blaine huffed a laugh stepping closer and taking Kurt's hands into his.

“It's true though. They exactly taught me that, how to be heartless and cold.”

Kurt smiled, for some reason they both smiled and then he leaned his head against Blaine's, whispering: “You are not heartless and cold.”

“I'm not because of you,” murmured the smaller and placed a kiss on Kurt's lips.

“So what's with this place?” he asked and pulled back but kept one hand wrapped around Blaine's as he was looking around.

“I thought about... moving back here. Because it's our place. We started here and we stopped here but I would love to start again, here.”

Starting again, thought Kurt. There was really no reason to stay at Blaine's place. This apartment belonged to them. The bought it, started here and became a couple with fights and love and everything. Yes, they broke up here, lived through a very dark time in their relationship here. But this apartment was still the only place he really felt home at. He knew each crack and its story. Each mark, each corner. Even now this felt like the place he belonged to, truly belonged to. So Kurt nodded slowly.

“I'd love to.”

 

* * *

 

_'Cause there's no drink or drug I've tried_   
_To rid the curse of these lover's eyes_   
_And I feel numb, beneath your tongue_   
_Your strength just makes me feel less strong_

 

A month later they were back in their old apartment and Kurt felt like the young boy who just moved in there. Happy and giddy. Only this time they didn't fall all over each other and made love whenever they could. This time they really took their time to decorate this place and make it their home again. With photos and books, with their pillows and blankets and as soon as they were done Kurt happily sat down next to the window on the bench he loved so much.

With a wide smirk he looked over to Blaine and said the words he said when they moved in for the first time.

“Cuddling at the window and give the people something to look at?”

Blaine blinked and then laughed over Kurt's words as he joined him and settled between Kurt's legs to rest his head on Kurt's chest. At that moment, when they relaxed and held each other while watching the rain falling he knew from now on they would be alright. There was no doubt, no one he could love like he loved Blaine and no one could love him like Blaine did. This was his home, his place to be and he promised himself to keep it that way.

“We should, visit your Dad. He doesn't know about us yet,” mumbled Blaine.

“He'll probably start planning our wedding,” joked Kurt but it was not really a joke. If Blaine had asked him at that very moment he would have said yes, yes to all. Of course asking Blaine was also an option but it didn't feel like that was the right time.

Blaine laughed but agreed. He knew Burt just as good as Kurt did.

“You are happy, right?”

“Of course I am.”  
“It's just... all this stuff that happened with your ex fiance and us living here again. I do understand if it's too much for you.”

It was a lot. Especially when he found out about the drugs and what a terrible person Garret had been when he went on those events. He wondered how all of this kept being a secret for months and he had really no idea what was really going on. First he wondered if he never wanted to see it or if Garret was just such a good liar. Usually Kurt trusted his insight into human nature but there were always people who could even fool him. After all he was just a human being with flaws and it was pointless to keep thinking and thinking about that. It was done, it was over.

“I don't know to be honest. I just think that... moving on is better. I have my therapist and I have you and our friends. I really want to focus on that because this makes me happy.”

“And what about work? I know this is not your dream but something you love to do.”

His dream. Kurt avoided to think about his dream for so long because studying fashion design and working at Vogue made him happy too. But he dreamed about performing still. He dreamed about being part of a Broadway show and then settle down and work for Vogue. That was all he wanted. Being part of a show and entertain people for some weeks. Being part of the bright lights and signing autographs. Maybe even come back to do another show. He sighed but smiled at Blaine who probably knew anyway what he was thinking.

“It's still my dream.”

No more words were needed to explain what he was thinking and what he wanted. Blaine saw it in his eyes and understood the desperation and also frustration. The unfairness how everyone seemed to live their dream while Kurt decided to follow his other dream. His second one.

Seven years ago Blaine would have said that Kurt would live his dream one day. This time he just kissed Kurt and held him close. Held him together.

 

* * *

 

  
_But do not ask the price I paid,_   
_I must live with my quiet rage,_   
_Tame the ghosts in my head,_   
_That run wild and wish me dead._   
_Should you shake my ash to the wind_   
_Lord, forget all of my sins_   
_Or let me die where I lie_   
_Neath the curse of my lover's eyes._

 

“My favorite couple!” laughed Burt wholeheartedly and so loud that the whole neighborhood probably heard him. He pulled Kurt into a tight hug and then Blaine who hadn't seen Burt in years.

“Blaine! It's so good to see you!”

Kurt hugged Carole and then watched his boyfriend and his Dad, the two most important men in his life finally meeting again and because of a happy occasion.

“You look good, Burt,” laughed Blaine and he was right. His Dad didn't look much older. He looked healthy and happy and that's all Kurt wished for. While Blaine hugged Carole Kurt caught his father wiping some tears away and seeing how proud he was that they were back together. Yes, their break did not only affect them, it also had a huge impact on their family and friends but he was glad that this was finally over and they could go back to how things were.

Carole hushed them inside and soon they were all sitting together in the living room with some tea and cookies. It really felt like so many years ago, when they were young and getting to know each other. When they used this couch for cuddles and more when his Dad was not around. But a lot of decisions happened also here on this couch, a lot of changes. Like Blaine's aunt asking him to live with her, them talking about their future, them becoming all a family.

“This might sound rude or something but I'm more than happy that you broke up with this Garret guy,” said Burt and literally nothing and no one could stop his happiness.

“Yeah, I'm happy too. He was really not good for me,” said Kurt and they both agreed on not telling what really happened. At least not now because they came here to have a good weekend with their family. But he noticed Blaine's look and knew this was the understatement of the year.

“And I hope you two won't break up again and understood how stupid it was in the first place.”

“We won't let that happen again,” said Blaine and squeezed Kurt's hand.

“So you two are fine and work also?”

Kurt nodded slowly after he took a sip of his tea.

“I'm really enjoying myself right now. Isabelle is happy too and Garret does no longer work with us.”

Burt nodded exchanging a look with Carole and said: “Must have done something terrible, huh?”

“It's more like Isabelle doesn't come along with him.”

“Well, I'm not surprised.”

“Any future plans you two?” said Carole before his father could start with all the reasons why he disliked his ex and Kurt was thankful for that.

“Not really. We just moved back into our old apartment and just live. We weren't together like this for seven years.”

Burt began to cough and Kurt groaned when he made eye contact with him while Blaine laughed.

“Oh my God, Dad! I'm twenty eight... please.”

 

* * *

 

They talked some more about what happened what they wanted to happen and then they went out, Blaine inviting them to a restaurant. Being together like this was one of Kurt favorite moments. With his ex he never did those things and even if, he knew, it would have never felt the way it did with Blaine. His father never liked Garret and there was always some tension between the two of them. But Burt was the amazing father letting his son experience many things for himself.

Though Kurt wished he took his father's advice more serious so many months ago.

He didn't and he couldn't change it. Moving on was his priority now. Especially moving on with Blaine. When they finished eating he watched Blaine talking with Burt about football – like they always used to – and for a second he saw the young boy he fell in love with. The boy who found a family through Kurt's and it was the same boy he imagined to marry one day. Even that day he imagined to just ask Blaine and become fiances. Why wait when they both were sure for so many years though they weren't together. Why wait when he knew he never wanted to love someone else – never could love someone else like he loved Blaine.

Kurt would have asked but he didn't. Like any other moment in his life that could be planned he wanted the proposal to be perfect. Something more private, more romantic and only the two of them together. The prospect of asking Blaine made him clingy and happy and he wasn't even aware that he acted that way. They left the restaurant, Burt driving and when they arrived and went into Kurt's old room his idea suddenly seemed to become reality.

It was just everything in this room. His old bed, his desk, his posters and pictures. Everything was like it used to be and when Blaine sat down on their bed he truly saw the boy he fell in love with. The boy who was just as angry as Kurt and aching for someone who cared. The young boy he shared his first kiss with, the boy he held so many nights or let him hold. He remembered their first time when they took the virginity from the other and the most perfect way he ever imagined it to happen.

Now this boy who gave him all these wonderful things sat there and smiled at Kurt. Now he was older, happy and knew what he wanted and where to go. Just like Kurt. They shared a smile and then Kurt sat down next to him, noticing the different look in Blaine's eyes.

“What is it? Missing the old times?”

“You mean the times when we wanted to have sex but couldn't?”

Kurt laughed with Blaine but the look didn't disappear so he asked again, bumping his shoulder against Blaine's.

“Seriously though. I see something is bothering you.”

Their eyes met and Blaine shrugged slowly: “It's not something that bothers me. I just think about what happened here inside your room.”

“Our first kiss, first time,” hummed Kurt and leaned his head against his boyfriend's.

“All our firsts happened here and-” he began and pulled something out of his pocket. And Kurt was not even surprised as he saw what it was: “I thought this would be our first too. Well, someone took it away from me.”

He stared at the small ring box and slowly his nervousness controlled his whole being. He imagined this moment many times, imagined to feel exactly like he did now. Breathless, nervous but also excited. When Garret had proposed Kurt didn't feel even close to what he felt when he saw the box in Blaine's hand.

“But this will last because we both knew this moment would happen anyway.”

Blaine smiled, then chuckled: “I even asked your Dad for his permission and he literally forced me to do it today. Sorry it's not as big and romantic as your first was.”

“I honestly don't care how. Only that it's you.”

He felt Blaine relaxing next to him and then saw his eyes shining golden and happy as he stood up and knelt on one knee in front of Kurt. Only seeing this and Kurt wanted to yell yes but he waited.

“So, Kurt Hummel. Will you-”

“Yes!”

He wished he had a camera to take a picture of Blaine's big eyes but he was too excited and too happy to do anything but watch Blaine rising with the biggest smile ever and kissing him silly between giggles and falling on his bed. They kissed for a while, happy little kisses and then Blaine pulled back as he lay on Kurt and finally opened the box.

It was a wonderful silver ring, with a golden stone one it, just like Blaine's eyes.

“Give me your hand,” whispered Blaine and Kurt did so, feeling the cold material wrapping around his finger and feeling so much better than the other he had. No, not better. Perfect.

“I bought those before we broke up, you know?”

“Those?”

Blaine reached back into his pocket and pulled another black box out and opened it. There was the same ring just with a blue stone on it. A blue color like Kurt's eyes. At that moment it felt real, so real though it always had felt like that. The promise to stay together, to get married and start their own little family. It was always their plan to make it official what was already sealed for them. So he took the ring and put it on Blaine's finger who took a shaking breath and then smiled. Neither of them was able to stop smiling.

“I love you,” whispered Kurt and kissed him.

“I love _you_ ,” whispered Blaine back and wrapped his arms around Kurt's body just like Kurt did. Finally, Kurt thought, finally they were there. There on his bed where everything began and something new began again.

 

_And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow_   
_Take my hand, help me on my way._   
_And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow_   
_Take my hand, I'll be on my way._

 

 


	35. A Star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I've decided to not write an epilogue for this fic because the ending felt like an ending for me and I'm not sure if an epilogue would ruin it or not.
> 
> So, I want to thank everyone who read this fic and walked this long road with me together. It was not easy sometimes because things happened I had no idea would happen in this fic. But I've learned a lot myself from this fic and I really enjoyed it. I doubt there will be a sequel but you never know, right? For now I'll focus on my other fics and want to finish them as soon as possible. Other AUs are already planned and written down and I'm excited to share those with you guys!
> 
> Thank you again for your support, patience and I hope you'll enjoy the last chapter :) See ya maybe in one of my other fics!

 

Chapter 35. A Star

 

Fiance, Kurt thought. Well that was all he could think about since they came back from Lima. He was engaged with the person he knew he wanted to spent the rest of his life with. And he didn't even try to hide his ring. The first person he showed it, well they showed it, were Burt and Carole and got dragged into tight hugs, laughs and Burt being probably more happy about their engagement then Kurt and Blaine themselves.

Back in New York it was Isabelle who he showed the ring and she literally began to plan a party for them in Vogue. With his co-workers and their friends. It was a long and amazing party and followed by a lazy day them staying in bed.

 

It was strange but so good to live with Blaine again. Seven years ago they were totally crazy after each other and living the life of a student while handling the process of growing up – at that was a bit overwhelming.

It took them seven years of separation to be where they were. Adults with a job and more than enough money to live a bit better than ever imagined. Two adults who had their own place in New York. Two adults sharing their duties and dealing with all the paperwork and bills they couldn't when they were younger. Two adults in love and engaged.

This felt definitely better and more real than the time when he was engaged with Garret. Back then he never really planned a wedding for them – never really wanted to. Back then it was more like a life he could have lived with when he and Blaine never met again.

However, he preferred this life. He would always prefer this life and always chose this one.

 

A life that was ruled by planning their wedding and every free minute he did exactly that. The day was already chosen, September the first and there were only five months left. For some people a lot of time but not for Kurt. He wanted their wedding to be perfect and also not too small. He wanted it – just like Blaine – to be special for them and unforgettable.

 

It almost felt like a task for them to achieve that but without any pressure because they knew that it didn't really matter. What mattered was that they got married with a big party or not, at least that's what Blaine kept on saying. Kurt, while agreeing, still wanted this wedding to be something others also remembered for years.

That's why he left work earlier to meet with Blaine and visit two of the eight places for the reception. Finding some places at all was close to a miracle for them because when there was one thing each person in New York had to do, it was waiting.

 

The first place the visited was a nice restaurant with a hall big enough for 100 people but the beige color didn't fit with their imagination. So they left the place and visited the second one which was a little big bigger but too dark. Kurt was still optimistic about the other six halls they wanted to visit.

 

Back home they decided to call it an early night. They ate some of the chicken they bought on their way home and went to bed together. Kurt just wanted to lay there with Blaine and watch something.

Or more, he just wanted to rest his head on Blaine's chest and sleep. Falling asleep was easy because Blaine's arm holding his was warm and made him feel safe.

They were watching some movie – Kurt really had no idea what movie it was – but there was a father with his son playing baseball and he felt and heard Blaine sighing. Usually Blaine sighed when he thought about something huge so he made sure this was not the case.

“What are you thinking?” mumbled Kurt.

“I just... okay,” he began and held him a bit closer: “Promise me to not freak out.”

“Blaine, I won't.”

He thought about what Blaine could say to freak him out anyway. There was really nothing he could think of only, but that was impossible, if Blaine decided to cancel this wedding or break up with him. That would have been a reason to freak out and an insane reason as well. Some months ago, even years this would have been a something wandering through Blaine's mind but not anymore. That's why he leaned his head back so he could see his fiance's face and noticed that he was not sad or anything. He was actually nervous.

On one side it made him feel happy that he still could make him nervous but on the other hand Kurt didn't want Blaine to feel this way.

“We are both twenty eight and we have jobs, enough money and a home big enough for more than two people. And... you know how much I want to become a father.”

“You want kids? Now?” said Kurt completely calm but Blaine was it who freaked out.

“No! Not now. Just... maybe... soon? I mean, soon in like a year or two?”

They kept their eyes locked and instead of trying hard to imagine that it was actually pretty easy to imagine this. Them creating a family together and taking care of a little child and raise it in a way with love and happiness. Raise it like Blaine's parents never could. He knew this had always been Blaine's dream when they got together. It was never a huge topic because there were other things they needed to focus on but now, even if they weren't back together for too long, it was close to become reality.

“A girl or a boy?” asked Kurt and saw how Blaine's mouth dropped open and he couldn't help himself but smile. It was never his dream, never something he felt like he needed it. But with Blaine he wanted this. He wanted to have a kid and take care of it together with Blaine. He wanted the sleepless nights and senseless fights over nothing at all.

He wanted to experience this with his fiance, he wanted to experience everything with his fiance.

“You... you want to?”

“Of course I want to. Why are you so surprised though?”

Blaine licked his lips, eyes focusing to the left and then he spoke.

“Because you never talked about this. Like, I know you are not against it but I wasn't sure if you want it now.”

“I honestly don't see why not. We both knew this would be our future. We have jobs, we have enough money and enough space and I, honestly, don't want to wait anymore.”

His fiance looked back at him, lips curling into a new smile Kurt had not seen before but he loved it just like any other smile. With a happy sigh he let Blaine wrap him into a tight hug and heard the whispered thank you while there was really no need to thank him. He wanted the same. However, imagining that this was their future, becoming daddies and take care of a little kid made him excited but also nervous.

Being a parent meant to take even more responsibilities and some he probably wasn't even aware of. But he wouldn't be alone while doing this.

“I guess you want a surrogate mother?”

Blaine pulled back to face Kurt and nodded slowly.

“I really want that. I want a kid related to us.”

“Then who will be the donor?”

His smile came back and there was also something else in Blaine's eyes. Something a bit crazy and Kurt gave him a suspicious look.

“Actually, I'd love to have a kid that looks a lot like you and has a bit from me. But, sadly, we can't have kids though we are pretty good at trying.”

“Oh my God!” groaned Kurt and then they both began to laugh. Yes, Blaine sometimes came up with some crazy ideas.

“Seriously though, I don't care. I just want us to become a family with a kid.”

“Hmm,” hummed Kurt when they both stopped laughing and let his fingers caress Blaine's jaw while they lay close to each other, still face to face.

“I think you should do it. I like the idea of a kid with your curls and looking just adorable as you do. And... who says we can have only one child?”

At that moment, when Blaine stared at him for several seconds completely dumbfounded he needed to bite his lower lip to stop the smirk on his lips. Then he watched his fiancé's face light up like the sun and giggled when he covered his face with small but many kisses.

 

* * *

 

A month later Kurt was just frustrated. This wedding planning was more exhausting than he imagined it to be and it was not even his or Blaine's fault. It was everything they wanted to happen that just didn't work out. The restaurants and halls they had checked weren't locations they wanted. It was either too small or the wrong color or just gave them a bad feeling. They had a cake, they already had their suits – designed by Kurt – but everything else just didn't want to work out for them and he got so frustrated that after work he decided to walk through a part of New York he had been avoiding for years.

It was the place he dreamed to become a part of so many years ago. It was a place that usually made him excited and happy. Now it was just an old dream he was facing and it even hurt a bit to see the place he would never be part of.

Broadway.

Lights, noises and familiar play were all around him. People talking about exactly this, the plays and the music, about the thing Kurt wanted to do so many years ago. He had seen shows, he enjoyed them but he always dreamed – even for a second – to be the one on the stage and his face shining on the big screens. He didn't want the fame. He just wanted to show his talent and make people happy for a moment. Wanted to give them a good performance and move them in any way possible.

Creating clothes was also his dream and he really loved his job. Seeing people wearing his creation filled him with pride and happiness too. Yet, it was his second dream and the old demon how everyone lived their dream but he didn't, well, this demon or angel never left him. Slept maybe but never left him.

He just walked with the people, reading the posters, the names of the actors but then he stopped when he saw a poster that said: Auditions!

Kurt kept on reading and saw that they were looking for new people for Sweeney Todd. Everyone was invited between who was older than 25 years old and Kurt thought about for a second. Thought about to go there and audition for the role of Sweeney Todd. Not only because he loved and knew this musical but it was also like this, exactly this moment was waiting for him.

He kept on reading and read the date for the show to start. September the first. The day he wanted to marry Blaine. The day he looked forward too so much but everything was working against them. Maybe this was not the moment for him to shine and maybe... this moment – standing on a stage and perform, sing and get applause for it – would never come.

Or maybe everything that was working against them, against their wedding, against that it went down smoothly and without any problems was a sign to take this chance?

Conflicted he fumbled with his phone and waited. For what he had no idea but eventually he decided keep the date for the audition, place and number on his phone. He could at least...try right?

 

* * *

 

The audition took place in a week and Kurt practiced every minute he was alone. He sang the songs of Sweeney Todd, danced and practiced expressions in front of a mirror. He did all of this while working and still looking for a place to celebrate their wedding. It almost felt like when he was a student at NYADA and under so much pressure that he was worried. He didn't want to have a fight again and the same result of it. Still, imagining this could be his chance he really needed to practice.

Because, despite the pressure and everything it made him also happy. He forgot how much he enjoyed singing and dancing and learning scripts and expressions. Just forgetting the world and let the feeling of the music and words fill his soul. He still enjoyed it, he still loved it and with each passing day he dared to be hopeful about the audition. This was his role, he told himself, this was his chance to achieve his dream and then settle down as a husband, father and designer.

But he didn't say a word about this to Blaine. Not because he didn't want to tell him about it because he knew Blaine would support him as much as he could. It was more about to wait and see if he even got the role. Telling Blaine now about it he saw Blaine already re-planning everything just so it would be perfect for Kurt and it also meant waiting before they talked about kids again. Kids Blaine wanted to have for so long. And maybe also because he didn't want to fail and Blaine would immediately want to know if he succeeded or not.

No, this was something he needed to do alone but it was hard to hide. Especially when they went to sleep and Kurt was just exhausted with an excited fiancé next to him. The fiancé who wanted to love him and kiss him and cuddle. But Kurt was just too tired for anything and though they weren't fighting or anything it worried Blaine. He saw it all over his face.

“Kurt, if something is bothering you, you need to tell me. I don't want to lose you again.”

And Kurt gave him this reassuring smile, kissed him and said that there was no need to be worried that only work was exhausting him.

 

Then the day came and Kurt stood nervously in a room with other people who were reading their script over and over again. He did not and didn't feel the need to do it. It was like preparing for an exam. Instead of giving everything on his short memory he counted on his talent. Yes, he knew he was talented and he wanted the people inside the other room to see that.

This was not NYADA and he was no longer in a circle with people who judged him for his voice or looks. This was a place with people who didn't care about differences. A place more open to people who were, well, special. When it was his time to go inside he greeted the woman and the two guys and said: “I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of Sweeney Todd.”

 

* * *

 

On his way back home he smiled. He truly smiled though he had no idea if he got the role or not. They had his phone number and said it would take at least a week until they decided who they want. But at that moment it didn't really matter to Kurt because he enjoyed his performance and he enjoyed standing in front of people and perform after such a long time. He loved how surprised they were – in a good way – and that their faces weren't hiding anything. After some years you got an eye for that and Kurt was sure he saw amazement in their faces. Also the compliments they made about how stunning his voice was and how easy it seemed for him to fall into a role were honest.

That made him even more happy then the performance itself. Finally there were people who saw his talent. Finally there was someone who didn't make him feel like it was the wrong place for him to be. He almost jumped home because this made him so happy.

 

“Honey I'm home!” called Kurt as he walked inside their home and found Blaine sitting on the couch in the living room, watching one of those crime series, wearing a white shirt and sweatpants because it was his lazy day. While Blaine stood up Kurt slipped his shoes off and met him in the middle for a kiss. A kiss a bit longer than the other hello-kisses. And to signal Blaine this he place his hands on the small of Blaine's back and hummed happily when he heard the surprised noise coming from him.

“Where have you been? You are in such a good mood.”

“I finished my project and can finally relax with you again.”

He felt Blaine relaxing, saw the tension leaving his face. Of course Blaine was worried though Kurt told him not to be.

“That's good,” he whispered and let his hands run up and down Kurt's arms before he sighed: “But I have some bad news. I called other restaurants but I couldn't find one where the reception could take place.”

His smile grew smaller and this wasn't even surprising anymore. Something was truly against their wedding and he had no idea why. But New York was big and he knew there were enough places and one of them would be for their wedding.

“Don't worry. We find something.”

“Yeah, actually I've been talking with Santana about this,” began Blaine and both walked to the couch and sat down, the hands with their rings holding the other.

“I know we wanted something nice and classy and maybe even a bit big. But you see how hard it is to find such a place and I wondered if we could consider Santana's bar too.”

“A bar?”

Blaine nodded slowly: “Yes. I know it's not what we imagined it to be but... I think it would be amazing, you know? That's the place when we meet our friends and that's the place that has a lot of history for us all. It's close to our homes and a hundred people fit in there. And it has a stage.”

It was true that they wanted something more classy, something bigger for their reception but when he thought about the bar, well, it was not a bad place. It was a nice place for people to meet and have a good time and sing and dance. It was a place where they met their friends and a place with people they both knew and loved.

“You think she'll be okay with it?”

“She'll kill me if we say no,” laughed Blaine.

“Well, we are not gonna let that happen, right?”

Blaine stopped moving and stared at Kurt, processing what he just said.

“So that's a yes then?”

“When I said I don't really care where or how. I would marry you under a bridge if this meant to be together with you and create a family.”

“No... not under a bridge.”

Kurt laughed: “No, probably not. I want it to have some class at least. But, really, I don't think it's a bad idea. I think it's great.”

He giggled when Blaine took his face into his hands and kissed him gratefully and whispered: “I love you so much. I'm gonna call Santana.”

Kurt watched him walking to the kitchen with his phone and smiled as he leaned against the backrest and saw the happy smile on Blaine's face when he told Santana the news. Really, there was no reason to not go there and celebrate. It was a place with many memories, good and bad but more importantly it was a place where all the people they loved met each other once in a month. And he was planning on celebrating, hard.

* * *

 

It was three days later, a Saturday morning when he and Blaine together with Santana and Mercedes met in the bar and began to talk about how they wanted to decorate the room and where they wanted to fit a 100 people inside. Actually there was enough room but it would still be a bit too full and Kurt didn't want to become claustrophobic on his own wedding day.

“What about the food? I'm not going to cook,” said Santana who was behind the bar with Blaine and going through the list of drinks she had.

“It will be delivered by a friend of Isabelle. Her name is Molly and she owns several restaurants in New York,” explained Kurt as he walked through the room and counted the tables and chairs.

“We have our long table and the other one on the left side of the room, plus seven round tables. Wow, Santana it's bigger than I thought,” said Mercedes.

“But we won't fit a hundred people in here if we want to dance and stuff. Seriously, who are those hundred people anyway? You have us and Kurt's family.”

“Co-workers and other friends, Santana. We are not just friends with you guys,” laughed Blaine and scribbled something down.

“Well we can make two parties or just not invite some people,” said Kurt and made a list with all the names.

“Kurt, seriously, just invite the people close to you. Then you'll have what? Thirty people?”

He was really thinking about that and exchanged a look with Blaine who only smiled thinking probably the same. It didn't really matter if there were just them or a bunch of people. It was about him and Blaine getting married, becoming husbands and start a family. So he smiled back, nodding and wrote the names down from the people he considered close to them.

After that he and Blaine went on the stage and began to talk about where they wanted to place all the people while Santana and Mercedes began to look for more glasses and decoration in the backroom – where Santana kept a lot of stuff.

“We'll be sitting with my Dad and Carole?”

“Of course we will. They are our family,” said Blaine and wrote the names down where Kurt created a drawing of the room. It was a bit strange to think that Blaine's parents would not be a part of it. Strange, yes, but not surprising. They didn't have any contact in the past years and Blaine never wanted to have any contact with them.

“You could ask Leona. I bet your aunt would do it and it will make her happy.”

He watched Blaine's face, his eyes how they liked the idea but also how he wished things would be different. This, the story about him and his parents was over, it was done and he didn't miss them. But like any kid he once wanted to have parents and maybe even that day he wished he had some parents who would sit with them, proud and happy about their son's life.

Kurt knew Blaine always wanted that but understood it would never happen. That's why he wanted kids too and make it better.

“I think I'll ask her. I really like that,” said Blaine and Kurt wrapped his arm around his shoulders, kissing his temple and rested his forehead against it.

Then he his phone rang and he pulled back, staring at the unknown number.

“I have to get that,” he said and walked to the other end of the stage.

“Kurt Hummel.”

“Hello, Mister Hummel. Here is Jennifer from the audition for Sweeney Todd.”

“Yes, hello,” he said, trying to stay calm and not let his voice betray him. But he was nervous, so nervous that his hand became sweaty and he needed his other to keep the phone close.

“You are free around June?”

“Um, I can be.”

“Well, you better be,” she laughed: “Because you got the part. Congratulations!”

He stopped breathing, letting the words sink in but they didn't, not really. His mouth was just speaking: “I... I got in? Really!?”

Jennifer laughed again, happy, not mocking but genuinely happy.

“We think you are insanely talented and that everyone needs to hear a voice as unique as yours.”

He wanted to cry, to scream, to laugh but he wasn't sure how to express his happiness. All these years, all the work, all the nights and days he hated NYADA and that he couldn't achieve what he wanted so desperately finally, they finally came true. So he just repeated himself, asked again if it was true and thanked her. But it was still so unreal for him. So unreal that he would be playing a leading role on Broadway and people would come and see him. His face would be on posters, his name, and... Kurt laughed slightly breathless because it just seemed so unreal that his dream finally came true.

“What happened?” asked Blaine and smiled too because Kurt was smiling: “Oh my God, we got a hall after all?”

“No,” laughed Kurt and leaned his hand against his head because everything was still spinning. He had a role, a leading role in one of his favorite musicals.

“Then what is it?” asked Blaine again and Kurt could see how his happiness changed into confusion. Well, now was the time to tell him the truth.

“I auditioned for a role some days ago. That's why I've been so busy and exhausted.”

“A role? Really? Why didn't you tell me? I would have supported you. I know how much you wanted to do this.”

“I know,” said Kurt and took Blaine's hand because he saw how his fiancé began to blame himself, again, but there was no reason to.

“I didn't tell you because I wanted to wait if I get in or not. Because I know you would have been re-planning everything because you would have been so sure that I get the role. Because it takes place on September the first.”

“Of course I would be and of course I would re-plan everything. You are talented and the world needs to see it. Our wedding can wait.” said Blaine with a little huff, probably some hidden anger towards all the people who disagreed.

“I got in,” said Kurt, just like that simple and straight out but his heard made a happy jump and his body began to buzz as he said it out loud. It was real, it was happening.

“You got in?”

“Yeah. I'll be playing Sweeney Todd on Broadway.”

“On Broadway!?” exclaimed Blaine and stood still while Kurt nodded but became worried. Blaine was just staring, staring for seconds and then his eyes became glassy and he pressed his hand against his mouth while the tears began to fall. He cried, he really cried and Kurt thought if someone should be crying of sheer happiness it should be him but it was Blaine for... some reason. Maybe because they wouldn't get married in September?

“Blaine, why-”

“I'm just... so happy for you. I know how much you... you wanted this,” he sobbed and wiped the tears away. Of course, why wasn't he thinking about this. Blaine always supported him and wanted the best for him and if this meant that their wedding would happen a bit later than planned Blaine would have been never against it. Just like Kurt would do the same for him. His fiancé came closer and pulled Kurt into a tight hug, giggling through his tears.

“Oh my God. I'm so, so happy for you. Of course we'll get married whenever you are done with the show.”

And Kurt just melted into the embrace and whispered the only thing he was able to come up with: “I love you.”

They held each other for a while longer, both letting the excitement take the better of them and shared huge, happy smiles.

“Guys!” called Blaine into the bar and soon they saw Santana and Mercedes giving them questioning looks.

“Guess who'll be the next Broadway superstar!”

 

 

 


End file.
